tigspeaks

Devotions for the Rest of us #12

2011-10-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

"Oh Precious is the Blood, that makes us white as snow...."

As Christians we sing about the blood of Jesus, we talk about how we are covered by His blood, we are amazed at how it was shed for us. But what do we really think about blood?

In health care we fear it. It has contaminates in it. If someone has a disease it is often carried by the blood or shows up by blood studies. It's very personal. We do everything we can to make sure that no one's blood touches us, because of all the things that can be bad.

It's donated, "Give life!" Because man can't make an exact copy, we can't just replace the real thing. In fact, you can donate your own blood before you have surgery if you need. But donating blood is a very precious thing and something that everyone who is eligible should do.

So what got me thinking this way? The other day I had a patient that we had to emergently take to the OR, and I went into the room with him. When all was said and done, and I returned to the ER, I had a lot of paperwork to write about this case. I had carried monitors and other equipment back from the OR and it had blood on it. Some was transferred to my arms as I carried things. Later, when it was pointed out to me, I felt quite a bit of emotion as I washed it off. As I washed this patient off of me. This patient.

I only had a short time to care for this patient, and his family will never know the effect of how his life touched mine. I'll never know what he was like in his life but I learned much from him. Hopefully the next time I see someone like him I can be quicker, better. But also the intersection of our lives. We sometimes only see them for minutes, yet we are so touched by their love, their pain, their emotions.

So at the end of it all, I was touched by him. And it was very personal. And he will always be part of me, no matter how much I clean.

You see, part of his life was on me, and I had to wash it off. Yet, I need the blood of our wonderful Lord on me to be clean. His life. Not to be washed off, but to wash me. Wonderful, amazing blood. Life.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #11

2011-10-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

I've recently had several occasions to consider what our freedom in Christ means. It amazes me how so many of us can become entrapped in what we think we must do and what we think is wrong. I suspect you can build a case for most anything with scripture, because we seem to do it on a regular basis. We trap each other, then judge each other, forgetting our own entanglements.

Our son and his wife have a puppy that frequently gets to come over and play here. They live in an apartment and Roman must be on a leash there. It's amazing to watch him when he comes here, there are three acres that he can run over, and as long as he responds to our calls, he gets to run free. He starts very hesitant, but then as he realizes that he can go, he bounds off, smelling the trees, the grass, and follows our dogs everywhere.

Is that how we are? When we are first brought into the kingdom, we first often see ourselves as being in this place of "you can't do this, you can't do that." We often fail to see it's not what we can't do, but what we can.

The old desires fall away. We aren't bound by things, we change our desires. So if you choose to show your faith in a certain way, by your dress, by your stickers on your car, it's fine. But am I less of a believer if I don't? I think not, I think that we are all on this journey, and the paths may vary, but He leads us all the way.

What I see is that where I am weak, will you come beside me? Where I am strong, I'll be beside you. Not to judge you, but to lift you up, to encourage you. And because some things are easy for you and not for me, be understanding. Math is a huge struggle, but history comes alive for me. For you, some things are easy to see, for me not. Neither of us is wrong, but He made us all different. Yet images of Him.

And where I want to live is at the foot of the cross. Because there we are all the same.

So What Do You Think This Means....

2011-09-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have a co-worker that is quick to speak... a lot. She talks, and talks, and talks... and speaks loudly. She's not mean or rude, or anything like that but lately it's been getting on my nerves. You see, I've really been convicted over the last six months or so to not speak needlessly just to hear the sound of my own voice. I'll call her Janie for the purpose of this story.

I hope you understand, I'm not saying that Janie is bothersome. In fact, the other day in our little meeting before we went out to face the patients, one of the women had a quote for the day, to inspire us. She then called on Janie to elaborate on it. I wanted to scream... the quote needed no comment!!!! AAAHHHHH You must understand, Janie is sweet, will do anything for you.

So last night I'm sleeping, no medications or anything to induce it. I was so tired from a very busy day. In the dream for some reason I have the dogs and Janie and we are going to my tax accountant's office. For unknown reasons it's in North Little Rock. So I'm driving, Janie is talking and I'm driving and Janie is talking..... and all of a sudden I realize where I am, but it's different. Now there's this bridge going straight up. I'm terrified of straight up and I'm terrified of bridges. So, I "put on my big girl panties" and hit the gas. We fly up the bridge/hill, top it, and OH NO, it's a sudden drop (no road) into a body of water!

As I woke up, my fears screaming in my ears, I realize THAT JANIE IS STILL TALKING!!!!!!!!

I need therapy

And Then I Went Shopping

2011-08-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

I went on my first mission trip in May to Honduras at the ripe old age of 51. I've been supporting my kids and others for years on these trips but this was to be my big adventure. I've never been out of the country, so the whole experience was to be new.

I won't go into all the details, but I was on a medical mission trip with group of people from a different church than I attend. The doctor that leads the trip invited me last year, but I was unable to pull everything together. Actually, I was so nervous about the whole thing that I was really relieved. I kept thinking of all the things that would be difficult: plane trips (it goes better if I am drugged), bus rides in mountains (again, probably better if I am drugged), and bathroom issues..... (my imagination was not far from wrong on this one).

The flight down was great, first day was good, and then they were going to take us shopping. This did involve one of those bus rides that stressed me. They told us that we would be fairly safe where we were going, but to still stay with others. Of course, the first thing that happened is I kept getting separated from others. We only had a short period of time to shop, and I wanted to get gifts for my three sons, the two daughters in law, and my husband.

I ended up going to one of the larger shops and spending a lot of time on picking out earrings for the girls. Suddenly I realized that I only had a few minutes to pick out t-shirts and this shop was not organized well. There were a lot of gecko shirts that were sooooo cute, however I was trying to find different sizes, do the conversion for the money (I only had cash), you can imagine. So I found several shirts, including two that had lots of gecko's frolicking together. I was excited, still had money left over for essentials I might need.

So I head back to the bus with minutes to spare! One of my friends asked to see my purchases, I was so proud. I showed her the earrings, then the shirts. And that's when she laughed and pointed out that I had gecko's in all sorts of sexual positions, not innocent frolicking.

So now when I tell people about my mission trip, I have to humble myself and tell them how I bought gecko porn for my children.

2011-07-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

A view of the city

Me at an overlook of the city.... after church on Sunday

The first church we ministered in, this is a view from the front steps

A line of people waiting for ministry....

Yup, more babies....

Pictures of Honduras

2011-07-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

Washing the children's hair

Holding babies.... they brought them to me, I love it!

This is the widow that gave all, and below is her family in the house they had. Her sons are building her a new house.

This is my co-worker Bonnie, who encouraged me so much on this trip, and Eeyore (who travels to work with me.

Gracie's Trip to the Vet

2011-07-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

Gracie is my black cat. We found her in 1999 at the cemetery where we had just buried my mom a few weeks before. Gracie was up a tree, crying. We rescued her and brought her home. She was very sweet and wanted tons of attention. At the time our home was very small and we already had a cat and dog, so we found a home for her. After a few months we heard that the arrangement wasn't working out so we brought her back to our home. The damage had been done, she was withdrawn, skiddish, and hid all the time.

Time has passed and now she still hides from strangers, but lives in my bedroom. Periodically Gracie gets UTI's and has to go to the vet. Our signal for this is that suddenly she can pee in the toilet, my sink, and if that doesn't get my attention, my bed. Friday after noon I caught her in the toilet but misread what she was doing. She clarified it my peeing on my bed so I would understand. I made the call.

The vet requested that we put her in the carried about 4-5 hours before coming so there would be urine. I set the alarm to get up at 5am. This morning she was easy to find, I trapped her in a small room, stuffed her in the carrier. Gracie cussed at me, and unstuffed herself. I caught her again, stuffed her in the carrier. She got away. After a few more minutes I woke up Gary and got a roll of duct tape. We trapped her, stuffed her in the carrier and duct taped it securely. Gracie then began to howl.

The howling was constant most of the morning and for the 40 minute trip to the vet. She got a little sweeter when I opened the carrier and let her stick her head out, but I was really afraid it she might get away.

The vet was nice, squeezed her a bit, got some urine, shoved a thermometer into her (without introductions I might add), and gave her a shot. She doesn't have a UTI, but he suggested that she was angry with us about something (you think????). So she now has a nice pheromone collar to wear. Supposedly it will calm her down. Remind her of her mother.....

Since she looked a bit ratty when the vet saw her, I thought maybe a bath would be in order (he was concerned about her skin). So this afternoon Gracie was given a nice bath..... okay, I caught her, shoved her in a sink full of water, rubbed soap on her and rinsed her off, wrapped her in a towel and put her somewhere to dry.

I'm thinking about guarding my bed tonight.....

And the other cats are hiding.....

I've thought about making this a spiritual lesson. You know, how God looks out for us, doing things for our own good, yet we perceive this as trouble coming our way. But frankly, my only regret is that I have no pictures of Gracie getting her bath.

Good and Bad

2011-07-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

Today I had a little girl I just want to remember. She came in because mom had noticed an abnormal eye movement. She's in the early elementary school age range. So PCP sent her for an MRI and today they received a call that it was abnormal.

When I first signed up for her as a patient I had heard mom was upset. I took her instead of my orientee. Went in, introduced myself to them and sat on the bed with the girl. I told her that my job was to do two things: one was to take care of her and the other was to help her and answer all her questions. The first thing she wanted to know was, duh, "am I going to get a shot?" I told her that I didn't know, but if I did we would talk about it first.

Of course the orders I got for her included a lot of blood work and an IV. I called Child Life to come and they did IV teaching with her. She was so brave, sat up on the bed and held still for me. I was so proud of her!

I explained to the parents every step that we would take, giving them all the time and attention I could. See, the thing is that this kid has something serious. This thing is probably not going to go well, and I wanted their first encounter with us to be positive, because it won't be their last.

It sucks because I want them all to walk out okay. Or at least if it's going to suck to be to loser parents and their ferrel kids. Not to these parents, not to this kid. So instead of being admitted over the holiday weekend, they are going to see the grandparents. Wise parents. Thank you to the doc that explained it to them in a way that they had a choice in what they did.

Today I'm proud of what I do. I really do have a ministry to the "least of these." And I'm very humbled by the bravery of a little girl who has parents that will walk her through the next part.

Report on the Mission Trip - Eeyore goes to Honduras

2011-06-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."

Everyday in Honduras I read this. Everyday I was touched. I still don't know the full significance of why God had me in this daily, but I suspect it will continue to grow in it.

So first of all, the flights. I did take my ativan, and the flight from Little Rock to Houston was not as smooth as others I've been on, but after that it was great. I will say that my luck on being randomed was in play, first in LR, not too bad, they ran a thing over my hands to see if I had been handling any explosives. When we left Honduras my backpack was searched. They had seen my insulin needles and the guy thought he could have them (I didn't mind, most of them were dirty). So, to save face he took my tape I use at work. Oh well.

Some things I'll deal with generally. The food was fabulous, we ate all but one meal fixed by Honduran cooks at the mission house. They were great. Spoke no English, which we heard later has been a complaint that they should learn (another example of how we as Americans tend to think the world revolves around us). With my sad Spanish I was able to communicate fine with them on my days to clean. :) Sunday we were taken to a nice restaurant "El Patio" where we were served steak and chicken. I don't know how they cooked it, but it was some of the best of both I've ever had. I didn't suffer for lack of food.

There was a lot of prayer lifted up for me, guys, God was so faithful. I just can't tell you how much this trip meant for me. I know we did some good for the Hondurans, but the change was in me.

Sunday we went to a church that we were going to serve in for two days later in the week. First of all, the bus had trouble getting there every time we went. Sunday it got stuck and we had to walk down a hill to go to church. This was a charismatic church, not sure what kind. One thing that threw me was there were no crosses, but there was a menorah and they blew a shofar. The people were sweet. A youth minister with us shared that day and the people seemed to enjoy it. We held a lot of babies and a lot of hugs were given.

Each of the churches that we served in were in some of the worst areas of the city. There were shootings at night and some of the people we saw were gang affiliated. I never felt in danger, but I heard some of the women speaking later that they did.

In trying to tell you what God did, the thing I go back to is the poverty. I'm just stunned. I'll try to post pictures to this site so you can see the one house I went to. And let me share this: I've always had issues about feeling my house isn't good enough (no matter whether it was in my current home or in mobile homes) and thinking that people would look down on me or blah blah blah.... but I have a palace compared to what I saw. But even at that, I was welcomed into this home as if I was a princess! And she hid nothing from me. The home was one room, with spaces between the boards where you could put your hands through. There were tarps up to keep some of the rain out. And there were a few pictures scattered on the wall. The floor was dirt. This particular woman had some sons that were building her a new home, with adobe walls and we were making a concrete floor for her. She had prayed 20 years for this (had been a widow for 30). One interesting thing about her that was shared as we left the church that day.... the church had been taking a special offering and she had money for the week that she was going to give, but something happened and she couldn't give it, so she went home and got all of her money - all that she had been able to save, and brought it to the church for the offering. But before she could give it they called out the names of those that we were going to do the floors for: and it was her! She told the Lord, see, I have your offering, but you have blessed me before I could even give it! Her joy in what she had makes me re-evaluate my life and what I have.

There were many things that God did... 65 people said a prayer of repentance, 1200+ saw medical doctors, 500+ each in dental and for eyeglasses. 160+ saw a chiropractor. There was laughter and there were tears. There was washing of hair to remove lice (and only one person brought some home with them). The hair washing of the children was very touching. They loved it, and you can't touch people without some connection. I reached a point where I was praying over them as I was doing it, so that bonds there would be broken. Maybe a blessing on their life.

But for me, God also met me there. I expected to be very afraid of the plane and the bus rides, but God really gave me peace. I can't describe how special that was.

Before I left for Honduras I was also very frustrated in my job at the hospital. Something really set me off, and I let it be known that I would be happy to work somewhere else. Within days I got a call that a cardiologist was looking for a nurse. God clearly told me I was not to make any decisions until I came back. Fine, I'll wait. On Tuesday when I was doing the children's ministry, there was this one point where I was just watching them, not touching, nothing. Just watching. And I so clearly hear the voice of the Lord telling me to send the children to Him, how much he loves the children, and that my place was to minister to the children.

This trip was wonderful, and I thank everyone who sent me, who prayed for me, and who put up with my whining about the bathrooms. Whether or not I ever go back there, or to any other place, I know that I am a missionary where I work. I'm becoming bolder about sharing the Lord with those in need, and praying for the ones I touch. Most of the time no one knows, but He who sent me does.

One other thing (although there are many), I saw brothers and sisters in Honduras that I know I may never see again, but those interpreters for World Gospel Outreach are on fire for God! They witness strongly, they know the word, and they are excited! It was such a pleasure to work along side them. They propped us little white people up and let us witness, but they were so moving in the Holy Spirit. The WGO staff we met were so humble, so easy to be with. They really gave us a taste of what they do, but they were so gracious in everything. If you ever need a group to work alongside, I highly commend them to you.

Waiting to fly

2011-05-28T00:20:00.001-07:00

And again, "Praise the Lord, all you Gentiles, and sing praises to him, all you peoples." [12]And again, Isaiah says, "The Root of Jesse will spring up, one who will arise to rule over the nations; the Gentiles will hope in him." [13] May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

It's 2am, I'm supposed to be getting up at 3:15 to get ready for my trip. I've had something wake me up every hour since going to bed. The worst was Gary being ill. The "plan" is to go eat, then the airport. We have a truck load of drugs in his work truck to take to the airport, he either has to drive OR we change it all to another truck. Won't Aaron love that?

I'm fixated on why this has been so hard (and strange bathrooms). Seriously, it's not like I think I'm going to change the world, but what I am seeing is even one life, one new soul, one encouraged soul, one person getting a vision of who this Jesus is. That is worth it. And it may be me that is changed the most.

Thank you guys for everything. I am blessed beyond measure with friends and loved ones. If nothing else were to occur, I have already seen God do in me a new work.

Pray for our families, our safety, the bathrooms, and whatever God brings to mind. I need some sleep, hopefully I won't drool or snore on the plane, but they should bring their noise reducing headphones like Dr. Schexnayder loaned me (he really is a nice guy-I'm almost not afraid of him now ). There are a lot of political things going on in Honduras today, especially that the former leader that wanted to be dictator for life is coming in about the time we arrive. There will be rioting!!!! I don't think they want us to do that either. I remember signing the no smoking / no drinking clause, they probably have a "don't do anything else clause" like the "other duties as assigned at every job. Is the lack of sleep showing?????

I don't know whether to stay up or try to sleep. I'm thinking stay up.

The scripture above is my daily reading for today.

Love you,
Breta

Burdens

2011-04-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

Some days at my work are rough. Bad things do happen to people, either on purpose or accidents. It was rough with adults, but there is something different when it happens to kids. I have a great group of friends, but these things can be overwhelming to share. And sometimes, even when you share, it doesn't feel right that you did.

We had a bad one yesterday. It's funny, because when you are in a certain role, the other staff even tell you they are sorry as they pass you in the halls. And no matter how many times you have seen things, particularly death, it is hard. Maybe that's what makes us who we are, I don't want to work with people that aren't moved when they deal with it. There is sometimes a clinical intrigue that happens, because you learn from every one of these, but still somewhere you know, this was a child, this was someone that people loved, and maybe the day before she was playing and, maybe she was a princess. But not today.

Today my scripture reading was about Jesus in the garden. And his disciples couldn't stay wake while he was praying for this cup to pass, to take away our sins. Today I'm burdened, and I'm needing some resolution, and so I'll pray for Him to help me with this cup. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be for work, and I know that this job has these moments. I may never understand what Jesus encountered in the garden and on the cross, but maybe, maybe, I have a glimpse.

Princesses

2011-04-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

I have 3 sons. I didn't pay much attention to princesses when I was young except to say I liked the story about the Princess and the Pea. Then Sarah entered my life. She is my daughter in law and she has taught me all about princesses.

And now I work in a pediatric ER. I have come to love princesses. I love the little girls that come in and are wearing clothes with their favorites, or even better one Sunday at church a little one had her crown and magic wand. One of our doctors came to work and found, instead of her stethoscope, her daughter had packer her a wand for work. Tonight I was holding down a young girl while we placed an IV and drew her lab work. With tears in her eyes we discussed her favorite princesses to distract from what we had to do. I don't know how to describe these scenes. I hate to cause those moments of pain, but I love to send them to a world where they can be a princess for a few minutes and have magic to banish me.

Oh boys are great too, but there is nothing like the princess. My world has expanded with the knowledge of these things. Somedays I walk away amazed that they pay me for what I get out of my job.

Thank you Eloise and Sarah.

The Importance of Being

2011-04-13T07:31:00.000-07:00

I love the be verbs. They are helpful, small, yet have so much meaning. The word "be" is defined as: to exist or live, to take place, happen, occur, to occupy a place or position, to continue to remain as before, to belong, attend, befall. The dictionary goes on, but this is sufficient.

Lately I've been thinking about how much I enjoy being around certain people. One of my co-workers and I were discussing what each of us had done the night before. Gary and I had been watching TV together and playing on our computers. Fairly quiet evening, not a lot of conversation, but just being together.

Lately I've realized that with many of my friends, when I see them I feel energized, more alive. We tend to relax when we are with people that we have those bonds with. I've been thinking about relationships that we've had over the years, some of our best friendships, and how I knew we were successful in them. I think it's the ones that sometimes there was more silence than not. That if they were tired and we were together they could just rest (some even fell asleep on the couch - in our defense, it was a great couch to sleep on). I was with a friend the other day that I don't see often, there wasn't a huge deep topic, it was in the seeing her, the hearing her voice, and just laughing together.

I was trying to define for someone what having a relationship with Jesus is. I think some people believe that you have to be in constant prayer, on your knees, talking constantly. I've come to realize, it's like being with my friends, it's an awareness, a constant presence, being in touch. Over the years my relationship with Him has changed. Just like many of my friendships, this has gotten more personal. Less me saying what my needs are and more about how to express who He is. And I honestly believe that I've come to a point that He is a friend as well as everything else He is.

It's that way with good friendships, it's not necessarily the conversation, it's the being together that is most enjoyable.

Faith

2011-02-27T08:31:00.000-08:00

Recently I read Exodus 16 about the Israelites and the manna. I will confess that I always think about Keith Green when I read the story: manna burgers, ba"manna" bread....it makes me laugh. This time, though, what struck me was the test of faith the people had. I imagine that in that large a group of people that there were varying levels of faith. We know God constantly was frustrated with them over the whining and complaining. I'm sure there were people that just obeyed, did exactly what God said, there were some that were constantly amazed at how it just was always right, and then some that were never going to be happy with things. Probably much like the modern church.

So I picture myself, walking out in the morning to gather the stuff. Unknown, what is it? How much do you gather? A day's worth is what Moses said. How much is that? What if you want a snack? So the first few days you are experimenting with it. Then routine sets in. I'm sure the Martha Stewarts of the camp had no lack of presentation and yummy manna, my poor family would have had the basics. And so it went. Day after day after day after day.

I've always said that I would prefer to work for someone rather than be self employed. That is due to the fact that I like to know what day my paycheck will come, that it will come, and that it will be good. I don't do well with "living by faith" in that area. I do recognize that God is my provider and not ACH or Baptist, but I know He placed me where He did. But now I'm in a situation where I need to walk in some faith. So I'm reaching out to my friends to help me with this.

Last year one of the doctors I admire asked me to go to Honduras with him on a mission trip. I wanted to, but the details couldn't be worked out in time. So I was thinking it would be this year maybe. A few months ago he told me he didn't have anyone to do the particular task he had wanted me for (sedations) so I thought that meant he didn't need me to go. I was kinda relieved actually. Whew, God doesn't want me to go. Ah, not so. He clarified that for me a week or so ago, still wants me to go, can use me, nurses are most helpful. So I'm actually getting excited again. Now for the hard part. Money.

The people that get these are people that I trust to pray or close friends. I'm being very open in saying that this is so hard for me. I need to write letters to people and ask them to support me on this trip, both in prayer and financially. I want to hear from the Lord in who to write and words to say. This is very difficult for me. In one way I want to just say, I can sign up for a lot of days at Baptist and make the money, or I can do this or that, and maybe I could but I don't think that is what I'm hearing the Lord say. I think He wants me to gather manna. And I have never really done this before. I've watched as God has provided for others, sent my kids on many a trip helping with finances, but never myself.

So I'm asking you, my friends, to pray for me. Pray that God will provide, that He will make me bold, that He will show me who to send letters to, and that I don't miss His guidance along the way. Then when I go that I will be able to glorify Him in all I do. Not many of you know that a large part of why I switched from adults to pediatrics was so that I could do mission work.

Thank you, first of all because I'm honored to have the friends I do, and second for praying for me. Some of you have known me for years and watched me struggle and grow, others are newer friends, who still watch me struggle and grow. I love each of you for who you are.

Cat Sitting

2011-01-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

People have sometimes commented that I have interesting things happen to me. On that note:

A friend of mine recently asked me to oversee the care of her three cats while she went on vacation. This was going to be a long trip, a couple of weeks I think (I never did figure out how many days). My job was to go in, get the mail, make sure the cats had food and water. The best part, only needed to drop in every two to three days. No problem!

These cats have a fancy set up: self cleaning litter boxes, two watering stations that swirl the water for them, and a feeding station that replaces their food as they eat it. And they are Siamese cats, so they hate everyone... no need to pet much. Well, one of them likes to be petted, the others pretty much hide. I went the first evening, stacked the mail, petted the friendly cat, refilled the water... almost had a guilty conscious over not petting the cat more but I was in a hurry (I've been told I should be Catholic with all my guilt issues).

Sunday I had plenty of time to pet the cat. Headed out, beautiful day, good day to be out alone with cats. Walk in the door and my first thought is that they have been bad little kitties. The mail was scattered and there was stuff on the floor. We used to housesit for some people that on the third day the dog would go nuts and tear stuff up to show his disapproval of being left with us. So I *blondly* went on in, blaming the cats for the cd's scattered over the floor until I saw the back door was open. Now, I think my pets are smart, but I'm pretty sure you need a thumb to open a door with a key. I did a quick walk through and confirmed that they had been broken into. I called my friend and made sure they wanted me to go ahead and call the police and do the report. Then I called 911....

Now let me explain something. I am a highly trained ER / Critical care nurse. I'm great if you are dying! I can run a code, shock you senseless, smack drugs into you.... I can make people jump at my command. You need to know this. So I call 911, cool headed, calm.... "This is 911" "yes, I would like to report I'm housesitting, well, not housesitting, more cat sitting and anyway I got here today and they have been broken into." "Okay, what is your address?" "oh crap, uh, I don't know, let me look... (walking PAST the stack of mail....) okay, it's 1234 uh, just a minute, let me look at the street sign, uh, hang on... okay, here it is." So they send an officer out.

I was impressed, kudo's to LRPD. He was very nice and efficient. We went through the house (keep in mind, most of the house I've never been in before so it was a first for me) and then he tried to get some fingerprints from where they came in. He talked to my friend and determined a few things that they took. And then he left me with the cats. The angry cats.... two angry, pissed off cats under the bed. I went all through the house and kept coming up with the magic number two, not three. The homeowner is calling asking me which two it is. I was trying to be so nice, but dang it, Siamese cats pretty much look alike and even more so if they are under a bed and you don't have a flashlight. Well, one got mad and ran into another room and under that bed (I did find a computer they missed, but it was broken). She kept telling me to get the treats and shake them, the kitty would come out for that. NOT. We finally determined that one cat was really gone. Lucky for me, they have a cat trap in the garage.

So now I get to figure out how to work a cat trap. I'm under the impression that most live animal traps have a back door to make it easy to open / load. Let me assure you this one has one, but it's fixed so it doesn't open. I load the trap with nice, juicy canned cat food, find a water bowl for it, and set it out. And reset the trapdoor, and reset the trap door, and.... finally success! I also pray that I am successful in catching a cat.

The next morning I run over, no cat. But one of the other cats shows himself and the other let me see enough to identify which two cats are in the house. Note: if you have three cats that look alike, don't expect the cat sitter to recognize them under the bed or by "do they have claws?" because if we are seeing claws that usually means your cat sitter is not happy.

That afternoon I went over and I did have a cat in the trap. Where I messed up was in not taking the trap in the house and setting the cat free inside, I mean, would they really notice? I digress, this was one angry cat and he was not afraid to let me know! But I did the right thing and let the cat go, resetting it just in case.

Sadly I never caught the right cat. Our friends are back and still looking, so if you see a lost Siamese kitty, let me know. If you need a cat sitter, well.... not sure I'm the one to call.

After I finished writing this, actually a couple of days after my friend called. They came home on Tuesday, this was Thursday afternoon. Her spouse was leaving to go to the store, saw pawprints on the car. Upon further searching he found the lost cat behind the dryer.

This cat, since I had discovered the break in on Sunday, had been hiding in the garage. I had been out there numerous times, with the police, looking for the cat trap, looking under the vehicle and all around several times.... the parents had been there and repaired the window and done laundry.... and the owners had been there shaking treats around trying to get the cat to come out of hiding (in case she was out there).... stupid cat. Owner said they had been worried that the cat was too dumb to find it's way home, seems the cat was too dumb to come in from the garage.

Thoughts on Christmas

2010-12-26T16:31:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my favourite time of the year.... I love everything (except the traffic) about it. I do wish I were wealthier so I could give more but I'm not, so, well. Here are some random thoughts, some were thoughts I had and have heard sermons on them recently. Most of what I share could hardly be called amazingly original, but they are things that touch me.

I'm stunned by the baby king. I love to hold babies. They are so incredible, they are weak and they are strong. They smell good, they fascinate me. What great God would chose to send His son as a baby, who would he pick to trust with this. Who was Mary? I mean, she had to be special to be chosen, but then, couldn't be too special. Meek, mild, trusting. What about Joseph? Even before the angel came he was trying to do the right thing. I'm sure he was overwhelmed. Was it an arranged marriage? Did he love her? Was she beautiful, what drew him to her?

Imagine Jesus' siblings? You think your parents favor your older siblings, imagine trying to follow in Jesus' footsteps? "Jesus didn't act like that!" "Why can't you be more like Jesus?" LOL, what was the toddler Jesus like? Were there the terrible two's, you would think without a sin nature that would be the terrific two's. I could go on and on about this one, just thinking about my own children and their developmental milestones and wondering what it would have been for Mary.

The angel visits. I really can't imagine. I believe there has been an angel in my house when my mom was ill. I didn't see it, my dad did. I believe they are around. But I can't imagine what Mary saw. And we have the benefit of reading the Bible on a regular basis and knowing that angels appeared throughout, but they did not have that. Just faith. Faith. Would I have that? To hear that I was about to have a baby and name him Jesus?

The shepherds. Again, uneducated more than likely, but that doesn't refer to their character. Because they too had the faith to go see. They were chosen. The king came to earth, born in a manger, for us. The shepherds, the poor, the weak, the down trodden. Yes, there were wise men, who were truly wise, because the heard the voice of God to not return to Herod. They brought gifts. I'm sure that Mary "pondered" these things over the years: angel visits, shepherds, wise men, being on the run." Her child survived but many did not because of Herod. We could make a case, better one baby die than many, but then we would lose our Lord. Much grieving over this baby.

I love the children at Christmas.... magical thinking about Santa, reindeer, and what they understand of Jesus. We create the greed, not the kids. We create unreal expectations for ourselves. This year we did things much simpler around the house and it was less stressful for me. The most squealed over gifts were bubble wrap and Toy Story sunglasses but the others were well appreciated. It's fun to give. It's fun to receive. The only ones that frustrate me are when we throw out all these presents, everyone opening at once and no one really enjoying what is going on.

This morning at church we did Lessons in Carols, scripture readings and songs. It was great. I had seen Twisted Sister do Oh Come All Ye Faithful last night.... even the rocks cry out was all I could think of.

Merry Christmas.... may you find joy in all those around you and extend the love of God to others. May we have the faith displayed by those in the story and worship the baby King. And may be always remember what was done for us.

Breta

Fish Tanks

2010-12-08T17:46:00.000-08:00

This may shock a few of you, but I kill things. Not people, but a case could be made for that as well. No, I kill plants and fish. A lot of them. I now have an empty tank in my living room. Well, not exactly empty, it has water and rocks, just no fish. Seemed pointless after the last one died.

Today I went to a salt water fish store. It was incredible. Not even just the fish, the rocks are alive. The tanks were filled with beautiful things, all waving at me. I could have stayed for a very long time, but I had to be somewhere.

I guess, yet again, I was stunned with the beauty of creation. What creator does such detail. I mean, this stuff is under water, who cares? Who was there to see for so many thousands of years? He could have gotten away with just sand, but no, he did a whole thing just for under the water. Not just a few things either, and the rocks are crawling with creatures. How incredibly awesome it was.

Of course, this is the creator that brought us a saviour in the form of a baby. He didn't have to do that either.

What love.

In awe,
Breta

Devotions for the Rest of Us #10

2010-10-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

Almighty and everlasting God, increase in us the gifts of faith, hope, and charity; and, that we may obtain what you promise, make us love what you command; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

This is the collect this week and it seems so appropriate for what I need to hear. Increase the gifts of faith, hope and charity. I have had such a lack of faith over the last few weeks and have found myself all out of sorts, which of course leads to a lack of hope and sadly, if you asked a few of my friends and patients, a lack of charity.

Here's the thing, my job cut back on how they pay us for extra work. My boat got rocked. Okay, there I said it. To those that don't have a job or work for less than I do, I'm so sorry I whined. Because I shouldn't. I have a wonderful job and God has richly blessed me. What is really sad though is how I found myself reacting. "I'm not going to blah blah blah." Really, REALLY!!!! Because truth be told I like what I do, I like where I work, and I want to excel at what I do. So this attitude problem needs to go away.

It's a lack of faith. God has always provided. Okay, I'm not a trust fund kid, but I honestly don't think I would do that well. I would like to be less concerned about paying our bills but God has been more than faithful. Where does this come from?

Then that must also extend beyond just money, because it's not about money. It's about contentment in where God has placed me. My Lord, who loves me more than I will ever understand, has put me where I am, to interact with the people I do for a reason. To perfect me. To round off those edges. To build my faith. To humble me. Sometimes to call me out when I need it. One new person there, in his quietness, has made me rethink many of my words and actions. I'm still so full of myself, and myself is not who I long to be.

My question to those of you who have been so faithful to read these and respond is to please tell me how you overcome these times of lack of faith. Please be real about your answers, in that I know I'm not the only one that does this. Is it reading more in the word, is it in worship (which for me is where I really see a difference), what is it that keeps you going? I have really appreciated all the responses I've had to this, because I've come to find out I'm not the only one that feels like a failure in the kingdom. (Not calling you guys losers, just me, but it does help to know that others struggle in their walk and it's not just me).

And please know, it really wasn't about the money. I think what happens is I "have it all figured out." I'm going to do this, work this much, then I'll do this...." and sometimes God yanks my chain to remind me that He is above my plans. Many times I think God is much more interested in our reaction than our action.

Breta

Devotions for the Rest of Us #9

2010-09-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

This last week has been overwhelming. Most of you know that my middle son married. It's probably split on how many knew about the funeral I attended on Friday. Let me just tell you some of the things that have impressed me.

First the funeral. Mary Sample was not a close friend of mine, she was my hero. Mary was someone I've looked up to for over 20 years. She never knew that. This isn't going to be one of those "wish I had told her" although I kinda wish I had. Mary was a leader in the home school movement here in Arkansas. Years ago I contacted her for various reasons, I don't remember, and she helped me. But back then very few people home schooled. She was a rock that I could call. It was that she was there, she didn't mind, she was kind. Seems so simple. Then a few years ago we sent our youngest son to Academy, and there was Mary. She befriended him. He came home at different times and mentioned her. If you have a son this may make more sense, my boys don't speak often. And then at his graduation she spent a lot of time talking to me durning practice and then the day of. I'm not really shy, more afraid of people that I know are more faithful than I am. So that someone spent time with me, treated me as if I had done this as well as they had (NOT), well. It was neat. And then Mary started coming to the church we did. I fell in love with her and her family in a new way. Gary got to spend some time with Stephen, I saw the kids.

Mary was called home. There is no other words for it. I won't do the details, but drawing from my medical background I was touched that God did it so quickly for her. For the family, I can't imagine. But the news spread quickly through the home school and church community.

You won't see the tears as I write this, but they are there just remembering. For this service was like no other I've ever seen. There was no "poor Mary" or even the basic details of her life, it was truly a celebration of life and of who she was and what she loved. I don't know how many people our church holds, I've been told there were 700+ people there, I believe it. The amazing thing was that thirty minutes before the service started after the worship leaders finished practicing the songs, they were just playing, and the people all began to worship. No one said to do this, but they began. The move of the Spirit was so strong. There were waves. Now in the world they would say it was an emotional movement, like at a concert or something of that line. No, it was not. When the ministers came to start, it was almost as if they were late. The whole body was in unison. I really can not describe what was happening. The service was wonderful, Matt had a wonderful word about who Mary was, and it seems I was not the only one that saw Jesus in her, we all did. The service pointed us back to Him. I don't know how the family felt about it, I can't imagine, but for all I've spoken with that were there we are all in agreement, how better a tribute to your life than so many people that come to say good bye turn to Jesus and worship Him. Our grief was comforted, not taken away, but there was real comfort. And we thanked Him for Mary. And we remembered her.

I left that service and went to a bridal luncheon for my soon to be daughter in law. Again, thank you Natalie for understanding my need to be at Mary's service. And so the wedding celebrations began. That night a rehearsal dinner and the next day the wedding. It was wonderful, and no I don't have pictures yet. But Stephen's pastor shared a gospel presentation about why we were there, not for the wedding, but because of Jesus. Then the ceremony began and Bobby basically did it again. Their love was apparent but Jesus was predominate.

As Christians, many times we go through the motions, but our "culture" is special. Both of these are emotional experiences, but they are at the essence of our life. Who we are. What we are about. What is our life without Christ. I have some friends that can't believe that I really think that my children were not sexually active before marriage, they think I am naive, maybe I am, but I also know what they believe. My friends openly laughed at me. I'm okay with that. You see, I'm not the one they are laughing at. I know that Stephen and Natalie have chosen to follow the Lord and that their lives will honor Him. And I know that while I feel so insignificant in the universe, that maybe not to the extent that Mary did, I've touched someone somewhere. The thing that has really touched me though is how these two totally different ceremonies both had the same message. I hope I'm communicating this well, but we are different from the world. We really are. Even when we are with them, we are different.

So many blessings to Stephen and Natalie and thank you Mary. I worshipped Jesus Friday and Saturday in your examples, in your joy and in your example. Thank you God my Father, Jesus my brother and Holy Spirit my helper for all you are doing in the earth and in me.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #8

2010-08-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

A blogger friend recently wrote about verbal diarrhea. Basically she finds herself getting into trouble because she says more than is required of her. Lately she has offended people because she would go for the quick joke and then realize too late that it was not in the best of taste.

Boy, can I relate. In the last year I have become aware of how much we talk and say nothing of consequence. I find myself at work sitting on a trash can away from the nurses station because of the noise level and endless chatter. Don't get me wrong, I like to talk. Too much. And I will be more than happy to tell you the latest gossip, or about my kids, or my cat, or whatever. But I find myself disgusted with what I say, then you know, you have to repent from all that, and I'm tired of doing it.

Recently we had a guest speaker at our church, one thing that he talked about was sitting quietly before the Lord. Even in church. Wow. Have you ever tried to do that? I hear a lot of people talk about being ADD (myself included) and how it's hard to just sit still. So today during the worship service I tried to just sit and hear the Lord. And I sat. Then I refocused. Then I thought about what I had to do today, then I refocused. Then I thought about this week, then I refocused. Then I thought about how hard it was to do that. Just to sit. Just to think about the Lord. Not anything in particular, but was He saying anything to me? Would I listen if He did?

Remember the story of Moses in the cave, waiting for the glory of the Lord to pass by? The storm came, the winds, the rain, and God wasn't in any of it. It was the quiet. And if that were me and not Moses, I would have missed it while I was busy playing Mahjong or twilling my hair or something.

I'm sure I'm not the only one. It is torture for me when I try to have a "quiet" time, cause I can't focus. This morning I realized that as much as I dislike exercise, besides exercising my body, I need to exercise my mind. Build up my endurance, my abilities to train my mind to be still. I'll never grow in the Lord no matter how much I read, how much I know, if I can't hear His instructions. How can I hear Him tell me where to go, who to speak to, who to love, if I'm not in tune with the basic of how to hear Him.

Come to the Quiet. Come and sit at His feet. Come and listen. Come and receive. Come... and be quiet.

Apology Accepted

2010-07-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

You know, I've worked a lot of code Blue's, saved some people, some not. I remember more of the ones that didn't make it than the ones I did. It's very similar to how when I make a mistake or really blow it, that I rehearse that over and over and forget the many times I did well.

Today was one of those days. I often say that when we do confession on Sunday, the part that really gets me is that whole "love your neighbor as yourself." I failed. Wait, I didn't fail, I was a horrible person that I can't defend, can't rationalize, and will have a much harder time forgiving myself than the lady I offended.

A mother brought her child in for pain management. The child was on pallative care (hospice) and going to die from her cancer. My goal was to essentially rush in, get IV access and free this child of pain. That is not what happened. The mom told me the child wouldn't let me do it, she wanted one of the onocology nurses to come and do it. What I heard through my pride was "you're not good enough, we don't trust you, blah blah blah" and my wounded pride said "screw it." I made the comment, "well, I'll just chart that you refused to have me access the port." Technically that was correct. When I was, again, my wounded pride, telling the other nurse on my team I made it all about the mom not trusting us, the ER nurses, to treat her child. The other nurses said she would take the patient and she did.

So a few minutes later I went to eat lunch. And as I waited to get my lunch all I could think about was: what if that was my child? She knows her child, she knows her child has trust issues. And here her child is sick, in horrible pain, and the nurse, someone trained to understand, is, well, less than kind. I could hardly eat.

I went back to the room, thinking, well, I'll talk to the mom, I'll tell her how sorry I am, and quietly leave the room. I'm thinking just me and the mom. Nope, several other people are in there, listening to me tell the mom how sorry I am for being unkind to her. And then she said it, I'm still stunned, cause I'm not sure I could do it. "I forgive you."

I didn't expect anything from her, in fact, I would have told me several things.... but through her tears she forgave me.

I know as I ask forgiveness from the Lord I will get it, but it will take me a long time to overcome this. But I hope that as much was given to me I'll forgive much more of others. I hope I never forget this lesson from a mom to reach over her dying child to touch the one that should have been helping her. Pray for that mom, her child will be with the Lord soon if not already. That is the best thing I can do for her, is to pray that God will be more gracious than she has been.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #7

2010-06-15T19:34:00.000-07:00

This is a letter I wrote to a friend one day this week when I was struggling with envy. I think most of you can relate a little, hopefully for your sake not to much.

So I need to confess something. It's horrible.

I used to have this friend, she is now a facebook friend. But not a good friend. She is someone that was from my past. Now here is the thing. This girl is dumb, I don't mean a little, I mean really stupid. I'm not being mean, it's the truth. I even tried to help her once with getting a HS diploma, she's dumb.

She divorced her husband, while he was in prison (I believe he was innocent of the actual charge, but that is another issue) and sold all his possessions. She's mean and cruel. Never meet anyone like her. She says she's changed, I'm afraid to have much to do with her, but allowed her to be a FB friend.

She is now married and has horses. I can't stand it. She posted pictures of her "riding" her horse (she was being led around). I can not tell you how much envy came into my heart. You can have the big house, nice cars, whatever, but this dumb as a brick, mean chick has horses. I love the smell of them, the touch of them, being blown on by their noses as they nozzle you. I love the feel of riding, the power of the muscles under you, swimming with them, running with them.... how does she get them????? And not have a clue what she has.

So there, I'm going to get in the shower, pray for forgiveness for coveting my "neighbors" horse and remember that I gave up those dreams for the kingdom of God. Yes, I'll jump right on that. Working on it.

Sigh.

I don't like mean people. Mean people suck. And it seems some mean people get horses. I won't pray she gets bucked off. Nope, I won't do it. Or stomped on. Nope, I won't do it.

That was the end of the letter. It sounds so silly, a horse, but dreams that we give up in order to follow the Lord, those are real. No, the Lord didn't say, "you can't have horses." What did happen is that we had priorities in our life, raising godly children, our life in the church, all those things. It meant that we gave up certain things that maybe we would have enjoyed. Myself, I've often dreamed of having a Holideck like they did on Star Trek, where I could just summon up a good ride or vacation without all the hassle.

But then I remember, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." And then I'm okay with what I have.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #6

2010-05-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

Confession: a formal admission of one's sins with repentance and desire of absolution

In our weekly confession at church we confess to several things: Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truely sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.

Lately I've been able to focus on the better part: that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Maybe better part isn't the right term, but I'm not drowning in my sin currently. Here's the thing, are we really giving up so much in not murdering, not stealing, not committing adultery? What about not crawling home drunk hugging the toilet? Or having to remember what lie we told so that we can keep them straight? Do I need to go on? I can, but you probably can fill in the blanks.

Focusing on "that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways." Wow, what does that mean? I've often talked about being kind, how about not sharing everything I know about people. How about avoiding the gossip? How about speaking to those that are stretching me (and by the way, not doing so good with that one - I still think they are stealing my overtime - and thus struggling with being nice to them). But I'm finding myself seeking how to "delight in your will." I'm asking the Lord to show me ways to reach out to those around me and minister to them. One thing is by keeping their confidence. Another is to be non-judgmental when they do share. When some of the young mothers ask me questions about how did my sons turn out so well, I direct them to the Lord, not to any great wisdom I had. Focusing on Him, not me. This is where I want to walk, where I want my mind to dwell. So this is my confession: not what my past is, but what my now is.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #5

2010-04-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

I Kings 17:13And Elijah said to her, "Do not fear; go and do as you have said. But first make me a little cake of it and bring it to me, and afterward make something for yourself and your son. 14For thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'The jar of flour shall not be spent, and the jug of oil shall not be empty, until the day that the LORD sends rain upon the earth.'" 15And she went and did as Elijah said. And she and he and her household ate for many days. 16The jar of flour was not spent, neither did the jug of oil become empty, according to the word of the LORD that he spoke by Elijah.

Generosity: the quality or fact of being plentiful or large.

For some time now the Lord has impressed on me that I need to be more generous. I really haven't understood what that meant. I don't have tons of money, but even in the beginning I felt like it was more than just being a money issue, it was being generous of me. So I look around at people that I think are generous and this is what I see. One of my friends is the person you call when you need help arranging things or knowing the right thing to do, and she never seems to mind. She is always busy doing for others. Amazing woman. What is it about her that draw people to her? She cares, and she does it seemingly without effort. She has arranged weddings, decorates privately and for churches, yet she takes the time to show me how do simple things.

The widow was worried about how little she had, yet Elijah gave her the word from the Lord. Wonder how she felt? Did she have faith or can you imagine what she was thinking as she was making the cake. My thoughts would be that we would just die a little sooner, or maybe that he had food he hadn't shown us. Can you imagine what it would be for her each day as she continued to find flour and oil? Amazement.

I keep coming back to how do I become that person? How do I become less self centered and more Christ centered?

There is a doctor who has been asking to come over with her husband to our house and play games. I had resisted and resisted. See, I don't have a nicely decorated home that will be photographed anytime soon for any kind of decorating magazine (unless it's the before pictures) and I just resist having people over. It really stretches me. Finally I gave in and *gasp* they never noticed the house, they really wanted to play games. They want to be friends, and they don't know the Lord. How can I share the Lord with them if I can't share my home with them?

So yesterday I was talking with a friend and it hit me. Our being generous with each other is practice for us to be generous with those that need the Lord. If I give of my resources, whether it's time, friendship, a meal, whatever to those that already like me and know me, it will flow when it's time to give to others. It will be natural. And what does the world need: someone to care. Because trust me, people in the world really don't care about those around them. If I'm kind to those around me, it will be easy to be kind to others If I never speak bad of those around me, I'll not of others.

Practice. Call your friend you haven't seen, talk to them. Take a meal to someone who is a little sick, simple things. People want to know someone cares. Look for them on facebook, say hi. Nag me to invite you over, you might get served hot dogs and chili but it's not the meal that we seek, but the friendship. Remember how to reach out like we want to be reached out to.

For some people this is easy, for some like me it's harder. But I really believe that if we have a glimpse of the Kingdom of God that the way to make things "on earth as they are in Heaven" is to start doing what we envision. I want to have a happy work environment - I stay upbeat; I don't want to be around negative stuff - I stop being negative and walk away; I want to be kind to others - I have to view people not as how they present to me but why they are presented to me (remember I work in an ER). It's the whole Man in the Mirror thing (Michael Jackson). It starts with me.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #4

2010-03-31T12:47:00.000-07:00

Matt. 21: 8Most of the crowd spread their cloaks on the road, and others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. 9And the crowds that went before him and that followed him were shouting, "Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!" 10 And when he entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred up, saying, "Who is this?" 11And the crowds said, "This is the prophet Jesus, from Nazareth of Galilee."

Palm Sunday we walked about with palm leaves and followed a donkey to the church. It was very sweet and a tradition at our church. The children love it and it is thought provoking. This is where you moan and say "oh no, she's thinking again." What would it have been to be part of the crowd? Think about it. There were a lot of crowds mentioned in the Bible, seems they were always around. But there are two crowds that I'm specifically thinking about: the crowd that waved Jesus in and the crowd that cried for his death. What happened in between that changed the way the crowd thought.

Now, I know and understand what had to be. That's not the part that intrigues me. I think that in the first crowd we found people who saw the compassion of Jesus, these are the people that have been hearing him teach, people that have seen the miracles. Maybe they haven't understood the teaching, but they see something they want. A realness that is not there with the religious teachers of the day. The second crowd was stirred by the religious leaders. It was very deliberate in wanting to see Jesus dead. They didn't understand the teachings nor did they want understanding. They had a problem and wanted to be rid of it. So you lie to the crowd, you persuade them, and you get them to do what you want.

In thinking about the first crowd, what does that mean for us today? You see, the modern day church is much like that crowd. We have real believers, but we also have people that are just hanging on, they see something they like, but they aren't "all in." They recognize truth, but it's not the same as being part of the truth. But when it gets hard, then we see that the "truth" is not in them. Today I was reading Facebook and saw this from one of my friends, "Why do people claim to be this "perfect Christian" but in real life they are a horrible person?" She went on to say that it made no sense to her. Of course it makes no sense, how could it? We can't know the hearts of those around us, we can only go by what we see. Yet what we see may not be the best way to look either.

Then there is one of my favorite parts of the story in regards to how people responded. Joseph of Arimathea, a rich man, a secret believer. I can imagine that he probably watched the crowds, maybe even wishing that he could be part of it. That he could wave the branches, that he too could spread his coat out for Jesus. But he had so much to lose. A secret believer. But then after the crucifixion, he went to Pilate and asked for the body to bury it. Imagine what that cost him. He was now "all in."

And then there was the angry crowd. They wanted Jesus dead. But how much of it was people and how much of it was the religious leaders stirring the crowd? And how much of it was human nature confronted with truth? I suspect much of it goes to the latter.

I've thought about this all week, which crowd would I have been in. While I hope in some ways I would have welcomed Jesus in I fear I would have been more than willing to place him on that cross. And not because that was what had to happen. We all have to face that ourselves, that it was us, rather me, that put him on that cross. And now we have to keep coming back to that in order to live the way He taught. So in going back to what my friend wrote, here is my reply.... I'm sorry. All I can say is keep your eyes on Jesus and hope that you recognize that we are so human, and filled with human nature. I'm trying to keep my eyes off the crowd and on Jesus, but it's so much easier to follow that crowd.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #3

2010-03-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

Matthew 11 At that time Jesus declared, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; 26yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. 27 All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

This week I've been hearing over and over "Come to me all who labor and find rest for your soul." My mind doesn't have scripture as readily memorized as some do, but today I sought out the word to see what God was trying to tell me. In the meantime, I've been pondering, what is rest, and what is labor?

In reading the whole passage I found more questions (as I'm prone to do). What is being childlike? You would think I would know this one. I've been a child, raised three of them, and work with tons of them. There are everywhere!!! But you know Jesus had a point to this, since he referred to it more than once in his teaching. So as I sat here this morning, I've been reviewing children, what are they like? What endears us to them? Why do we protect them so? You will have different answers than I do, but of course they are cute and cuddly, they are innocent, they climb in our laps for us to hold, they trust us, they are honest in what they say.

Wonder where Jesus was going with this? Do I trust him enough to totally TRUST him, do I go to him for comfort (usually Ben and Jerry's but I'm working on that one), do I want to sit and play with him, spend time with him? I'm bombing out here. You all know I would rather sit and read a novel than do just about anything, and I'm not very trusting. When the kids were little I remember sitting in the floor playing with them, stacking blocks, playing cars, all those little things. How do we translate that to our relationship to Jesus? I don't know. I'm thinking this is part of the walk that I don't understand. I know it's more that just getting a few minutes in prayer, but really how do we translate having that friendship thing? That just being together that we do with our friends. Some of the most meaningful time you will ever have with a friend is when you are just together, you don't have to always fill the air with the sound of talking, it's just being together. Did I just answer my question?

What is labor? Do we labor to walk in this world? I do, I don't understand a lot of what I see in the ER. I don't understand how people can be mean, cruel, or just stupid. You see people who are ruled by selfishness. But we see it everywhere. The boss that puts you in a bad place, takes credit for your work, the co-worker that is difficult, the neighbor that dumps on you, our families.... Then we react to those things, sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don't. It's wearing to us. If everyone around us was kind and gentle, maybe this world wouldn't be so hard. But I know no matter where we go, there are things that just aren't perfect. There is no job, no family, no relationship that doesn't test our ability to walk out our commitment to the Lord.

Then of course, you will find rest for your souls. I want that. In our walk with the Lord there are things and times that we fall. Some fall harder than others. Some get up and continue, some stay in that place. I had ten years that I was very angry at God. In those years I know that I hurt people, my family, and most of all destroyed what faith I had in God. And myself. It's been hard for me to forgive myself since I repented. I keep coming back to the same thing and it's me that is doing it (I'm sure that the enemy of my soul is feeding all he can into my self focus). I saw someone that hurt me in the past recently, and it stirred up all kinds of memories, it was very difficult. I resorted to old habits to help the pain, drank some wine, broke out Eric Clapton, then Nirvana.... didn't really work well. Today as I read this passage, I realized what the Lord has been saying to me: rest from the past, rest from the knowledge of my sin, rest from the pain, rest from memories, rest from hurt, rest from whatever is there that you need rest from. Total rest. It's there for us. He is gentle and lowly in heart, his burden is light. It's ours that is heavy, throw it off. My burden is heavy and when I pick it back up after he has taken it off, then I don't have his rest.

So faithful has the Lord been to show me through the week about his rest. Years ago, before I ever became a Christian that was my desire, to find rest for my mind. Now to walk it out.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #2

2010-03-17T06:34:00.000-07:00

9"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
11Give us today our daily bread.
12Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.[a]' 14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This morning I was praying for my son about a job interview he had Sunday. We only want this if it's what God wants and it reminded me of praying "your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." What does that really mean?

Can you imagine if everything we did followed the pattern of your kingdom come, your will be done here as it is done in heaven? This is a teaching prayer, we don't just recite it, we should be able to live it. So how does that happen?

Of course you can find wonderful teaching on this, my claim here is not to be a great teacher, it's that I have all these questions that I think we all have.... how in the heck to I do it???

This week a nurse I work with lost her daughter in a horrible accident. The husband now will be a single parent to a 4year old and a 1 year old. As co-workers we have all been stunned, you would think working in the ER we would be prepared for this, but honestly, we don't see it as much as you would think (thank you Jesus) and of course, this is someone we know. The response has been very emotional and very real. But the thing that has touched me is that we are reaching out to each other. It's one time that people are talking about "the Lord" in a very real way. And it gives a good chance to open a door about where we are "in the Lord."

This weekend I worked at my old job and as I was walking to lunch I passed a room, looked in and saw a physician I know. His mother was a patient there. I stopped and spoke with him for some time. His comment was how kind everyone had been. He doesn't know my name, but I'm a familiar face to him. It was the stopping and checking, the interaction. He opened up to me in a way that people never do unless they are very needy of love and kindness. It was very much a chance to minister God's love to someone in a way that would be received like no other time.

How many times do we have to make the choice to be kind, to be generous, to be an extension of what Jesus has done in and for us? It's those daily choices that make us like him, that carry out his kingdom, that bring his will to our lives. If we don't do the little kindness, we won't have a chance to do the big things. Evaluate what kingdom living is... what would it mean if his will was done by all?

The other thing about these times is that we are okay with being who we are. We are truly honest with where we are. That's the thing that is so difficult for us. For me. I want to look good to people, so I don't tell you what I think or did unless it makes me look good. We all do this, but what if we were real. Then the question becomes will we accept one another, will we help each other, and will we grow to be like Jesus or accept status quo? The best example I can give of this is one day a couple of weeks ago I was involved in a conversation about something another nurse did. I thought I was saying something positive but later that day one of my friends said that he had been disappointed that I had been involved in the conversation, he thought better of me and that we should be kinder to that nurse. Regardless of what I thought I was saying, being involved was wrong unless I had stood up for her. I felt like I had been slapped! It was a very gentle reminder that I had failed to be the person I should have been. And now I'm trying, note trying to be more generous about who I am and who I represent.

So my thinking is that it's the little things that sometimes show best who we are as Christians. We need to walk gently, make small decisions to be kind, to give grace to those around us... then we can do the big things that we are asked to do. Like toddlers learning to walk, little steps before we run.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #1

2010-02-20T11:05:00.000-08:00

I've had this in my head to do for some time, but now the time has come to put it on paper (or computer). I've not been a reader of many devotion books, but I love reading the titles. Actually I read the titles to a lot of books, but not many entice me to read them that are Christian in nature. So why is that? What is wrong with me?

I found myself a few years ago sorting people into "church people" and the rest of us. Yes, it's wrong, but I did it anyway. I don't know that I can tell you what a "church people" is, but overall they scare me. The best guess is that they are the ones that you want to ask "so what do you do to sin?" Note, these are not necessarily the ones that go to church and you see Saturday night at places neither of you should be, but the ones that are just so perfect. The ones that make me nervous, because I'll never be that person.

So this is for those of us that are failures at being "church people." My goal in doing this is not to be a great teacher, I'm not. It's to see if there are others that are like me, struggling to live the gospel. My vision of this is to find scriptures that have meaning to me, share what thoughts they invoke with you. I love feedback. I'll have a few different thoughts than you, and hopefully we will al grow in the Lord. If nothing else, maybe I'll learn there are more like me than I thought. Maybe even a few people that I think are church people will be more like me than I knew.

So here goes:
Each week in our church we recite a confession. We don't confess our individual sins to each other, this is a group thing. And each week I'm convicted about the same thing: I don't love my neighbor as myself. Here is the scripture: Matthew 22:37-40 (New International Version)

37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[a] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b] 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

So what does this mean to me? There are many Bible studies done on this I'm sure but I've taken it to work and trying to walk this one out. First of all it's the co-worker that stresses me. One was a charge nurse that for some reason I disliked. One night I became convicted that my whole attitude towards her was not Christ like. So I began to greet her by name, ask her how she was, in general just being nicer. She's still not my favorite charge nurse, but overall we get along. More than anything I don't want to sully the name of the Lord.

Another thing is how to treat those of other belief systems. In the last few weeks I've had several dealings with Muslim families. I feel very honored that I've been able to serve them with love and kindness. The last couple I was able to anticipate some needs so that they could do their prayers while they waited on the child;s treatment to be completed. It shocked the father that I knew what they would need. My goal in this is again, to honor Jesus by my kindness to them.

Sounds great so far, but I struggle with those that are abusing the system, those that have abused their children, and those that in my words "just need a good smacking." How do I treat them? I don't know, well, maybe I haven't walked that one out. I try so hard to balance what is right, a need for justice, to know individually who needs assistance and who needs to learn to care for themselves. I see many poor people - people that are victims of our economy. But I also see those that have become enslaved to a system that rewards you for not trying. And I can't fix that in one visit, heck, in twenty visits. I need discernment to know when to call attention to overuse of resources and when it's time to give resources. How to show compassion to people that are ashamed of their situation and need resources. And how to comfort the weary, the weak, and those in need.

I'm in a position to see many people like this, but what about the bookkeeper or the secretary? Who is your neighbor? What about the person who cleans your desk, the waiter when you get lunch, or the UPS guy? Each of these is looking for a kind word, someone that notices they are there. I always think of "the least of these..." Some days I'm the least, some days you are the least, and some days you get to be the one that was kind to the least.

Confession

2010-01-06T07:51:00.001-08:00

This is what we speak each week in confession. I wanted a place where I could keep it for reference.

Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, work, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truely sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake or your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.

Choose Choice Chosen

2009-11-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

These three words are words that have always given me trouble. I may have not used them correctly in the following story. I have made bad choices, and I have seen others make choices that have (affected / effected) others. Thanksgiving when we were gathered with the collective family we discussed words that are difficult to know which one to use and that led to the title here.

Many years ago (14 or so) we were going to a church we loved, very connected and active in the church. Then came this move of the spirit and things got, well, strange. They changed from strange to worse. The pastor changed his focus, fired the deacons and elders, installed people he wanted (might I mention they didn't even live in the state) and after many people left the church, the pastor moved on to somewhere else to start his own ministry. In this midst of all this, I was the pastor's secretary. A few people have said, "Well, that explains a thing or two." Needless to say I saw a lot and heard more.

The end of us in the church came and we left. I was fine for awhile, but then the weight of all of it came down on me. I questioned how God could have led us into this disaster. I questioned a lot of things. I became very angry at God and decided that if that was the best He could do, I could do just as well on my own. After all, He led us into that disaster after we had sought him so faithfully for years.

Do I need to mention how badly I led myself? I hope not, I have confessed and God has fortunately taken me back and forgiven me for being so stubborn. But what He didn't do was answer my questions. Why? But then, faithful as He is, he decided to show me again how to go through this. The church we became part of, a local baptist church (and let me just say here that I really wanted to be part of a Baptist church, I knew their leadership system and there was NO WAY what happened before could happen) went through some rough times. A new pastor came, one that was chosen after much prayer and consideration. You know, a new sheriff in town and all that. The details are painful still, but we got to be part of the breakdown of the church.

This time was different. I had just come back to the Lord, just said, "I trust you." when it started. I was beginning to open up, make friends with "church people" and think that maybe here was hope. The difference was that this time I responded differently. Funny, I was a source of strength to others. Still find that amusing. The highlight was the day that I was told I had to leave the sanctuary because I was there to pray with some others. Funny, me a threat.

We left the church, went on to first a home church for a year, then to St. Andrews. A place of grace and healing. And it has been. But the question has been there the whole time: why? It has been a huge thing to me that God has never shown me why He allowed this. Now, let me say I understand scripture, how all things work together, I'm a Calvinist, I birthed and raised Calvinists (I can't really take credit for the raising them that way, but the fact remains, I totally understand the concepts). God won't do more than we are able, and so on. But why, if we sought him with our whole heart, did He lead us to places of disaster?

The other day we were going somewhere and talking about those things when it hit me, "the other people made choices too." Great revelation, but what I think God was telling me was that He led us to the perfect place for us, and even though He knew what was going to happen, the pastors each (and lots of other people) made choices for themselves that affected the outcome of the whole. I made a choice to walk away from the Lord when I was angry. Pastor #1 made a decision to follow the desires of his heart / flesh (I'm not being judgmental here - please understand) and the same with Pastor #2. Others chose either to go the easy path, leave the church and not stand up for what was right, or (and this is what I believe with most) felt the right thing to do was not divide the body.

God did know what was going to happen. He's not responsible for the choices that were made, although He knew what would be chosen. He didn't make me walk away, He allowed it. The outcome: I have so much better understanding of the gospel, of what Christ has done for me, and so much more grace that I ever did before. Was it a "good" choice? no. I almost destroyed my family, and I nearly destroyed myself.

I miss Pastor #1, when I think of him I remember the passion he had for the gospel. Everything he did he threw himself into. When he died there were some that said this is judgment passed on him. I cried. I know that he is with the Lord, and I know that I have forgiven him for the things done. But now I understand so much more.

So in the days after, we went to the Thanksgiving service at St. Andrews. Philip taught from Deut. 8. It could not have been more appropriate for what God was telling me. I won't quote it here but it was the word for me.

Thank you Lord for being so faithful and answering my question when I thought I would have to wait until I see you face to face (all the while knowing I probably wouldn't even care then).

Who am I?

2009-11-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

I recently went to a "viewing" the evening before a funeral. It was done very tastefully and well. But it did get me to thinking. When I die, I want people to enjoy the time. Hopefully not too much, but to remember what makes me, well, me.

So here goes: my music: there is so much variety, it can't be summed up in just a few bands or groups. There is the bluegrass side, the gospel, the rock. Nirvana to New Grass Revival. But there's more.... I don't know how to describe it. And the same goes for most people.

The books: Currently reading a history of the Mossad, this is not the first I've read of them. A nation being created, new life, bringing in the old, how to mix all this together. Much like the church of today, how do we all fit together? Stephanie Plum makes me laugh out loud, Scarpetta makes me sad, history excites me and math amazes me (A Beautiful Mind - I almost understood, it was so close, but I can't do the math).

The cartoons: They are everywhere in my house, I want to share them. Stephan Pastis, you are amazing. Rat and the baseball bat, I GET it!!! Calvin and Hobbs, the deeper meaning of life as you fly off the cliff on the sled. My approval ratings with 3 year olds tends to be poor at work. Why dinosaur's died out (they were smoking). Hal! Bummer of a birthmark! My refrigerator is covered in cartoons.

My friends: I have a lot of friends, some I've known for years, some are new. I don't understand how someone picks a BFF because I would have many. There are some I go to for comfort, some for instruction, some to expand my thinking, some when I need a laugh, one when I needed slapped. Some are very straight, some are wild. But the sum of my friends explains to a great degree who I am. Today I had lunch with one of the friends that has been there for years, we still have much to discuss.

My family: married over 30 years, he is a big part of who I am. I love that he wrote a song about me "Growing Up Together" because that is what we have done. He's not the same man I married, he's evolved but still has that loving spirit. He's introduced me to much of the music I now like, we've walked a long way together through many changes. Who am I without him? I don't want to know. The boys, each in his own way has also shaped me. I try to be more sensitive to their feelings. I'm even changing some of the way I cook to suit their taste, and that's a good thing. They challenge me in my walk with the Lord. I've seen them grow from cute, sweet boys into men of character. Somewhere in there I'm there.

My job: I'm a nurse. Not the smartest, not the best, but I care about my patient. As I told a teenage when we were taking her out of a dangerous home: I'm your advocate, that is my job. What I see you need, I will fight for. I may not cave to your whining or pampering, but I'll take care of you. I like what I do, I want to do it better. And if you say I did a good job, that's great, if you don't, I live with myself, and I know when I do well.

So this is me. The sum of me. Not a snapshot, not a bunch of flowers. Put up a stack of books, a board from my refrigerator. Play my iPod. Who are you?

Go and Sin No More

2009-10-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

I belong to a Bible Study with a group of people from my church. They are all very nice people, all very strong Christians. This is one of those posts where I need to work out my thoughts, so if I ramble, I'm sorry. I got a bit frustrated the other night and finally just had to leave. I needed to go anyway, but it hit the point that I had to go to maintain my sanity. I might have been rude, I hope not, but it was close.

So there were a couple of things. One is that I don't read much Christian literature. Fiction or non-fiction. Used to, a lot. Now I don't. I don't know who the authors are (well, the children have indoctrinated me in Piper and a few others) and I don't really care to know. If you know me, you know I can tell you about all kinds of other literature. I've found that overall I'm content to read the scripture without a lot of explanation. Maybe I should, maybe I would be better with it, but oh well. So all of these people read a lot of Christian stuff, one actually works in the area of publishing. They talk the talk, they know the books and films, and I'm usually fine with that. But this particular night they were planning things and we should do this and read this and study this and show this film (oh, have you seen it??? HA, never heard of it and at the time didn't really care). I was soooo left out. My own fault, I guess maybe I should immerse myself into it, but I don't want to. So maybe my insecurities came out a bit making the second thing seem even bigger.

Again, let me say, these are very nice people that several of them are in ministry - a ministry devoted to the family. They are all solid people. I am not in any way bashing them. I don't want that to come across. So, our church is involved with some homeless people and one of the women has been telling us about this couple. The man and woman are not married, and there is a child by another man. The woman is not yet divorced from the child's father. Somehow, these people have come to live here and have recently accepted the Lord. They have come into contact with our church. I don't know if they are attending or not but that hasn't been like a requirement for people to be helped. The group that night was to hear specific needs and decide how much help we could give them. And let me just say, there are a lot of needs, not just financial.

In the discussion about what needs there were, it was asked if there was any hope of restoring the marriage of the woman to the other man. And they discussed it. And they discussed the fact that they were having a hard time helping them because they were living together. This is where I have a hard time. I understand that these people are not doing it right. And maybe they should not be living together, but so far I'm not seeing that God has convicted them about it. They are new Christians (hopefully) and not really aware of all the rules. Yes, we all know you aren't supposed to do that, but I'm sure there are plenty of other things they need to focus on. Like just following for now. And while I understand the questions these people have, I keep going back to the woman that was about to be stoned. When Jesus was asked what they should do, he knelt on the ground and began to write. When he finished, they all had left. He told the woman to go and sin no more. He didn't discuss specific lifestyle changes, he didn't make her stand in front of the church and confess to being a prostitute. He accepted her as she was and went on. Go and sin no more. Neither did he give her a list of her sins that she needed to change to be accepted.

I know who I am and what I have done in my life. I know I'm a bit! judgmental, I know that I have and have done many things. I really don't want them exposed. Some things I have come to grips with and can laugh about, and some I can't. Some I never speak of, and may never. Would I be accepted by these same people if they knew my heart? This is why most church people make me have panic attacks. Why so many churches I can't even imagine being part of. And it's not just me. My gay friends, I know they are in sin, they know it. One day they will need a safe haven, and I want to have one for them. It is the least of these that we must love and care for.

I don't want to judge my friends, I just wanted to scream that we can't fix those things, we must meet them where they are. And maybe they came to that conclusion after I left. Maybe there were there and I was so blinded by my prejudice that I couldn't see it. And I haven't offered to do anything for the couple yet. Trying to figure out what I can offer. And seeking God about that. Because if I do, I want it to be a full commitment and not just a feel good, yeah I'll do it.

Sigh.

2009-10-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

I had a rape victim this week. You know, she made a mistake. But she didn't ask for what she got. She was such a sweet girl, and yes, I hugged her. She has a good mom that will help her, but it's going to be rough. This is one I could see going to court, and I hope it does.

So how do I handle it? How can I work with that? Because as she was getting her exam, I had the privilege of making it less traumatic. She's a reader, we talked books. We explored which is the better writer: Rowling or Meyers? We talked about her future. We left the room so to speak while the doctor did his job. I held her hand, and I remember being 16 and stupid. I would hope that it's not held against me forever.

I thought about her this morning in church, and prayed for her. I hope that healing will come to her one day. I hope many things for the swine that did this to her (maybe I need to repent of that). But mostly I wish I could hug her again, and tell her that I really do care.

That's how I do the tough things at work.

It was a good day.

2009-10-14T09:11:00.001-07:00

Went to work for a day at my old job. Now I'm doing Emergency but this was a day of critical care. The neat thing about going back is that sometimes you are better than you were. Maybe it's because you aren't tired of the same of thing, maybe it's a fresh perspective, who knows. It was a great day. Nothing went wrong, got to see old friends, a good day.

I told my husband when I got home, it was good. I had a man that had just had a heart attack and gone to the cath lab. Got him out of bed, shaved, cleaned up. He was going to stay there a few days but he was content. There were a few things I brought to the docs attention, just little things.

Then there was this older lady. I helped get her to a lower oxygen need, spent a lot of time talking with her family, working on some things that would help them at home. She loved to talk, I spent a lot of time in there feeding her and listening to her. A lot of time. But it was okay. My only day there, I had nothing more important to do. Just to listen. It was a good day. Her son that didn't come to visit called twice, talked to him a long time as well.

Today I talked to a friend that works there, this lady died suddenly yesterday. Said it was a bad code, unexpected. All I could think about was all that time I listened to her talk, and I was so glad that there was nothing more important that day. No one knew she only had two days to live. But she was the most important thing I had that day. And it was a good day.

Personality Profile

2009-09-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

I recently did a personality profile. I'm thinking that they may have missed a few things. How do you line up the various quirks, so to speak, of a persons personality.

I'm very compassionate, yet if you piss me off, I won't bring you a warm blanket.

I love a code, yet find myself crying over the old people down the street that died in a car wreck.

I like people, but I don't.

Church people terrify me, I will never measure up to their standards. If they knew the real me, hah! they would never let me in the club. Trust me, my long term friends will even tell you that.

I believe in authority, and am willing to use a baseball bat to get you in line. Yet I question authority every chance I get.

I believe in team work, but don't want anyone else doing my work.

The list goes on and on. I don't understand myself. I will never be able to get past that whole "love your neighbor as yourself" thing, first of all, I barely know my neighbor and second, I would much rather read my book.

Sigh..... and there were no questions about duct tape and creative ways to use it. I see myself as Rat in Pearls before Swine. Oh well.

Attitudes and Latitudes

2009-09-23T03:11:00.001-07:00

I recently did a project a work that would be a great time saver for everyone if, well, everyone would actually follow through. Real simple, we have these cabinets in our trauma rooms that we had to check each shift to make sure that everything was in them. I locked them with breakaway locks. Concept is that if you open the cabinet, you replace what was used, relock it. Pretty simple, AND we don't have to go through them each shift now to replace the stuff. We even set it up so that it was pretty clear who's responsibility it was to replace the stuff.

Alas, human nature being what it is, people love the idea, love not counting the stuff, just don't want to do the work to put the stuff back. I don't get it.

This morning, I was told "that happened at shift change, you wouldn't have done it either." Okay, first of all, don't put your work ethics on me. I would have done it. Why? Because I hate counting those cabinets and will do whatever it takes to keep them locked so I don't have to do it each shift. And second, and probably more important, is that if you want change, start with yourself. It's so much easier now. Really, and not just because it was my ideal. It was my ideal to avoid counting them daily. I'm fine with that motive. It saves time for everyone.

Michael Jackson for all his weirdness had a great song with The Man in the Mirror. I'm really trying to change who I am and what others see. Attitude, attitude, attitude.

The People on the Refrigerator

2009-09-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

Today I almost met one of the families on my refrigerator. Okay, no one that knows me from work will believe that I am actually quiet shy outside of work. They were sitting two rows behind me in a Sunday School class and there was a lot of time that I could have done it. I mean, it's the new associate pastor of the church, how scary could he be? Well, considering that I've never really spent time with the main pastor, not seeing this happen. I think of all kinds of things I would like to say, but, nope.

When we first put their picture up on the refrigerator, our children were asking who they were. We tried to convince them that it was the new family we were adopting, but they didn't believe it. But it was fun.

Ever notice how many people have pictures of families, of children, cartoons on their refrigerators? There are only a few people on ours, I favor cartoons: Pearls before Swine, Zits, Baby Blues mostly. I love looking at photo's in other people's kitchens. You have an open door into who they are. So is it deceptive that I have people on mine that I'm too timid to meet? But that's another day.

Other Peoples Money

2009-09-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

Today at Starbucks I saw a car tag "Tithes." I don't know these people, but that disturbed me. When we give to churches, organizations, or whatever, there is an effort to it. Sure we could use the money for things here, but we give. And when we give to the church, I don't expect an accounting of every dime from them, I want them to live well and enjoy the same things I do. I have close friends that receive their salary from donations, and none of them are frivolous with their money. So why did this bother me? I think because they are saying it. They are spending extra money to show that they are getting their money from other people. This is no different that the people in government that are wasteful of our money. So many don't even care. They would if it stopped and they actually had to get their hands dirty to earn it like so many do.

Grrrrrr This note could go lots longer, but I know so many people are beginning to tire of it.

Culture

2009-09-12T17:59:00.001-07:00

Today I triaged a child from a middle Eastern country. The parents didn't speak English well but had a male friend with them that spoke some English. It was very interesting noticing some of the things that were done. I'm sure they were Muslin, wife had her head covered and the fact they were Arabic.

When I took the child's temperature, we do it rectally at that age and she was there for fever, the friend stepped out of the room to not see her bottom. I usually don't expose that much of the patient if I can help it so I thought that was interesting. This isn't a big deal, but it does make me wonder if because we are so casual about such things if we don't set ourselves up for the lack of privacy that we have in the US.

I'm not about to convert, I don't want to live under that much law. But I think sometimes we criticize things that are different without looking at the value they might have.

Of course, lets finish the story. I went to get the baby some Tylenol and as I was giving it to her, she showed me how angry she was at me. She barfed all over me.

One other thing. They were confused when I told them the temperature. I finally realized I needed to give it to them as I took it, in Celsius. The friend kept saying, "37?" I was like, 39, she's sick.

Discord

2009-09-10T15:04:00.001-07:00

I hate discord. I hate doing stupid things. I did something stupid today and it lead to discord.

Seems like it's not difficult to do, stupid things. I make fun of strangers for those things. I try to be gracious, but sometimes we are overwhelmed with stupidity and it just comes out. Also, it's what makes things fun in the ER. Otherwise, how many accidents would we really see?

I feel bad, I've said I'm sorry. I will try not to do it again. I figure I'll do something stupid again, hopefully not something that irritates my son. I wonder sometimes if others try not to hurt us as much as we try not to hurt them.

Oh well. Really feeling dismal today. Sorry.

Maybe It's Over

2009-09-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

Normally I like to write and be cheerful, but not today. A few weeks ago my son's girlfriend of several years broke up with him. There was no fight, they are still friends, and there is no other guy. I have no problem with her reasons, I understand. For awhile, I thought maybe this would make them realize how much they need each other and they might even become more serious. It was difficult to let go.

I dearly love this girl. But maybe it is over. This is very hard for me.

I saw her today, for a long time I couldn't imagine our life without her. I still can't. But I can see that maybe it's over.

That's it. I think I just needed to write it to make it real.

Still Here

2009-09-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

Got out of the habit of writing and want to keep the blog active. Life is always interesting, but I'll write it another day.

Grace

2009-01-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

So in this world where we have so little time and patience for each other, I found my own little parable. We have three cats: Martin Luther, Gracie, and Ellie. Each of these cats has come to us after being rescued. Ellie was found at the vets office, she was cute and adorable. Our dog at the time kept sniffing her and wanting to see her while we were there for a visit. I brought her home as joke with every intention of returning her.... and here she is. Gracie was found in a cemetery, we found a home for her but the people were not very caring, she was returned to us fearful of humans and pregnant. It has taken years to get her where she will willingly come out for attention. And then there is ML. He was treed by our dogs, but they seem to love him. The biggest dog even will pick the kitten by the scruff of the neck to move away from something Harrison doesn't think he needs.

The parable: Gracie and Elie absolutely hate the kitten! There is no grace for the new kitten. It reminds me of how we as Christians treat each other. We forget that we too were saved by grace and that we too have not fully walked out our redemption. I just find it interesting.

Introducing: Martin Luther

2009-01-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

The day we celebrated Christmas our dogs brought us a present. We weren't exactly excited, they had treed a kitten. The affirmed "cat hater" in my house is the one that retrieved it from the tree and brought it inside. I knew this was not going to go well.

For the first couple of weeks, we danced around the naming issue, since we were hoping to send it back to it's real owner. My husband in particular wanted to send it back, yet even though he was off work during that time, only one "Is This Your Cat" poster got put up. So the kitten remains.

We have two dogs (with long furry tails) and two other cats (with long furry tails) that have not exactly welcomed the new one home. But personality wise this kitten could care less about established protocols (which cat lives in which room, or when the people read the cat that gets to be in the lap), he just does what he wants. So the naming began.

Here are some of the suggestions: John Piper, MacArthur, Augustus of Hippo (I kinda liked this one, but didn't know how to explain to people the history of the name), Calvin (again, I really liked, but it brought up images of Calvin and Hobbes - and that is another case where most people didn't know the background), Newton, Wesley (totally rejected - must not be Calvinist enough), Wilberforce (again, I like it). This should tell you a lot about the people in my house. The final name: for his firey termperment, his commentment to tearing down the establishment, his zeal - Martin Luther (to be called Luther).

After my final 16 weeks of homeschool are complete, I must read up on church history.

12 Days of Christmas

2009-01-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

To those of you who do not know, my husband and I are now attending an Anglican church. This is a massive change for us, one that has shocked a few people. Now, I'm really enjoying it, they do the "crossy" thing, you know, where they cross themselves, they don't properly dunk people, they splash water on them for baptism, they exercise during church with all the up and down kneeling, and they have a "fake" break - what they call sharing the peace, we would call intermission (or meet and greet). There are other things, but I'm still sorting it all out. As you can already tell, this is like the Beverly Hillbillies going to big church.

Recently the pastor did a class that he called something like "the Holy Spirit at reveals Christmas" sadly I don't remember the real name because I called it "Advent for Dummies." I had no idea we as Baptist (or whatever I really was) had not been doing things right (not that the pastor in any way implied this - remember who is writing this letter). But anyway, on with why you are getting this. Much to my delight this past Sunday I discovered that we celebrate the 12 days of Christmas. Now, I had to miss the last Advent for Dummies class, so I don't know why or anything, but it did mean that we get an extra two weeks of Christmas caroles and lights. I'm all in favor of that. Then to top it all, we got this great handout that explains the song. I thought that some of you might (in all seriousness) like this and want to be more in tune with what you are singing about. So here it is:

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" was written in England as one of the "catechism songs" to help young Christians learn the tenets of their faith. The songs gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The "true love" mentioned in the song doesn't refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God Himself. The "me" who recieves the presents refers to every baptized person. The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. In the song, Christ is symbolically presented as a mother partridge which feigns injury to decoy predators from her helpless nestlings, much in the memory of the expression of Christ's sadness over the fate of Jerusalem.

2 Turtle Doves - the Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens - Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds - Four Gospels and / or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings - first Five Books of the Old Testament, the Pentateuch which gives the history of man's fall from grace
6 Geese A laying - the six days of Creation
7 Swans A swimming - the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids a milking - the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing - the nine Fruits of the Spirit
10 Lords A leaping - the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping - the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming - the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed.

So... there you have it. Now what will be running through your head the next time you hear the song? I thought this was neat and wanted to pass it along. Of course, sadly, the church has no idea (but they will soon - we're going to attend the newcomer's class) what they have let in the door. Other's may think it, sadly, I will probably say it....

Christmas - a bit late

2008-12-28T21:24:00.001-08:00

I haven't written in forever. See, one of the child units got married and I've been a bit busy. We are very excited, love the girl. There was no loss involved. He will continue to grow as a man and we have gained a new member of the family. I'm excited.

Tonight we did Christmas, yes, late. There was no tree, no decorations. The house is still recovering from the blessings of the showers and all the other gifts that were given. There was no room for decorations. However, I don't think we could have been more joyous! The youngest was probably the funniest, but then, there was competition. Two gifts were rigged with explosives, but then you weren't sure after that first one. The neglected middle child wrapped a gift in a duck tape, with pictures drawn on. All in all it was great fun. We gave them gifts from their childhood: chocolate for chocolate milk, lego's, and toy skateboards (each had money attached for clothes) and then other gifts.

That's it for now, just felt like I negected all.

Duh

2008-08-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

So I think I've met the dumbest parents yet. I can't imagine this one being topped. The parents come in (I'm in triage) with their two week old baby. According to them, the baby had an episode earlier in the evening where "she didn't breathe for a whole minute and was as red as a tomato." Okay, plausible..... but the usual color would be blue, not red. Sadly, they kept talking. Seems the whole story is that the doctor told her that the baby was a week premature, when actually the baby was two weeks premature. (for those not in the know, this baby is fully cooked). The problem they had was that "no one assessed the baby's lungs before birth or after" and they wanted it done. They watch TLC and know that what they need is an amniocentesis. I'm sure my readers will know that they are, oh, at least two weeks late for this procedure and the lungs would have been assessed with a stethoscope (similar to what I did in front of them) prior to leaving the hospital after birth.

We admitted the baby. I think it was to protect it for a few hours but you never know. After waiting in the ER for several hours for the admission team to come, the baby's daddy got mad and said they wanted to go home. Reassurance was given, and they went to the floor shortly after. When the nurse that took them to the floor returned, she was flustered. Seems when they got there, then the daddy threw a fit to go home. DUH, you're already there...... stay awhile.

I know people get frustrated and don't realize that the wait to go to the floor in this hospital really isn't that bad. I was used to seeing some folks be in the ER a day or two at times, so a few hours to me wasn't bad. Anyway.....

Memories

2008-08-05T06:46:00.001-07:00

Funny how they catch you off guard. Worded last night, didn't eat supper, just some pretzel goldfish (yeah, they're really good). So I went to breakfast. The hospital where I work is across the freeway from the office complex where my dad worked the whole time we lived in this state, 1965 until he retired. When I was a kid, he would sometimes take me to the office, and then we would go to lunch at the hospital cafeteria (the food was really good back then).

This morning, as the sun was new over the complex, as I sat and ate my breakfast, many memories of my dad washed over me. I have so missed them both lately. It's invaded my dreams, my waking hours....

One of my fears is that I won't be remembered for who I really am. I hope I am remembering my parents in the way they would want. I remember a lot of fun, I think of how my dad would react to the news of the day, my mom in my work. It's painful, yet peaceful.

I think I need some sleep. What I would like right now is a medically induced heavy sleep, however the best I got is Tylenol PM and herbs. I'm guessing chocolate wouldn't help.

The Problem With Boys

2008-08-02T14:26:00.001-07:00

I love my sons, dearly. However sometimes I long for a girl. It's time for school to start and first let me remember the days when I would order the new books for the year, the workbooks, the reading books (for those out of the loop we home school). The books would come and I would thumb through them, thinking about how much fun we would have as we did the workbooks.... yes, my imagination ran away with me. Alas, these boys, each of them, their idea of "color the balloon red if it has a vowel in it" was to draw a single line of red in it. Never fully coloring the balloons, or whatever. Now, I could have "beat" them into submission, but that wasn't the point. They never liked the new stuff, they never liked school, they never liked reading. Buying school supplies for them was an exercise in "I don't care."

Today I went shopping for a few things we need for our last year of school. I wandered around the store, looking at all the really cool stuff. But every folder I looked at, well, all I could think of was that he really doesn't care what it looks like unless it looks girly, then he deeply cares.

I just don't understand, guess I never will. Maybe there will be grandchildren, girls....... but I probably won't understand them either......

*sigh*

The Bugman

2008-07-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

So I really need to know if I'm the only one. When the bugman is scheduled to come, my house gets cleaned more than any other time. Which is sad. We really don't have bugs, well, currently there is a crop of fleas. But that's because of the cats and their inability to get rid of said fleas. Compared to what the bugman probably sees other places, we really aren't that bad.

I really liked the last bugman, he was in seminary. Don't know this new one yet. Hopefully we won't have to see too much of him. In my state it didn't get very cold this winter so the mosquitoes and fleas have been horrible this year. Actually I've seen a lot of june bugs in the house, and I don't understand that. Maybe the kids are standing at the door with it open welcoming the critters in.

Just curious. Have busted my butt today cleaning, I'm tired and grouchy now. Frankly, a glass of wine would be so nice, but it might involve me getting dressed and going out to get it. Not there yet. Oh well. There's always tomorrow......

The Bright Idea

2008-07-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

I had an ideal. Been thinking about it for a couple of weeks. It just wouldn't go away. You know how it is, and then every time I looked at the "victim" it just seemed to get better and better in my mind.

So today was the day. Should only take a few minutes. I figured I could do it before 1) the victim caught on and 2) I ran to get my hair done.

I gathered the needed supplies. Dog/cat shampoo (purchased yesterday for the occasion), a towel, the sink was clean, the cat was caught. She was so excited, I was going to pet her. I had run about an inch of water in the sink, figuring that would be enough. I gently placed said cat into the water. That was when things began to go downhill. First, the cat said "no" then "no' louder. Now, she is declawed on the front paws, but not the back. The back legs flashing, she was able to pull the drain and get the water out. Round 1 to the cat. I suggested nicely to my spouse that maybe he could help me a bit. He really didn't want to get involved, but did grab the cellphone camera. Got the drain placed back in the sink, more water un, spouse conceded to opening the shampoo for me. Round 2: me.

Don't know if you've ever bathed a cat before (I have, wasn't this bad on the previous cat) but you kinda have to be quick. Okay, it's an understatement. Real quick. However, I needed the fleas to get bathed as well, so I tried to extend this one out some. Round 3: cat.

Next is rinsing the cat. Oh, need I add that the cat is not being still by any sense of the imagination. She is all over the sink and counter - picture a bucking bull with me having one hand on the cat and the other trying to do the washing and/ or rinsing. Many times she was totally in the air or on me while I was trying to gently return her to the sink. Round 4: me - I got her rinsed.

I stuffed her into the towel, wiped as much as I could, and put her in another room. I had not really planned on a shower, but the cat didn't quite get all of me, so I went to shower. I guess the summation would be from the hair dude: "what happened to your hair?"

The cat is still pretty mad. The other cat is hiding. I'm thinking... the other cat drinks from the commode. I may just push her in, squirt shampoo in, flush a couple of times and be done with it.

You know, I've had no energy since then, wonder why......

The Birthday

2008-07-14T14:56:00.001-07:00

The future daughter in law was here for the weekend and we celebrated her birthday!! Cannot describe how much we love this girl, she is everything we could want for our son.

You must understand that over the years for every birthday one of my friends has been to pretty much every party. Besides the fact that we like her, she can sing Happy Birthday on key. As the boys have gotten older, we have joked about no one in our house singing the song because, well the boys are happy to have cake. Another thing is that my children are a bit, well, conservative in their emotions at home. They are happy with cake and presents and that has made it easy for me.

So Saturday at 11pm we are finally all home to eat cake and do presents (spouse and I crawled out of bed for this). So as we are standing there looking at the cake I look at DIL and say, "we pretty much don't sing Happy Birthday." Son adds a comment in about how terrible we sound at singing. She gets this look on her face, and for unknown reasons I started singing the song. I'm thinking, I'll sing the first line, we'll laugh....... Okay, again, never had girls... they are foreign creatures..... she started dancing. I was shocked, kept singing. The boys stood there staring, mouths ajar. It was awesome!!!

I love this girl. She is bringing new stuff to our life daily!!!

Ear's and Twats

2008-07-10T05:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, "How could these possibly be related?"

Here's the story: I'm doing triage in the ER. A young lady comes in and tells me all about her earache, she's in pain, 10 out of 10, blah, blah, blah. My observations: she's flat faced, no visible signs of pain (yeah, I know, we aren't supposed to go by that), never touches her ear or that side of her face, totally calm as she talks. Fortunately for her, she's there early enough we can get her back right away. When the lady helping me takes her back to the room, she comes back and tells me, "You won't believe what just happened!! I took her back there, they pulled back the curtain and she then says, "Oh, I need to be checked for an STD." Seems the doc overheard and was none to pleased. I mean, that really doesn't constitute an emergency.

My response.....I didn't know ears and twats were related. NOW I know to ask if you have ear pain whether your twat hurts. Geez, people.

Do Your Job

2008-07-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

When you go into healthcare there is one thing that we all know will happen at some point or another. We will have to pee in the cup. It may be for the initial job screening, it may be random, or it may be *gasp* because some idiot lost the narcotic (and yes, that idiot could be me, but it wasn't).

So this facility didn't seem to know what to do when the event happened, and although I asked several times about whether or not I needed to pee for them, I was told no, "you weren't in the room." I figure, heck, they know what they are doing. I was wrong and so were they. I was awakened to be told that yes, I had to pee when I came back the next shift. I work nights, so I started drinking extra around 5am, but my last trip to the bathroom was at 3am. Employee Health opened at 7:30, I figured since so many people were having to come it would be easy to get us done. Three of us showed up, actually one got there ahead of my friend and I, she left about 7:45. There's another girl in there for something else, we tell them we are there because of the missing narcotic. I offered that I hadn't peed since 3am. They offered us water. Now, wouldn't you think they knew we were there for a pee test from that. Thirty minutes later they tell us the girl has left to go get cups for us to pee in. I can not tell you how upset I was at that point, but I was trying to not make this any worse. So after an hour (again, we should now be off work, we've been up all night, etc) the girl comes out, she's upset saying, "I had no idea you guys were here for this." I looked at here and said, "But they brought us water and we told them." She was so upset that I couldn't be mad at her.

My point is this, those people that ignored us didn't consider the fact that we had been up, that we were totally inconvienced by other people not knowing policy. And while they sitting at their desk watching TV they were keeping us from going home after 12 hour shift. Anyway, never has peeing felt so good, nor has a drug test been so easy.

Prom

2008-04-25T14:21:00.001-07:00

Tonight my youngest goes to prom. I'm waiting for the iron to warm up to iron the shirt with his suit. This is the boy that I just didn't see him doing prom. This is the "blonde" in every sense of the word. He's meeting the girl there, I think that was a her dad thing. But he realized today (even though I warned him some time ago) that we needed to get a corsage (did I mention it was at 12:45 this afternoon). But it's done.

He's a good kid, he'll have fun. These kids are all homeschooled, but their desire to do this right is high. I was there this afternoon watching them decorate. I never did prom, so it's all new to me. But I'm glad he'll go.

My babies are growing up.

Can't Sleep

2008-04-17T02:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't written in awhile. Life has been full of real life and when I have down time I've wasted it reading and all. Okay, some of it was watching Deadliest Catch. Worked the last three nights, sleep all day Wednesday, awake most of Wednesday night. Today I have PALS and I'm sure I'll catch all of it since I haven't slept.

The new job? I love it. I think it's the inherit good nature of children. I hear all the time: I couldn't do that. But I think it's good that I can. Why? Because someone has to do it and I believe that I can make it a better experience. If not that, at least I care about them.

Yes, we have "beat your baby" and what makes people want to have sex with little ones is beyond me. But I can still show good love to the victims. It is heart breaking when the little one looks at you and you know what they've been through and then they say, "I don't like shots." The tone was flat. The nurse drawing the blood almost cried. It took nothing to hold her still, because she has been so abused. I could do it, but my first inclination was to hold her and love on her. To show her that not everyone that enters her life will abuse her. No, I didn't cry. Sometime I think I will. But the gentleness that we could give MAYBE overrode the horror in her.

Then there are the parents...... Yes, I feared them when I started. But you know, most of them just want you to help their child. They can overreact, but you calm them. You show them you care. And apparently you can't kill them for being stupid or unkind (I asked). I've asked a lot about some of these parents, but I guess we give kids out to just about anyone. It has been nice though when the parent tells you how much they appreciate the care you've given.

But the best is just being with the kids. The babies.... the toddlers....... the teens..... the tweens..... Each has their own special joy. Last night the kid was being worked up for a possible appendectomy. He could out talk any girl I've met. We were all relieved when the drugs made him sleepy, But he was curious, must have not been in the hospital before. But then there are those that know everything we're going to do to them, and they somewhat accept it. Not always. Somedays it seems like they walk (or roll) in and "the fight is on baby."

There are many stories. During the day I think about what I could write but then I'm just wiped out. So if you come to my work (and I hope you don't need to) and we're busy or short or whatever, know that we care. It's a good group that is taking care of your kids. We really do like them, and I think you can see it when we interact with them.

Sleep

2008-03-03T00:28:00.000-08:00

I feel like a baby...... I've got my days and nights mixed up. I'm not sure what happened, each day it's been a different reason. I'm tired, can't sleep. I hate doing productive work when I can't sleep and there are other things I could be doing. I have a book I should be reading, it's due in two days. I have reading for work, I have reading for the kids school.

Last night I cuddled up with, oh this is sad, not my sleeping spouse, my stuffed disney animal and my ipod. The ipod is charging, I'm sick of TV, so methinks I'll break it back out in a minute.

Ideas? Thoughts? Yeah, I usually sleep when stressed, so either I'm stress free HA!!! or I don't know. Anyway, TV is dragging. Off to sleep? or at least listen to music.

How to Know they accept you........

2008-02-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

I've been at the new job a few weeks now and I do love it!!!! Kids are awesome. So one of the first things that you wonder about when you take a new job is "how will I know if they like me?" Now, I've come from a place where I believe I was fairly well know and had a good amount of friends. So I was worried about the new place.

First there was the fact that my preceptor actually let me hang around him when we were at break or lunch (he also showed me the cafeteria - which was very important). You might say that "it's his job to show you those things" and that would be true, but I've worked around some folks that weren't that kind. Then there was the gradual letting me in conversations, groups didn't break up when I got close, those things. But the big clue........ they showed me the secret bathrooms! Two of them. Yes, you might wonder at this, but these are important things to know (particularly if you have a shy elimination system). Another major clue is when they start picking on you, and of course, that is so important to me.

Today / tonight I start nights. I'm nervous, but heck, I start with a bang! It's a full moon and there's going to be an eclipse!!! How awesome is that???? I'm pumped. Well, things to do........

Happiness is......

2008-02-02T09:57:00.000-08:00

A cup of warm, smooth, hot chocolate from Starbucks on a cool day when you are cleaning house. It's in the same area as calgon, a good bottle of wine, Tootsie rolls when stressed.

As I sit here and sip on the chocolate, some of the cares of the week are melted away. Instead of the holding the baby down for the IV, I remember the 20 minutes or so of just touching the baby, calming his fears, giving him the pacifier and rejoicing in how wonderful these things are.

Simple things in life. Isn't that what makes it good. It's not the big things, it's the little things. Why do you keep going? For days I've dreamed of hot chocolate. I do wish I could like sit and read for a bit, but I'll take what I can get. Now, back to work.

Roof Fish

2008-01-27T19:04:00.000-08:00

For anyone that reads Pearls Before Swine you will know what a Roof Fish is. For those who have not been exposed, well, I am sorry, this is one of the funniest cartoons around. Anyway, the concept is that there are these two "roof fish" that are trying to catch the other characters in the strip by luring them onto fish hooks with beer, pizza, etc. That's the background.

I'm one of those females that isn't real frilly. Now, I'm all woman, let me tell you. However, some things just allude me. I've been in church things for many years, and have been able to avoid any sort of women's retreats or such things. However we are now in a very small church and I'm kinda involved with the women. Actually I'm still not sure how that happened, but I do enjoy it.

I'm known for not really listening to all the details. I frequently say that it's a bad thing if you have my full attention. So what I heard was "come at 6:30 for pizza," what was said was, "come at 6:30 for pizza and to plan the women's retreat." There is a difference, as noted by my total shock when I ended up helping to plan this event while at the same time trying to figure out a way to NOT attend. (BTW, it will be nice, with a crafty project to book). Due to my, how can I say this, underwhleming noted shock and dismay, I will be given my own special stuff (basically undecorated book - they weren't stamping things evenly and I was horrified).

I have overcome a lot, I am now at the point where every cell in my body is NOT screaming "don't go" to a mild resistance. Fortunately the leader of this has been understanding and realizes it has nothing to do with her. I think she is somewhere between amused and stumped as to why this is. If I knew, I would tell her, however I have no clue. And now to see what else is going on.

You Know It's Bad When.....

2008-01-03T19:52:00.000-08:00

You know it's bad when everyone in the room during the code stops, looks at you, and pretty much in unison say, "You need a shower!" because of what has just happened.

As it turns out, during my next to last week in my job I had an adventure. They called a code up on the floor, I run up there to find that this has just started. I was thrilled to see an old friend intubating, another friend from the rapid response team was also there. I was able to slip up close to the head in order to push drugs through the (thank you Jesus) central line and basically just be back up. There was a large group of people in the room, most of whom were just observing and being wall flowers. As things go it was a difficult intubation, this guy is very experienced, but sometimes you just have a patient that isn't in the best of condition, so to speak. This patient actually looked about 20 years older than he was, turned out he was a cancer patient. So what happened???? Well, my friend finally got the pt intubated and when he did, well, things spewed out of the tube that was pointed at me. I would say that the first shot nailed me pretty well, straight across the chest, but the follow up shot sealed it. We finished the code and I looked at the house supervisor and told her that I wanted to go home to shower, she was fine with it. EVERYONE in the room kept staring at me and mumbling things about "thanks for blocking me" or "you know there's a shower in the ER", nice supportive colleges these.

I did go home and shower. Sometimes these things basically come down to if you don't do it you will smell the stuff even if you change clothes. I feel like I'm going out with a bang but if nothing else the memories should be, well, memorial.

Policy, Folicy

2007-12-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

As previously stated, I'm leaving my current job. Because of my job position, I must give four weeks notice. Fine, no problem. I even volunteered to work through Christmas when I didn't have to. I just didn't feel right about leaving my co-workers in a jam.

There is one hitch though. They pay you for 1/2 your vacation/sick/off time that you have saved up. I need that money. But if you call in during the notice time you don't get it. I understand why that policy is in place, face it, many people would just go ahead and not work. However I rarely call in. It's been over a year since the last time. And I got sick. Sore throat, yucky pus pockets visible on my throat, snot everywhere. You would be amazed how much snot a grown woman can produce. The stuff was coming out of everywhere. Then there was the coughing, sneeezing, and sadly, yes peeing under pressure!!! It was a long two days..... one patient was healthy than I was, the other didn't care (intubated and sedated). The infectious disease guy was mumbling about using lots of alcohol wash after being around me. I thought they should have called in hazmat. I have the nicest co-workers..... the guy that came in and followed me finished up my work (at least he said he would) so I could go home. Methinks he did it to get me out so they could spray the area down. I didn't care..........

Books, Open or Otherwise

2007-12-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

The sudden desire to change jobs has caused quite an uproar amonst my friends and has led to some interesting comments. Let me give you a touch of background first: you should know that I'm in my late 40's, have only been an RN for 5 years and this was a late decision. Prior to that I had stayed home with the kids, homeschooling and well, brainwashing them. Seems I was quite successful, they are all extremely conservative. But what many do not know is that from the time I was in the 2nd grade I wanted to be an elememtary school teacher. I was three years into the program when I stopped because I was fed up with the mindset of the education people. I am pro homebirth, homeschool, and parental control. I am strong about families and children having a two parent home (okay, we all know there are some that should be split up, and I know all about abusive stuff, I'm talking about in a perfect world with semiperfect families). I believe being a daddy is the most important role a man can have and that we should help make that possible. Oh, and if I could do anything in the world for a job, I would write and edit children's books. I love their literature and will need to refresh myself with "research" for the kids on the job. You also need to know (or could be TMI) that I wear Eeyore on my stetoscope, have Eeyore undies, have Eeyore as the screen saver on my phone, Eeyore went on vacation with me, I mean, Eeyore is ever with me. When I'm stressed Eeyore snuggles with me.

So what I'm hearing at work is (well, besides abandoning my friends): you don't even like kids, I can't see you with kids, you're going to hate it...... That's the jest of what is being said. I can understand the bets on how soon before I take a parent outside and smack them, I'm in that pool.

Which now brings me to my point: we really don't know most of our friends. We only know the part of them that is presented publically. Of course, no one really knows our hearts, or if they do, it's only a small part. I suppose none of my work friends knew my past well. My new church friends don't know either of these sides, and a few of my old friends know more, but they don't know my work self.

I know I only present certain parts, I don't think I could take the review or judgement for most anyone to know all of me. Then I also realize I don't see all of them either. You see them out with their kids and it's like, amazing to see how they are different. I enjoy that part of being friends, it's like peeling back the layers.

Here's the thing, I know it's hard to let go. There is one or two I really worried about. I'm not that good, but I am dependable. I love these people dearly, and I'm thinking this is similar to what we do for our kids (or so I hear, mine are still at home) in that we have to let them go and try their wings. I'm afraid, probably more so then my friends. It's scary to change. But I have the solid roots that they are part of. And I know the friends will remain friends. Love is the stuff that keeps us togehter.

Change is in the Air

2007-11-27T07:36:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last five years in a job that I love. Maybe that's an understatement. One friend tells me (and he's a chaplain so he should know) that I have "work boundary issues." In a recent interview I stated as a strongpoint my "taking ownership" of all jobs I've worked. So it has been a huge surprise that I have announced my departure not only from my department, but also the company.

While I hope I'm not overstating my importance, I have overall been a good employee and have a wide net of aquintances thoughout the hospital. I worked in the ED while in nursing school for two years and met many people, then in my current job where I just extended the base of friendship. It was a very difficult decision to get to this place where I could leave. And I'm hoping that overall since I'm totally changing fields that it will not be seen as "abandoning" this place. I will say, overall, I would take my family there for care, and know that they will get good care.

So what happened? Where am I going? A little over a year ago it was planted in my brain about an AIDs orphange in South Africa that my son supports. I've heard of mission trips for years, even tossed about going, yet never did. I can do a lot of good by raising the funds to send those younger and in better health for that. But this stirred my heart. It's not a direct quote, but John Piper basically says that retirement isn't for us to sit around in, and that has hit a nerve. I told a friend last night, and she was like so you're going to South Africa? I don't know. What I know is that it put a desire to seek God about what should I do? Is there more to my life than just taking care of these adults?

Then came the catalyst. My beloved boss, friend, and co-worker (for she did that as well) had an opportunity that she couldn't say no to. Then she was trying to get me to go with her, and while I loved her for that, it was not something in my heart to do. But it made me consider, what do I want, where do I want to go from here? Now you must realize, I hardly ever search the want ads, throw aways all the offers to "come join our team", so I really didn't know what to do. A friend had just made the move to the ER at the local children's hospital and I began to consider that.

I applied to two jobs, one ER, one heart team. Now I love the heart, really love the heart. I could envision myself on the heart unit, but there was one huge obstacle. I would have to work weekend option and I don't want that. I applied to see how long, would it, could it work. But it would have taken a year to get off weekend option. I really, really wanted that job but it wasn't the time for that. The ER like hadn't called, so I asked while I was there. Seems I had applied for the wrong job. But we got that worked out and then they didn't call. I finally resolved to myself that I needed to make things right where I was, make sure my attitude was good and just continue until I felt God move. Then the ER called. Now, at work, on here I seem very confident, but in that first interview I was HORRIBLE. They offered me the job but not based on my personality. But when I interveiwed in the ED it was totally different. I hit it off with the lady, I was relaxed, she was able to see the real me and she still liked me. As a friend later said, It was right.

So now I have given my notice. There was some kind of glitch and I must NOW apply for the job. Normally I would freak out about that, but I'm okay. I have to give four weeks notice anyway. The plan is to start the new job in January. I'm now reviewing kidlet anatomy, diseases, and movies (must keep up with what interest them). I'm terrified, yet excited.

So ends this post and begins a new chapter.

Princess

2007-11-25T19:06:00.000-08:00

Went to see Enchanged today. Took a princess with me. See, I've always had boys, grew up around boys, never around that many girls. So this was a real treat. She's 7, carries a purse, blanket and uses her thumb. It was awesome, the movie was good too.

I'm going to have to upgrade my mental abilities with little ones with the new job. I suspect I may need to borrow the princess again for movies, I mean, how can I relate to kidlets without seeing their movies and all things relavant to their lives? I'm excited! Frankly, I'm not sure that this world of all adult stuff is that great. Adults are way to serious. Consider those around me that don't understand why Eeyore goes places with me, or the adventures he often takes. Consider those that never see the fun in the world. It's not that you ignore "real life" its that you can only survive what you overcome. I overcome with humour, with love and hopefully with kindness.

I fear the change, but then, maybe I'll drive a sword into a dragon (or bus) and maybe I could sing a note or two (yeah, right) and get the mice to clean the house. But maybe I'll sing to myself and make the cleaning pass easier. And maybe we can defeat a real dragon and make the world better for those kidlets.

If not, maybe the princess will let me borrow a corner of her blanket. I have my own thumb (or tootsie pop).

Walking Away

2007-11-15T03:31:00.000-08:00

It's a great job, I really wanted it. At this point money isn't the issue and that really played no part in my decision. But to be able to work with "slimy sacks of snot" would be so nice. Tail pullers, germ factories, nose pulling, eyeglass smearing..... how many names there are for them..... little ones, tots, peds, floor grazers. Yes, I want that. I want to work with someone that they don't have to appreciate what I do, they are the gift.

I had to walk away and say no. It was hard. Not sure I've every done it before. I had more peace about doing this than I've had in awhile. Now however, as I get ready to go to work, my stomach is churning, I'm already stressed and I haven't even dried my hair.

But I can't give up Sunday. Not now, maybe another time and place. Maybe today I'll go up to the neo-mates in my hospital and see them. Touching would be wonderful. Bablies are so healing, even the snotty ones.

The tears are coming again, hopefully cleansing. My thoughts need purification towards my current work and co-workers, okay, the administrative team more than anyone. Need to reread James 3, master the tongue and the thought. No problem, should be a snap!

Have a good one, pray that somewhere today I can see one of the babies, touching would be nice.

Best Story Ever

2007-11-09T18:25:00.000-08:00

There is one thing about medicine, it's hard to make up some of the things that we see. So I will tell you one of the best stories ever!!! Think about sudden cardiac arrest, that kills a fair number of people in the US. Here are the important things to remember: sudden death.

So here you are, you wake up, not feeling so good, you want to call into work, but your spouse won't let you. You go in, it's a good job, one in which you get to help a lot of people, in fact you are a dispatcher for the ambulance company in a moderate sized city. Actually, you are also a paramedic. So you're sitting at your desk, on the radio when...... nothing..... fortunately for you, your coworker sees you fall over, immedately starts CPR, a couple of other coworkers come in because they were bringing back an AED that had just been serviced. That AED is now being used on you! They toss you in the ambulance, take you to the ER, where you are intubated, taken to the cath lab and the vessels are fixed. The time here is impressive, we all know you. In the unit you are well cared for and even though you are in cardiogenic shock there was a wonderful outcome and a few days later you are sitting in the cafeteria eating the yucky food.

This is what AED's are made for. It was cool. I love my job.

Hang On!!!

2007-10-17T17:16:00.001-07:00

They said, "Hang on, it will get better!" We did, and it almost did. They said we would get staff, they said that they would help us, they even said they would put on uniforms and help us. Who in the hell are they, cause they didn't show up, neither did they help, neither did more staff (okay, technically we got some new ones but then some good ones left).

Vacation didn't help, oh, and I haven't even been back to work yet. I got calls on vacation, which I didn't mind, but I worry so about my friends on staff. I hadn't been off the plane 12 hours before I got the first call to come in. This wasn't one of those where they called just to see, there was pressure involved. Today I got the 3rd resignation, from a friend. He even called me at home and told me, which I am so grateful for. Actually I knew he would go, I was just hoping it would take a while before it happened. But then, I think that it was the best decision for him.

Our supervisior has only been gone 1.5 weeks and we are a mess. I'm sick at my stomach, angry (remember, I haven't worked yet). I guess I wonder, how much more are they going to hit us with? And do I need to go ahead and get my resume together, actually it wouldn't hurt to brush it off, I tend to piss off those over my head so I may be on the hit list as well.

I loved my job, I love my friends, I love the unit, but I'm afraid. (for those that work with me, I'm having a faithless moment - it will be okay). And there is the rub. This hospital is not my source. Again, this hospital is not my source. It is a paycheck. My heart is for the patient, and I get frustrated when I see things hinder patient care. But then, there are problems at every other hospital in town, just maybe not the same ones I see. As the ex-boss would say, "this too will pass..." Please, soon.

Vacation and Change

2007-10-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

Sunday we leave for vacation. I need it. Between PMS and my boss, who has been the best boss I have ever had, leaving I'm in a mess. I've worked for her for a little over 5 years. We are friends, not just at work, but friends. The only thing I've never really clued her in on is this blog. Otherwise, we're fairly open with things (wonder if she has one that talks about us, hmmm). Anyway, she got a promotion. A co-worker put it like this, "I love you_____ but I'm mad at you right now." I have worked myself into being sick over it. We are excited for her, this is an opportunity that is just unreal. But again, we are very grieved. At this time we don't know who will take her place, there is one that would probably be very good, keep the best of our unit and make some changes that would be positive. Otherwise, I worry.

So, is it a time for a change? Job or even place of employment? I hear things that make me wonder about the ability of this place to continue to function as is. But then, we are a major player in the state. Happiness comes from within, and I am content within. But the questions are still there. Where can I have a positive impact and do the best for my family as well. My hospital doesn't pay as well as others, but money isn't everything. I am very sure that the hospital isn't my source. Things to ponder.

We are going to San Francisco and the surrounding area. I should be wonderful. Neither of us have ever been there. I have drugs for the flight (the noise on the plance bothers me, as do people sitting by me, as do close quarters), books and my iPod. Anyway, I have a trip to plan. I will be checking here so any thoughts are welcome.

Death

2007-09-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

What is it that you see in their eyes as they are about to die? I can't explain it. We had a lady die today that had been moved to the unit because she wasn't doing well. Three hours later she was made a no code. I was called into the room by the other nurses to help out. We did various things for a few minutes but as I was watching her I was still aware that her skin color was mottled around her neck. I found out that she had a PE and probably several. She bacame very short of breath and we were considering intubation when the doctor talked to the husband and they made the decision not to procede.

But as she lay there, she looked me in the eyes as I was stroking her face. I asked, "Are you in pain?" and she tried to tell me something, but it was the eyes. I still don't know what I saw. It will haunt me. We did bring her husband in and she died holding his hand.

I did tear, almost cry. Maybe I did cry. I don't know. I've seen this so many times, yet it always amazes me when you see the moment that they change spheres. I think it makes me less afraid. But the connection is so awesome between us at that moment.

Maybe I'll go to bed.

Overheard with regards to Fat Doctor

2007-09-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

Do you know how much this weights?" Pt's mom to my boss, while looking at a 5# weight holding pressure on the pt.

Hmmmmm maybe 5 pounds.......

Sadly, mom fired me from the case, but in the same complaint she mentioned that they shouldn't allow all the nurses to change shifts all at once...... Yeah, we should trickle in ovrer a few hours....... good one that.

New Things

2007-09-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well, the Eagles said it best, they would reunite when Hell freezes over, hence the name of the return alblum. So we said about being part of a church that was just starting up, never again!! Yet, you feel a breeze here??? The church we had been attending fell apart earlier this year. There are still some people attending but it will never be the same. There are many things that could be said about it, but I've said a lot previously and there are people there that I still care about and I don't want to hurt them with anything that I might say that would offend them.

But the new thing, it's been fun. What!! Church fun! Yes, it's not all gnashing of teeth and naysaying. When you have a heart to love one another, to build up one another, it can be fun. Sure there will come a day when fun things aren't done, but for now we are enjoying one another and rejoicing in the freedom of Christ. It's a mix of people (a very small group - had it been a church split we would have more people) which I find encouraging.

So I hope this is a good thing. I hope we have as good of reception in this town as the Eagles did when they returned. Alas, I shan't hold my breath on that one, but you can always hope. I have hope again that I can look forward to going to church and survive. If this folds at some point, I can honestly say that I gave my all to it and trust that God is looking out for me.

Socially Acceptable

2007-09-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

You ever watch a little kid that sucks their thumb and holds a blanket? Don't they look peaceful? Methinks I would very much right now like a blankey (or Eeyore with a detachable tail), lay on my tummy with my butt up in the air, and do the thumb thing. It was a horrible day and I don't want to go back.... ever would be fine.

Methinks it's not okay to tell the family that "if you really think I'm giving *&%$$# care then maybe you should come up here and check on it yourself!"

And I'm really trying to work on not using bad language, but when I was giving report to the floor today it just oozed out, not about the pt, it was that the "pink sheet" only I didn't say sheet, I replaced the double ee's with an i. A couple of nurses almost fell out laughing. Then walking across the floor my crocs did the normal tripping me thing.......

The day went downhill from there. I can't describe it all. Okay, maybe a little more for your consideration. I took my pt up to the floor, while tucking her in the bed I heard the staff in the room across the hall start yelling for help. Maybe I should mention that I'm on the code team when I'm charge, anyway, at least I didn't have to run. I was there, start to finish. Anyway, the woman didn't do too bad, we intubated and sent her to a unit. The timing was great.

Have I mentioned that I don't, do not, want to go back tomorrow. Maybe they will let me work in the ER. I'll die of overwork, but at least they won't yell at me like my staff did today. Wait, no complaining. Off to bed, maybe watching Monk will help. Night.

Encouraging Words

2007-09-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Our census is low. Very Low. Staff was worried.

"They will come, they will come
The snot will flow and they will come."

or when asked where all our patients were....

"they are at home resting up for their heart attacks
and distress"

If we are patient, they will come and be our patients.......

Us or Them

2007-09-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

We've had a pt in the unit for several months now, he has been a good patient, however as it sometimes happens, we can't fix everything. The wife reminded me today, I was there the day he came in, that he shouldn't have survived the first day. That he has made it this long is either a testament to stubborness or tenancity. I'm not sure if it was good or bad.

He died at shift change.

The family was going to let him go tomorow, but sometimes God allows us to not make the decision. I really don't know that his wife could have handled it. I'm thankful that she doesn't have to walk down that road. Funny, we were going to call her and tell her that we were worried when she wasn't there today, and she walked in as the nurse was calling her cell phone. We all hugged her, we knew the time was coming, just not sure when. The nurses were at the bedside, day shift and night shift together to bid him farewell and to go on. We all knew that it would be better for him, all that met this man knew he was a special person. I'm proud to have cared for him and the family.

As the wife hugged me, it hit me: are we comforting them, or they us?

"I Used To Do Drugs, I Still Do, But I Used To Too"

2007-08-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

However, these days the drugs are Maalox, Crestor, and Metformin. Mitch Hedberg is one of the funniest comics I've ever heard. Sadly, he died a few months ago, heart condition. Mitch is not for the ones with virgin ears, he comes out of the drug culture, similar to how I feel about Cheech and Chong.

Last weekend I watch a bunch of stuff on TV about rock culture and the drug years of the 60's and 70's. I found that it brought back memories and feelings that I would rather not be reminded of. At my advanced age, I probably dwell to much on what might have been. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people. There are days I would love to sit in a dark room, drink Crown and listen to Pink Floyd or Clapton doing the blues. Then there are the days that I am devoted to reading the Bible and music that is along that genre. Can the two co-habitate? Methinks yes, but then I feel guilty about that. But then, by the time I went and bought the crown and found the CD the mood would probably pass, and finding a quite place in the house is almost nonexistant. Oh well. I could eat Ben and Jerry's and stare at the fish......... Almost the same effect and about the same level of sin for me. (not the fish, the ice cream)

Thinking of the fish, maybe I'm like my neons, one of them is always away from the others... did they push him away, is he thinking, does he want to be friends with the angel tetras? So many things to wonder.

Diversity

2007-08-25T18:51:00.001-07:00

Went to a Hispanic grocery store today. Methinks I was the only caucasian in the place. It was most interesting, beautiful layout, the various rows of peppers, vegatables, bins of beans. It was very interesting. As I walked the aisles I remembered once when my youngest was a newborn. I had signed my other boys up for swimming lessons at the only place I could really afford at the time. It was at an inner city YMCA. We were the only white people there and all the little girls would come up to the baby and want to touch him. It was really sweet. Once I asked the three year old if he noticed anything different about his instructor (I was actually inquiring about his name "Boo") but I was pleased that his answer was that Boo's swimming suit was green.

Alas, I didn't buy much there. I realized (yeah, it was my inner blond coming out) that I wasn't finding what I wanted to cook for my stirfry at the hispanic store. I just chalked this one up to exploration, but I know where to find the best peppers in town.

Duh

2007-08-22T20:16:00.001-07:00

Prior to giving a shot to a twenty year old: You gonna stab me with that!!!!!

Dumb look on my face: Yeah.

Aren't you gonna push it in slow???

Flat expression: I can, but it will hurt a whole lot more.

I.... I ..... I guess let me look away before you stab me.

Sadly enough, I did stab her (so to speak) and she basically didn't feel it. It was only a tetnus shot, nothing like an antibiotic that actually would hurt. Good Grief, get out of my ER.

Joy

2007-08-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

Thanks Fat Doctor for sharing this. After a hard day at work (or whereever) this is good.

The Waiting Room

2007-08-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

Had to go to the breast surgeon today. The year after my mother died I had my baseline mammogram which showed a lump. This was properly disposed of a month later (Christmas holidays were rough that year) with a laser procedure. I now have yearly checkups with him. The funny thing with this doc is the routine: hug, grope, grope, hug. Now the grope is a very professional grope, he is well respected but if you have my sense of humour, well, what can I say. (All was well, by the well, same time next year).

I watch people: the waiting room had a mix of folks: those like me, by themselves, confident everything is fine; those with several support people that you know are not calm about this visit, and those kinda in between - scared but alone or not alone but maybe doing okay.

Waiting rooms are tense places, when I walk through the waiting room early in the morning to say hello to the guest reps the families look up but pay no mind. They know with my backpack on that I'm just another person. Later, should I walk out there, all eyes are on me. They look afraid: who will she pick? is it bad? Reminds me of the herd of animals with the lion picking one out. The other animals are running, no one stands by the one picked out. You feel the eyes on you, they all watch, even if they know they have never seen me in the unit they are in, they all watch.

I've forgotten about it before and gone out to see someone I knew, but not well. They were afraid when I came out and I forgot to ease the tension (family had no idea) until a few minutes passed. I felt bad. Anyway, interesting to watch.

The Party

2007-08-04T18:53:00.000-07:00

Went to a surprise party tonight, the guy was actually surprised! It was a lot of the people from the church, whatever our church is now. One of my favourite things is watching people, and watching the other people watchers in the group. Example, the host of the group watches from across the room, and I loved watching his reactions to the folks. It was quite a mix of folks, and they know about the blog so this could be interesting.

The seniors that aren't that senior. Agewise, maybe, but I don't really see a seperation in us. They have more life experience, and when the karoke machine came out they went with a different group of songs (Beautiful Doll, When the Saints Go Marching In). But they sang early on and laughed at it and at us. The church had really been blessed with an awesome group of older folks, some of the ones I knew better have gone on to be with Jesus, and I wonder often had some of them been here if the church would have had some of the problems it does. I don't think so. Anyway, this is a fun lot that can teach us a lot.

The mids: I think that's me and a few others. One is particuarly interesting to me: she is surrounded by males, and she looks like she should have had girls to be on her side. At times she seems frail yet she keeps them in line. I actually came to know her more because her father, like mine, died in the unit I work in. I forget that at times when I laugh about being the angel of death, or at some of the things, but I think I did her right when her dad was a patient. This group has people that are serious about following the Lord and about doing things right. Yet they can have fun in a good way.

This group, including the ones that weren't there tonight, has come together out of necessity. They have quickly merged into people of action. I'm interested to see how this will work out. I hope that the relationships will last though.

Kids!!!

2007-08-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

Don't ya love them??? Continuing sources of entertainment. My guys are 23, 20, and 17. All boys, all boy. I have found that if I just stay around them, hanging, I learn more about my kids than I could any other way. Picture this, one border collie being held facing forward by one boy, another tossing the ball to the dog for her to catch. Another is discussing why they should get a penguin as opposed to a weasel. I'm in shock at this point. Then they talk about how they could put a shark in my new aquarium to eat my tetras...... oh yeah, just kidding mom.

I'm talking about painting the house, they don't care what colour I paint their rooms, one just points at the colour chart while not looking! I don't get it..... They just want it done quickly so I'm not in their way.

I also was listening to them describe homeschool to someone. Basically they focused on how the youngest one always has one of the animals in his possession during school. The dog "answers" the questions the cat is usually forced to dance around. Could explain why the cat is so unhappy during the school year.

And yet I know I will miss them when they move out.

The Restaurant

2007-07-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the drug company I was allowed in one of the better restaurants in my town. And let me say, I do thank them. The thing is, the owner of the restaurant grows the greens for his salads. What I don't understand is, why do we now leave the stems on the ends of the green things? And why am I eating stuff that reminds me of what I used to throw away out of the garden and eat out of the yard (haven't mentioned my fixation on imitating the horse, have I??) It was rather embarassing having the green stems hang out of my mouth while sipping on the very fine wine. And I wonder why my boss rarely takes me anywhere!!

It was fun, I appreciated learning the differences between cardene and nipride, both of which I am very comfortable with. But remember, I'm the one that thrives on adrenaline. I do enjoy these dinners the speaker though made one false statement that all the ICU nurses corrected him on: patients can live forever in the ICU, we all know the stories.

On that note, my "friend" that I also precepted in the unit was delighting the aides today with stories of my disasters. I had forgotten some of them, but it was fun hearing her perspective on those things. Okay, a quickie: one of her first days in the unit, code was called, doc was in the room with our pt (we hadn't even seen the pt yet - first thing in the morning), we go to the code...... as we are bringing the code pt down to the unit they call a code in our unit. I walk in, it's MY patient. Seems the doc let him get up to go to the bathroom and he suddenly didn't feel well, they got him back in bed and that was pretty much all hey could do. The family had all gone home, they had been there all night and he was fine. Rather awkward moment explaining that one.

Another day tomorrow.........

Ode to Movie Popcorn

2007-07-16T19:16:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: I am NOT a poet, my favourite poet is Ogden Nash. Please lower your expectations here.

Ode to Movie Popcorn

How I love you,
dare I say, let me count the ways.
You bid to me as I dream of the movie
You call out to me as none at home can do.

You are drenched in petroleum products
called "butter"
You harden my arteries as you encircle
my circulatory system.

Yet I cannot resist,
at times I flock to the cinema
only for you do I seek.
Nay, not the flick.

You say, why oh why do you partake?
Heck if I know, but I must.
Even now, I am not sated (hope this is the right use of the word??)
You call, you call, you call.

*this is probably going to be revisited, but I had to start somewhere.

Friday the 13th

2007-07-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, anyone that works in an ER or area like that knows that we are a superstitous lot. You never erase the last name on the board, you NEVER say "it's quite in here", in fact we get worried and call it the "q" word, lots of things like that. In my unit, in fact lots of people at this hospital (we have around 700 beds) they know me as the"angel". I have never done anything to cause it, it's just there are some people that seem to be the one that is there when things go badly. I'm always cautious about it lest people misunderstand.

Today, I was charge. We have a 20 bed unit, I had two patients (our normal load per nurse). The charge nurse is also lead on the code team for the hospital. Everything was somewhat decent this morning, I even got LUNCH!! Then, well, CODE BLUE so I ran to it. Took awhile to deal with it, transferred the pt to another unit, went back to mine. While I was out they filled my empty bed with a "great charge nurse patient." Pt in their 30's had some heart valve issues, just here to be watched a little closer. You know, just in case. While I was gone they even bathed her (my unit is awesome - I will brag on them anytime, anyplace). So anyway..... my perfect charge nurse patient didn't understand the rules, my rules...... she came down on 1.5 liters O2, decompensated over about 30-45 minutes, was intubated, PEA (ran a code), we placed an art line, neo, dopamine, NS bolus, then the big one, a balloon pump!

I'm still in shock. One of the nurses today is an instructor, she and I reviewed what had happened. Had I missed something? Should I have intubated sooner? We intubated before she gave out, I had drugs being mixed from pharmacy before I had orders so when the doc called back I could be ready right then, I was trying to beat the bad stuff..... I even had the crash cart next to her room to ward off the evil spirits..... No one felt like I missed anything and I really don't either. It's just reviewing how fast our patients can go bad. Had she remained on the floor I really think she would have died. Those nurses are good, but it happened too fast for them to be able to do everything we did. Again, and none of them will read this, well one will, the nurses around me were doing all the work, I was directing some and pacing a lot (phone calls to docs), running and fetching, scribbling notes so I could remember what in the heck happened.

I left work at 8:50, I was supposed to be off at 7p. The patient was stable when I left, the other code patient was alive as well. Maybe it wasn't a bad day after all.

Kindness

2007-07-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

Funny, I just read what I wrote about the ER, how nervous I was. It went fine by the way. But it has brought to mind how much culture difference between ER and the unit I work in. I hope that it's more the whole rest of the hospital, but anyway, you'll see what I mean.

Monday was a very rainy day.... accidents happen. A family was traveling through our town from out of state, no family here. They were involved in an accident, I don't know who's fault, I heard hydroplaning, but it's not important to the story. There were four people in the car: dad, mom, two kids. Dad was seriously injured, difficult extracation, head injury, at some point was intubated. Mom and kids were brought out my hospital, dad to another. For those that don't work in ER, the decision was based this way: dad needed serious care, we could provide that but we could only take so many victims at once. Mom and kids needed to be seen, there was great potential for serious injury. Normally kids would have gone to the local childrens hospital, but mom couldn't be treated there and they didn't want to split mom and kids up. The place dad was taken would have probably sent kids to children's, so mom and kids to us, we can do care for all.

Now, mom and kids turned out fine. Picture yourself in mom's place. One kid, the youngest was placed in the same bay as mom, the older taken to a different room. She knew spouse was hurt, but not with us. She couldn't see older kid. She was stressed. It was difficult. We were able to work them through at a decent time (even with me being slow).

I called the other hospital to see how dad was, it wasn't good: that was when I got the story about head injiury, nonresponsive, on vent with chest tubes, broken bones, etc. I went to mom, told her that he was in good hands, but very serious. I called the chaplain and had him come. We arranged for cabfare to the other hospital and chaplain called over to their chaplain for follow up. So far, not bad. Here's the rub.

Mom had glass all over her, mom had all the luggage. She asked if there was a place where she could shower. There was in the main part of the hospital. The ER charge nurse had a fit about me wanting to let her do it, even though I could "free" up the room she was in and it would require nothing of staff. We allow families to use these facilities for people that have to stay in the critical care waiting areas. I was horrified by the reaction I got. I had no idea if mom could do that at the other place, I don't know what they offer. I have no clue what kind of finances they had.

Maybe it's the thought, "what if it were me?" This is beginning to be a real source of action for me. Today I was trying to catch up on stuff, people needed me here and there. A call light was going off and the pt kept saying, "nurse, nurse, something is wrong here." I wanted to blow it off so bad, find HER nurse and let them deal with it. Finally I went in, and her IV had horribly infiltrated and the meds were burning her skin. I felt maybe an inch tall, I know that hurt her. What if I was the one needing the pain medicine or the drink or whatever..... I fail so often, yet when I want something I want others to do it NOW.

So I listen to others (and myself too often) joke and carry on, or make fun of things, or say: they really don't need that. Then I wonder, what if it were me in there.... I hope I don't get paid back for all the stuff I've done. I really hope that I become the person that responds rightly to others. But then too often I'm more like today when I suggested if only we could get the guy in the room with a fly (yes, a fly) to think he was hallucinating the fly, then he would shut up.......

2007-07-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

Isn't it interesting what your children think of you. The other night my oldest called me as I was about to leave work. A 12 year old son of someone from the church had been skateboarding down a hill, fell and was coming to the ER at my hospital. Could I go check on him?

Got to the ER, they were just checking in, dad, kid and another teen that drove them. Kid looked bad, no kidding. My thoughts had been I would go down there, kid would have a "pumpknot" and overreacting parents. Kid was pale, had been combative, said over and over he couldn't see, bucket in lap (he was about to barf) and again, he looked bad.

I went to the back, asked the charge nurse if they were going to get him back soon, that he didn't look good (please note, I work some in this ER, I know them and knew he would be upfront with me). Seems they had just gotten multiple ambulances in and there were no open rooms. I offered that maybe we should take kid to the children's hospital that was about 10 minutes away, charge nurse thought that would be a good idea.

Normally I would not like this, kid is here, needs to be seen soon. However our children's hospital is top notch and I felt like he would be more appropriately treated there (more than likely in hindsight - my hospital would have diagnosed him and transferred to the kid's hospital anyway). I rode with the kid to the other hospital, I was quite worried about him and hoped that if something happened maybe I could be useful.

We got to the ER, kid started vomiting as soon as we rolled in. You look at lay people in these situations and how they react and how we react. Dad had kid in the men's bathroom before I could stop him, he suddenly ran out and told me kid was barfing...... okay, I ran in and was like, get him in the wheelchair. Dad told me we needed to clean up the mess, I went out and told security that I needed towels, methinks dad probably couldn't carry kid over it without falling. I thew towels down, kid in wheelchair and got out of there.

While they were triaging kid, dad kept getting flustered and I would answer.... I noticed then that there were several notations "mom states...." I figured it was easier to let it go than to clarify. The staff there was wonderful, I was quite proud of them.

As it turns out, kid fractured his skull and was admitted to ICU. This was Thursday, today I heard he is still in the hospital, having trouble keeping food down.

I told my son that I appreciated him calling me, I think they would have stayed at my hospital until seen and it was better that I pushed to move him. While there were downsides to moving him (again, normally I would not do that) it was better for this situation. My son also went to the hospital to see them and be available if needed to help. It's interesting to see how compassionate he is towards others. I wish I could say that my hospital is always the best, but I do so appreciate knowing that they will tell me when I need other help. Oh, and I work in that ER Monday.

Irony

2007-06-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

Even "funnier (so to speak)..... I got a ticket last week. Yes, I moaned about it to both guys while admitting I deserved the ticket I did gripe that there was no probation offered by that judge. This is while we were traveling to another part of the state. Yes, I was speeding. Yes, I deserved it..... but rats, I was trying to get away from a group of trucks. Makes no difference, I'm sure they get sick of hearing excuses so I basically didn't offer one when I was stopped. It just reminds me of when patients hit their call light to get you to come into the room when they can see you looking at them and they could just wave you in (yeah, a lady came out to the desk today - the glassed ICU room was facing me, the pt told her to come back in he would just hit the call light even though she was at my desk asking me a question I would need the chart for the answer). Sorry, I digress...... Anyway, whining should only be for fun, never serious.

Anyway..... I loved the irony and I enjoyed the patients.

Time

2007-06-26T07:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in awhile, life has been getting in the way. Nothing special, just stuff. Maybe it's being out of the daily routine, not doing school with the kid. Maybe it's just being tired.

Had to take spouse to a larger city for a checkup on his eye. He has, this is what the doc calls it, a mole on the edge of the cornea. We go once a year to make sure that it doesn't grow. This particular day spouse was not feeling well so I drove. Unfortnately we had to make an unscheduled stop to met one of our fine state troopers. Unstead of pointing to the specimen in the back seat and saying I was on my way to a specialist (he looked dead) I just made no excuse at all. I figure these guys are as sick of whiners as I get. It will cost me $130, some pride, oh, and the judge doesn't offer probation, nor do they take personal checks. So it goes on my beautiful record.

Lately I've been pondering my life and what if I had been raised here or there or done this or that. I'm late 40's, I think this is natural. I'm not unhappy with my life, just wonder. Then I wonder if when we are in heaven if we get to enjoy things maybe we didn't here. Unending Ben and Jerry's without weight gain, riding horses across the prairie, just stuff....... Is it foolish to consider these things? I mean, I'm all for unending praise of Jesus around the throne, don't get me wrong, and I suppose we won't even think about such things, but I wonder. Oh foolish me. Oh well. Off to met more state troopers, #3 son needs his drivers license and we must go to their hidey hole. Yesterday they were pissed off, maybe today will be better.

Reports of My Death Are Only Hopeful

2007-06-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not dead. I'm tired. I haven't been reading any blogs much, I haven't had energy to think about what is going on around me. I had hoped today to play catch up, but alas, life caught up. I probably should have done this last night when I wasn't sleeping, but I was too busy focusing on stuff that I can't control. So, needless to say nothing has been writen.

I will say, I am still stunned from hearing a patients father tell me (and administration when he complained about me) that he didn't care what we (oh, said this to the doctor that told him we wanted his daughter sedated) that if he "wanted to wake her up he would, and it didn't matter if it was not in her best interest!" I was also instructed in new tattoo care.

When you get in situations, you have to seperate the patient from the family. I liked the patient, of course, I like most people when they are properly sedated with ativan, versed, haldol, or geodon.

I'm going to now carry my anemic blood, my ear with the effusion (oh, I had a checkup today), and my tired booty to bed. I have to work tomorrow and I expect someone will expect me to actually earn my money. I will have a lot to say when I finally sit down and sort it out.

Overheard

2007-06-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

Picture this: Intensive Care Unit. Patient in bed...... screaming:

CODE BLUE!!!

CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!

Over and Over.......

Families think we don't care as we call out to her: "Stop!! You're upsetting the other patients!!"

Have I mentioned I love Haldol and Geodon????

Celebration

2007-05-29T20:38:00.001-07:00

The fact is, our boys are growing up. The oldest son's best friend got married this weekend. Graduated college, and now married. It won't be long until the groom is one of mine. ***sigh***

The bride was delightful, family was awesome. We had to go out of town for the wedding and were able to stay onsight at the colleg campus. The grooms family has had a tough year and friends came to show support and celebrate. It was great!!

Isn't it wonderful when we come together, love one another and rejoice!! This family has been close to us since the oldest boys were toddlers. They have celebrated everything together and I'm so excited that we were able to partake.

The Funeral

2007-05-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

I got a message from a friend last week, her mother had become ill suddenly and passed away. I was stunned, the first I heard of it and it was over. I initially thought that I had missed everything, but then began to realize that the funeral had not happened. The morning of the funeral I realized that as I was typing a letter to her about how hard it was for me when my dad died, and how lonely you feel in the midst of the people, that I could tell her this in person.

The thing is, you couldn't just up and go, this place was a couple of hours away. But when I thought about completing the letter about how I understood what she was going though, I realized I could hug her instead. The drive was good, I had time to reflect on many things. It was one of those where you drive like crazy on the interstate, then you get to drive in the country. This state, in late spring, is beautiful. Yeah, what a sacrifice: I got to be away from town, alone.

One thing people don't know how to do is to just be. It's a helping word: be. Sometimes there are no words, you just are there. I had no great thoughts for my friend, I'm not "puffing" myself up. I remembered the pain when my parents died, and I came. If there was wisdom to impart, others did it. I just wanted to be there for her.

This woman died in the house she was born in, she decorated the cemetry before she died. She raised wonderful children and was keeping her grandson while her son was in Iraq. She had a faithful old dog that will be lost without her. Moments of wandering around, there is a river that flows behind her home, one that is popular with canoeist. It was a simple funeral, yet it spoke volumes. I never met her, but I would have been honoured to call her a friend. I wish I could effectively describe what I felt, but words limit me. There was a certain amount of mourning, because she will be missed, but it was a celebration of a life that was not wasted.

Maybe that's it...... a life that was not wasted. How much time do we waste, but what is wasted time? Is it a waste to sit and read, to enjoy just "being" with someone and not doing? Is it a waste if you don't solve the worlds problems, but you are faithful to the people around you? Is it a waste to live a simple life, one that surely Hollywood would make fun of, yet you have a simple faith that God is eternal and we are not?

I envy those that can do that. Can realize we are not to waste what God has given us. To enjoy the time together, to enrich our minds and souls, to give to others as we have been given. To be forgiven, to forgive, to love, to be loved.

I suspect this kind lady is in heaven, enjoying the presence of God and seeing the tears wept in her honour. She probably wonders why they cry for her, but she has surely shed tears as they do.

Rest now my friend, this is your legacy. And I thank you that you allowed me to come and see this part of your life. Don't hide what and who you are. I know you were surprised by my presence, but you would have surely come for me. You were taught by your mom friendship, and this is who you are. Friends love each other, they can just "be" there, and when you need to safely cry, now or in a year, I'll be there if you need me. Funny thing, you accepted me at a time when I was weak and loved me, and should you need me, I'll be there for you. Go sit at the river, think eternal, and know you are loved.

Pearls.......

2007-05-21T18:24:00.001-07:00

I'm putting the following link here, what I'm requesting is that you pick the character from Pearls that best suits you, BUT that you also pick the character that best suits me.

http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/html/cast_PearlSwine.html

I can't wait.........

Drama

2007-05-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

This last week has been interesting. Work was, well, fascinating. We weren't that busy for once, and well, the nurses and staff had spring fever. I wear a stuffed figure of a character on my stetoscope, they keep stealing it. They were hilarious. We actually got to destress. Nice, probably won't happen again in a long time. Even the docs were pulling jokes on each other.

Okay, I must tell. Once there was a surgeon that was asked to help do a trach. I won't say at what level training he was to protect his innocence. So the pulmonologist, the RT and the surgeon are at the bedside ready to start when the surgeon whips out instructions. Well, see one, do one, teach one........

Recently same pulmonologist and RT are getting ready to do a trach, surgeon (a well trained surgeon that has a great sense of humour) pulls out instructions from his pocket. Pulmonologist screams..... "YOU!!!" at the RT who is rollong over laughing. Pulmonologist is now seeking revenge........

On another note, stress has been high at the church, but I think we are on the down side of it now. Okay, we are leaving, now sheeps without a pastor. But so much good has come from it that I believe God will redeem the day.

And I want to thank my blogging buddies here, it's nice to know that our hearts touch even when we don't know each other. I hear "Fiddler on the Roof" so I'm out of here.......

Super Villian

2007-05-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

I took a Super Villian quiz for a friend of mine. I'm not into these things, but I did find the questions interesting. I didn't realize "motherly" would be a question. I think I can understand most of the answers. So, here it is.

You are Mr. FreezeMr. Freeze
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
68%
The Joker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
67%
Dr. Doom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
67%
Riddler
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
64%
Lex Luthor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52%
Two-Face
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52%
Venom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
51%
Poison Ivy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50%
Apocalypse
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46%
Juggernaut
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44%
Dark Phoenix
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44%
Magneto
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39%
Catwoman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37%
Mystique
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36%
Kingpin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33%
Green Goblin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28%
You are cold and you think everyone else should be also, literally.

Ouch

2007-05-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

I've been busy with real life lately and haven't written much or read much on the blogs. Much to my surprise, I went to Fat Doctor's blog today to find out that she is closed down. Seems a co-worker buster her out to the boss. The boss was fine about it, but it really bites. I guess for FD it was much like having your diary read over the loudspeaker.

So many people are amazed that we blog. What do you say? What if your boss finds out? What if a patient recognizes themselves? First of all, you would have to be more paranoid than I am to recognize yourself. Seriously, of all the people in the blogging world do you think you are special enough to make the interesting stuff you read on here? Come on.... and then you have to realize that so much is embellished to make it interesting, well, Jerry Springer has some openings.

My boss..... she wouldn't be happy, but methinks she would get over it. I think too that she recognizes creative writing. However, I don't want to push it. I do love my job.

I'm sorry FD, I really am. You have shared so much with us, we've walked down many things with you. I'm still touched by the death of one of the bloggers, I never knew her, but yet, I did. Somewhat better than some folks I see on a regular basis. Why is that? Because she opened up her thoughts for us to see, something we don't trust those close to us to do.

Alas, real life calls. I have much to do before going to throw myself before the patients and families tomorrow. See if I have any sanity left.

Patient Wisdom

2007-05-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

I love patients, they have such "interesting" tidbits. Today I was informed that putting a rubber band in the patients hair will induce seizures.

There are days that the families help us do our jobs, they tell us how to give the meds, they tell us how to pull up the patient in the bed. They help us manage our time, because we so often sit around and do nothing (this is usually when at 5pm I'm writing my 9am assessment that I couldn't write because I was bathing the pt and giving meds, talking to the doctor about what we need or what has happened, u know.

I remember my mom was worried about me reaching over my head when I was pregnant because I might strangle the baby. But then, I freaked out when I ran into an electric fence because I was afraid I might electricute the baby. Ah, the days of going to the family doctor with the baby and asking if having the car windows down were the reason he had ear infections. He was sooooo patient with me.

We learn, we grow, we teach. Of course, we snicker behind the closed doors....

Is It Obsessive?

2007-05-05T03:59:00.000-07:00

If you wake up at 12:45 am and call work about something you forgot to do, is that too obsessive?

That was the second phone call. Some have called me "work boundary challenged." Can I charge them for that time? Oh dear.

She Knows It's Coming

2007-04-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I show up for work in the ICU Thursday.... my orientee is sitting in a chair. Ha you say, so..... So this gal never sits, she is usually 30 minutes early for work, has report underway, makes me look terrible all the time. So I'm thinking, what's wrong......

We start report. Now, I'm not the most observant person in the unit, but I could even tell Zippy ain't feeling so good. First clue, she can't finish a sentence without having to stop for a breath (and when the sentence is "No, I'll stay." it isn't a good sign). Second clue, I've seen pt's that have better colour than she had (you can include 1/2 dead pts in that), third, my co-workers all said she was sick.

Give her credit, Zippy was determined to work!! She refused to go the ER, she said she couldn't drive home, she was gonna work. We had a balloon pump pt and something else, nothing serious. I kept telling her that it was fine for her to stay, when she passed out we could do anything we wanted (the chaplain later told me that this statement was pivotal in her relenting to care while she could control some of it). When she was trying to give the 9am meds and couldn't get the meds down the NG tube and realized that someone would have to help with that - she thought it was stopped up, reality was she was too weak to push the meds, it flushed easily with the healthy nurse. She finally said that maybe she would go to the ER. I knew there was no way this gal was going in a wheelchair, but her audible wheezes were unnerving to me as we walked down to the ER (yeah, not very observant, I didn't hear them with all the racket in the unit, in the hallway, oh my!) And of course, she was breathing 37 times a minute.

I also work in the ER pool, so I was hoping that would speed things up for us, alas, not to be. We got back rather quickly but getting respiratory was a little slow. I went back and forth (I was charge in our unit, hated to be gone long) and Zippy was in good hands. However after her 1 hour updraft and CXR her sat on room air was 85%. I suggested maybe O2 would be in order, but didn't put it on in case they wanted gasses. Epi and steroids were given, and she ended up on 40% veni mask. Long story short(er), she got admitted to ICU for bilateral PE's (blood clots). Two days later she is doing much better, I did manage to care for HER patients without killing any of them, and she is ALMOST cooperating with her care.

I can't tell you how scared I was. We lost a blogger in the fall to this, of course I've seen pts die with it, one of our nurses mom died with one (sorry babe - I know it still hurts and I know you were very scared), and I'm quite attached to the girl. I'm hoping that Zippy will take this serious, will actually cooperate with the docs (we did hand pick them), and will heal quickly. After all, I am having to do my own work, God save the patients!!!!