Death

What is it that you see in their eyes as they are about to die? I can't explain it. We had a lady die today that had been moved to the unit because she wasn't doing well. Three hours later she was made a no code. I was called into the room by the other nurses to help out. We did various things for a few minutes but as I was watching her I was still aware that her skin color was mottled around her neck. I found out that she had a PE and probably several. She bacame very short of breath and we were considering intubation when the doctor talked to the husband and they made the decision not to procede.

But as she lay there, she looked me in the eyes as I was stroking her face. I asked, "Are you in pain?" and she tried to tell me something, but it was the eyes. I still don't know what I saw. It will haunt me. We did bring her husband in and she died holding his hand.

I did tear, almost cry. Maybe I did cry. I don't know. I've seen this so many times, yet it always amazes me when you see the moment that they change spheres. I think it makes me less afraid. But the connection is so awesome between us at that moment.

Maybe I'll go to bed.

Overheard *with regards to Fat Doctor*

Do you know how much this weights?" Pt's mom to my boss, while looking at a 5# weight holding pressure on the pt.

Hmmmmm maybe 5 pounds.......

Sadly, mom fired me from the case, but in the same complaint she mentioned that they shouldn't allow all the nurses to change shifts all at once...... Yeah, we should trickle in ovrer a few hours....... good one that.

New Things

Well, the Eagles said it best, they would reunite when Hell freezes over, hence the name of the return alblum. So we said about being part of a church that was just starting up, never again!! Yet, you feel a breeze here??? The church we had been attending fell apart earlier this year. There are still some people attending but it will never be the same. There are many things that could be said about it, but I've said a lot previously and there are people there that I still care about and I don't want to hurt them with anything that I might say that would offend them.

But the new thing, it's been fun. What!! Church fun! Yes, it's not all gnashing of teeth and naysaying. When you have a heart to love one another, to build up one another, it can be fun. Sure there will come a day when fun things aren't done, but for now we are enjoying one another and rejoicing in the freedom of Christ. It's a mix of people (a very small group - had it been a church split we would have more people) which I find encouraging.

So I hope this is a good thing. I hope we have as good of reception in this town as the Eagles did when they returned. Alas, I shan't hold my breath on that one, but you can always hope. I have hope again that I can look forward to going to church and survive. If this folds at some point, I can honestly say that I gave my all to it and trust that God is looking out for me.

Socially Acceptable

You ever watch a little kid that sucks their thumb and holds a blanket? Don't they look peaceful? Methinks I would very much right now like a blankey (or Eeyore with a detachable tail), lay on my tummy with my butt up in the air, and do the thumb thing. It was a horrible day and I don't want to go back.... ever would be fine.

Methinks it's not okay to tell the family that "if you really think I'm giving *&%$$# care then maybe you should come up here and check on it yourself!"

And I'm really trying to work on not using bad language, but when I was giving report to the floor today it just oozed out, not about the pt, it was that the "pink sheet" only I didn't say sheet, I replaced the double ee's with an i. A couple of nurses almost fell out laughing. Then walking across the floor my crocs did the normal tripping me thing.......

The day went downhill from there. I can't describe it all. Okay, maybe a little more for your consideration. I took my pt up to the floor, while tucking her in the bed I heard the staff in the room across the hall start yelling for help. Maybe I should mention that I'm on the code team when I'm charge, anyway, at least I didn't have to run. I was there, start to finish. Anyway, the woman didn't do too bad, we intubated and sent her to a unit. The timing was great.

Have I mentioned that I don't, do not, want to go back tomorrow. Maybe they will let me work in the ER. I'll die of overwork, but at least they won't yell at me like my staff did today. Wait, no complaining. Off to bed, maybe watching Monk will help. Night.

Encouraging Words

Our census is low. Very Low. Staff was worried.

"They will come, they will come
The snot will flow and they will come."

or when asked where all our patients were....

"they are at home resting up for their heart attacks
and distress"

If we are patient, they will come and be our patients.......

Us or Them

We've had a pt in the unit for several months now, he has been a good patient, however as it sometimes happens, we can't fix everything. The wife reminded me today, I was there the day he came in, that he shouldn't have survived the first day. That he has made it this long is either a testament to stubborness or tenancity. I'm not sure if it was good or bad.

He died at shift change.

The family was going to let him go tomorow, but sometimes God allows us to not make the decision. I really don't know that his wife could have handled it. I'm thankful that she doesn't have to walk down that road. Funny, we were going to call her and tell her that we were worried when she wasn't there today, and she walked in as the nurse was calling her cell phone. We all hugged her, we knew the time was coming, just not sure when. The nurses were at the bedside, day shift and night shift together to bid him farewell and to go on. We all knew that it would be better for him, all that met this man knew he was a special person. I'm proud to have cared for him and the family.

As the wife hugged me, it hit me: are we comforting them, or they us?