Choose Choice Chosen

These three words are words that have always given me trouble. I may have not used them correctly in the following story. I have made bad choices, and I have seen others make choices that have (affected / effected) others. Thanksgiving when we were gathered with the collective family we discussed words that are difficult to know which one to use and that led to the title here.

Many years ago (14 or so) we were going to a church we loved, very connected and active in the church. Then came this move of the spirit and things got, well, strange. They changed from strange to worse. The pastor changed his focus, fired the deacons and elders, installed people he wanted (might I mention they didn't even live in the state) and after many people left the church, the pastor moved on to somewhere else to start his own ministry. In this midst of all this, I was the pastor's secretary. A few people have said, "Well, that explains a thing or two." Needless to say I saw a lot and heard more.

The end of us in the church came and we left. I was fine for awhile, but then the weight of all of it came down on me. I questioned how God could have led us into this disaster. I questioned a lot of things. I became very angry at God and decided that if that was the best He could do, I could do just as well on my own. After all, He led us into that disaster after we had sought him so faithfully for years.

Do I need to mention how badly I led myself? I hope not, I have confessed and God has fortunately taken me back and forgiven me for being so stubborn. But what He didn't do was answer my questions. Why? But then, faithful as He is, he decided to show me again how to go through this. The church we became part of, a local baptist church (and let me just say here that I really wanted to be part of a Baptist church, I knew their leadership system and there was NO WAY what happened before could happen) went through some rough times. A new pastor came, one that was chosen after much prayer and consideration. You know, a new sheriff in town and all that. The details are painful still, but we got to be part of the breakdown of the church.

This time was different. I had just come back to the Lord, just said, "I trust you." when it started. I was beginning to open up, make friends with "church people" and think that maybe here was hope. The difference was that this time I responded differently. Funny, I was a source of strength to others. Still find that amusing. The highlight was the day that I was told I had to leave the sanctuary because I was there to pray with some others. Funny, me a threat.

We left the church, went on to first a home church for a year, then to St. Andrews. A place of grace and healing. And it has been. But the question has been there the whole time: why? It has been a huge thing to me that God has never shown me why He allowed this. Now, let me say I understand scripture, how all things work together, I'm a Calvinist, I birthed and raised Calvinists (I can't really take credit for the raising them that way, but the fact remains, I totally understand the concepts). God won't do more than we are able, and so on. But why, if we sought him with our whole heart, did He lead us to places of disaster?

The other day we were going somewhere and talking about those things when it hit me, "the other people made choices too." Great revelation, but what I think God was telling me was that He led us to the perfect place for us, and even though He knew what was going to happen, the pastors each (and lots of other people) made choices for themselves that affected the outcome of the whole. I made a choice to walk away from the Lord when I was angry. Pastor #1 made a decision to follow the desires of his heart / flesh (I'm not being judgmental here - please understand) and the same with Pastor #2. Others chose either to go the easy path, leave the church and not stand up for what was right, or (and this is what I believe with most) felt the right thing to do was not divide the body.

God did know what was going to happen. He's not responsible for the choices that were made, although He knew what would be chosen. He didn't make me walk away, He allowed it. The outcome: I have so much better understanding of the gospel, of what Christ has done for me, and so much more grace that I ever did before. Was it a "good" choice? no. I almost destroyed my family, and I nearly destroyed myself.

I miss Pastor #1, when I think of him I remember the passion he had for the gospel. Everything he did he threw himself into. When he died there were some that said this is judgment passed on him. I cried. I know that he is with the Lord, and I know that I have forgiven him for the things done. But now I understand so much more.

So in the days after, we went to the Thanksgiving service at St. Andrews. Philip taught from Deut. 8. It could not have been more appropriate for what God was telling me. I won't quote it here but it was the word for me.

Thank you Lord for being so faithful and answering my question when I thought I would have to wait until I see you face to face (all the while knowing I probably wouldn't even care then).

Who am I?

I recently went to a "viewing" the evening before a funeral. It was done very tastefully and well. But it did get me to thinking. When I die, I want people to enjoy the time. Hopefully not too much, but to remember what makes me, well, me.

So here goes: my music: there is so much variety, it can't be summed up in just a few bands or groups. There is the bluegrass side, the gospel, the rock. Nirvana to New Grass Revival. But there's more.... I don't know how to describe it. And the same goes for most people.

The books: Currently reading a history of the Mossad, this is not the first I've read of them. A nation being created, new life, bringing in the old, how to mix all this together. Much like the church of today, how do we all fit together? Stephanie Plum makes me laugh out loud, Scarpetta makes me sad, history excites me and math amazes me (A Beautiful Mind - I almost understood, it was so close, but I can't do the math).

The cartoons: They are everywhere in my house, I want to share them. Stephan Pastis, you are amazing. Rat and the baseball bat, I GET it!!! Calvin and Hobbs, the deeper meaning of life as you fly off the cliff on the sled. My approval ratings with 3 year olds tends to be poor at work. Why dinosaur's died out (they were smoking). Hal! Bummer of a birthmark! My refrigerator is covered in cartoons.

My friends: I have a lot of friends, some I've known for years, some are new. I don't understand how someone picks a BFF because I would have many. There are some I go to for comfort, some for instruction, some to expand my thinking, some when I need a laugh, one when I needed slapped. Some are very straight, some are wild. But the sum of my friends explains to a great degree who I am. Today I had lunch with one of the friends that has been there for years, we still have much to discuss.

My family: married over 30 years, he is a big part of who I am. I love that he wrote a song about me "Growing Up Together" because that is what we have done. He's not the same man I married, he's evolved but still has that loving spirit. He's introduced me to much of the music I now like, we've walked a long way together through many changes. Who am I without him? I don't want to know. The boys, each in his own way has also shaped me. I try to be more sensitive to their feelings. I'm even changing some of the way I cook to suit their taste, and that's a good thing. They challenge me in my walk with the Lord. I've seen them grow from cute, sweet boys into men of character. Somewhere in there I'm there.

My job: I'm a nurse. Not the smartest, not the best, but I care about my patient. As I told a teenage when we were taking her out of a dangerous home: I'm your advocate, that is my job. What I see you need, I will fight for. I may not cave to your whining or pampering, but I'll take care of you. I like what I do, I want to do it better. And if you say I did a good job, that's great, if you don't, I live with myself, and I know when I do well.

So this is me. The sum of me. Not a snapshot, not a bunch of flowers. Put up a stack of books, a board from my refrigerator. Play my iPod. Who are you?

Go and Sin No More

I belong to a Bible Study with a group of people from my church. They are all very nice people, all very strong Christians. This is one of those posts where I need to work out my thoughts, so if I ramble, I'm sorry. I got a bit frustrated the other night and finally just had to leave. I needed to go anyway, but it hit the point that I had to go to maintain my sanity. I might have been rude, I hope not, but it was close.

So there were a couple of things. One is that I don't read much Christian literature. Fiction or non-fiction. Used to, a lot. Now I don't. I don't know who the authors are (well, the children have indoctrinated me in Piper and a few others) and I don't really care to know. If you know me, you know I can tell you about all kinds of other literature. I've found that overall I'm content to read the scripture without a lot of explanation. Maybe I should, maybe I would be better with it, but oh well. So all of these people read a lot of Christian stuff, one actually works in the area of publishing. They talk the talk, they know the books and films, and I'm usually fine with that. But this particular night they were planning things and we should do this and read this and study this and show this film (oh, have you seen it??? HA, never heard of it and at the time didn't really care). I was soooo left out. My own fault, I guess maybe I should immerse myself into it, but I don't want to. So maybe my insecurities came out a bit making the second thing seem even bigger.

Again, let me say, these are very nice people that several of them are in ministry - a ministry devoted to the family. They are all solid people. I am not in any way bashing them. I don't want that to come across. So, our church is involved with some homeless people and one of the women has been telling us about this couple. The man and woman are not married, and there is a child by another man. The woman is not yet divorced from the child's father. Somehow, these people have come to live here and have recently accepted the Lord. They have come into contact with our church. I don't know if they are attending or not but that hasn't been like a requirement for people to be helped. The group that night was to hear specific needs and decide how much help we could give them. And let me just say, there are a lot of needs, not just financial.

In the discussion about what needs there were, it was asked if there was any hope of restoring the marriage of the woman to the other man. And they discussed it. And they discussed the fact that they were having a hard time helping them because they were living together. This is where I have a hard time. I understand that these people are not doing it right. And maybe they should not be living together, but so far I'm not seeing that God has convicted them about it. They are new Christians (hopefully) and not really aware of all the rules. Yes, we all know you aren't supposed to do that, but I'm sure there are plenty of other things they need to focus on. Like just following for now. And while I understand the questions these people have, I keep going back to the woman that was about to be stoned. When Jesus was asked what they should do, he knelt on the ground and began to write. When he finished, they all had left. He told the woman to go and sin no more. He didn't discuss specific lifestyle changes, he didn't make her stand in front of the church and confess to being a prostitute. He accepted her as she was and went on. Go and sin no more. Neither did he give her a list of her sins that she needed to change to be accepted.

I know who I am and what I have done in my life. I know I'm a bit! judgmental, I know that I have and have done many things. I really don't want them exposed. Some things I have come to grips with and can laugh about, and some I can't. Some I never speak of, and may never. Would I be accepted by these same people if they knew my heart? This is why most church people make me have panic attacks. Why so many churches I can't even imagine being part of. And it's not just me. My gay friends, I know they are in sin, they know it. One day they will need a safe haven, and I want to have one for them. It is the least of these that we must love and care for.

I don't want to judge my friends, I just wanted to scream that we can't fix those things, we must meet them where they are. And maybe they came to that conclusion after I left. Maybe there were there and I was so blinded by my prejudice that I couldn't see it. And I haven't offered to do anything for the couple yet. Trying to figure out what I can offer. And seeking God about that. Because if I do, I want it to be a full commitment and not just a feel good, yeah I'll do it.

Sigh.

I had a rape victim this week. You know, she made a mistake. But she didn't ask for what she got. She was such a sweet girl, and yes, I hugged her. She has a good mom that will help her, but it's going to be rough. This is one I could see going to court, and I hope it does.

So how do I handle it? How can I work with that? Because as she was getting her exam, I had the privilege of making it less traumatic. She's a reader, we talked books. We explored which is the better writer: Rowling or Meyers? We talked about her future. We left the room so to speak while the doctor did his job. I held her hand, and I remember being 16 and stupid. I would hope that it's not held against me forever.

I thought about her this morning in church, and prayed for her. I hope that healing will come to her one day. I hope many things for the swine that did this to her (maybe I need to repent of that). But mostly I wish I could hug her again, and tell her that I really do care.

That's how I do the tough things at work.

It was a good day.

Went to work for a day at my old job. Now I'm doing Emergency but this was a day of critical care. The neat thing about going back is that sometimes you are better than you were. Maybe it's because you aren't tired of the same of thing, maybe it's a fresh perspective, who knows. It was a great day. Nothing went wrong, got to see old friends, a good day.

I told my husband when I got home, it was good. I had a man that had just had a heart attack and gone to the cath lab. Got him out of bed, shaved, cleaned up. He was going to stay there a few days but he was content. There were a few things I brought to the docs attention, just little things.

Then there was this older lady. I helped get her to a lower oxygen need, spent a lot of time talking with her family, working on some things that would help them at home. She loved to talk, I spent a lot of time in there feeding her and listening to her. A lot of time. But it was okay. My only day there, I had nothing more important to do. Just to listen. It was a good day. Her son that didn't come to visit called twice, talked to him a long time as well.

Today I talked to a friend that works there, this lady died suddenly yesterday. Said it was a bad code, unexpected. All I could think about was all that time I listened to her talk, and I was so glad that there was nothing more important that day. No one knew she only had two days to live. But she was the most important thing I had that day. And it was a good day.

Personality Profile

I recently did a personality profile. I'm thinking that they may have missed a few things. How do you line up the various quirks, so to speak, of a persons personality.

I'm very compassionate, yet if you piss me off, I won't bring you a warm blanket.

I love a code, yet find myself crying over the old people down the street that died in a car wreck.

I like people, but I don't.

Church people terrify me, I will never measure up to their standards. If they knew the real me, hah! they would never let me in the club. Trust me, my long term friends will even tell you that.

I believe in authority, and am willing to use a baseball bat to get you in line. Yet I question authority every chance I get.

I believe in team work, but don't want anyone else doing my work.

The list goes on and on. I don't understand myself. I will never be able to get past that whole "love your neighbor as yourself" thing, first of all, I barely know my neighbor and second, I would much rather read my book.

Sigh..... and there were no questions about duct tape and creative ways to use it. I see myself as Rat in Pearls before Swine. Oh well.

Attitudes and Latitudes

I recently did a project a work that would be a great time saver for everyone if, well, everyone would actually follow through. Real simple, we have these cabinets in our trauma rooms that we had to check each shift to make sure that everything was in them. I locked them with breakaway locks. Concept is that if you open the cabinet, you replace what was used, relock it. Pretty simple, AND we don't have to go through them each shift now to replace the stuff. We even set it up so that it was pretty clear who's responsibility it was to replace the stuff.

Alas, human nature being what it is, people love the idea, love not counting the stuff, just don't want to do the work to put the stuff back. I don't get it.

This morning, I was told "that happened at shift change, you wouldn't have done it either." Okay, first of all, don't put your work ethics on me. I would have done it. Why? Because I hate counting those cabinets and will do whatever it takes to keep them locked so I don't have to do it each shift. And second, and probably more important, is that if you want change, start with yourself. It's so much easier now. Really, and not just because it was my ideal. It was my ideal to avoid counting them daily. I'm fine with that motive. It saves time for everyone.

Michael Jackson for all his weirdness had a great song with The Man in the Mirror. I'm really trying to change who I am and what others see. Attitude, attitude, attitude.

The People on the Refrigerator

Today I almost met one of the families on my refrigerator. Okay, no one that knows me from work will believe that I am actually quiet shy outside of work. They were sitting two rows behind me in a Sunday School class and there was a lot of time that I could have done it. I mean, it's the new associate pastor of the church, how scary could he be? Well, considering that I've never really spent time with the main pastor, not seeing this happen. I think of all kinds of things I would like to say, but, nope.

When we first put their picture up on the refrigerator, our children were asking who they were. We tried to convince them that it was the new family we were adopting, but they didn't believe it. But it was fun.

Ever notice how many people have pictures of families, of children, cartoons on their refrigerators? There are only a few people on ours, I favor cartoons: Pearls before Swine, Zits, Baby Blues mostly. I love looking at photo's in other people's kitchens. You have an open door into who they are. So is it deceptive that I have people on mine that I'm too timid to meet? But that's another day.

Other Peoples Money

Today at Starbucks I saw a car tag "Tithes." I don't know these people, but that disturbed me. When we give to churches, organizations, or whatever, there is an effort to it. Sure we could use the money for things here, but we give. And when we give to the church, I don't expect an accounting of every dime from them, I want them to live well and enjoy the same things I do. I have close friends that receive their salary from donations, and none of them are frivolous with their money. So why did this bother me? I think because they are saying it. They are spending extra money to show that they are getting their money from other people. This is no different that the people in government that are wasteful of our money. So many don't even care. They would if it stopped and they actually had to get their hands dirty to earn it like so many do.

Grrrrrr This note could go lots longer, but I know so many people are beginning to tire of it.

Culture

Today I triaged a child from a middle Eastern country. The parents didn't speak English well but had a male friend with them that spoke some English. It was very interesting noticing some of the things that were done. I'm sure they were Muslin, wife had her head covered and the fact they were Arabic.

When I took the child's temperature, we do it rectally at that age and she was there for fever, the friend stepped out of the room to not see her bottom. I usually don't expose that much of the patient if I can help it so I thought that was interesting. This isn't a big deal, but it does make me wonder if because we are so casual about such things if we don't set ourselves up for the lack of privacy that we have in the US.

I'm not about to convert, I don't want to live under that much law. But I think sometimes we criticize things that are different without looking at the value they might have.

Of course, lets finish the story. I went to get the baby some Tylenol and as I was giving it to her, she showed me how angry she was at me. She barfed all over me.

One other thing. They were confused when I told them the temperature. I finally realized I needed to give it to them as I took it, in Celsius. The friend kept saying, "37?" I was like, 39, she's sick.

Discord

I hate discord. I hate doing stupid things. I did something stupid today and it lead to discord.

Seems like it's not difficult to do, stupid things. I make fun of strangers for those things. I try to be gracious, but sometimes we are overwhelmed with stupidity and it just comes out. Also, it's what makes things fun in the ER. Otherwise, how many accidents would we really see?

I feel bad, I've said I'm sorry. I will try not to do it again. I figure I'll do something stupid again, hopefully not something that irritates my son. I wonder sometimes if others try not to hurt us as much as we try not to hurt them.

Oh well. Really feeling dismal today. Sorry.

Maybe It's Over

Normally I like to write and be cheerful, but not today. A few weeks ago my son's girlfriend of several years broke up with him. There was no fight, they are still friends, and there is no other guy. I have no problem with her reasons, I understand. For awhile, I thought maybe this would make them realize how much they need each other and they might even become more serious. It was difficult to let go.

I dearly love this girl. But maybe it is over. This is very hard for me.

I saw her today, for a long time I couldn't imagine our life without her. I still can't. But I can see that maybe it's over.

That's it. I think I just needed to write it to make it real.

Still Here

Got out of the habit of writing and want to keep the blog active. Life is always interesting, but I'll write it another day.

Grace

So in this world where we have so little time and patience for each other, I found my own little parable. We have three cats: Martin Luther, Gracie, and Ellie. Each of these cats has come to us after being rescued. Ellie was found at the vets office, she was cute and adorable. Our dog at the time kept sniffing her and wanting to see her while we were there for a visit. I brought her home as joke with every intention of returning her.... and here she is. Gracie was found in a cemetery, we found a home for her but the people were not very caring, she was returned to us fearful of humans and pregnant. It has taken years to get her where she will willingly come out for attention. And then there is ML. He was treed by our dogs, but they seem to love him. The biggest dog even will pick the kitten by the scruff of the neck to move away from something Harrison doesn't think he needs.

The parable: Gracie and Elie absolutely hate the kitten! There is no grace for the new kitten. It reminds me of how we as Christians treat each other. We forget that we too were saved by grace and that we too have not fully walked out our redemption. I just find it interesting.

Introducing: Martin Luther

The day we celebrated Christmas our dogs brought us a present. We weren't exactly excited, they had treed a kitten. The affirmed "cat hater" in my house is the one that retrieved it from the tree and brought it inside. I knew this was not going to go well.

For the first couple of weeks, we danced around the naming issue, since we were hoping to send it back to it's real owner. My husband in particular wanted to send it back, yet even though he was off work during that time, only one "Is This Your Cat" poster got put up. So the kitten remains.

We have two dogs (with long furry tails) and two other cats (with long furry tails) that have not exactly welcomed the new one home. But personality wise this kitten could care less about established protocols (which cat lives in which room, or when the people read the cat that gets to be in the lap), he just does what he wants. So the naming began.

Here are some of the suggestions: John Piper, MacArthur, Augustus of Hippo (I kinda liked this one, but didn't know how to explain to people the history of the name), Calvin (again, I really liked, but it brought up images of Calvin and Hobbes - and that is another case where most people didn't know the background), Newton, Wesley (totally rejected - must not be Calvinist enough), Wilberforce (again, I like it). This should tell you a lot about the people in my house. The final name: for his firey termperment, his commentment to tearing down the establishment, his zeal - Martin Luther (to be called Luther).

After my final 16 weeks of homeschool are complete, I must read up on church history.

12 Days of Christmas

To those of you who do not know, my husband and I are now attending an Anglican church. This is a massive change for us, one that has shocked a few people. Now, I'm really enjoying it, they do the "crossy" thing, you know, where they cross themselves, they don't properly dunk people, they splash water on them for baptism, they exercise during church with all the up and down kneeling, and they have a "fake" break - what they call sharing the peace, we would call intermission (or meet and greet). There are other things, but I'm still sorting it all out. As you can already tell, this is like the Beverly Hillbillies going to big church.

Recently the pastor did a class that he called something like "the Holy Spirit at reveals Christmas" sadly I don't remember the real name because I called it "Advent for Dummies." I had no idea we as Baptist (or whatever I really was) had not been doing things right (not that the pastor in any way implied this - remember who is writing this letter). But anyway, on with why you are getting this. Much to my delight this past Sunday I discovered that we celebrate the 12 days of Christmas. Now, I had to miss the last Advent for Dummies class, so I don't know why or anything, but it did mean that we get an extra two weeks of Christmas caroles and lights. I'm all in favor of that. Then to top it all, we got this great handout that explains the song. I thought that some of you might (in all seriousness) like this and want to be more in tune with what you are singing about. So here it is:

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" was written in England as one of the "catechism songs" to help young Christians learn the tenets of their faith. The songs gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The "true love" mentioned in the song doesn't refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God Himself. The "me" who recieves the presents refers to every baptized person. The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. In the song, Christ is symbolically presented as a mother partridge which feigns injury to decoy predators from her helpless nestlings, much in the memory of the expression of Christ's sadness over the fate of Jerusalem.

2 Turtle Doves - the Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens - Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds - Four Gospels and / or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings - first Five Books of the Old Testament, the Pentateuch which gives the history of man's fall from grace
6 Geese A laying - the six days of Creation
7 Swans A swimming - the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids a milking - the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing - the nine Fruits of the Spirit
10 Lords A leaping - the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping - the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming - the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed.

So... there you have it. Now what will be running through your head the next time you hear the song? I thought this was neat and wanted to pass it along. Of course, sadly, the church has no idea (but they will soon - we're going to attend the newcomer's class) what they have let in the door. Other's may think it, sadly, I will probably say it....