Who am I?

I recently went to a "viewing" the evening before a funeral. It was done very tastefully and well. But it did get me to thinking. When I die, I want people to enjoy the time. Hopefully not too much, but to remember what makes me, well, me.

So here goes: my music: there is so much variety, it can't be summed up in just a few bands or groups. There is the bluegrass side, the gospel, the rock. Nirvana to New Grass Revival. But there's more.... I don't know how to describe it. And the same goes for most people.

The books: Currently reading a history of the Mossad, this is not the first I've read of them. A nation being created, new life, bringing in the old, how to mix all this together. Much like the church of today, how do we all fit together? Stephanie Plum makes me laugh out loud, Scarpetta makes me sad, history excites me and math amazes me (A Beautiful Mind - I almost understood, it was so close, but I can't do the math).

The cartoons: They are everywhere in my house, I want to share them. Stephan Pastis, you are amazing. Rat and the baseball bat, I GET it!!! Calvin and Hobbs, the deeper meaning of life as you fly off the cliff on the sled. My approval ratings with 3 year olds tends to be poor at work. Why dinosaur's died out (they were smoking). Hal! Bummer of a birthmark! My refrigerator is covered in cartoons.

My friends: I have a lot of friends, some I've known for years, some are new. I don't understand how someone picks a BFF because I would have many. There are some I go to for comfort, some for instruction, some to expand my thinking, some when I need a laugh, one when I needed slapped. Some are very straight, some are wild. But the sum of my friends explains to a great degree who I am. Today I had lunch with one of the friends that has been there for years, we still have much to discuss.

My family: married over 30 years, he is a big part of who I am. I love that he wrote a song about me "Growing Up Together" because that is what we have done. He's not the same man I married, he's evolved but still has that loving spirit. He's introduced me to much of the music I now like, we've walked a long way together through many changes. Who am I without him? I don't want to know. The boys, each in his own way has also shaped me. I try to be more sensitive to their feelings. I'm even changing some of the way I cook to suit their taste, and that's a good thing. They challenge me in my walk with the Lord. I've seen them grow from cute, sweet boys into men of character. Somewhere in there I'm there.

My job: I'm a nurse. Not the smartest, not the best, but I care about my patient. As I told a teenage when we were taking her out of a dangerous home: I'm your advocate, that is my job. What I see you need, I will fight for. I may not cave to your whining or pampering, but I'll take care of you. I like what I do, I want to do it better. And if you say I did a good job, that's great, if you don't, I live with myself, and I know when I do well.

So this is me. The sum of me. Not a snapshot, not a bunch of flowers. Put up a stack of books, a board from my refrigerator. Play my iPod. Who are you?

Go and Sin No More

I belong to a Bible Study with a group of people from my church. They are all very nice people, all very strong Christians. This is one of those posts where I need to work out my thoughts, so if I ramble, I'm sorry. I got a bit frustrated the other night and finally just had to leave. I needed to go anyway, but it hit the point that I had to go to maintain my sanity. I might have been rude, I hope not, but it was close.

So there were a couple of things. One is that I don't read much Christian literature. Fiction or non-fiction. Used to, a lot. Now I don't. I don't know who the authors are (well, the children have indoctrinated me in Piper and a few others) and I don't really care to know. If you know me, you know I can tell you about all kinds of other literature. I've found that overall I'm content to read the scripture without a lot of explanation. Maybe I should, maybe I would be better with it, but oh well. So all of these people read a lot of Christian stuff, one actually works in the area of publishing. They talk the talk, they know the books and films, and I'm usually fine with that. But this particular night they were planning things and we should do this and read this and study this and show this film (oh, have you seen it??? HA, never heard of it and at the time didn't really care). I was soooo left out. My own fault, I guess maybe I should immerse myself into it, but I don't want to. So maybe my insecurities came out a bit making the second thing seem even bigger.

Again, let me say, these are very nice people that several of them are in ministry - a ministry devoted to the family. They are all solid people. I am not in any way bashing them. I don't want that to come across. So, our church is involved with some homeless people and one of the women has been telling us about this couple. The man and woman are not married, and there is a child by another man. The woman is not yet divorced from the child's father. Somehow, these people have come to live here and have recently accepted the Lord. They have come into contact with our church. I don't know if they are attending or not but that hasn't been like a requirement for people to be helped. The group that night was to hear specific needs and decide how much help we could give them. And let me just say, there are a lot of needs, not just financial.

In the discussion about what needs there were, it was asked if there was any hope of restoring the marriage of the woman to the other man. And they discussed it. And they discussed the fact that they were having a hard time helping them because they were living together. This is where I have a hard time. I understand that these people are not doing it right. And maybe they should not be living together, but so far I'm not seeing that God has convicted them about it. They are new Christians (hopefully) and not really aware of all the rules. Yes, we all know you aren't supposed to do that, but I'm sure there are plenty of other things they need to focus on. Like just following for now. And while I understand the questions these people have, I keep going back to the woman that was about to be stoned. When Jesus was asked what they should do, he knelt on the ground and began to write. When he finished, they all had left. He told the woman to go and sin no more. He didn't discuss specific lifestyle changes, he didn't make her stand in front of the church and confess to being a prostitute. He accepted her as she was and went on. Go and sin no more. Neither did he give her a list of her sins that she needed to change to be accepted.

I know who I am and what I have done in my life. I know I'm a bit! judgmental, I know that I have and have done many things. I really don't want them exposed. Some things I have come to grips with and can laugh about, and some I can't. Some I never speak of, and may never. Would I be accepted by these same people if they knew my heart? This is why most church people make me have panic attacks. Why so many churches I can't even imagine being part of. And it's not just me. My gay friends, I know they are in sin, they know it. One day they will need a safe haven, and I want to have one for them. It is the least of these that we must love and care for.

I don't want to judge my friends, I just wanted to scream that we can't fix those things, we must meet them where they are. And maybe they came to that conclusion after I left. Maybe there were there and I was so blinded by my prejudice that I couldn't see it. And I haven't offered to do anything for the couple yet. Trying to figure out what I can offer. And seeking God about that. Because if I do, I want it to be a full commitment and not just a feel good, yeah I'll do it.

Sigh.

I had a rape victim this week. You know, she made a mistake. But she didn't ask for what she got. She was such a sweet girl, and yes, I hugged her. She has a good mom that will help her, but it's going to be rough. This is one I could see going to court, and I hope it does.

So how do I handle it? How can I work with that? Because as she was getting her exam, I had the privilege of making it less traumatic. She's a reader, we talked books. We explored which is the better writer: Rowling or Meyers? We talked about her future. We left the room so to speak while the doctor did his job. I held her hand, and I remember being 16 and stupid. I would hope that it's not held against me forever.

I thought about her this morning in church, and prayed for her. I hope that healing will come to her one day. I hope many things for the swine that did this to her (maybe I need to repent of that). But mostly I wish I could hug her again, and tell her that I really do care.

That's how I do the tough things at work.

It was a good day.

Went to work for a day at my old job. Now I'm doing Emergency but this was a day of critical care. The neat thing about going back is that sometimes you are better than you were. Maybe it's because you aren't tired of the same of thing, maybe it's a fresh perspective, who knows. It was a great day. Nothing went wrong, got to see old friends, a good day.

I told my husband when I got home, it was good. I had a man that had just had a heart attack and gone to the cath lab. Got him out of bed, shaved, cleaned up. He was going to stay there a few days but he was content. There were a few things I brought to the docs attention, just little things.

Then there was this older lady. I helped get her to a lower oxygen need, spent a lot of time talking with her family, working on some things that would help them at home. She loved to talk, I spent a lot of time in there feeding her and listening to her. A lot of time. But it was okay. My only day there, I had nothing more important to do. Just to listen. It was a good day. Her son that didn't come to visit called twice, talked to him a long time as well.

Today I talked to a friend that works there, this lady died suddenly yesterday. Said it was a bad code, unexpected. All I could think about was all that time I listened to her talk, and I was so glad that there was nothing more important that day. No one knew she only had two days to live. But she was the most important thing I had that day. And it was a good day.

Personality Profile

I recently did a personality profile. I'm thinking that they may have missed a few things. How do you line up the various quirks, so to speak, of a persons personality.

I'm very compassionate, yet if you piss me off, I won't bring you a warm blanket.

I love a code, yet find myself crying over the old people down the street that died in a car wreck.

I like people, but I don't.

Church people terrify me, I will never measure up to their standards. If they knew the real me, hah! they would never let me in the club. Trust me, my long term friends will even tell you that.

I believe in authority, and am willing to use a baseball bat to get you in line. Yet I question authority every chance I get.

I believe in team work, but don't want anyone else doing my work.

The list goes on and on. I don't understand myself. I will never be able to get past that whole "love your neighbor as yourself" thing, first of all, I barely know my neighbor and second, I would much rather read my book.

Sigh..... and there were no questions about duct tape and creative ways to use it. I see myself as Rat in Pearls before Swine. Oh well.

Attitudes and Latitudes

I recently did a project a work that would be a great time saver for everyone if, well, everyone would actually follow through. Real simple, we have these cabinets in our trauma rooms that we had to check each shift to make sure that everything was in them. I locked them with breakaway locks. Concept is that if you open the cabinet, you replace what was used, relock it. Pretty simple, AND we don't have to go through them each shift now to replace the stuff. We even set it up so that it was pretty clear who's responsibility it was to replace the stuff.

Alas, human nature being what it is, people love the idea, love not counting the stuff, just don't want to do the work to put the stuff back. I don't get it.

This morning, I was told "that happened at shift change, you wouldn't have done it either." Okay, first of all, don't put your work ethics on me. I would have done it. Why? Because I hate counting those cabinets and will do whatever it takes to keep them locked so I don't have to do it each shift. And second, and probably more important, is that if you want change, start with yourself. It's so much easier now. Really, and not just because it was my ideal. It was my ideal to avoid counting them daily. I'm fine with that motive. It saves time for everyone.

Michael Jackson for all his weirdness had a great song with The Man in the Mirror. I'm really trying to change who I am and what others see. Attitude, attitude, attitude.

The People on the Refrigerator

Today I almost met one of the families on my refrigerator. Okay, no one that knows me from work will believe that I am actually quiet shy outside of work. They were sitting two rows behind me in a Sunday School class and there was a lot of time that I could have done it. I mean, it's the new associate pastor of the church, how scary could he be? Well, considering that I've never really spent time with the main pastor, not seeing this happen. I think of all kinds of things I would like to say, but, nope.

When we first put their picture up on the refrigerator, our children were asking who they were. We tried to convince them that it was the new family we were adopting, but they didn't believe it. But it was fun.

Ever notice how many people have pictures of families, of children, cartoons on their refrigerators? There are only a few people on ours, I favor cartoons: Pearls before Swine, Zits, Baby Blues mostly. I love looking at photo's in other people's kitchens. You have an open door into who they are. So is it deceptive that I have people on mine that I'm too timid to meet? But that's another day.

Other Peoples Money

Today at Starbucks I saw a car tag "Tithes." I don't know these people, but that disturbed me. When we give to churches, organizations, or whatever, there is an effort to it. Sure we could use the money for things here, but we give. And when we give to the church, I don't expect an accounting of every dime from them, I want them to live well and enjoy the same things I do. I have close friends that receive their salary from donations, and none of them are frivolous with their money. So why did this bother me? I think because they are saying it. They are spending extra money to show that they are getting their money from other people. This is no different that the people in government that are wasteful of our money. So many don't even care. They would if it stopped and they actually had to get their hands dirty to earn it like so many do.

Grrrrrr This note could go lots longer, but I know so many people are beginning to tire of it.