The Wedding

It was a small wedding, not fancy, but very sweet. One of my co-workers that I have been blessed to have as a friend, her daughter was getting married. Now, I must confess I look at most situations I find myself in for the humour that I might pull out. So I was seeking a good time.

My role was to be the person that did "whatever needs to be done" or otherwise unassigned tasks. It was a good fit for me. I made myself available for the day prior to the wedding, and of course the big day.

I've had this running joke with this girl over the church she attends, so I had the priviledge of actually stepping foot inside it. (she does the same with me, don't feel sorry for her). I looked around, and said, "so this is what a **name of the denomination**** church looks like." Then called another friend that attends a similar church and announced to her, "guess where I'm at???"

Silly folks, they let me help decorate and then do errands with her. It went well. I was beginning to feel like the next day was doable.....

Day of wedding.... we pick up the cake. I was not expecting sooooo many boxes, then the terror of the car ride out to the curch. What if I dropped the CAKE!!! The PRESSURE!!! Spouse and #1 son were doing the video and the pictures so they had lots on their plates as well.

Next point of interest. Did you know that you are supposed to make the sherbert punch early? I didn't. I was told to not make it until after the wedding but I got adventurous and started right before the ceremony. Thank goodness I did!!! The stuff is supposed to melt and blend. I didn't know that. I can save your life but I know nothing about punch. Needless to say, the start of the reception was rough. However, some very kind folks stepped up to the plate and helped me.

I also enjoy watching people. Like the ones that came in and looked at the snacks we set out (no real meal was announced - it was just snacks, cake and punch) and started asking, "wheres the real food?" I felt like praying and asking Jesus to do another wedding thing. I mean come on, this is a simple wedding, no one has tons of money here, you weren't promised a meal. Also noticing the people that enjoy helping verses the people that are helpless.

All in all, a good time was had by those that wanted it. I learned a few things, her next wedding (she has 3 daughters) I will be happy to help again. Because when all is said and done, you help your friends. And I have 3 sons and will need help when it's my turn........

Internet gods

We are currently trying to be kind and gentle to the internet gods that have decided to play with our heads. One of us is in a foul temper about it, actually several of us since the boys are having to leave the nest at home to do homework at a local business. We are offering refuge to a repairman from the cable company tomorrow between the hours of 2p -5p for him to come appease the beast. We hope this one is wise and compassionate. :) We do not like to not have our internet. Any known appropriate sacrifices (please note - the children have willingly offered the kats.... but I can't see the internet gods liking kats either).

Dust Bowl

This is Lake Overholser in 1935 or my living room. Take your pick. I don't know what my mom did that angered God but she certainly didn't get the daughter she asked for. I believe she wanted one that would clean the house, bake, raise flowers, did I mention clean the house???? *also please note I inherited her house*

Dust is one of those things that overall just doesn't bother me. I figure, I don't bother it, it won't bother me. Then again, if I go and dust it, more just like it appears. Best I can tell there is a never ending supply of dust, but only a limited supply of me (now that's another topic).

But alas, sometimes the dust must be rearranged, today was one of those days. A couple of BOYS my sons age will be here Thursday - Saturday. Note, I said boys, they will not notice (at least none of the ones I've met) however on the off chance their parents enter my home, I have stirred the dust so new dust can appear.

We shall see. I really thought by the time I made the salary I make I could afford to hire someone to come do these tasks for me. Fair trade, I nurse people back to health (or something along that line) and I encourage the economy by getting my house clean. Alas, those people that live in my house demand to be fed, clothed, and have the lifestyle they are accustomed to.

Just another day

Not a bad day, for me that is. Funny thing though, I had to call a family member of my patient that is also an ICU nurse. I guess, maybe, I probably shouldn't have implied that his relative was an "interesting" case. Never a good sign to be told that your loved one is interesting to the nurses.

Cardiogenic shock, temporary pacer, balloon pump, ventalator, and the assorted medications that go along with that. Me, the one with the attention span of a gnat, was interested all day. Intriqued even. Again, not a good sign.

So far, so good. We will watch this one closely. They are very sick, but they have very good doctors. Now all he needs is a good heart.

The Order

You must understand, I rarely defy authority. I understand it's place and my place in the universe. I also understand the delicate role I as a nurse play in the unit compared to the physicians I work with. There are always those that we would not use ourselves and might I add are on the list of those that shan't touch me, but I still respect what they order for their patients. Until......

He's been in the unit for some time, I have never taken care of him but as charge I have kept up with his progress, actually, the lack of progress. We knew in our guts this man would not make it out of the unit, but we still tried to make it so. A week or so ago I began talking to the wife, I saw her daily in there and at some point either as a human or worse as a corporate slave I began to check on her each time I was there. Yet I knew where this was going and I'm not sure she did.

So the man is dying, all systems are shutting down, his body is visibly showing signs of breakdown. The sons had come in the day before at our request because we thought he would die that day. I had been shocked to find him still with us on my return. A doc that is covering for another decides we should get a test that will require us to leave the unit, be off the vent and bag, and jostle him around. When the nurse caring for him tells me about this order I was dumbfounded. I had looked at his labs earlier in the day, and this would blow his kidney function. He had been too unstable for dialysis for days and we were eeking by as it was. I can't defy the order, but in good conscious I couldn't do the order.

I quickly asked God for wisdom, as I didn't know what else to do. We decided to call the kidney doctor to "inform" him of this order. He called the "offending
doc then called us and said it was fine with him for the pt to go for the test as long as the family understood this would knock out the kidneys and he would have to have dialysis at this point. I talked to the family twice, explaining that while I would never defy an order, my concern was that their dad would die in process and I had to live with myself over the benefit of the test verses the consequenses. We were questioning whether or not we could do this but I needed direction from them. In answering questions they came to understand there would be little benefit from the test: we might find out why he was suddenly worse but we couldn't treat him and he would lose the kidney function he had. In the end, they decided not to do the test. The man died during the night.

In explaining to the family why this order was written I tried to protect the physician. They couldn't understand why he would order a test that might kill their father in process and for sure wipe out the kidneys with no real benefit. I explained that for many people they had to understand why. I never made this doctor look bad in my effort (I think) but tried to explain what I really couldn't.

But I was left with the feeling of here's the doctor coming in for 5 minutes ordering something that I will have to do and then I'm left with a grieving family when he dies during the test. I was angry! I support you and at the same time I have to wiggle around to try to be a patient advocate. It is about the patient, not why? Then I have to remember, I can't show the anger, I must comfort the family even when I have little to offer them.

As I left that night, they were each saying goodbye to the husband of 50+ years, the father that was special (they told me this, but I knew from meeting the family the kind of man he was), the grandfather that taught him how to be a man, and a man who endured much from my staff.

I stood up for my patient, I have nothing to hang my head about. I did more than my job, I helped my nurse through this situation, and God gave me wisdom to do all without compromising my self.

Isn't It Interesting....

So I worked ER yesterday, it's been awhile. I find it interesting that two patients I treated had the same thing that I sent my son to a doctors office for. My favorite of the day.... "but I'm allergic to everything but demerol...." to which the doc said he would not give. He asked her where she got that drug, she said her pain doctor. ER doc says, "go to him then."" She promised to complain when she got the patient satisfaction survery. I took her information to the director of the ER, he will be aware that she was seeking drugs. Oh, don't worry about her pain, she asked me for water, took a prescription bottle out of her purse and took some meds.

I love ER, the human species never fails to amaze me. You have wonderful patients, then you have the people that demand all while knowing they will never pay the bill. And they want it all fast!! The ones that won't pay, they know the buttons to push "chest pain" for sniffles, kidney stone for drugs, I even had a drug seeker try to fake an MI for the morphine. But then comes the sweet family that will never put you out even for a blanket as they are shivering.

No great stories from yesterday, I don't get many of those cases. But it's okay, it makes me appreciate those I see in the unit, that really need to be in the hospital and have something I can treat. Maybe some days I need to see that.

I Wonder

Some things have happened at my work, but I see them everywhere that have had me thinking. Do you believe what goes around comes around? Do you think when your boss, or their boss, or whoever, does wrong to a co-worker that it will come back to them?

I personally do. Sadly, many times I suspect they don't recognize what they are doing nor see when it happens to them. Of one I've heard the remark "she isn't happy unless she is beating on someone."

What a horrible way to live your life. I can't imagine being so unhappy that you have to treat your fellow man so. Makes me wonder....... The sad part is, most of these people claim to be Christians, yet you find no fruit in them.

Am I any better? I hope so, but then, I've come to realize I've treated one physician badly and must find a way to apologize that he would accept and in a way that would glorify my creator. I want to do it quietly, but I write this just to say that we need to be aware of our ownselves so that we don't become like these others. I don't want to be a bitter person that must belittle those around me. I really do want to be kind, gentle, exhibiting love and peace to all. What a calling.

I have devised a method of dividing people into classes that is slightly different based on an incident at work. There was a physician that I'm less than fond of. He walked into someone's office as I was sitting there and grabbed a piece of candy. Unfortunately he began choking on it (he survived, don't worry). The interesting thing here is that a) I didn't move, b) neither did the person sitting in the office with me.

Please note, I am a kind and gentle person. Known for my caring and loving attitude. I'm sure that had he not recoved BOTH of us would have saved him. However it was quite thought provoking.

The three types of people in the world:
1. The ones you would save
2. The ones you would save with enthusiasm
3. The ones you shut the door on.

Me and My Boss

Yeah, didn't do so good in friendly class, or kindgergarden.

Oops

I Can't Help It

I'm just stupid this way. I love the cartoon and they are better shared.

Cheers!!

(double click to read text)

I can't help it, just reminds me of people I know. I need a laugh, here's to you!!

Tired

I worked four days in a row, normally only three. I don't know what it is about me being charge that seems to bring out the forces of chaos that it does. The image I would like to project is one of quite harmony in the midst of madness... I'm not there yet.

Strange things happen when I'm charge, let me cite a few cases..... end of shift (18 bed unit) young woman comes in on a balloon pump as two other pts arrive that we had been waiting hours one. Balloon pump pt then needs to be turned completely over (pronation) to help her lungs. Madness!!!

Both my pts transferred out. I wait and wait on the two pts coming to me. First one: heart rate in 20's, being externally paced. No big deal. Which is good, #2 pt is young, the dreaded words "flu like symptoms", brought down to one of the units to prevent coding, now intubated but they decide to put in a balloon pump, after that he comes to me, after I get him they decide to do emergency surgery. This amounts to 40 minutes of hell while we get him, family, docs, lab, chaplain, paperwork ready. Oh, they brought #1 pt in right before this one hit my door, and oops, he's intubated but not sedated yet so there are a few issues that we need to deal with RIGHT NOW. Funny aside: one of the nurses that was tripled up kept saying as bad as his day was, at least he wasn't me!!

Anyway, that was fun. I shall work on my auora and see if that can improve things in the atmosphere. If not, maybe pray over a bag of NS and squirt it around the unit. :)

Irony

I had coffee the other day with the associate Pastor of our church. He's a nice guy, we rescued he and his family from the northern US to the south. I had some kind of response I was going to send him from work so I whipped out an email to his address at the church. His name is Chris..... I made a typo...... this is the response my server gave back......

christ@yourlocalchurch.org> no such user here

Another quickie: one of the docs I work with told me they had a guy helping them part time, he wasn't working out. One of the partners sent out an email telling about the problems and wrote "what a bozo." Unfortunately he sent it to the guy... needless to say they are looking for a new parttimer.

PETA

(to see in full size double click)

I love animals, I have many running around the inside of my house. However, I was moved to write today when I read the Pearls Before Swine cartoon for the day. It is not the one above, but I couldn't find it.

PETA, we all know the group.... People that Eat Tasty Animals..... they prowl around my house and wear down my resolve.

ENOUGH I say!!!! Okay, I can't even type this with a straight face...... I love to eat the animals, cows are my favorites, chickens are high up there.... I only wish I knew the creator of this strip, he is truly twisted.

Cats In Sinks

Found this site, after the last post, you probably need it.

catsinsinks.com

The Patient

Funny, he came in today, I don't know these people, but for some reason when the wife was giving the history to the doc something clicked in my brain. Now I've been doing this for several years and there's always some level that you connect with folks, but this was different.

Prior to the doc going in the room he told me there was only one thing more they could really do for this man. That would be to place a pacemaker in his heart. But basically that was it. The wife began telling the doc that only the top part of his heart worked, the back and the bottom were damaged severly in an earlier heart attack. He was being admitted because he was having V-tach (not a good sign for those that have no clue what I'm talking about - the pacer can shock him out of it).

So what, this happens all the time. I guess that's my point. It was almost like I could see me or my spouse or someone I love standing there matter of factly stating the facts. And the doc replied in kind. He was quite and gentle, but responded as she had with the facts. The facts in this case were basically "this is it, all we can do."

Why does it bother me? I don't know. Maybe it's two young ones that died, maybe it's the ones that "almost came to the unit" (a pediactric code today, a young mother - about a week after having her baby - that died, the ones I read about), maybe it's years of death, I don't know. Am I over the recent deaths, I would have to say no. What can make it better....... I don't know. I've talked until I'm sick of talking. I'm frustrated. Why did they die? Or maybe it was that I thought the one was going to make it and she didn't. Or maybe it's the fear that this man will code on me before we get the pacer and I will be inadequate to stop it. I think that may be it..... fear of being inadequate. I know I'm not in control, as I often say, these forces were in play long before we come onto the scence. Just as I am setting myself up for my health in 20 years, so were they. IT's that element of surprise - boom!! you're dead, hope I can save you! that is beginning to get to me now and then. Will I give the right drug, do the compressions right, etc that I wonder about. Will I see the signs before they code???? So much to do.

Sorry, this is way too long. This may be too much truth.

Working on the Photo Thang

Kid shot this the day we went on the field trip. He made one of the small local papers in the process.

More working on Photo's

Again working on the photo's...... son shot these as well.

Duh!!

Okay, I like the picture..... it's from Photobucket, I don't know the kid. I will one day figure out how to get more of my pictures on here so I don't feel like I'm robbing strangers.

I've had a headache, one of the nasty ones this morning. I wrote a couple of emails...... Those things should not happen together. Fortunately I didn't talk on the phone, no telling what I would have said. Just thought I would share........

My poor associate pastor, he should one day change his email address. Seems like when I have a headache I am more "truthful" or shall we say, less tactful, than other times. I checked the email, I think it was okay, but I did share more honestly in this request than I normally would have. What you say, shut up and go to the zoo....... take more drugs??? Good idea, later.

Babies

Some days things make sense, most days it doesn't. My work is so important to me, in some ways I've found that yes, it does define who I am. But some days I find that it leaves me without answers.

In the last two weeks there have been several young mothers die in our hospital. Two were in our unit, one as I was taking care of her. Then another died in another area. There were also several that got into trouble with their pregnancies but were able to resolve those issues.

Our hospital is large, and we are one of the best in the area. These deaths are not because they weren't getting good care, but because situationally these women were probably the "one in x number" that stuff happens to. This sentence sounds so flat though when you see it.

We are left with families that now have a baby with no momma. I didn't know all the dynamics to all the cases for the families and from my standpoint that's probablly a good thing. My imagination can fill in the blanks on that. I'm just dumbfounded that so much has happened.

Yes, I'm used to patients dying, it happens often. But they are usually people that have lived into their 60's or more. Now that I'm in my late 40's that doesn't sound old, but it's older than these women. It's different, and I'm not the only one that is having trouble with this. I find myself thinking about it a lot, what could we have done? Why did such normal illness go so bad in the pregnancy? Why ...fill in the blank? So what about the rest of the staff, is it just me? But I know it's not. We still talk about it. They feel the same thing.

Yesterday I skipped church, went to the nursery. I just wanted to be with babies. There were only two there, and I didn't get to fill my need totally, but I did have some relief. I need to cry. I recognize that need, but I have trained myself to not cry easily. One small tear ecked out with the baby, but someone came in and that stopped it. My fear, it will happen and I won't be able to control it. I will go off when I'm tired or mad and then it will come out and not be healing.

I was in nursing school when my dad died. One day in peds I was assigned a baby that was intolerate of food and his mother had returned to their home to care for other kids. The instructor wanted someone who would just hold and rock the baby. It was for both of us a good day. The only time I sat that baby down was for diaper changes. My instructor was a wise woman, she had clued me in before the others so I could get that assignment. Thanks!!

Babies are healing..... God gave them to us for hope. Hope for ourselves, hope for man, hope for the future. They smell good, and they respond to us. They are cute, cuddly and they need us. Touching them makes people smile. Holding them filles our hearts. And where is one when I need it.......

Dodge Ball

I've never seen the movie, but real life is interesting. Yesterday the males in the youth at church challenged the young married males to a round (or two) of dodge ball. I went to take pictures.

Males are interesting, yes I've known that for a long time but they still continue to fascinate me. Give them a ball and a challenge and they totally change. At work the day before one of the guys was explaining la crosse to me, I've never really seen a game but he used to play. It was interesting, the history of the game more than anything.

Dodge ball as I remembered was nothing like this. There was not only skill, but they set up traps. The youth were pretty well slaughtered, I think they anticipated an easy knock off, but it was not to be. Several of the guys were quite into it, I saw a lot of diving, jumping, etc. Oh, yes, I got hit. It was close several times, but one of the youth threw and I never saw that one. Seems the laws of physics don't bend because I'm female and not playing.

My son, oh my son. He is sooooooo one of them. If only he could move like that when he's here. I was quite impressed. I always knew he could smell like them, but seems he can blend with them well.

Of course what would be a gathering of males without the proverbial stuffing of one of them into the trash can. Actually they used some brotherly love because they didn't get this one too far in. However, sweat was applied to his face. At our church they call this bonding of males "NGL" or "non-gay love". The term was started by my #2 son at some male bonding experience. Actually this group is really good, and even though some of the guys have left the church they still maintain their relationships. All in all, it was great fun.

Time Out

As I said in my last post, I took the kid and we went to a local "mountain" and shot some photo's. This is a huge field filled with daffodils, about 3-4 acres I think. It was great fun, we both had cameras, both ended up on the ground shooting different angles. His photo's (and camera) are much better than mine, but the sunshine and just being free were great.

We then went to a boat dock and shot pictures of boats, water reflections and spider webs. Actually I just watched, my job was more to hold the lenses and make sure he didn't fall in.

It was peaceful....... okay except for the music. My general tendancy is to let him play his music when we are out. Christian rap isn't too bad, and I've almost stopped twitching......

Tomorrow is back to work, I love my job but we will be understaffed again. I went in to help for a few hours today and it was wild. The next three will be tough, but then again, I'm not the patient. I'll try Fat Doctors trick, see if pretending they are Jesus will help, but I suspect that will have it's own trauma.

Planning

Isn't planning a wonderful thing? The 2nd graders this week in my Sunday School class will learn how God planned the world. I made some plans this week..... they were good plans. I was going to take Patient X and Y so that I could work with my preceptee and spend quality time with her. Patient X was very sick, and with stuff we don't usually deal with. Pt Y was boring and no problem.

Any guesses what happened? Pt X resolved overnight many of the issues that would have made that case great. Pt Y on the other hand developed new and frantic issues. We had to go to CT, emergency surgery and another test. Guess which Pt the preceptee had...... guess how much time I got to spend with her...... guess how frustrated I was.

I probably should have changed her assignment, but Pt X was still interesting and there was no time to really teach on Pt Y. Besides, the surgeon was, well, how can I say it, "doesn't give warm fuzzies to nurses" and I really didn't want to run off my preceptee. Actually for him he was pretty nice, either he was still half asleep or feeling good about the case (as he should, perforated bowel got caught early, no real mess).

As bad of a time as we are having being short staffed and beat over the head about budget, and as sick as our pts are, we are actually doing pretty good. Our chaplain (chaplain the kid) is very close to us and usually picks up on who needs some extra support. I'm glad that the hospital has allowed us the support that we get from them, I can't imagine doing this without it.

That being said, the kid that I torture at home and I are going on a field trip today. Where? I don't care, I need a day away to renew my soul.

Too Young

She died today, early twenties, just had her first baby. She got to hold it, but doesn't know it. The baby will see pictures of her with the mom, but never know her. The family wasn't even functional enough to be classified dysfuntional. Live for today must have been the lifestyle, but I can't stand in judgement of her because she has paid for it. And now the baby will.

My unit is not a area where we see much of this, but as she died another rolled in, pregnant and on the vent. We pray for a better outcome. There's always hope, but always reality is too close.

****the baby in this picture is NOT the real baby...... this baby is from photobucket.com.....

Beam Me Up Scottie

So today at work one of the nurses walked around all day talking about how she just needed two weeks away at the beach. ALL DAY...... At times she didn't seem like she was even aware of us.

The boss handled it well. Took her a cup of water with a packet of salt in it and a picture of a family at the beach.

I gave her a candy bar.... Milky Way...... so she could dream of being on the beach at night and looking up at the stars...... We help each other that way.....

Myself, I've always wanted a holideck like they had in Star Trek. I'm not sure what I would want the most, this way I could use it often. Today would have been a nice day to use it. My top choices: riding horses through the day; fishing in a quiet area; the beach is good, like that one. So many choices, so little funds.

Tuckered Out

Have you ever been so tired you don't feel like talking, eating, or so tired you can't sleep. I worked last Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and have felt that way pretty much since. Saturday I went to see some friends that came in from out of town, I finally had to leave early. I usually am one of the last ones to go, not this time.

I'm fighting a cold, but also I think I'm just getting beat down. You know, you give, you give, and you give and it's never enough. We had a pt come down from the floor that had coded, no family could be found, when we finally did they wanted everything done. But then they weren't understanding that there was nothing we could really do. She was a very large woman, way over the classification for bariatric. It didn't change the way we cared for her, but it did frustrate our efforts to care for her.

I need renewal. I need to believe I'm making a difference somewhere. And the sad thing is, I'm one of the positive ones.

Why I Love My Job

Just another day in the unit. All was well, actually that's not true. We had a patient in one room that was there because he was seeing things we weren't. Another was having some wonderful family issues that administration had to be called for. One of my families told me all about the family issues the other family was having, only she wasn't getting much of the real story. And we had a couple of patients that were sicker than snot.

So we get a young one transferred in (young in our case is anything under 50). You got to watch the young ones, they go bad in a hurry. So she's in for one thing, doing kinda okay. But then she suddenly started hemorrhaging like crazy. Funny, she calls us in because she was "bleeding a little after she coughed a lot." That was an understatement! She is not here for this, she's here for shortness of breath. Our staff is fairly young, most had not seen anything like this so I was interested in their reactions. Now if I had known what we were getting into we would have worn gear to protect our clothes, but this was sudden. I had blood up to my elbows, one of the new ones got a little on her pants and went and changed clothes (before the patient went to the OR). Turns out the patient had coughed out stitches from a 2 week old surgery and that was what caused the bleeding.

It's in the hussle that you see who is going to survive the long term. Some of them stayed rooted to one spot, some looked confused, some got the light in their eyes that tells me they understand. When the patient started going into shock only one or two observed that and make the appropriate decisions. This happened at shift change, the pt's nurse stayed late that night to make sure everything went well, then she called to see how she did. And she did what I did, worried about "what did I miss" and "what else could I have done." She's a good nurse, and she will be better for the experience, once she processes it.

I worry about the ones that never understood how close this was or never catch on that they missed it. Earlier in the day I was frustrated with one that only went one pace, and he never tells me when he's in trouble. I can't help you if I don't know. But all in all, they are such a good crew and they really want to be better. We'll make it, and the patients will be fine.

Eats flies. Dates a pig. Hollywood star

I pass this everyday when I take my spouse to work. I LOVE it!!!! He is now walking around saying something about "first Eeyore with a detachable tail and now Kermit, I've married a five year old." He doesn't realize I was in the mall today, Eeyore and Kermit are a lot cheaper than the jewerly I like. I have VERY good taste.

We make life so complicated, it's not. Do unto others as you would have done unto you, work hard, play hard. Even God has a sense of humour, ever read about the talking donkey? And the fact that He picks the obscure tribe of Israel to have as His own? Besides, looking at many of the people in the "church" you would have to have a sense of humour to put up with them. So there's your mini-sermon of the day. Time for the diabetic to go make brownies. :)

Me in math class

There is very little to add to this. I can't claim the original, but I will say I have frustrated many an instructor.

There was the one that actually thought she could teach me the way. I explained that I knew they just made the stuff up and agreed on the rules so they would have a job. I passed, not sure how. I think for the same reason my current boss keeps me around: entertainment value.

Adventures of the Heart

30 years ago I would have been amazed to have seen where we are now. Who would have know that so much could happen. The kids, the parents, the jobs, the dogs....... everything.

I know my parents weren't sure we should marry. We were both 18, very idealistic, and yet very confident that this was what God wanted in our lives. I still believe it. Both my parents are gone now, but they both have told spouse in different ways how glad they were to have him in the family.

I'm not sure what his parents thought. I was not like them at all. I was from "town", they were not. I'm still different, but so is their son. His dad is gone now, I did truly love him, and I do love his mom.

Why are we still together? I don't know. It isn't easy living with me, I do feel for my spouse. But he will also tell you he isn't perfect. But he is kinda cute, and his heart is so loving. I don't know why he loves me, I would have given up long ago. The years have been tough. We've never had enough money, it seems like things are a struggle, but then we had our faith (well, until that got destroyed as well). But we have been blessed so much by what God has given us, we have wonderful children, we have a home (my parents left us a great place to raise kids), we are regaining our faith, and we have dogs that love us even when no one else does. Again, why are we together when so many around us are not, I don't know. But I'm glad we are. Happy Valentines Day

It seems like I have a ton of stuff to get done today and no one wants to cooperate. The kid doesn't focus on school, the dryer doesn't want to dry, the kid that was going to help me with transporting backed out........ I'm going no where fast.

It's not like I need help procrastinating. But I'm teaching CPR for the first time tonight and I need to prepare. The migraine last night didn't help. Oh well.

So, we shall see. He seems to be receptive to learning now..... biology, here we come!!!!!!

Harrison Snack

Harrison is a Burmese Mountain / Border Collie dog. He LOVES bunnies...... a lot. We kept a friends bunny for Easter Break, the bunny was a bit stressed. I don't know that the bunny was ever alone. Harrison stayed by the cage the whole time just begging to "please, please let me hold the bunny, please....." However when we did let him just smell the bunny he started drooling and snapping at the neck.

One of my friends just got her kids a couple of bunnys, Harrison wants to go visit. I told her that if the bunnys were bad Harrison would be happy to help. He's always sooo wiling to be a good friend. Anyway, so should you have a bunny that needs a little stress test, let Harrison know. He lives to serve.

Princess Bride

I find it hilarious how many people really love this movie. My youngest son (16) allowed me to look at his facebook page and I realized he had joined a group that states this is the greatest movie ever. We do movie quotes at work, this is one of the most popular. I have been loaning my copy of the DVD to others to get them up to speed.

How can it be?? Duh, have you seen it?? Pirates! True love!! Danger, giants, eels, Magic Max, so many wonderful elements.

Here is my question, what is your favorite part?? Myself, I have trouble deciding. I think I have to say the final duel between the prince and Wesley. But there is so much wonderful wordplay throughout the movie it is difficult to say.

This is my first attempt at adding a pic to my website. #1 son shot this pic at a park close to our house. Methinks it is copyrighted. I think he will let me use it (okay, I did ask first).

I kinda feel this way today, I've even thought about adding this image as my "official" pic, and I still may. Those that know me well will know there is something else that actually defines me, however, as Eeyore with a detactable tail sits beside me he says that right now he's not happy with the previous photos the boys have made. Maybe the next time spouse brings home the lights and backdrop for the boys to practice with.

You say - your boys practice with professional photography lights, well yes, don't yours?? Actually my living room, small as it is, is not bad for a make do studio. The boys have a GIANT poster (think 7" x 5") with a Narnia front and black back. It works. Their facebook pages have wonderful examples, but since I would prefer not everyone know exactly who I am.......

So lets post this and see what happens. If it works, I hope to make my site much more interesting. And actually, I do like the goose.......

Codes

The hospital I work in uses the unit I'm in and one other (as back up to us) for the "code blue" team. I tend to be an adrenaline junkie, so it suits me well now and then to go. There is one rule that I wish I could get established into protocol. When you pull the code button you reach over and drop the temperature of the room. Face it, little old ladies / men that code aren't going to mind if we cool down the room. Assuming we are able to be successful in reviving them, they will be transferred anyway. It's tough doing CPR at 100 compressions a minute when sweat is pouring off of you.

Codes on the floor are nothing like things you see on TV, in fact, they are nothing alike. Things are never where you need them, so many people in the room, you never know which people will show up, you never know what is going to happen. It's like an adventure everytime. Now in saying this, it's not to say things are bad, it's just not controlled the way that they show it on TV. A code in the ER or in the unit is much more controlled, we have everything set up, we are generally more prepared for "the worse case" than the floor is. The nature of the beast and all.

The last code I went to, one of the RN's was telling me I needed to give "high dose epi". I couldn't remember that being part of the ACLS but I looked anyway. I'm a bit insecure at times, I've only been out of school 5 years, these guys have more experience, so I attempted to do what he said. Later of course, I looked and we don't do that anymore. Another code, the RN kept giving me the wrong pads for the defibulator we had on the cart. She then went and got the right defibulator (instead of giving me the pads for the one on the cart) and still couldn't get it to work. Fortunately we were just "preparing" to shock and nowhere close to needing to use the stuff. My hospital only uses two types of equipment, I'm glad. Overall though, we do good work. I've never walked away from one of our codes saying that "if only......" Our mistakes tend to be in getting ahead of ourselves and not in what we are doing.

One day I would like to work for a short time somewhere else just to see how others do it. I mean totally away from this part of the country. I've pretty much always lived here, the southern mentality is probably affecting the way things are done and how people react. I've always wondered how end of life stuff is handled at other places.

The Brunch

The brunch went rather well (topic: Women's Heart Health), got lots of positive comments. We went with the concept that most folks really know the major details (don't smoke, exercise, lose weight, be perfect) so we highlighted things that we thought might be important. One was when you call 911, unlock the door. Men wait an average of 5.5 hours before presenting to a medical facility, women 6.4, both numbers are unacceptable. Every minute you wait could be heart muscle damaged.

We also thought that we would ask some questions, toss a piece of candy at the person that got it right. Now, I should have checked to see how well my partner can toss. I mentioned that we wanted no assault charges filed, but I didn't realize how close I was to reality. This gal is a girly girl. I'm more the baseball sports kinda girl. She "tossed" the candy but I think the ladies just weren't ready for it. I hope that's why it hit them. Anyway, they loved the talk. Hopefully some of it might actually pay off one day.

Now back to Super Bowl commercials, how I love them. Enjoy the day!!!!

How is a Brucheon like a Christmas Party?

Good question!! The answer: some idiot decided that I should plan the unit Christmas party. I didn't understand why, I hate shopping, making decisions, and I procrastinate. The idiot typing this blog volunteered to speak at a luncheon for the ladies at the church on heart health. It's this Saturday... I work Thursday and Friday. I'm thinking it's time to work on the presentation. Of course, I'm also thinking about what would happen if I catch that horrible stomach bug that is going around. It would get me out of the stress of speaking to the ladies AND the nieces wedding.

Why am I hesitant? One, I've not been the most faithful to the church over the last several years. I did start attending regularly this Easter but most of the people I knew in the church have left. I'm not in the mood to be that social. Two, I always worry about what to say, I have a rather dark sense of humour, not everyone gets me. On the upside, a friend will be with me, she's very proper, they will like her.

Oh well, it's a done deal. Now to do the work. I've just got to get a power point presentation put together. I know the material. Off to work (but I'd rather read).

Honeybun

My patient today only wanted one thing: a honeybun. Seems all night last night she cried out to anyone passing her room, she wanted a honeybun. She's older than God and on a clear liquid diet. My great nursing skills, she got an order for 1/2 honeybun x 1. I was considered a hero. I brought her the honeybun with a small cup of coffee. At the same time she was berating me for not bringing a fork, she stuffed her mouth full of pastry. It was great!!

It felt good to actually think that I did something that actually made someone happy. :)

Butterflies

I'm ADD, no official diagnosis, but I know. Two thirds of my children are ADD, I know where they got it. I never used to think I was, maybe it's that I'm older or maybe it's because my dad isn't here to beat me into stillness.

I'm really working on trying to look like I'm listening, or actually maybe trying to convince the other person I'm listening. I think the image of chasing butterflies is the best description, or a cocker spaniel, could be a lab. Definitely not a border collie, gee they really focus (one of my friends wants to take my BC to his college class on the first day to show them how they should focus). Lately I think it's worse.... I find myself going to do one thing, getting distracted, doing something else, then realizing I'm off down the bunny trail (ie, chasing rabbits). My poor friends, how they suffer...... "yes, I'll do that for you!!" and then off I go, totally NOT doing what I planned.

Maybe I need meds, I just really hate adding something else to the regimen. For those that know me, I'm truly sorry, I'm honestly trying. May I suggest a light tap on the cheek when I get glassy eyed, or a shock collar......... I have an extra now. But then, who would I trust to push the button...........

Lizard CPR

Went for my CPR Instructor class today, the instructor tells this story, swears he did it.

Got a call for a child with an obstructed airway, FD rescue ran hot to get there. Turns out that momma was napping with kid resting on her chest, kid was napping with lizard on his chest. Kid sleeps with mouth open........ lizard sees a nice dark cave. Lizard, well he's a lizard, went into the cave. Kid wakes up, can't breathe, mom wakes up, grabs lizard by the tail, tail pops off....... Mom freaks, sticks fingers in kids mouth, removes lizard with only slight trauma to mouth........ FD arrives, kid crying in background with a bloody mouth, LIZARD is dead........ FD attempts to revive lizard, however all rescue breaths go out where the tail belongs. Sadly, lizard does not survive, but kid is fortunately fine.

Instructor hands out instruction sheet for proper CPR for lizards...... I feel so empowered!!!!!

Ginger

Tuesday we lost one of our best friends. Ginger has been part of this house for almost 15 years. Who is she? Well, let me tell you......

Ginger was a mixed terrier that looked like Benji. She belonged to a friend of mine, but sadly enough, Ginger liked to chew on things that were not meant for chewing. One of those things was a new couch...... So Ginger got to move to my parents house. I don't remember how that happened, but it was a good thing for Ginger.

My parents totally spoiled their animals. Not only do they live inside, but they got peanut butter, slivers of food, cheese, just whatever. While the animals do tend to be overweight, they are not in horrible shape.

Ginger was often compared to an "old lady in a dog suit". The old lady part was really true, she was set in her ways. When my mom died, Gin got very depressed, moped about the house, always sniffing at closed doors to see if mom was there. Then dad remarried, and built a house next door. The new wife didn't allow "dogs" in the house, but we were living in Gingers real house anyway so she stayed with us. Funny thing is, I think Gin knew that it was her house and we were the boarders.

The dog was ritualistic. Every day pretty much the same pattern. At bedtime though, you would say, Gin, go to bed, and she went to her "room", okay, it was the laundry room but it was hers. One of the signs that she was getting older was the night she refused to go. Basically she decided that it was her house, she wanted to sleep in the room with us and we could just deal with it. So we did. The problem was her snoring. But we adapted.

Then it got to be that she would wake up at 3am and need to go out. I believe that she became diabetic towards the end, the peeing and drinking increased a lot. Lots of things changed for her. We knew that she was losing her eyesight and her hearing. I felt guilty at yelling at her but it was the only way that she could hear us. But at times she would get afraid because she didn't hear us coming and we would pet her and she would jump.

Many friends have talked about her, some came over to see her that last night. It was sweet. Comments: "I loved coming over and knowing that she was going to bark at me, then come sit on my foot for me to pet her."

The bug man's last trip here was with Gin knowing he was here but couldn't see him, so she barked at the wall until he left.

If she didn't like you, she wouldn't let you anywhere around, even if you were there to feed her.

My husband was feeding her for my parents once, discovered they were out of dog food and called my folks to see what he should do. Dad told him to make her a peanut butter sandwitch, smooth peanut butter only. Spouse had never done that before. Dad also told him how to cut the sandwitch for her. Spouse was in disbelief, but did it anyway.

When I figure out how to do pics on here, I will post some favorites.

There are many stories, the sweet thing about our vet is that when we took her in, she spent a lot of time with us listening to the stories and petting the dog. She didn't have to, but she did anyway. It was hard to do this, we always hoped that Gin just wouldn't wake up one day, but we loved her enough to do the right thing. And I know that Ginger is with my parents, complaining about how we treated her (but now this dog had her own cat that she picked out) which I'm sure was never as good as my folks. So anyway, heres to you Ginger, I miss you. Give mom and dad a bark for me

iPod

The iPod is a marvelous creation. I never thought I would like something so much. It has become my new best friend for distasteful tasks. Wal Mart, Kroger, exercise, and housecleaning have all been done with a much better attitude than ever. In fact, I started out in July with a 2GB iPod thinking that there was no way I would outgrow that. Alas, for Christmas I asked for a 30GB iPod (black please - you know, so the earplugs would blend better). I have not even come close to figuring out how to use it except that I have more music (spouse puts the music on it for me - he decided to broaden my musical horizens when he loaded it). I'm still looking for my CD collection, it got away from me recently to put even more stuff on this thing.

The problem I'm running into is that I'm finding places I would rather iPod than real life.... sadly sometimes church is one of those, work is usually one of those but I do intend to keep the job and not iPod. (Yes, I'm more afraid of God than the boss, however, I have a lot of very spiritual stuff on the iPod).

And another good thing, spouse loaded mahjong on the iPod...... really didn't think he would, I do waste a lot of time on that game. But on the upside, I've learned to use Mac a little better since he put the game on the laptop. See, there's always an upside...

Mom

Mom died in 1999, I was applying to nursing school, she was a retired nurse. Mom started nursing school before she married, met dad there and after they were married she got pregnant with my brother and had to drop out of school (back in the day when you couldn't go to school and be pregnant). In the 1960's we moved to this state, she challenged the LPN boards and passed. In the 1970's she went back to school for her RN degree.

I remember those days well, she was not a good scholar, she had trouble with the ACT, but she was good with the technical stuff. During this time she paired up with two other women, one was very book smart but didn't even know how to take a tempurature when they started, the other was in between. It was interesting to watch them study, one would go over the book, mom would explain how it worked in real life. Once mom got pink eye and I had to read to her, I still remember it was on MI's - which is what I specialized in - and her explaining it to me, and how my grandma died of one, she made it interesting to me then.

I got a call yesterday from a daughter of one of the women, she died that day. The daughter just wanted to let me know. She also had fond memories of those days. The "smart" one came to see me when mom was sick, she helped me a lot in those days. I hope to see her with this funeral (she was younger than the other two).

Before I make you sad, I know that my mom would be very proud of me - I don't do the kind of medicine she did (she liked rehab and ortho - I like ER and units) - but she taught me about caring about her patients and being the best you can be. Of all the things that I would say I regret in my life there are two that come to me the most: 1. I got into a lot of trouble in the 70's and she had to drop out of school for a year, I didn't understand the sacrifice at the time, but oh do I now and 2. that I didn't get to share this with her when she was alive. She died before I even got in school, but she knew the path I was on.

December 26th was the anniversary of her death, she had a wonderul life, she was well loved and she loved well. My children were blessed by her and I can only hope to the be blessing to my grandchildren that she was. At work that day though, I think I honored her by sharing with a family that was having to make a decision to let their loved one go the lessons that my mom taught me in her death. They made a good decision, and I know I can do that without regret because I was shown the way by parents that walked a path before me.

Thanks mom - like others before you lit the path for me. I miss you.

Sarcasm

I've noticed on most of the medical blogs I've been on that there is a fair amount of sarcasm in them. For those of you who are not medical you need to understand that this doesn't mean we don't care about those that are our patients. Alas, I suspect that we have to have this "dark humour" in order to survive. Why is that? Because you can't constantly see what we see without developing an overwhelming sense of irony.

For example - people come into the ER on a regular basis after having done some of the most stupid stuff and wonder why we laugh. I mean, if you drink a case of beer and decide that now is a good time to move the fish tank and you get cut in the process (and the fish died, I might add) I WILL laugh at you.

I will laugh at you if when I go to give you a shot and you whine, yet you are covered with tattoo's. Sorry, I can't help it.

I will look at you with that "are you really that stupid" glare when you complain that the service is slow when you are here for an earache and I have a patient having a heart attack next door and he "doesn't want to bother me" with his chest pain.

My first days back in the ER after working in the unit were amazing to me. I had been away from patients that didn't need to be admitted for a year and had forgotten how stupid some folks really were. Now we get a different level in the unit, and it might be that my ER background really shows - don't threaten me that you can go to another facility, I'll give you the papers. Don't waste my time, I won't beg you to stay. In fact, there are people wanting to get in the unit and can't come because your sorry butt is in the bed.

Then there is "don't let grandma die" - yes, she's got severe dementia, doesn't know who you are, hasn't walked in a year, on every machine I can drag in the room, she's had a great life, and she even told you she didn't want to be on machines, but YOU can't live without her. Do you hate her??? I mean, come on. Let the woman go....... There are some things worse than death.

The funny thing is, I won't harm grandma, please understand that, but I pray that God will release her from her body, and that I can convince you that a DNR is a wonderful thing. I don't like doing CPR and hearing bones break, I don't like shocking grandma. So please, when I laugh at something stupid, it's so that I can take care of grandma when you won't make the tough decisions.

This Ain't Burger King, You Can't Have It Your Way

WOW, if ONLY they would let us use that slogan for our branding as opposed to "you complain, we'll brand them, beat them into submission and fire them if you want. In fact, we'll throw in an extra nurse for you to trash. Then we will have them crawl to you with coffee in their hands." Okay, it isn't that bad, but still.......

Let's see, we moved a pt to another unit to suit the surgeon; another doc blasted the charge nurse last night because he didn't specify the floor his pt was to be admitted to and the supervisor sent him to a unit (the appropriate one at that); and a doc that I really like was mad because I called him and asked if he wanted me to consult another doc on his patient - oh wait, you see, I thought it would be a good idea, he was mad because "I wrote that order 3 hours ago and why haven't you done it?" Could be that I didn't do what he didn't write, not in the orders, not in the progess notes. He then said that he told everyone around that he wanted the doc called, well, when asked, no one heard him say that, espiecally me, I was charge and had the patient. He'll chill, he's a good doc and I usually anticipate his needs fairly well. I suspect that he is over tired. I sure am.

But if only now and then, I could say what I really, really think. But then, I do like my job and I really like when I do the right thing for the pt and help the doc out.

Of course, sometimes my mean streak comes out and I just forget that on a holiday weekend that the new pt we just got in is needing a consult by a doc that is standing in the other room. Actually, the doc there takes call for the doc that we were consulting and I wasn't 100% sure. And after this guy has been so hateful, rude, arrogant, and really likes to make nurses feel stupid I just couldn't bring myself to tell him about the consult while he was there. After all, I needed time to make sure that he would actually be the one to see the pt. And I know he hates it when we are wrong........... I'll repent next week.........

Strobes

My youngest son is 16. He is a most interesting child. You must realize I deeply love him, and one day hope to see a) the children he produces, and b) what he tells his therapist (I figure any child raised by me will need one at some point).

This child is a free spirit, he has no fear, and no limits to his imagination. For Christmas his main desires were a camera, strobe light, and outside lights so he can better skateboard at night. His wishes were fullfilled.

The strobe light is what intriges me, I understand that they played catch with the dog to the strobe, which would explain the twiching that she did later when trying to sleep. About the time I was headed for bed, the boys were talking about going to the church to play ping pong by strobe. As it turns out, they state that it is great fun.

Meanwhile, I await the planes that I expect to see circling the house to land. Hopefully he won't flash the strobe at them.

Merry Christmas

I hope that all of you have a wonderful Christmas and that the one who we celebrate will be the focus of your day. My family celebrated today in order to allow me to partake, as the organization I work for is requiring my presence tomorrow. I don't mind too much, obviously I would prefer to be with family, but the patients didn't particually want to be in the hospital then either.

It was good here, we went to church this morning and the Christmas Eve service tonight. We spent some time together this afternoon. It's funny how much the kids have changed and yet how little they have changed. Chocolate milk is still the big drink, only now they can just go buy it themselves. #2 son is impatient with wrapping paper, and will tear the other boys paper if they go slow. They say they don't remember when we had birthday cake for Jesus and sang to him, but they have always understood the reason we celebrate (and yet they always take the presents).

Enough. Sorry, it's my favourite time, and yet I always stress over it wishing it could be better. I don't have the decorate gene, I'm not creative, and I get frustrated because it's not perfect. Today's migraine proved that. Sometimes I think, one more song, one more hug. Merry Christmas, maybe I should reread what I posted y'day, and go play a carol.......

Allelulia

"no one can celebrate a genuine Christmas
Without being truly poor.
The self-sufficient, the proud, those who,
because they have everything, look down on others,
those who have no need, even of God--
for them there will be no Christmas.
Only the poor, the hungry,
those who need someone to come on their behalf,
will have that someone.
That someone is God,
Emmanuel,
God with us.
Without poverty of spirit there can be no abundance of God."

the late Archbishop Oscar Romero of El Salvado

There is nothing to add to this....

Anger

Funny, anger has been on my mind this week. I'm having to deal with a situation where some folks have been angry and now the waves from that are affecting others. There is also my *cough* occasional bad mood and how that affects the tone of the home and the unit. I usually snap out fairly quickly, but the damage is done. Then there are words spoken in anger, many times these are true words, but probably not the way you would have either wanted to hear it or have said it. They can never be taken back. You can be forgiven, but the damage is always there. Your family, co-workers have all seen and heard it. It spoils the time that we had together.

Today when there was tension in the air I said something that I thought would make someone feel better, but alas, not only not true, he came back in anger. What he said was true. I guess it's been held back for years. Oh well. It will pass. I'm trying to learn not to respond when someone is angry, I started this at work and am trying to continue it at home. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe not, but it keeps me from having to repent quite as much. Silence is not always a bad thing.

Now, I'm going to get off my lazy duff and get some stuff done. I had to sort through papers this morning, found lots of things of my mom and dad: photo's, their papers, and traded in my dad's truck for a newer vehicle for my son. *my eyes are leaking* Anyway, where is my iPod????

Thoughts on Christmas, part I

36There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, 37and then was a widow until she was eighty-four.[e] She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. 38Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem.

The last sentence, "to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem" is one of the things that has been on my mind. Actually this started with thinking about the wise men, what faith it took for them to go on that journey. And Simeon, who sat at the temple because he had been promised he wouldn't die until he saw the Christ. And Anna....

So what kind of faith does it take to see a star and change your life for a couple of years...... what kind of faith does it take to see a baby and know that this is the one? I can't imagine. What kind of faith do I have? I couldn't sustain my faith a few years ago after seeing man at his worst. Now I realize that I had actually placed more of my faith in man that God, now I get to repeat part of that test and I'm hoping that my source is totally God and not man. But I know that my heart is "looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem."

Hopefully this Christmas is more than just the presents and the retelling of the story, but that the many meanings of the story will come to us. Shalom

Christmas Party

I went to two different Christmas Parties this weekend, one work, one Sunday School. Isn't funny how segregated our lives are? And some of the people would blend so well, some have met. It's kinda like an Algebra problem where the lines intersect. I enjoy my friends, I come alive in a new way when I'm around others. I really don't need alcohol or drugs like some do, laughter is my joy. It fascinates me to see the people in my life come together, to hear their stories, to share parts of our lives.

Example: One of the new nurses brought her boyfriend - he blended so well. In dirty Santa he stole a gift from one of the others (in fact, it was a gift I brought - the Crack Calendar). At the SS party I'm the new kid, but they accepted me well. You peer into people in a new way in their homes and when they are relaxed.

I'm in favor of more away time like this. Through the one on one time we truly come to know each other. In a SS class, you are on guard, you must appear "spiritual". What a load of crap!! How can we get through life without each other?

Oh, I stole gifts as well, Santa coffee cups with CANDY and a baseball pig (I have visions of middle child with this gift). The pink t-shirt with "tough men wear pink" almost came home with me, but I thought the boys might hurt each other getting to that one!!

Clapping in a Code

Last night I had a nurse (we will call her Kate for this - not even close to her real name) do charge that had never done it before. She did a great job, but stayed stressed. I was later told by one of her friends that she "needed to put on her big girl panties!" I can't argue with that. This morning after we gave report as she was leaving one of the patients went into v-tach. We raced in, grabbed the crash cart and defibulator, and Kate yells, "let me do it, I've never shocked anyone before!" We throw the pads on, give her the paddles and shocked one time. Patient converted rhythms and was fine (well, so to speak). As Kate was giving back the paddles we all broke into applause and high fives!! What a way to start the day!! Kate left feeling great, the patient did fine (went back to fighting the vent) and the day, well it sucked, but so it goes.

Shopping with Teen

The 16 year old begged to go shopping today, even consented to dust prior to leaving (and I mean mom approved dusting, not his norm). Maybe I'm a pushover, but this kid continually amazes me. I figure there are only a few years that I get to have with them before they leave home (so I've been told anyway, none of mine have left) so I usually let him play his music in the truck. Today though, we compromised - at each stop we would change to the other ones CD. So..... christian rap to Nirvana (my choice) to christian rap to Christmas music (again, me). By the time we were done I was fried. Totally. I told spouse that I needed a drink with dinner, after I explained why he didn't mind at all.

The child and I had a talk while out. I told him that I wanted to live long enough to see his kids be teens. He looked at me and grinned (he has killer dimples) and stated that his kids would be demons. I replied that yes, he was screwed. He said that was fine, he was going to drop them off at my house every day. Figures I did school with him, I can teach his kids. We need to discuss philosophy of why you homeschool, so the parent can be closer to the child. It was fun, maybe when he sees a therapist (everyone should have therapy, and I would love to hear what my kids would say if they ever did) it won't be all bad on how I raised him. The middle child, I figure I won't come out as well, but we all know the middle kids get wronged throughout life anyway. The oldest kid, well, I bought him a dishwashing tool for his job and he was excited and grateful, I may fare well with him too. I hope so, he decorates the tree, I need to stay in his good graces.

The Frozen North

We have a new pastor, he's "not from here". Now, there's "not from here" local and "really not from here." This guy is from the latter. Canada to be precise. Recently we had a discussion about things people do up there to kill time and games that are played. Now, dude likes hockey. Actually that would be an understatement, he LOVES hockey, why he moved to the south is beyond me. There is an ice rink in town, but I know this is nothing like what he is used to.

So we are in Texas for a funeral and he's telling me about going driving on the ponds in your truck. Being a good southern girl I have visions of just trying to drive on the streets without killing people during icy season. I can't imagine going out on a pond (of course here nothing freezes like that anyway). And I've worked in the ER on an icy day, lots of work. I'm not into "loss of control" I don't even drink to lose control, the closest I get to that is when we get an "exciting" patient and the adreniline pumps.

So here am I listening to his story about the thrills in Canada (and I'm thinking good book, glass of wine, hot tub, maybe even hot chocolate) when I have an Eureka moment!!!! Their brains are frozen!! That explains all!!

So when I'm around him now, he looks at me with that "I know you think my brain is frozen" look and I look back with "yes, it is" and we have a quiet understanding. It makes for peace. Besides, I have the ultimate upperhand, he has to work with my kid, who has had my input for 22 years......... *giggle*

Not From Here

I work in a critical care area, specializing in hearts. Some days I know what I'm doing, I hope anyway, they let me play charge.

The other day we got a patient from the floor, fast heart rate. This was going to be my patient, I was charge but I had the only empty bed. Actually it didn't sound bad, usually we can deal with these fairly quickly. Patient comes down, I get him on the monitor, still standing at the bedside, no chance to look at the chart yet. The doctor comes in, now, he's not from here. I don't mean not from the local area or even not from the south, he's not from this hemisphere. So Dr. Z walks in, pulls the blanket down, pulls off the abdominal dressing from where he did surgery the day before. He states, "that looks fine." Technically that was true, it did look fine, but the pt didn't come down because of the dressing, Dr. Z still hasn't looked at the monitor or listened to the pt.

He then asks me about lab work on the pt, what were his labs this morning. Now he knows the pt has just arrived and there is no way I could know the answer, but he should have access to that. He decides, again, without the lab or a cvp, that the pt is dehydrated and we will run in a litter of NS.

I was off the next couple of days, when I returned I found that pt was now on amiodarone gtt without much success, in fact, he's a bit worse. Also, the nurse reported that there was a red area around the end of the dressing so Dr. Z pulled the staples completly out the whole length of the wound. The next day the distal end of the wound was open and had an odor. Again I was off, when I returned the pt now is on the vent and has abdominal abcesses. I'm not seeing a good outcome to this.

So I don't know what to think. Did Dr. Z get in over his head? I heard mumbling about when he opened the belly he ran into things he wasn't expecting. I realize things can go bad on anyone, however, I'm not liking this one. I guess my opinion went downhill the day before when I saw Dr. Z do a sterile procedure that was anything but sterile. I'm told that we should write up what we see and when they get enough complaints.........

The sad thing is, I'm not prejuidiced or racist. I guess if we all look in our hearts we will find some, but overall I know of several doctors that I adore and would choose should the occasion arise that are "not from here". But then there are those that because I am female won't look me in the eye (one even closed his eyes the whole time he was talking to me, that won't happen again either), that I've seen treat patients with lack of care or concern. However, there are some that are far more blue blooded that I that do that, but in all farness, I can't stand them either. Comments.......

Quote

Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player. Albert Einstein

Thought this was interesting..... considering my current state of mind, it fits.

Boys will be boys

Thanksgiving was fun. My sons, 22, 19, and 16 played baseball with the neices, 4 and 5. Watching a 6' 4" male hit a softball with a T-ball bat is just too much fun. The rules were basically if the ball went over the fence, it was out, under and it was a home run. There were ghost players and mommy helpers (the 5 year old is slightly afraid of the ball, the 4 year old is tough).

Methinks these boys will be good fathers, they were rough on each other, and kind to the girls. All were worn out at the end, the girls went home to nap, the boys fell out on the couches (except the middle one that went to the girlfriends parents to eat another dinner). It was way too much fun.

My brother in law discussed his plans to ask his girlfriend to marry him in January. We wondered why not over Christmas, but he said no. I think it would be sweet, but then again, I'm not the one getting married.

Family times like this are better now than they used to be. Years ago these people drank to excess and we couldn't wait to leave them when the boys were little. They still talk about the time when the bottle rocket war got out of hand, yes, alcohol was on board. This year I will work Christmas, so I will miss the little ones. But, I have many years with mine little that I still cherish. The middle son always asking for Chocolate milk was priceless, in fact, he still asks for it. The fights, wait, they still do that.... maybe nothing has changed except the size and the price of the toy........

Nothing Special

Happy Thanksgiving!! We will be going to my mother in laws and hanging with the family. Not sure how I feel about this, I will miss her when she is gone, but sometimes I wish we could do it here with our family, but I know how disorganized I am. Alas, this way it's easier. But the boys will grow and leave some day (well, I've heard it happens).

Work has not been bad lately, but the census is low. I've heard they thought of closing the unit yesterday, but I don't see the cost savings. They would take our patients, sent them down the hall, take my nurses and send them with the patients. Don't see the advantage, lights aren't that much. The staff is scared, I'm not happy but I'm sure this will pass. If not, I don't intend to go down the hall, I don't like the other units. I would attempt to move to ER, which I love. But we will see.

So enjoy the day, read the paper, play with the kids, remember it will not always be this way. Some days better, some days worse. I miss my parents and I know that one day I will be gone as well. But hopefully the memories we build now will survive.

What Goes Around

Interesting enough, the other day I was in an indepth conversation with my eldest child when the phone rang. I answered. Which led to a rebuke from child about the phone being more important than him. His words went to my heart. I have on many occasions allowed the phone or other things to be first above them. Now time for a change.

Last night my youngest was with a group of people and waited until the last to leave in order to talk to a man he looks up to. They engaged in a conversation then another man came up and took the conversation away. My heart was greatly grieved that this man had a sixteen year old want to tell him his heart, and he chose not to listen. He may never understand what happened, but I saw my son's fallen face, and I hurt.

I will listen, they will give me another chance. Probably because I feed them and do their laundry. More than anything, I love them.

Pearls Before Swine

I've just recently discovered this gem. As soon as I figure out how to get cartoons and pics on here (and that's like my brain is fried and non-tech oriented these days - and time challenged) I will show some of my favorites.

Of course, I'm also trying to discover what is important to me as a philosophy. The synical side of me is defined in my opening phrase about kittens and snakes. Those who actually know me are torn between am I a pessimist or an optomist. I actually don't know except to say that I know that man is totally corrupt and that man's heart can be changed (so am I a Calvinist or Armenian??). Mine was and is in process. I totally believe man can do things beyond our imagination yet man is redeemable (yet I love Mitch Rapp and his function in fiction).

So here are a few quotes from Pearls Before Swine - and my favorites aren't here, I expect a book for Christmas (hint, hint)


Rat: If you could have a conversation with one person, living or dead, who would it be
Pig: The living one.
[pause]

Pig: You must really think I'm stupid.
* * * * *
from pearls before swine

i love the crocks

Rat: I'm poor.
Goat: They say a man's wealth is not measured by money, but by the number of good friends he's made.
Rat: I'm bankrupt. * * * * *


Pig: What are you reading?
Goat (holding book): It's a mystery.
Pig: Have you checked the title page?
* * * * *
Rat: I saw my cousin Gene today.
Pig: Is he the guy that runs marathons?
Rat: Yeah, but he's a real jerk ... nobody in my family likes him.
Pig: It must be tough to have a bad Gene that runs in the family.

Will have more to follow. Must go educate the child now.

Random Thought

Thought from the current book, sadly not a book of philosophy or great wisdom, a political thriller: Act of Treason by Flynn

"It is what it is."

The context doesn't matter, just the thought. It's been on my mind all day. Simple, True, to the point.

"It is what it is."

Giving

This morning Fat Doctor spoke about patients giving gifts to her and some of the residents. It brought to mind how many patients have brought us gifts in the unit. It's really sweet when someone takes the time to do something like that. One family that I had spent a lot of time with heard me asking for Whoppers from the drugstore and bought me a huge carton of them. Others have brought all kinds of things for us to eat (and we love it!).

Why do they give, after all, they will have a huge bill to pay. For the same reason that we offer coffee to the lineman that restores our power, we (and they) are the personal part of the whole. I would never think to write "thank you" on my check to the electric company, but on a snowy day I'll offer coffee to the lineman outside. I know he's being paid well, but still, it's a human thing. I can "do my job" without getting attached, or offering comfort, or those hugs and pats, but that's not who I am. I do piss people off, I tell the truth, hopefully in a kind way, but somedays they don't get "mama's gonna die" until you say it that way.

Recently we had an employee's mom in the unit. The day I came back from vacation I asked how mom was because I hadn't seen her yet. She told me they wanted her to make her a DNR and she just didn't think she could. We talked for a long time, then I went to see her mother. She was dying as we spoke. I got the daughter (she was on the job), told her she needed to take off NOW and we could call her supervisor if needed, but she needed to be with mom. She died about an hour later with the daughter at the bedside, still not aware that mama was not coming back. A month later she asked me how I knew she needed to be there. It was so sweet, I was just going to get coffee that day when I stopped to talk to her. Her mom wasn't my patient. I wasn't charge. But I still cared. That's why people bring us gifts, and yes, I will accept.

The most difficult for me to see is a man that I cared for his wife in the ER. He's an employee, environmental services. It's my only patient to die in the ER on me. The doctor wanted to send her home and I didn't know better at the time. The man went home to get ready for work, she coded and died while he was gone. He was never mad at me, never showed anger. Later he told me she said she was going to die. But I see him every week, he says hello, and I still feel guilty. But I did learn, I know a lot more now and would never send someone home with those labs. I'm sorry bud.

Dare I Ask?

Things are not well in the church. Alas, I've been down this road before, and I don't want to do it again, EVER. At this time, I sit and wait and watch. I fear that those around me have assumed which "side" I'm on. I'm not on any side. I'm watching and waiting. At this time I have questions, but not what they think. I would like a copy of the constitution and by-laws, of the church and the whole organization. I would like to see the budget. You know, funny thing was I wanted this before I was aware there were problems. Why??? Why not? Mostly because I am curious. I've heard a lot of stuff about the denomination that I'm in and didn't find the answers on the website. They would probably think so I can raise questions, spread unrest. Nah, I really don't want to cause any judgement my way. I ask questions all the time. I just want to know the rules. I haven't asked for them, which sounds silly, but in a way I'm afraid to, some might think I'm up to something. Don't assume things about me. I actually was more concerned with the structure of the overall organization.

Then there are the people. I really like the people at this church. However, in the many years that we have been attending, none have really invited us into their homes. Many knew that I stuggled with my faith, and yet said nothing. It's okay, yet I do remember. I'm hesitatant to throw my heart out there to anyone these days. There is one, a new one in the church, I've reached out to, yet since she has become aware that I knew about the problems, I've heard nothing from her. Friends, or was I mistaken. Am I misreading, I don't know. And the bad thing is, the people we've always been friends with are the ones that are leaving.

In some ways this reminds me of some things at work. I am considered part of Adminsitration (a very very minor part - you know, if it goes wrong I can be blamed, but not much on the getting credit for good things). At work I get told things I'm not supposed to know by some, so I get to hold that in. I have the hospital logo stamped upon my forehead. Yet I love this hospital, even with all the things I see that are wrong. Would it be better somewhere else, I doubt it. I see a place that I can function well, where I am overall respected and known. But some days I feel like I must spout the "party line" and hold back my true feelings.

For now, I'll buy the new shoes to wear with the dress and go to church. I'll go and I'll wait and watch and I have a great supply of Maalox (probably should buy stock in the company).
And since the one thing I know is that God isn't letting me get super comfortable (note previous post regarding Sunday School, Diet Dr. Pepper and heathen children), also a lack of brain cells to remember who these people are, I fear that God is very interested in keeping me humble. I verbalized today to a friend that I may work more Sundays now, I can pick up some hours. I don't know. Why can't church be just about worship? I sat today at the piano and had some worship time. Christmas is here, my focus will be on the right thing then. My faith is returning, maybe I need to realize a) it's not my church, it's His b) He can take care of His church and c) my focus should be on Him, not anything else. Somedays it's hard to let go, but I must set it free. I'm not looking to leave or anything, just need to let God do in His church what He wants. It's a group of frail humans, not the total expression of who He is (although it should be).

So yes I'm angry. I don't want people assuming anything about me. I have questions, but give me credit. If you are worried about me, ask!!!! It does frustrate me that I've heard "I've worried about you with the past you've had." yet where was the phone call???I'm not so frail that I can't handle reality. Good Grief! You admire the depth my children have and you surely know that some of that comes from home. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Gripe Gripe Gripe

And the children of Israel, in the desert complained to God constantly regarding manna - we want meat!!!! So they had meat until they were sick.

The nurses complain, we don't want too many patients, yet they complain when the census is down, we want overtime. I found myself not speaking yesterday to one that I trained because he complained after he called and requested to come in and work that *gasp* we gave him patients. And later in the day, he got mad because the charge nurses let someone else go home. I don't get it.

According to the song by Keith Green, God got so mad "he even took our junk"..... the nurse got mad, left campus to smoke and was in a car wreck...... no I'm not glad about that. Just observant.

Today I work with him, I'm still mad, but I suspect I must forgive him lest I fall into error. GRRRRR But I will really try to watch my complaining...... how does my boss do it?

The Book Challenge

I saw this on Fat Doctor and thought it would be fun. Actually wasn't sure what the closest book would be. Turns out, Janet Evanovich Twelve Sharp. Which will now be placed in my backpack to take to a friend.

Here are the rules:1. Grab the nearest book.2. Open the book to page 123.3. Find the fifth sentence.4. Post the text of the next four sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest!

"I don't know where he's originally from," Lorraine said. "He was working as a security guard at Potomac Mills Mall when she met him. He told her it was only a temporary job until his business took off." "What business was that?" "He was a bounty bunter. Carmen thought that was real cool."

Ah Janet, better to have a shower scene with Ranger (do you hear my heart go pitter patter) but the story is coming right back. For those in the know, Ranger or Joe????? Myself, Ranger all the way.

The other books were things I haven't put up from lazyness or whatever Vince Flynn "Consent to Kill", "Vocabulary Cartoons" to help 16 year old's vocab, " Lab and Diagnostic Tests, and Pass CCRN (for those that are ADD, BORING). Okay, that was fun! Come on Chaplain the Kid, what was close to you????

Too Much of a Good Thing

Chocolate, nah, never too much. Family, some times they are too much with us. But today, its too much colour. Okay, I've been using the same guy for my hair for 16 years. He knows the rules about my hair: must be able to twirl it when stressed and must be able to tuck it behind my ears. Next rule will be, no shocking changes. Ever! The plan was to go a little darker (it's been kinda strawberry blonde which was a struggle for me, I still prefer brown, but got lots of compliments about the colour) and do some highlights. Well, it's like red. Not fire engine, but more red than I was ready for. I go back to work tomorrow, I'm not ready for this. He forgot about the highlights, which would have helped. *cough, cough*

I'm not charge tomorrow, which is fine. However one of the guys will be there that I'm already tense around. He hates me, actually I'm not sure about that, it would require him giving me credience to be alive, not sure he goes that far. Then one of my best friends, who will tell me the truth - which will help me know if I need to call my guy and see what we can do. *cough, cough* Then maybe Chaplian the Kid will pray for me, I really need it (the world is too much with me today). sigh *cough, cough*

The plan - false bravado....... wait, that's what I do on Sunday to face church. UGH, no relief. I'm thinking the monastary Laughing Pastor mentions would do me good, well, maybe a convent would be better, given my anatomy. Suck it up, suck it in. Life goes on. At least I HAVE hair and that's more than some can say. So my friend, you're up, and I know you know who you are.... oh mouthy one!!!!