Culture

Today I triaged a child from a middle Eastern country. The parents didn't speak English well but had a male friend with them that spoke some English. It was very interesting noticing some of the things that were done. I'm sure they were Muslin, wife had her head covered and the fact they were Arabic.

When I took the child's temperature, we do it rectally at that age and she was there for fever, the friend stepped out of the room to not see her bottom. I usually don't expose that much of the patient if I can help it so I thought that was interesting. This isn't a big deal, but it does make me wonder if because we are so casual about such things if we don't set ourselves up for the lack of privacy that we have in the US.

I'm not about to convert, I don't want to live under that much law. But I think sometimes we criticize things that are different without looking at the value they might have.

Of course, lets finish the story. I went to get the baby some Tylenol and as I was giving it to her, she showed me how angry she was at me. She barfed all over me.

One other thing. They were confused when I told them the temperature. I finally realized I needed to give it to them as I took it, in Celsius. The friend kept saying, "37?" I was like, 39, she's sick.

Discord

I hate discord. I hate doing stupid things. I did something stupid today and it lead to discord.

Seems like it's not difficult to do, stupid things. I make fun of strangers for those things. I try to be gracious, but sometimes we are overwhelmed with stupidity and it just comes out. Also, it's what makes things fun in the ER. Otherwise, how many accidents would we really see?

I feel bad, I've said I'm sorry. I will try not to do it again. I figure I'll do something stupid again, hopefully not something that irritates my son. I wonder sometimes if others try not to hurt us as much as we try not to hurt them.

Oh well. Really feeling dismal today. Sorry.

Maybe It's Over

Normally I like to write and be cheerful, but not today. A few weeks ago my son's girlfriend of several years broke up with him. There was no fight, they are still friends, and there is no other guy. I have no problem with her reasons, I understand. For awhile, I thought maybe this would make them realize how much they need each other and they might even become more serious. It was difficult to let go.

I dearly love this girl. But maybe it is over. This is very hard for me.

I saw her today, for a long time I couldn't imagine our life without her. I still can't. But I can see that maybe it's over.

That's it. I think I just needed to write it to make it real.

Still Here

Got out of the habit of writing and want to keep the blog active. Life is always interesting, but I'll write it another day.

Grace

So in this world where we have so little time and patience for each other, I found my own little parable. We have three cats: Martin Luther, Gracie, and Ellie. Each of these cats has come to us after being rescued. Ellie was found at the vets office, she was cute and adorable. Our dog at the time kept sniffing her and wanting to see her while we were there for a visit. I brought her home as joke with every intention of returning her.... and here she is. Gracie was found in a cemetery, we found a home for her but the people were not very caring, she was returned to us fearful of humans and pregnant. It has taken years to get her where she will willingly come out for attention. And then there is ML. He was treed by our dogs, but they seem to love him. The biggest dog even will pick the kitten by the scruff of the neck to move away from something Harrison doesn't think he needs.

The parable: Gracie and Elie absolutely hate the kitten! There is no grace for the new kitten. It reminds me of how we as Christians treat each other. We forget that we too were saved by grace and that we too have not fully walked out our redemption. I just find it interesting.

Introducing: Martin Luther

The day we celebrated Christmas our dogs brought us a present. We weren't exactly excited, they had treed a kitten. The affirmed "cat hater" in my house is the one that retrieved it from the tree and brought it inside. I knew this was not going to go well.

For the first couple of weeks, we danced around the naming issue, since we were hoping to send it back to it's real owner. My husband in particular wanted to send it back, yet even though he was off work during that time, only one "Is This Your Cat" poster got put up. So the kitten remains.

We have two dogs (with long furry tails) and two other cats (with long furry tails) that have not exactly welcomed the new one home. But personality wise this kitten could care less about established protocols (which cat lives in which room, or when the people read the cat that gets to be in the lap), he just does what he wants. So the naming began.

Here are some of the suggestions: John Piper, MacArthur, Augustus of Hippo (I kinda liked this one, but didn't know how to explain to people the history of the name), Calvin (again, I really liked, but it brought up images of Calvin and Hobbes - and that is another case where most people didn't know the background), Newton, Wesley (totally rejected - must not be Calvinist enough), Wilberforce (again, I like it). This should tell you a lot about the people in my house. The final name: for his firey termperment, his commentment to tearing down the establishment, his zeal - Martin Luther (to be called Luther).

After my final 16 weeks of homeschool are complete, I must read up on church history.

12 Days of Christmas

To those of you who do not know, my husband and I are now attending an Anglican church. This is a massive change for us, one that has shocked a few people. Now, I'm really enjoying it, they do the "crossy" thing, you know, where they cross themselves, they don't properly dunk people, they splash water on them for baptism, they exercise during church with all the up and down kneeling, and they have a "fake" break - what they call sharing the peace, we would call intermission (or meet and greet). There are other things, but I'm still sorting it all out. As you can already tell, this is like the Beverly Hillbillies going to big church.

Recently the pastor did a class that he called something like "the Holy Spirit at reveals Christmas" sadly I don't remember the real name because I called it "Advent for Dummies." I had no idea we as Baptist (or whatever I really was) had not been doing things right (not that the pastor in any way implied this - remember who is writing this letter). But anyway, on with why you are getting this. Much to my delight this past Sunday I discovered that we celebrate the 12 days of Christmas. Now, I had to miss the last Advent for Dummies class, so I don't know why or anything, but it did mean that we get an extra two weeks of Christmas caroles and lights. I'm all in favor of that. Then to top it all, we got this great handout that explains the song. I thought that some of you might (in all seriousness) like this and want to be more in tune with what you are singing about. So here it is:

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" was written in England as one of the "catechism songs" to help young Christians learn the tenets of their faith. The songs gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The "true love" mentioned in the song doesn't refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God Himself. The "me" who recieves the presents refers to every baptized person. The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. In the song, Christ is symbolically presented as a mother partridge which feigns injury to decoy predators from her helpless nestlings, much in the memory of the expression of Christ's sadness over the fate of Jerusalem.

2 Turtle Doves - the Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens - Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds - Four Gospels and / or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings - first Five Books of the Old Testament, the Pentateuch which gives the history of man's fall from grace
6 Geese A laying - the six days of Creation
7 Swans A swimming - the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids a milking - the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing - the nine Fruits of the Spirit
10 Lords A leaping - the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping - the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming - the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed.

So... there you have it. Now what will be running through your head the next time you hear the song? I thought this was neat and wanted to pass it along. Of course, sadly, the church has no idea (but they will soon - we're going to attend the newcomer's class) what they have let in the door. Other's may think it, sadly, I will probably say it....

Christmas - a bit late

I haven't written in forever. See, one of the child units got married and I've been a bit busy. We are very excited, love the girl. There was no loss involved. He will continue to grow as a man and we have gained a new member of the family. I'm excited.

Tonight we did Christmas, yes, late. There was no tree, no decorations. The house is still recovering from the blessings of the showers and all the other gifts that were given. There was no room for decorations. However, I don't think we could have been more joyous! The youngest was probably the funniest, but then, there was competition. Two gifts were rigged with explosives, but then you weren't sure after that first one. The neglected middle child wrapped a gift in a duck tape, with pictures drawn on. All in all it was great fun. We gave them gifts from their childhood: chocolate for chocolate milk, lego's, and toy skateboards (each had money attached for clothes) and then other gifts.

That's it for now, just felt like I negected all.

Duh

So I think I've met the dumbest parents yet. I can't imagine this one being topped. The parents come in (I'm in triage) with their two week old baby. According to them, the baby had an episode earlier in the evening where "she didn't breathe for a whole minute and was as red as a tomato." Okay, plausible..... but the usual color would be blue, not red. Sadly, they kept talking. Seems the whole story is that the doctor told her that the baby was a week premature, when actually the baby was two weeks premature. (for those not in the know, this baby is fully cooked). The problem they had was that "no one assessed the baby's lungs before birth or after" and they wanted it done. They watch TLC and know that what they need is an amniocentesis. I'm sure my readers will know that they are, oh, at least two weeks late for this procedure and the lungs would have been assessed with a stethoscope (similar to what I did in front of them) prior to leaving the hospital after birth.

We admitted the baby. I think it was to protect it for a few hours but you never know. After waiting in the ER for several hours for the admission team to come, the baby's daddy got mad and said they wanted to go home. Reassurance was given, and they went to the floor shortly after. When the nurse that took them to the floor returned, she was flustered. Seems when they got there, then the daddy threw a fit to go home. DUH, you're already there...... stay awhile.

I know people get frustrated and don't realize that the wait to go to the floor in this hospital really isn't that bad. I was used to seeing some folks be in the ER a day or two at times, so a few hours to me wasn't bad. Anyway.....

Memories

Funny how they catch you off guard. Worded last night, didn't eat supper, just some pretzel goldfish (yeah, they're really good). So I went to breakfast. The hospital where I work is across the freeway from the office complex where my dad worked the whole time we lived in this state, 1965 until he retired. When I was a kid, he would sometimes take me to the office, and then we would go to lunch at the hospital cafeteria (the food was really good back then).

This morning, as the sun was new over the complex, as I sat and ate my breakfast, many memories of my dad washed over me. I have so missed them both lately. It's invaded my dreams, my waking hours....

One of my fears is that I won't be remembered for who I really am. I hope I am remembering my parents in the way they would want. I remember a lot of fun, I think of how my dad would react to the news of the day, my mom in my work. It's painful, yet peaceful.

I think I need some sleep. What I would like right now is a medically induced heavy sleep, however the best I got is Tylenol PM and herbs. I'm guessing chocolate wouldn't help.

The Problem With Boys

I love my sons, dearly. However sometimes I long for a girl. It's time for school to start and first let me remember the days when I would order the new books for the year, the workbooks, the reading books (for those out of the loop we home school). The books would come and I would thumb through them, thinking about how much fun we would have as we did the workbooks.... yes, my imagination ran away with me. Alas, these boys, each of them, their idea of "color the balloon red if it has a vowel in it" was to draw a single line of red in it. Never fully coloring the balloons, or whatever. Now, I could have "beat" them into submission, but that wasn't the point. They never liked the new stuff, they never liked school, they never liked reading. Buying school supplies for them was an exercise in "I don't care."

Today I went shopping for a few things we need for our last year of school. I wandered around the store, looking at all the really cool stuff. But every folder I looked at, well, all I could think of was that he really doesn't care what it looks like unless it looks girly, then he deeply cares.

I just don't understand, guess I never will. Maybe there will be grandchildren, girls....... but I probably won't understand them either......

*sigh*

The Bugman

So I really need to know if I'm the only one. When the bugman is scheduled to come, my house gets cleaned more than any other time. Which is sad. We really don't have bugs, well, currently there is a crop of fleas. But that's because of the cats and their inability to get rid of said fleas. Compared to what the bugman probably sees other places, we really aren't that bad.

I really liked the last bugman, he was in seminary. Don't know this new one yet. Hopefully we won't have to see too much of him. In my state it didn't get very cold this winter so the mosquitoes and fleas have been horrible this year. Actually I've seen a lot of june bugs in the house, and I don't understand that. Maybe the kids are standing at the door with it open welcoming the critters in.

Just curious. Have busted my butt today cleaning, I'm tired and grouchy now. Frankly, a glass of wine would be so nice, but it might involve me getting dressed and going out to get it. Not there yet. Oh well. There's always tomorrow......

The Bright Idea

I had an ideal. Been thinking about it for a couple of weeks. It just wouldn't go away. You know how it is, and then every time I looked at the "victim" it just seemed to get better and better in my mind.

So today was the day. Should only take a few minutes. I figured I could do it before 1) the victim caught on and 2) I ran to get my hair done.

I gathered the needed supplies. Dog/cat shampoo (purchased yesterday for the occasion), a towel, the sink was clean, the cat was caught. She was so excited, I was going to pet her. I had run about an inch of water in the sink, figuring that would be enough. I gently placed said cat into the water. That was when things began to go downhill. First, the cat said "no" then "no' louder. Now, she is declawed on the front paws, but not the back. The back legs flashing, she was able to pull the drain and get the water out. Round 1 to the cat. I suggested nicely to my spouse that maybe he could help me a bit. He really didn't want to get involved, but did grab the cellphone camera. Got the drain placed back in the sink, more water un, spouse conceded to opening the shampoo for me. Round 2: me.

Don't know if you've ever bathed a cat before (I have, wasn't this bad on the previous cat) but you kinda have to be quick. Okay, it's an understatement. Real quick. However, I needed the fleas to get bathed as well, so I tried to extend this one out some. Round 3: cat.

Next is rinsing the cat. Oh, need I add that the cat is not being still by any sense of the imagination. She is all over the sink and counter - picture a bucking bull with me having one hand on the cat and the other trying to do the washing and/ or rinsing. Many times she was totally in the air or on me while I was trying to gently return her to the sink. Round 4: me - I got her rinsed.

I stuffed her into the towel, wiped as much as I could, and put her in another room. I had not really planned on a shower, but the cat didn't quite get all of me, so I went to shower. I guess the summation would be from the hair dude: "what happened to your hair?"

The cat is still pretty mad. The other cat is hiding. I'm thinking... the other cat drinks from the commode. I may just push her in, squirt shampoo in, flush a couple of times and be done with it.

You know, I've had no energy since then, wonder why......

The Birthday

The future daughter in law was here for the weekend and we celebrated her birthday!! Cannot describe how much we love this girl, she is everything we could want for our son.

You must understand that over the years for every birthday one of my friends has been to pretty much every party. Besides the fact that we like her, she can sing Happy Birthday on key. As the boys have gotten older, we have joked about no one in our house singing the song because, well the boys are happy to have cake. Another thing is that my children are a bit, well, conservative in their emotions at home. They are happy with cake and presents and that has made it easy for me.

So Saturday at 11pm we are finally all home to eat cake and do presents (spouse and I crawled out of bed for this). So as we are standing there looking at the cake I look at DIL and say, "we pretty much don't sing Happy Birthday." Son adds a comment in about how terrible we sound at singing. She gets this look on her face, and for unknown reasons I started singing the song. I'm thinking, I'll sing the first line, we'll laugh....... Okay, again, never had girls... they are foreign creatures..... she started dancing. I was shocked, kept singing. The boys stood there staring, mouths ajar. It was awesome!!!

I love this girl. She is bringing new stuff to our life daily!!!

Ear's and Twats

Yes, I know, "How could these possibly be related?"

Here's the story: I'm doing triage in the ER. A young lady comes in and tells me all about her earache, she's in pain, 10 out of 10, blah, blah, blah. My observations: she's flat faced, no visible signs of pain (yeah, I know, we aren't supposed to go by that), never touches her ear or that side of her face, totally calm as she talks. Fortunately for her, she's there early enough we can get her back right away. When the lady helping me takes her back to the room, she comes back and tells me, "You won't believe what just happened!! I took her back there, they pulled back the curtain and she then says, "Oh, I need to be checked for an STD." Seems the doc overheard and was none to pleased. I mean, that really doesn't constitute an emergency.

My response.....I didn't know ears and twats were related. NOW I know to ask if you have ear pain whether your twat hurts. Geez, people.

Do Your Job

When you go into healthcare there is one thing that we all know will happen at some point or another. We will have to pee in the cup. It may be for the initial job screening, it may be random, or it may be *gasp* because some idiot lost the narcotic (and yes, that idiot could be me, but it wasn't).

So this facility didn't seem to know what to do when the event happened, and although I asked several times about whether or not I needed to pee for them, I was told no, "you weren't in the room." I figure, heck, they know what they are doing. I was wrong and so were they. I was awakened to be told that yes, I had to pee when I came back the next shift. I work nights, so I started drinking extra around 5am, but my last trip to the bathroom was at 3am. Employee Health opened at 7:30, I figured since so many people were having to come it would be easy to get us done. Three of us showed up, actually one got there ahead of my friend and I, she left about 7:45. There's another girl in there for something else, we tell them we are there because of the missing narcotic. I offered that I hadn't peed since 3am. They offered us water. Now, wouldn't you think they knew we were there for a pee test from that. Thirty minutes later they tell us the girl has left to go get cups for us to pee in. I can not tell you how upset I was at that point, but I was trying to not make this any worse. So after an hour (again, we should now be off work, we've been up all night, etc) the girl comes out, she's upset saying, "I had no idea you guys were here for this." I looked at here and said, "But they brought us water and we told them." She was so upset that I couldn't be mad at her.

My point is this, those people that ignored us didn't consider the fact that we had been up, that we were totally inconvienced by other people not knowing policy. And while they sitting at their desk watching TV they were keeping us from going home after 12 hour shift. Anyway, never has peeing felt so good, nor has a drug test been so easy.

Prom

Tonight my youngest goes to prom. I'm waiting for the iron to warm up to iron the shirt with his suit. This is the boy that I just didn't see him doing prom. This is the "blonde" in every sense of the word. He's meeting the girl there, I think that was a her dad thing. But he realized today (even though I warned him some time ago) that we needed to get a corsage (did I mention it was at 12:45 this afternoon). But it's done.

He's a good kid, he'll have fun. These kids are all homeschooled, but their desire to do this right is high. I was there this afternoon watching them decorate. I never did prom, so it's all new to me. But I'm glad he'll go.

My babies are growing up.

Can't Sleep

Well, I haven't written in awhile. Life has been full of real life and when I have down time I've wasted it reading and all. Okay, some of it was watching Deadliest Catch. Worked the last three nights, sleep all day Wednesday, awake most of Wednesday night. Today I have PALS and I'm sure I'll catch all of it since I haven't slept.

The new job? I love it. I think it's the inherit good nature of children. I hear all the time: I couldn't do that. But I think it's good that I can. Why? Because someone has to do it and I believe that I can make it a better experience. If not that, at least I care about them.

Yes, we have "beat your baby" and what makes people want to have sex with little ones is beyond me. But I can still show good love to the victims. It is heart breaking when the little one looks at you and you know what they've been through and then they say, "I don't like shots." The tone was flat. The nurse drawing the blood almost cried. It took nothing to hold her still, because she has been so abused. I could do it, but my first inclination was to hold her and love on her. To show her that not everyone that enters her life will abuse her. No, I didn't cry. Sometime I think I will. But the gentleness that we could give MAYBE overrode the horror in her.

Then there are the parents...... Yes, I feared them when I started. But you know, most of them just want you to help their child. They can overreact, but you calm them. You show them you care. And apparently you can't kill them for being stupid or unkind (I asked). I've asked a lot about some of these parents, but I guess we give kids out to just about anyone. It has been nice though when the parent tells you how much they appreciate the care you've given.

But the best is just being with the kids. The babies.... the toddlers....... the teens..... the tweens..... Each has their own special joy. Last night the kid was being worked up for a possible appendectomy. He could out talk any girl I've met. We were all relieved when the drugs made him sleepy, But he was curious, must have not been in the hospital before. But then there are those that know everything we're going to do to them, and they somewhat accept it. Not always. Somedays it seems like they walk (or roll) in and "the fight is on baby."

There are many stories. During the day I think about what I could write but then I'm just wiped out. So if you come to my work (and I hope you don't need to) and we're busy or short or whatever, know that we care. It's a good group that is taking care of your kids. We really do like them, and I think you can see it when we interact with them.

Sleep

I feel like a baby...... I've got my days and nights mixed up. I'm not sure what happened, each day it's been a different reason. I'm tired, can't sleep. I hate doing productive work when I can't sleep and there are other things I could be doing. I have a book I should be reading, it's due in two days. I have reading for work, I have reading for the kids school.

Last night I cuddled up with, oh this is sad, not my sleeping spouse, my stuffed disney animal and my ipod. The ipod is charging, I'm sick of TV, so methinks I'll break it back out in a minute.

Ideas? Thoughts? Yeah, I usually sleep when stressed, so either I'm stress free HA!!! or I don't know. Anyway, TV is dragging. Off to sleep? or at least listen to music.

How to Know they accept you........

I've been at the new job a few weeks now and I do love it!!!! Kids are awesome. So one of the first things that you wonder about when you take a new job is "how will I know if they like me?" Now, I've come from a place where I believe I was fairly well know and had a good amount of friends. So I was worried about the new place.

First there was the fact that my preceptor actually let me hang around him when we were at break or lunch (he also showed me the cafeteria - which was very important). You might say that "it's his job to show you those things" and that would be true, but I've worked around some folks that weren't that kind. Then there was the gradual letting me in conversations, groups didn't break up when I got close, those things. But the big clue........ they showed me the secret bathrooms! Two of them. Yes, you might wonder at this, but these are important things to know (particularly if you have a shy elimination system). Another major clue is when they start picking on you, and of course, that is so important to me.

Today / tonight I start nights. I'm nervous, but heck, I start with a bang! It's a full moon and there's going to be an eclipse!!! How awesome is that???? I'm pumped. Well, things to do........

Happiness is......

A cup of warm, smooth, hot chocolate from Starbucks on a cool day when you are cleaning house. It's in the same area as calgon, a good bottle of wine, Tootsie rolls when stressed.

As I sit here and sip on the chocolate, some of the cares of the week are melted away. Instead of the holding the baby down for the IV, I remember the 20 minutes or so of just touching the baby, calming his fears, giving him the pacifier and rejoicing in how wonderful these things are.

Simple things in life. Isn't that what makes it good. It's not the big things, it's the little things. Why do you keep going? For days I've dreamed of hot chocolate. I do wish I could like sit and read for a bit, but I'll take what I can get. Now, back to work.

Roof Fish

For anyone that reads Pearls Before Swine you will know what a Roof Fish is. For those who have not been exposed, well, I am sorry, this is one of the funniest cartoons around. Anyway, the concept is that there are these two "roof fish" that are trying to catch the other characters in the strip by luring them onto fish hooks with beer, pizza, etc. That's the background.

I'm one of those females that isn't real frilly. Now, I'm all woman, let me tell you. However, some things just allude me. I've been in church things for many years, and have been able to avoid any sort of women's retreats or such things. However we are now in a very small church and I'm kinda involved with the women. Actually I'm still not sure how that happened, but I do enjoy it.

I'm known for not really listening to all the details. I frequently say that it's a bad thing if you have my full attention. So what I heard was "come at 6:30 for pizza," what was said was, "come at 6:30 for pizza and to plan the women's retreat." There is a difference, as noted by my total shock when I ended up helping to plan this event while at the same time trying to figure out a way to NOT attend. (BTW, it will be nice, with a crafty project to book). Due to my, how can I say this, underwhleming noted shock and dismay, I will be given my own special stuff (basically undecorated book - they weren't stamping things evenly and I was horrified).

I have overcome a lot, I am now at the point where every cell in my body is NOT screaming "don't go" to a mild resistance. Fortunately the leader of this has been understanding and realizes it has nothing to do with her. I think she is somewhere between amused and stumped as to why this is. If I knew, I would tell her, however I have no clue. And now to see what else is going on.

You Know It's Bad When.....

You know it's bad when everyone in the room during the code stops, looks at you, and pretty much in unison say, "You need a shower!" because of what has just happened.

As it turns out, during my next to last week in my job I had an adventure. They called a code up on the floor, I run up there to find that this has just started. I was thrilled to see an old friend intubating, another friend from the rapid response team was also there. I was able to slip up close to the head in order to push drugs through the (thank you Jesus) central line and basically just be back up. There was a large group of people in the room, most of whom were just observing and being wall flowers. As things go it was a difficult intubation, this guy is very experienced, but sometimes you just have a patient that isn't in the best of condition, so to speak. This patient actually looked about 20 years older than he was, turned out he was a cancer patient. So what happened???? Well, my friend finally got the pt intubated and when he did, well, things spewed out of the tube that was pointed at me. I would say that the first shot nailed me pretty well, straight across the chest, but the follow up shot sealed it. We finished the code and I looked at the house supervisor and told her that I wanted to go home to shower, she was fine with it. EVERYONE in the room kept staring at me and mumbling things about "thanks for blocking me" or "you know there's a shower in the ER", nice supportive colleges these.

I did go home and shower. Sometimes these things basically come down to if you don't do it you will smell the stuff even if you change clothes. I feel like I'm going out with a bang but if nothing else the memories should be, well, memorial.

Policy, Folicy

As previously stated, I'm leaving my current job. Because of my job position, I must give four weeks notice. Fine, no problem. I even volunteered to work through Christmas when I didn't have to. I just didn't feel right about leaving my co-workers in a jam.

There is one hitch though. They pay you for 1/2 your vacation/sick/off time that you have saved up. I need that money. But if you call in during the notice time you don't get it. I understand why that policy is in place, face it, many people would just go ahead and not work. However I rarely call in. It's been over a year since the last time. And I got sick. Sore throat, yucky pus pockets visible on my throat, snot everywhere. You would be amazed how much snot a grown woman can produce. The stuff was coming out of everywhere. Then there was the coughing, sneeezing, and sadly, yes peeing under pressure!!! It was a long two days..... one patient was healthy than I was, the other didn't care (intubated and sedated). The infectious disease guy was mumbling about using lots of alcohol wash after being around me. I thought they should have called in hazmat. I have the nicest co-workers..... the guy that came in and followed me finished up my work (at least he said he would) so I could go home. Methinks he did it to get me out so they could spray the area down. I didn't care..........

Books, Open or Otherwise

The sudden desire to change jobs has caused quite an uproar amonst my friends and has led to some interesting comments. Let me give you a touch of background first: you should know that I'm in my late 40's, have only been an RN for 5 years and this was a late decision. Prior to that I had stayed home with the kids, homeschooling and well, brainwashing them. Seems I was quite successful, they are all extremely conservative. But what many do not know is that from the time I was in the 2nd grade I wanted to be an elememtary school teacher. I was three years into the program when I stopped because I was fed up with the mindset of the education people. I am pro homebirth, homeschool, and parental control. I am strong about families and children having a two parent home (okay, we all know there are some that should be split up, and I know all about abusive stuff, I'm talking about in a perfect world with semiperfect families). I believe being a daddy is the most important role a man can have and that we should help make that possible. Oh, and if I could do anything in the world for a job, I would write and edit children's books. I love their literature and will need to refresh myself with "research" for the kids on the job. You also need to know (or could be TMI) that I wear Eeyore on my stetoscope, have Eeyore undies, have Eeyore as the screen saver on my phone, Eeyore went on vacation with me, I mean, Eeyore is ever with me. When I'm stressed Eeyore snuggles with me.

So what I'm hearing at work is (well, besides abandoning my friends): you don't even like kids, I can't see you with kids, you're going to hate it...... That's the jest of what is being said. I can understand the bets on how soon before I take a parent outside and smack them, I'm in that pool.

Which now brings me to my point: we really don't know most of our friends. We only know the part of them that is presented publically. Of course, no one really knows our hearts, or if they do, it's only a small part. I suppose none of my work friends knew my past well. My new church friends don't know either of these sides, and a few of my old friends know more, but they don't know my work self.

I know I only present certain parts, I don't think I could take the review or judgement for most anyone to know all of me. Then I also realize I don't see all of them either. You see them out with their kids and it's like, amazing to see how they are different. I enjoy that part of being friends, it's like peeling back the layers.

Here's the thing, I know it's hard to let go. There is one or two I really worried about. I'm not that good, but I am dependable. I love these people dearly, and I'm thinking this is similar to what we do for our kids (or so I hear, mine are still at home) in that we have to let them go and try their wings. I'm afraid, probably more so then my friends. It's scary to change. But I have the solid roots that they are part of. And I know the friends will remain friends. Love is the stuff that keeps us togehter.

Change is in the Air

I have spent the last five years in a job that I love. Maybe that's an understatement. One friend tells me (and he's a chaplain so he should know) that I have "work boundary issues." In a recent interview I stated as a strongpoint my "taking ownership" of all jobs I've worked. So it has been a huge surprise that I have announced my departure not only from my department, but also the company.

While I hope I'm not overstating my importance, I have overall been a good employee and have a wide net of aquintances thoughout the hospital. I worked in the ED while in nursing school for two years and met many people, then in my current job where I just extended the base of friendship. It was a very difficult decision to get to this place where I could leave. And I'm hoping that overall since I'm totally changing fields that it will not be seen as "abandoning" this place. I will say, overall, I would take my family there for care, and know that they will get good care.

So what happened? Where am I going? A little over a year ago it was planted in my brain about an AIDs orphange in South Africa that my son supports. I've heard of mission trips for years, even tossed about going, yet never did. I can do a lot of good by raising the funds to send those younger and in better health for that. But this stirred my heart. It's not a direct quote, but John Piper basically says that retirement isn't for us to sit around in, and that has hit a nerve. I told a friend last night, and she was like so you're going to South Africa? I don't know. What I know is that it put a desire to seek God about what should I do? Is there more to my life than just taking care of these adults?

Then came the catalyst. My beloved boss, friend, and co-worker (for she did that as well) had an opportunity that she couldn't say no to. Then she was trying to get me to go with her, and while I loved her for that, it was not something in my heart to do. But it made me consider, what do I want, where do I want to go from here? Now you must realize, I hardly ever search the want ads, throw aways all the offers to "come join our team", so I really didn't know what to do. A friend had just made the move to the ER at the local children's hospital and I began to consider that.

I applied to two jobs, one ER, one heart team. Now I love the heart, really love the heart. I could envision myself on the heart unit, but there was one huge obstacle. I would have to work weekend option and I don't want that. I applied to see how long, would it, could it work. But it would have taken a year to get off weekend option. I really, really wanted that job but it wasn't the time for that. The ER like hadn't called, so I asked while I was there. Seems I had applied for the wrong job. But we got that worked out and then they didn't call. I finally resolved to myself that I needed to make things right where I was, make sure my attitude was good and just continue until I felt God move. Then the ER called. Now, at work, on here I seem very confident, but in that first interview I was HORRIBLE. They offered me the job but not based on my personality. But when I interveiwed in the ED it was totally different. I hit it off with the lady, I was relaxed, she was able to see the real me and she still liked me. As a friend later said, It was right.

So now I have given my notice. There was some kind of glitch and I must NOW apply for the job. Normally I would freak out about that, but I'm okay. I have to give four weeks notice anyway. The plan is to start the new job in January. I'm now reviewing kidlet anatomy, diseases, and movies (must keep up with what interest them). I'm terrified, yet excited.

So ends this post and begins a new chapter.

Princess

Went to see Enchanged today. Took a princess with me. See, I've always had boys, grew up around boys, never around that many girls. So this was a real treat. She's 7, carries a purse, blanket and uses her thumb. It was awesome, the movie was good too.

I'm going to have to upgrade my mental abilities with little ones with the new job. I suspect I may need to borrow the princess again for movies, I mean, how can I relate to kidlets without seeing their movies and all things relavant to their lives? I'm excited! Frankly, I'm not sure that this world of all adult stuff is that great. Adults are way to serious. Consider those around me that don't understand why Eeyore goes places with me, or the adventures he often takes. Consider those that never see the fun in the world. It's not that you ignore "real life" its that you can only survive what you overcome. I overcome with humour, with love and hopefully with kindness.

I fear the change, but then, maybe I'll drive a sword into a dragon (or bus) and maybe I could sing a note or two (yeah, right) and get the mice to clean the house. But maybe I'll sing to myself and make the cleaning pass easier. And maybe we can defeat a real dragon and make the world better for those kidlets.

If not, maybe the princess will let me borrow a corner of her blanket. I have my own thumb (or tootsie pop).

Walking Away

It's a great job, I really wanted it. At this point money isn't the issue and that really played no part in my decision. But to be able to work with "slimy sacks of snot" would be so nice. Tail pullers, germ factories, nose pulling, eyeglass smearing..... how many names there are for them..... little ones, tots, peds, floor grazers. Yes, I want that. I want to work with someone that they don't have to appreciate what I do, they are the gift.

I had to walk away and say no. It was hard. Not sure I've every done it before. I had more peace about doing this than I've had in awhile. Now however, as I get ready to go to work, my stomach is churning, I'm already stressed and I haven't even dried my hair.

But I can't give up Sunday. Not now, maybe another time and place. Maybe today I'll go up to the neo-mates in my hospital and see them. Touching would be wonderful. Bablies are so healing, even the snotty ones.

The tears are coming again, hopefully cleansing. My thoughts need purification towards my current work and co-workers, okay, the administrative team more than anyone. Need to reread James 3, master the tongue and the thought. No problem, should be a snap!

Have a good one, pray that somewhere today I can see one of the babies, touching would be nice.

Best Story Ever

There is one thing about medicine, it's hard to make up some of the things that we see. So I will tell you one of the best stories ever!!! Think about sudden cardiac arrest, that kills a fair number of people in the US. Here are the important things to remember: sudden death.

So here you are, you wake up, not feeling so good, you want to call into work, but your spouse won't let you. You go in, it's a good job, one in which you get to help a lot of people, in fact you are a dispatcher for the ambulance company in a moderate sized city. Actually, you are also a paramedic. So you're sitting at your desk, on the radio when...... nothing..... fortunately for you, your coworker sees you fall over, immedately starts CPR, a couple of other coworkers come in because they were bringing back an AED that had just been serviced. That AED is now being used on you! They toss you in the ambulance, take you to the ER, where you are intubated, taken to the cath lab and the vessels are fixed. The time here is impressive, we all know you. In the unit you are well cared for and even though you are in cardiogenic shock there was a wonderful outcome and a few days later you are sitting in the cafeteria eating the yucky food.

This is what AED's are made for. It was cool. I love my job.

Hang On!!!

They said, "Hang on, it will get better!" We did, and it almost did. They said we would get staff, they said that they would help us, they even said they would put on uniforms and help us. Who in the hell are they, cause they didn't show up, neither did they help, neither did more staff (okay, technically we got some new ones but then some good ones left).

Vacation didn't help, oh, and I haven't even been back to work yet. I got calls on vacation, which I didn't mind, but I worry so about my friends on staff. I hadn't been off the plane 12 hours before I got the first call to come in. This wasn't one of those where they called just to see, there was pressure involved. Today I got the 3rd resignation, from a friend. He even called me at home and told me, which I am so grateful for. Actually I knew he would go, I was just hoping it would take a while before it happened. But then, I think that it was the best decision for him.

Our supervisior has only been gone 1.5 weeks and we are a mess. I'm sick at my stomach, angry (remember, I haven't worked yet). I guess I wonder, how much more are they going to hit us with? And do I need to go ahead and get my resume together, actually it wouldn't hurt to brush it off, I tend to piss off those over my head so I may be on the hit list as well.

I loved my job, I love my friends, I love the unit, but I'm afraid. (for those that work with me, I'm having a faithless moment - it will be okay). And there is the rub. This hospital is not my source. Again, this hospital is not my source. It is a paycheck. My heart is for the patient, and I get frustrated when I see things hinder patient care. But then, there are problems at every other hospital in town, just maybe not the same ones I see. As the ex-boss would say, "this too will pass..." Please, soon.

Vacation and Change

Sunday we leave for vacation. I need it. Between PMS and my boss, who has been the best boss I have ever had, leaving I'm in a mess. I've worked for her for a little over 5 years. We are friends, not just at work, but friends. The only thing I've never really clued her in on is this blog. Otherwise, we're fairly open with things (wonder if she has one that talks about us, hmmm). Anyway, she got a promotion. A co-worker put it like this, "I love you_____ but I'm mad at you right now." I have worked myself into being sick over it. We are excited for her, this is an opportunity that is just unreal. But again, we are very grieved. At this time we don't know who will take her place, there is one that would probably be very good, keep the best of our unit and make some changes that would be positive. Otherwise, I worry.

So, is it a time for a change? Job or even place of employment? I hear things that make me wonder about the ability of this place to continue to function as is. But then, we are a major player in the state. Happiness comes from within, and I am content within. But the questions are still there. Where can I have a positive impact and do the best for my family as well. My hospital doesn't pay as well as others, but money isn't everything. I am very sure that the hospital isn't my source. Things to ponder.

We are going to San Francisco and the surrounding area. I should be wonderful. Neither of us have ever been there. I have drugs for the flight (the noise on the plance bothers me, as do people sitting by me, as do close quarters), books and my iPod. Anyway, I have a trip to plan. I will be checking here so any thoughts are welcome.

Death

What is it that you see in their eyes as they are about to die? I can't explain it. We had a lady die today that had been moved to the unit because she wasn't doing well. Three hours later she was made a no code. I was called into the room by the other nurses to help out. We did various things for a few minutes but as I was watching her I was still aware that her skin color was mottled around her neck. I found out that she had a PE and probably several. She bacame very short of breath and we were considering intubation when the doctor talked to the husband and they made the decision not to procede.

But as she lay there, she looked me in the eyes as I was stroking her face. I asked, "Are you in pain?" and she tried to tell me something, but it was the eyes. I still don't know what I saw. It will haunt me. We did bring her husband in and she died holding his hand.

I did tear, almost cry. Maybe I did cry. I don't know. I've seen this so many times, yet it always amazes me when you see the moment that they change spheres. I think it makes me less afraid. But the connection is so awesome between us at that moment.

Maybe I'll go to bed.

Overheard *with regards to Fat Doctor*

Do you know how much this weights?" Pt's mom to my boss, while looking at a 5# weight holding pressure on the pt.

Hmmmmm maybe 5 pounds.......

Sadly, mom fired me from the case, but in the same complaint she mentioned that they shouldn't allow all the nurses to change shifts all at once...... Yeah, we should trickle in ovrer a few hours....... good one that.

New Things

Well, the Eagles said it best, they would reunite when Hell freezes over, hence the name of the return alblum. So we said about being part of a church that was just starting up, never again!! Yet, you feel a breeze here??? The church we had been attending fell apart earlier this year. There are still some people attending but it will never be the same. There are many things that could be said about it, but I've said a lot previously and there are people there that I still care about and I don't want to hurt them with anything that I might say that would offend them.

But the new thing, it's been fun. What!! Church fun! Yes, it's not all gnashing of teeth and naysaying. When you have a heart to love one another, to build up one another, it can be fun. Sure there will come a day when fun things aren't done, but for now we are enjoying one another and rejoicing in the freedom of Christ. It's a mix of people (a very small group - had it been a church split we would have more people) which I find encouraging.

So I hope this is a good thing. I hope we have as good of reception in this town as the Eagles did when they returned. Alas, I shan't hold my breath on that one, but you can always hope. I have hope again that I can look forward to going to church and survive. If this folds at some point, I can honestly say that I gave my all to it and trust that God is looking out for me.

Socially Acceptable

You ever watch a little kid that sucks their thumb and holds a blanket? Don't they look peaceful? Methinks I would very much right now like a blankey (or Eeyore with a detachable tail), lay on my tummy with my butt up in the air, and do the thumb thing. It was a horrible day and I don't want to go back.... ever would be fine.

Methinks it's not okay to tell the family that "if you really think I'm giving *&%$$# care then maybe you should come up here and check on it yourself!"

And I'm really trying to work on not using bad language, but when I was giving report to the floor today it just oozed out, not about the pt, it was that the "pink sheet" only I didn't say sheet, I replaced the double ee's with an i. A couple of nurses almost fell out laughing. Then walking across the floor my crocs did the normal tripping me thing.......

The day went downhill from there. I can't describe it all. Okay, maybe a little more for your consideration. I took my pt up to the floor, while tucking her in the bed I heard the staff in the room across the hall start yelling for help. Maybe I should mention that I'm on the code team when I'm charge, anyway, at least I didn't have to run. I was there, start to finish. Anyway, the woman didn't do too bad, we intubated and sent her to a unit. The timing was great.

Have I mentioned that I don't, do not, want to go back tomorrow. Maybe they will let me work in the ER. I'll die of overwork, but at least they won't yell at me like my staff did today. Wait, no complaining. Off to bed, maybe watching Monk will help. Night.

Encouraging Words

Our census is low. Very Low. Staff was worried.

"They will come, they will come
The snot will flow and they will come."

or when asked where all our patients were....

"they are at home resting up for their heart attacks
and distress"

If we are patient, they will come and be our patients.......

Us or Them

We've had a pt in the unit for several months now, he has been a good patient, however as it sometimes happens, we can't fix everything. The wife reminded me today, I was there the day he came in, that he shouldn't have survived the first day. That he has made it this long is either a testament to stubborness or tenancity. I'm not sure if it was good or bad.

He died at shift change.

The family was going to let him go tomorow, but sometimes God allows us to not make the decision. I really don't know that his wife could have handled it. I'm thankful that she doesn't have to walk down that road. Funny, we were going to call her and tell her that we were worried when she wasn't there today, and she walked in as the nurse was calling her cell phone. We all hugged her, we knew the time was coming, just not sure when. The nurses were at the bedside, day shift and night shift together to bid him farewell and to go on. We all knew that it would be better for him, all that met this man knew he was a special person. I'm proud to have cared for him and the family.

As the wife hugged me, it hit me: are we comforting them, or they us?

"I Used To Do Drugs, I Still Do, But I Used To Too"

However, these days the drugs are Maalox, Crestor, and Metformin. Mitch Hedberg is one of the funniest comics I've ever heard. Sadly, he died a few months ago, heart condition. Mitch is not for the ones with virgin ears, he comes out of the drug culture, similar to how I feel about Cheech and Chong.

Last weekend I watch a bunch of stuff on TV about rock culture and the drug years of the 60's and 70's. I found that it brought back memories and feelings that I would rather not be reminded of. At my advanced age, I probably dwell to much on what might have been. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people. There are days I would love to sit in a dark room, drink Crown and listen to Pink Floyd or Clapton doing the blues. Then there are the days that I am devoted to reading the Bible and music that is along that genre. Can the two co-habitate? Methinks yes, but then I feel guilty about that. But then, by the time I went and bought the crown and found the CD the mood would probably pass, and finding a quite place in the house is almost nonexistant. Oh well. I could eat Ben and Jerry's and stare at the fish......... Almost the same effect and about the same level of sin for me. (not the fish, the ice cream)

Thinking of the fish, maybe I'm like my neons, one of them is always away from the others... did they push him away, is he thinking, does he want to be friends with the angel tetras? So many things to wonder.

Diversity

Went to a Hispanic grocery store today. Methinks I was the only caucasian in the place. It was most interesting, beautiful layout, the various rows of peppers, vegatables, bins of beans. It was very interesting. As I walked the aisles I remembered once when my youngest was a newborn. I had signed my other boys up for swimming lessons at the only place I could really afford at the time. It was at an inner city YMCA. We were the only white people there and all the little girls would come up to the baby and want to touch him. It was really sweet. Once I asked the three year old if he noticed anything different about his instructor (I was actually inquiring about his name "Boo") but I was pleased that his answer was that Boo's swimming suit was green.

Alas, I didn't buy much there. I realized (yeah, it was my inner blond coming out) that I wasn't finding what I wanted to cook for my stirfry at the hispanic store. I just chalked this one up to exploration, but I know where to find the best peppers in town.

Duh

Prior to giving a shot to a twenty year old: You gonna stab me with that!!!!!

Dumb look on my face: Yeah.

Aren't you gonna push it in slow???

Flat expression: I can, but it will hurt a whole lot more.

I.... I ..... I guess let me look away before you stab me.

Sadly enough, I did stab her (so to speak) and she basically didn't feel it. It was only a tetnus shot, nothing like an antibiotic that actually would hurt. Good Grief, get out of my ER.

Joy

Thanks Fat Doctor for sharing this. After a hard day at work (or whereever) this is good.

The Waiting Room

Had to go to the breast surgeon today. The year after my mother died I had my baseline mammogram which showed a lump. This was properly disposed of a month later (Christmas holidays were rough that year) with a laser procedure. I now have yearly checkups with him. The funny thing with this doc is the routine: hug, grope, grope, hug. Now the grope is a very professional grope, he is well respected but if you have my sense of humour, well, what can I say. (All was well, by the well, same time next year).

I watch people: the waiting room had a mix of folks: those like me, by themselves, confident everything is fine; those with several support people that you know are not calm about this visit, and those kinda in between - scared but alone or not alone but maybe doing okay.

Waiting rooms are tense places, when I walk through the waiting room early in the morning to say hello to the guest reps the families look up but pay no mind. They know with my backpack on that I'm just another person. Later, should I walk out there, all eyes are on me. They look afraid: who will she pick? is it bad? Reminds me of the herd of animals with the lion picking one out. The other animals are running, no one stands by the one picked out. You feel the eyes on you, they all watch, even if they know they have never seen me in the unit they are in, they all watch.

I've forgotten about it before and gone out to see someone I knew, but not well. They were afraid when I came out and I forgot to ease the tension (family had no idea) until a few minutes passed. I felt bad. Anyway, interesting to watch.

The Party

Went to a surprise party tonight, the guy was actually surprised! It was a lot of the people from the church, whatever our church is now. One of my favourite things is watching people, and watching the other people watchers in the group. Example, the host of the group watches from across the room, and I loved watching his reactions to the folks. It was quite a mix of folks, and they know about the blog so this could be interesting.

The seniors that aren't that senior. Agewise, maybe, but I don't really see a seperation in us. They have more life experience, and when the karoke machine came out they went with a different group of songs (Beautiful Doll, When the Saints Go Marching In). But they sang early on and laughed at it and at us. The church had really been blessed with an awesome group of older folks, some of the ones I knew better have gone on to be with Jesus, and I wonder often had some of them been here if the church would have had some of the problems it does. I don't think so. Anyway, this is a fun lot that can teach us a lot.

The mids: I think that's me and a few others. One is particuarly interesting to me: she is surrounded by males, and she looks like she should have had girls to be on her side. At times she seems frail yet she keeps them in line. I actually came to know her more because her father, like mine, died in the unit I work in. I forget that at times when I laugh about being the angel of death, or at some of the things, but I think I did her right when her dad was a patient. This group has people that are serious about following the Lord and about doing things right. Yet they can have fun in a good way.

This group, including the ones that weren't there tonight, has come together out of necessity. They have quickly merged into people of action. I'm interested to see how this will work out. I hope that the relationships will last though.

Kids!!!

Don't ya love them??? Continuing sources of entertainment. My guys are 23, 20, and 17. All boys, all boy. I have found that if I just stay around them, hanging, I learn more about my kids than I could any other way. Picture this, one border collie being held facing forward by one boy, another tossing the ball to the dog for her to catch. Another is discussing why they should get a penguin as opposed to a weasel. I'm in shock at this point. Then they talk about how they could put a shark in my new aquarium to eat my tetras...... oh yeah, just kidding mom.

I'm talking about painting the house, they don't care what colour I paint their rooms, one just points at the colour chart while not looking! I don't get it..... They just want it done quickly so I'm not in their way.

I also was listening to them describe homeschool to someone. Basically they focused on how the youngest one always has one of the animals in his possession during school. The dog "answers" the questions the cat is usually forced to dance around. Could explain why the cat is so unhappy during the school year.

And yet I know I will miss them when they move out.

The Restaurant

Thanks to the drug company I was allowed in one of the better restaurants in my town. And let me say, I do thank them. The thing is, the owner of the restaurant grows the greens for his salads. What I don't understand is, why do we now leave the stems on the ends of the green things? And why am I eating stuff that reminds me of what I used to throw away out of the garden and eat out of the yard (haven't mentioned my fixation on imitating the horse, have I??) It was rather embarassing having the green stems hang out of my mouth while sipping on the very fine wine. And I wonder why my boss rarely takes me anywhere!!

It was fun, I appreciated learning the differences between cardene and nipride, both of which I am very comfortable with. But remember, I'm the one that thrives on adrenaline. I do enjoy these dinners the speaker though made one false statement that all the ICU nurses corrected him on: patients can live forever in the ICU, we all know the stories.

On that note, my "friend" that I also precepted in the unit was delighting the aides today with stories of my disasters. I had forgotten some of them, but it was fun hearing her perspective on those things. Okay, a quickie: one of her first days in the unit, code was called, doc was in the room with our pt (we hadn't even seen the pt yet - first thing in the morning), we go to the code...... as we are bringing the code pt down to the unit they call a code in our unit. I walk in, it's MY patient. Seems the doc let him get up to go to the bathroom and he suddenly didn't feel well, they got him back in bed and that was pretty much all hey could do. The family had all gone home, they had been there all night and he was fine. Rather awkward moment explaining that one.

Another day tomorrow.........

Ode to Movie Popcorn

Disclaimer: I am NOT a poet, my favourite poet is Ogden Nash. Please lower your expectations here.

Ode to Movie Popcorn

How I love you,
dare I say, let me count the ways.
You bid to me as I dream of the movie
You call out to me as none at home can do.

You are drenched in petroleum products
called "butter"
You harden my arteries as you encircle
my circulatory system.

Yet I cannot resist,
at times I flock to the cinema
only for you do I seek.
Nay, not the flick.

You say, why oh why do you partake?
Heck if I know, but I must.
Even now, I am not sated (hope this is the right use of the word??)
You call, you call, you call.


*this is probably going to be revisited, but I had to start somewhere.

Friday the 13th

Okay, anyone that works in an ER or area like that knows that we are a superstitous lot. You never erase the last name on the board, you NEVER say "it's quite in here", in fact we get worried and call it the "q" word, lots of things like that. In my unit, in fact lots of people at this hospital (we have around 700 beds) they know me as the"angel". I have never done anything to cause it, it's just there are some people that seem to be the one that is there when things go badly. I'm always cautious about it lest people misunderstand.

Today, I was charge. We have a 20 bed unit, I had two patients (our normal load per nurse). The charge nurse is also lead on the code team for the hospital. Everything was somewhat decent this morning, I even got LUNCH!! Then, well, CODE BLUE so I ran to it. Took awhile to deal with it, transferred the pt to another unit, went back to mine. While I was out they filled my empty bed with a "great charge nurse patient." Pt in their 30's had some heart valve issues, just here to be watched a little closer. You know, just in case. While I was gone they even bathed her (my unit is awesome - I will brag on them anytime, anyplace). So anyway..... my perfect charge nurse patient didn't understand the rules, my rules...... she came down on 1.5 liters O2, decompensated over about 30-45 minutes, was intubated, PEA (ran a code), we placed an art line, neo, dopamine, NS bolus, then the big one, a balloon pump!

I'm still in shock. One of the nurses today is an instructor, she and I reviewed what had happened. Had I missed something? Should I have intubated sooner? We intubated before she gave out, I had drugs being mixed from pharmacy before I had orders so when the doc called back I could be ready right then, I was trying to beat the bad stuff..... I even had the crash cart next to her room to ward off the evil spirits..... No one felt like I missed anything and I really don't either. It's just reviewing how fast our patients can go bad. Had she remained on the floor I really think she would have died. Those nurses are good, but it happened too fast for them to be able to do everything we did. Again, and none of them will read this, well one will, the nurses around me were doing all the work, I was directing some and pacing a lot (phone calls to docs), running and fetching, scribbling notes so I could remember what in the heck happened.

I left work at 8:50, I was supposed to be off at 7p. The patient was stable when I left, the other code patient was alive as well. Maybe it wasn't a bad day after all.

Kindness

Funny, I just read what I wrote about the ER, how nervous I was. It went fine by the way. But it has brought to mind how much culture difference between ER and the unit I work in. I hope that it's more the whole rest of the hospital, but anyway, you'll see what I mean.

Monday was a very rainy day.... accidents happen. A family was traveling through our town from out of state, no family here. They were involved in an accident, I don't know who's fault, I heard hydroplaning, but it's not important to the story. There were four people in the car: dad, mom, two kids. Dad was seriously injured, difficult extracation, head injury, at some point was intubated. Mom and kids were brought out my hospital, dad to another. For those that don't work in ER, the decision was based this way: dad needed serious care, we could provide that but we could only take so many victims at once. Mom and kids needed to be seen, there was great potential for serious injury. Normally kids would have gone to the local childrens hospital, but mom couldn't be treated there and they didn't want to split mom and kids up. The place dad was taken would have probably sent kids to children's, so mom and kids to us, we can do care for all.

Now, mom and kids turned out fine. Picture yourself in mom's place. One kid, the youngest was placed in the same bay as mom, the older taken to a different room. She knew spouse was hurt, but not with us. She couldn't see older kid. She was stressed. It was difficult. We were able to work them through at a decent time (even with me being slow).

I called the other hospital to see how dad was, it wasn't good: that was when I got the story about head injiury, nonresponsive, on vent with chest tubes, broken bones, etc. I went to mom, told her that he was in good hands, but very serious. I called the chaplain and had him come. We arranged for cabfare to the other hospital and chaplain called over to their chaplain for follow up. So far, not bad. Here's the rub.

Mom had glass all over her, mom had all the luggage. She asked if there was a place where she could shower. There was in the main part of the hospital. The ER charge nurse had a fit about me wanting to let her do it, even though I could "free" up the room she was in and it would require nothing of staff. We allow families to use these facilities for people that have to stay in the critical care waiting areas. I was horrified by the reaction I got. I had no idea if mom could do that at the other place, I don't know what they offer. I have no clue what kind of finances they had.

Maybe it's the thought, "what if it were me?" This is beginning to be a real source of action for me. Today I was trying to catch up on stuff, people needed me here and there. A call light was going off and the pt kept saying, "nurse, nurse, something is wrong here." I wanted to blow it off so bad, find HER nurse and let them deal with it. Finally I went in, and her IV had horribly infiltrated and the meds were burning her skin. I felt maybe an inch tall, I know that hurt her. What if I was the one needing the pain medicine or the drink or whatever..... I fail so often, yet when I want something I want others to do it NOW.

So I listen to others (and myself too often) joke and carry on, or make fun of things, or say: they really don't need that. Then I wonder, what if it were me in there.... I hope I don't get paid back for all the stuff I've done. I really hope that I become the person that responds rightly to others. But then too often I'm more like today when I suggested if only we could get the guy in the room with a fly (yes, a fly) to think he was hallucinating the fly, then he would shut up.......

Isn't it interesting what your children think of you. The other night my oldest called me as I was about to leave work. A 12 year old son of someone from the church had been skateboarding down a hill, fell and was coming to the ER at my hospital. Could I go check on him?

Got to the ER, they were just checking in, dad, kid and another teen that drove them. Kid looked bad, no kidding. My thoughts had been I would go down there, kid would have a "pumpknot" and overreacting parents. Kid was pale, had been combative, said over and over he couldn't see, bucket in lap (he was about to barf) and again, he looked bad.

I went to the back, asked the charge nurse if they were going to get him back soon, that he didn't look good (please note, I work some in this ER, I know them and knew he would be upfront with me). Seems they had just gotten multiple ambulances in and there were no open rooms. I offered that maybe we should take kid to the children's hospital that was about 10 minutes away, charge nurse thought that would be a good idea.

Normally I would not like this, kid is here, needs to be seen soon. However our children's hospital is top notch and I felt like he would be more appropriately treated there (more than likely in hindsight - my hospital would have diagnosed him and transferred to the kid's hospital anyway). I rode with the kid to the other hospital, I was quite worried about him and hoped that if something happened maybe I could be useful.

We got to the ER, kid started vomiting as soon as we rolled in. You look at lay people in these situations and how they react and how we react. Dad had kid in the men's bathroom before I could stop him, he suddenly ran out and told me kid was barfing...... okay, I ran in and was like, get him in the wheelchair. Dad told me we needed to clean up the mess, I went out and told security that I needed towels, methinks dad probably couldn't carry kid over it without falling. I thew towels down, kid in wheelchair and got out of there.

While they were triaging kid, dad kept getting flustered and I would answer.... I noticed then that there were several notations "mom states...." I figured it was easier to let it go than to clarify. The staff there was wonderful, I was quite proud of them.

As it turns out, kid fractured his skull and was admitted to ICU. This was Thursday, today I heard he is still in the hospital, having trouble keeping food down.

I told my son that I appreciated him calling me, I think they would have stayed at my hospital until seen and it was better that I pushed to move him. While there were downsides to moving him (again, normally I would not do that) it was better for this situation. My son also went to the hospital to see them and be available if needed to help. It's interesting to see how compassionate he is towards others. I wish I could say that my hospital is always the best, but I do so appreciate knowing that they will tell me when I need other help. Oh, and I work in that ER Monday.

Irony

Even "funnier (so to speak)..... I got a ticket last week. Yes, I moaned about it to both guys while admitting I deserved the ticket I did gripe that there was no probation offered by that judge. This is while we were traveling to another part of the state. Yes, I was speeding. Yes, I deserved it..... but rats, I was trying to get away from a group of trucks. Makes no difference, I'm sure they get sick of hearing excuses so I basically didn't offer one when I was stopped. It just reminds me of when patients hit their call light to get you to come into the room when they can see you looking at them and they could just wave you in (yeah, a lady came out to the desk today - the glassed ICU room was facing me, the pt told her to come back in he would just hit the call light even though she was at my desk asking me a question I would need the chart for the answer). Sorry, I digress...... Anyway, whining should only be for fun, never serious.

Anyway..... I loved the irony and I enjoyed the patients.

Time

I haven't blogged in awhile, life has been getting in the way. Nothing special, just stuff. Maybe it's being out of the daily routine, not doing school with the kid. Maybe it's just being tired.

Had to take spouse to a larger city for a checkup on his eye. He has, this is what the doc calls it, a mole on the edge of the cornea. We go once a year to make sure that it doesn't grow. This particular day spouse was not feeling well so I drove. Unfortnately we had to make an unscheduled stop to met one of our fine state troopers. Unstead of pointing to the specimen in the back seat and saying I was on my way to a specialist (he looked dead) I just made no excuse at all. I figure these guys are as sick of whiners as I get. It will cost me $130, some pride, oh, and the judge doesn't offer probation, nor do they take personal checks. So it goes on my beautiful record.

Lately I've been pondering my life and what if I had been raised here or there or done this or that. I'm late 40's, I think this is natural. I'm not unhappy with my life, just wonder. Then I wonder if when we are in heaven if we get to enjoy things maybe we didn't here. Unending Ben and Jerry's without weight gain, riding horses across the prairie, just stuff....... Is it foolish to consider these things? I mean, I'm all for unending praise of Jesus around the throne, don't get me wrong, and I suppose we won't even think about such things, but I wonder. Oh foolish me. Oh well. Off to met more state troopers, #3 son needs his drivers license and we must go to their hidey hole. Yesterday they were pissed off, maybe today will be better.

Reports of My Death Are Only Hopeful

Okay, I'm not dead. I'm tired. I haven't been reading any blogs much, I haven't had energy to think about what is going on around me. I had hoped today to play catch up, but alas, life caught up. I probably should have done this last night when I wasn't sleeping, but I was too busy focusing on stuff that I can't control. So, needless to say nothing has been writen.

I will say, I am still stunned from hearing a patients father tell me (and administration when he complained about me) that he didn't care what we (oh, said this to the doctor that told him we wanted his daughter sedated) that if he "wanted to wake her up he would, and it didn't matter if it was not in her best interest!" I was also instructed in new tattoo care.

When you get in situations, you have to seperate the patient from the family. I liked the patient, of course, I like most people when they are properly sedated with ativan, versed, haldol, or geodon.

I'm going to now carry my anemic blood, my ear with the effusion (oh, I had a checkup today), and my tired booty to bed. I have to work tomorrow and I expect someone will expect me to actually earn my money. I will have a lot to say when I finally sit down and sort it out.

Overheard

Picture this: Intensive Care Unit. Patient in bed...... screaming:

CODE BLUE!!!

CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!

Over and Over.......

Families think we don't care as we call out to her: "Stop!! You're upsetting the other patients!!"

Have I mentioned I love Haldol and Geodon????

Celebration

The fact is, our boys are growing up. The oldest son's best friend got married this weekend. Graduated college, and now married. It won't be long until the groom is one of mine. ***sigh***

The bride was delightful, family was awesome. We had to go out of town for the wedding and were able to stay onsight at the colleg campus. The grooms family has had a tough year and friends came to show support and celebrate. It was great!!

Isn't it wonderful when we come together, love one another and rejoice!! This family has been close to us since the oldest boys were toddlers. They have celebrated everything together and I'm so excited that we were able to partake.

The Funeral

I got a message from a friend last week, her mother had become ill suddenly and passed away. I was stunned, the first I heard of it and it was over. I initially thought that I had missed everything, but then began to realize that the funeral had not happened. The morning of the funeral I realized that as I was typing a letter to her about how hard it was for me when my dad died, and how lonely you feel in the midst of the people, that I could tell her this in person.

The thing is, you couldn't just up and go, this place was a couple of hours away. But when I thought about completing the letter about how I understood what she was going though, I realized I could hug her instead. The drive was good, I had time to reflect on many things. It was one of those where you drive like crazy on the interstate, then you get to drive in the country. This state, in late spring, is beautiful. Yeah, what a sacrifice: I got to be away from town, alone.

One thing people don't know how to do is to just be. It's a helping word: be. Sometimes there are no words, you just are there. I had no great thoughts for my friend, I'm not "puffing" myself up. I remembered the pain when my parents died, and I came. If there was wisdom to impart, others did it. I just wanted to be there for her.

This woman died in the house she was born in, she decorated the cemetry before she died. She raised wonderful children and was keeping her grandson while her son was in Iraq. She had a faithful old dog that will be lost without her. Moments of wandering around, there is a river that flows behind her home, one that is popular with canoeist. It was a simple funeral, yet it spoke volumes. I never met her, but I would have been honoured to call her a friend. I wish I could effectively describe what I felt, but words limit me. There was a certain amount of mourning, because she will be missed, but it was a celebration of a life that was not wasted.

Maybe that's it...... a life that was not wasted. How much time do we waste, but what is wasted time? Is it a waste to sit and read, to enjoy just "being" with someone and not doing? Is it a waste if you don't solve the worlds problems, but you are faithful to the people around you? Is it a waste to live a simple life, one that surely Hollywood would make fun of, yet you have a simple faith that God is eternal and we are not?

I envy those that can do that. Can realize we are not to waste what God has given us. To enjoy the time together, to enrich our minds and souls, to give to others as we have been given. To be forgiven, to forgive, to love, to be loved.

I suspect this kind lady is in heaven, enjoying the presence of God and seeing the tears wept in her honour. She probably wonders why they cry for her, but she has surely shed tears as they do.

Rest now my friend, this is your legacy. And I thank you that you allowed me to come and see this part of your life. Don't hide what and who you are. I know you were surprised by my presence, but you would have surely come for me. You were taught by your mom friendship, and this is who you are. Friends love each other, they can just "be" there, and when you need to safely cry, now or in a year, I'll be there if you need me. Funny thing, you accepted me at a time when I was weak and loved me, and should you need me, I'll be there for you. Go sit at the river, think eternal, and know you are loved.

Pearls.......

I'm putting the following link here, what I'm requesting is that you pick the character from Pearls that best suits you, BUT that you also pick the character that best suits me.

http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/html/cast_PearlSwine.html

I can't wait.........

Drama

This last week has been interesting. Work was, well, fascinating. We weren't that busy for once, and well, the nurses and staff had spring fever. I wear a stuffed figure of a character on my stetoscope, they keep stealing it. They were hilarious. We actually got to destress. Nice, probably won't happen again in a long time. Even the docs were pulling jokes on each other.

Okay, I must tell. Once there was a surgeon that was asked to help do a trach. I won't say at what level training he was to protect his innocence. So the pulmonologist, the RT and the surgeon are at the bedside ready to start when the surgeon whips out instructions. Well, see one, do one, teach one........

Recently same pulmonologist and RT are getting ready to do a trach, surgeon (a well trained surgeon that has a great sense of humour) pulls out instructions from his pocket. Pulmonologist screams..... "YOU!!!" at the RT who is rollong over laughing. Pulmonologist is now seeking revenge........

On another note, stress has been high at the church, but I think we are on the down side of it now. Okay, we are leaving, now sheeps without a pastor. But so much good has come from it that I believe God will redeem the day.

And I want to thank my blogging buddies here, it's nice to know that our hearts touch even when we don't know each other. I hear "Fiddler on the Roof" so I'm out of here.......

Super Villian

I took a Super Villian quiz for a friend of mine. I'm not into these things, but I did find the questions interesting. I didn't realize "motherly" would be a question. I think I can understand most of the answers. So, here it is.


You are Mr. FreezeMr. Freeze
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
68%
The Joker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
67%
Dr. Doom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
67%
Riddler
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
64%
Lex Luthor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52%
Two-Face
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52%
Venom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
51%
Poison Ivy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50%
Apocalypse
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46%
Juggernaut
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44%
Dark Phoenix
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44%
Magneto
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39%
Catwoman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37%
Mystique
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36%
Kingpin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33%
Green Goblin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28%
You are cold and you think everyone else should be also, literally.

Ouch

I've been busy with real life lately and haven't written much or read much on the blogs. Much to my surprise, I went to Fat Doctor's blog today to find out that she is closed down. Seems a co-worker buster her out to the boss. The boss was fine about it, but it really bites. I guess for FD it was much like having your diary read over the loudspeaker.

So many people are amazed that we blog. What do you say? What if your boss finds out? What if a patient recognizes themselves? First of all, you would have to be more paranoid than I am to recognize yourself. Seriously, of all the people in the blogging world do you think you are special enough to make the interesting stuff you read on here? Come on.... and then you have to realize that so much is embellished to make it interesting, well, Jerry Springer has some openings.

My boss..... she wouldn't be happy, but methinks she would get over it. I think too that she recognizes creative writing. However, I don't want to push it. I do love my job.

I'm sorry FD, I really am. You have shared so much with us, we've walked down many things with you. I'm still touched by the death of one of the bloggers, I never knew her, but yet, I did. Somewhat better than some folks I see on a regular basis. Why is that? Because she opened up her thoughts for us to see, something we don't trust those close to us to do.

Alas, real life calls. I have much to do before going to throw myself before the patients and families tomorrow. See if I have any sanity left.

Patient Wisdom

I love patients, they have such "interesting" tidbits. Today I was informed that putting a rubber band in the patients hair will induce seizures.

There are days that the families help us do our jobs, they tell us how to give the meds, they tell us how to pull up the patient in the bed. They help us manage our time, because we so often sit around and do nothing (this is usually when at 5pm I'm writing my 9am assessment that I couldn't write because I was bathing the pt and giving meds, talking to the doctor about what we need or what has happened, u know.

I remember my mom was worried about me reaching over my head when I was pregnant because I might strangle the baby. But then, I freaked out when I ran into an electric fence because I was afraid I might electricute the baby. Ah, the days of going to the family doctor with the baby and asking if having the car windows down were the reason he had ear infections. He was sooooo patient with me.

We learn, we grow, we teach. Of course, we snicker behind the closed doors....

Is It Obsessive?

If you wake up at 12:45 am and call work about something you forgot to do, is that too obsessive?

That was the second phone call. Some have called me "work boundary challenged." Can I charge them for that time? Oh dear.