This Ain't Burger King, You Can't Have It Your Way

WOW, if ONLY they would let us use that slogan for our branding as opposed to "you complain, we'll brand them, beat them into submission and fire them if you want. In fact, we'll throw in an extra nurse for you to trash. Then we will have them crawl to you with coffee in their hands." Okay, it isn't that bad, but still.......

Let's see, we moved a pt to another unit to suit the surgeon; another doc blasted the charge nurse last night because he didn't specify the floor his pt was to be admitted to and the supervisor sent him to a unit (the appropriate one at that); and a doc that I really like was mad because I called him and asked if he wanted me to consult another doc on his patient - oh wait, you see, I thought it would be a good idea, he was mad because "I wrote that order 3 hours ago and why haven't you done it?" Could be that I didn't do what he didn't write, not in the orders, not in the progess notes. He then said that he told everyone around that he wanted the doc called, well, when asked, no one heard him say that, espiecally me, I was charge and had the patient. He'll chill, he's a good doc and I usually anticipate his needs fairly well. I suspect that he is over tired. I sure am.

But if only now and then, I could say what I really, really think. But then, I do like my job and I really like when I do the right thing for the pt and help the doc out.

Of course, sometimes my mean streak comes out and I just forget that on a holiday weekend that the new pt we just got in is needing a consult by a doc that is standing in the other room. Actually, the doc there takes call for the doc that we were consulting and I wasn't 100% sure. And after this guy has been so hateful, rude, arrogant, and really likes to make nurses feel stupid I just couldn't bring myself to tell him about the consult while he was there. After all, I needed time to make sure that he would actually be the one to see the pt. And I know he hates it when we are wrong........... I'll repent next week.........

Strobes

My youngest son is 16. He is a most interesting child. You must realize I deeply love him, and one day hope to see a) the children he produces, and b) what he tells his therapist (I figure any child raised by me will need one at some point).

This child is a free spirit, he has no fear, and no limits to his imagination. For Christmas his main desires were a camera, strobe light, and outside lights so he can better skateboard at night. His wishes were fullfilled.

The strobe light is what intriges me, I understand that they played catch with the dog to the strobe, which would explain the twiching that she did later when trying to sleep. About the time I was headed for bed, the boys were talking about going to the church to play ping pong by strobe. As it turns out, they state that it is great fun.

Meanwhile, I await the planes that I expect to see circling the house to land. Hopefully he won't flash the strobe at them.

Merry Christmas

I hope that all of you have a wonderful Christmas and that the one who we celebrate will be the focus of your day. My family celebrated today in order to allow me to partake, as the organization I work for is requiring my presence tomorrow. I don't mind too much, obviously I would prefer to be with family, but the patients didn't particually want to be in the hospital then either.

It was good here, we went to church this morning and the Christmas Eve service tonight. We spent some time together this afternoon. It's funny how much the kids have changed and yet how little they have changed. Chocolate milk is still the big drink, only now they can just go buy it themselves. #2 son is impatient with wrapping paper, and will tear the other boys paper if they go slow. They say they don't remember when we had birthday cake for Jesus and sang to him, but they have always understood the reason we celebrate (and yet they always take the presents).

Enough. Sorry, it's my favourite time, and yet I always stress over it wishing it could be better. I don't have the decorate gene, I'm not creative, and I get frustrated because it's not perfect. Today's migraine proved that. Sometimes I think, one more song, one more hug. Merry Christmas, maybe I should reread what I posted y'day, and go play a carol.......

Allelulia

"no one can celebrate a genuine Christmas
Without being truly poor.
The self-sufficient, the proud, those who,
because they have everything, look down on others,
those who have no need, even of God--
for them there will be no Christmas.
Only the poor, the hungry,
those who need someone to come on their behalf,
will have that someone.
That someone is God,
Emmanuel,
God with us.
Without poverty of spirit there can be no abundance of God."

the late Archbishop Oscar Romero of El Salvado

There is nothing to add to this....

Anger

Funny, anger has been on my mind this week. I'm having to deal with a situation where some folks have been angry and now the waves from that are affecting others. There is also my *cough* occasional bad mood and how that affects the tone of the home and the unit. I usually snap out fairly quickly, but the damage is done. Then there are words spoken in anger, many times these are true words, but probably not the way you would have either wanted to hear it or have said it. They can never be taken back. You can be forgiven, but the damage is always there. Your family, co-workers have all seen and heard it. It spoils the time that we had together.

Today when there was tension in the air I said something that I thought would make someone feel better, but alas, not only not true, he came back in anger. What he said was true. I guess it's been held back for years. Oh well. It will pass. I'm trying to learn not to respond when someone is angry, I started this at work and am trying to continue it at home. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe not, but it keeps me from having to repent quite as much. Silence is not always a bad thing.

Now, I'm going to get off my lazy duff and get some stuff done. I had to sort through papers this morning, found lots of things of my mom and dad: photo's, their papers, and traded in my dad's truck for a newer vehicle for my son. *my eyes are leaking* Anyway, where is my iPod????

Thoughts on Christmas, part I

36There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, 37and then was a widow until she was eighty-four.[e] She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. 38Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem.

The last sentence, "to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem" is one of the things that has been on my mind. Actually this started with thinking about the wise men, what faith it took for them to go on that journey. And Simeon, who sat at the temple because he had been promised he wouldn't die until he saw the Christ. And Anna....

So what kind of faith does it take to see a star and change your life for a couple of years...... what kind of faith does it take to see a baby and know that this is the one? I can't imagine. What kind of faith do I have? I couldn't sustain my faith a few years ago after seeing man at his worst. Now I realize that I had actually placed more of my faith in man that God, now I get to repeat part of that test and I'm hoping that my source is totally God and not man. But I know that my heart is "looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem."

Hopefully this Christmas is more than just the presents and the retelling of the story, but that the many meanings of the story will come to us. Shalom

Christmas Party

I went to two different Christmas Parties this weekend, one work, one Sunday School. Isn't funny how segregated our lives are? And some of the people would blend so well, some have met. It's kinda like an Algebra problem where the lines intersect. I enjoy my friends, I come alive in a new way when I'm around others. I really don't need alcohol or drugs like some do, laughter is my joy. It fascinates me to see the people in my life come together, to hear their stories, to share parts of our lives.

Example: One of the new nurses brought her boyfriend - he blended so well. In dirty Santa he stole a gift from one of the others (in fact, it was a gift I brought - the Crack Calendar). At the SS party I'm the new kid, but they accepted me well. You peer into people in a new way in their homes and when they are relaxed.

I'm in favor of more away time like this. Through the one on one time we truly come to know each other. In a SS class, you are on guard, you must appear "spiritual". What a load of crap!! How can we get through life without each other?

Oh, I stole gifts as well, Santa coffee cups with CANDY and a baseball pig (I have visions of middle child with this gift). The pink t-shirt with "tough men wear pink" almost came home with me, but I thought the boys might hurt each other getting to that one!!

Clapping in a Code

Last night I had a nurse (we will call her Kate for this - not even close to her real name) do charge that had never done it before. She did a great job, but stayed stressed. I was later told by one of her friends that she "needed to put on her big girl panties!" I can't argue with that. This morning after we gave report as she was leaving one of the patients went into v-tach. We raced in, grabbed the crash cart and defibulator, and Kate yells, "let me do it, I've never shocked anyone before!" We throw the pads on, give her the paddles and shocked one time. Patient converted rhythms and was fine (well, so to speak). As Kate was giving back the paddles we all broke into applause and high fives!! What a way to start the day!! Kate left feeling great, the patient did fine (went back to fighting the vent) and the day, well it sucked, but so it goes.

Shopping with Teen

The 16 year old begged to go shopping today, even consented to dust prior to leaving (and I mean mom approved dusting, not his norm). Maybe I'm a pushover, but this kid continually amazes me. I figure there are only a few years that I get to have with them before they leave home (so I've been told anyway, none of mine have left) so I usually let him play his music in the truck. Today though, we compromised - at each stop we would change to the other ones CD. So..... christian rap to Nirvana (my choice) to christian rap to Christmas music (again, me). By the time we were done I was fried. Totally. I told spouse that I needed a drink with dinner, after I explained why he didn't mind at all.

The child and I had a talk while out. I told him that I wanted to live long enough to see his kids be teens. He looked at me and grinned (he has killer dimples) and stated that his kids would be demons. I replied that yes, he was screwed. He said that was fine, he was going to drop them off at my house every day. Figures I did school with him, I can teach his kids. We need to discuss philosophy of why you homeschool, so the parent can be closer to the child. It was fun, maybe when he sees a therapist (everyone should have therapy, and I would love to hear what my kids would say if they ever did) it won't be all bad on how I raised him. The middle child, I figure I won't come out as well, but we all know the middle kids get wronged throughout life anyway. The oldest kid, well, I bought him a dishwashing tool for his job and he was excited and grateful, I may fare well with him too. I hope so, he decorates the tree, I need to stay in his good graces.

The Frozen North

We have a new pastor, he's "not from here". Now, there's "not from here" local and "really not from here." This guy is from the latter. Canada to be precise. Recently we had a discussion about things people do up there to kill time and games that are played. Now, dude likes hockey. Actually that would be an understatement, he LOVES hockey, why he moved to the south is beyond me. There is an ice rink in town, but I know this is nothing like what he is used to.

So we are in Texas for a funeral and he's telling me about going driving on the ponds in your truck. Being a good southern girl I have visions of just trying to drive on the streets without killing people during icy season. I can't imagine going out on a pond (of course here nothing freezes like that anyway). And I've worked in the ER on an icy day, lots of work. I'm not into "loss of control" I don't even drink to lose control, the closest I get to that is when we get an "exciting" patient and the adreniline pumps.

So here am I listening to his story about the thrills in Canada (and I'm thinking good book, glass of wine, hot tub, maybe even hot chocolate) when I have an Eureka moment!!!! Their brains are frozen!! That explains all!!

So when I'm around him now, he looks at me with that "I know you think my brain is frozen" look and I look back with "yes, it is" and we have a quiet understanding. It makes for peace. Besides, I have the ultimate upperhand, he has to work with my kid, who has had my input for 22 years......... *giggle*

Not From Here

I work in a critical care area, specializing in hearts. Some days I know what I'm doing, I hope anyway, they let me play charge.

The other day we got a patient from the floor, fast heart rate. This was going to be my patient, I was charge but I had the only empty bed. Actually it didn't sound bad, usually we can deal with these fairly quickly. Patient comes down, I get him on the monitor, still standing at the bedside, no chance to look at the chart yet. The doctor comes in, now, he's not from here. I don't mean not from the local area or even not from the south, he's not from this hemisphere. So Dr. Z walks in, pulls the blanket down, pulls off the abdominal dressing from where he did surgery the day before. He states, "that looks fine." Technically that was true, it did look fine, but the pt didn't come down because of the dressing, Dr. Z still hasn't looked at the monitor or listened to the pt.

He then asks me about lab work on the pt, what were his labs this morning. Now he knows the pt has just arrived and there is no way I could know the answer, but he should have access to that. He decides, again, without the lab or a cvp, that the pt is dehydrated and we will run in a litter of NS.

I was off the next couple of days, when I returned I found that pt was now on amiodarone gtt without much success, in fact, he's a bit worse. Also, the nurse reported that there was a red area around the end of the dressing so Dr. Z pulled the staples completly out the whole length of the wound. The next day the distal end of the wound was open and had an odor. Again I was off, when I returned the pt now is on the vent and has abdominal abcesses. I'm not seeing a good outcome to this.

So I don't know what to think. Did Dr. Z get in over his head? I heard mumbling about when he opened the belly he ran into things he wasn't expecting. I realize things can go bad on anyone, however, I'm not liking this one. I guess my opinion went downhill the day before when I saw Dr. Z do a sterile procedure that was anything but sterile. I'm told that we should write up what we see and when they get enough complaints.........

The sad thing is, I'm not prejuidiced or racist. I guess if we all look in our hearts we will find some, but overall I know of several doctors that I adore and would choose should the occasion arise that are "not from here". But then there are those that because I am female won't look me in the eye (one even closed his eyes the whole time he was talking to me, that won't happen again either), that I've seen treat patients with lack of care or concern. However, there are some that are far more blue blooded that I that do that, but in all farness, I can't stand them either. Comments.......

Quote

Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player. Albert Einstein

Thought this was interesting..... considering my current state of mind, it fits.

Boys will be boys

Thanksgiving was fun. My sons, 22, 19, and 16 played baseball with the neices, 4 and 5. Watching a 6' 4" male hit a softball with a T-ball bat is just too much fun. The rules were basically if the ball went over the fence, it was out, under and it was a home run. There were ghost players and mommy helpers (the 5 year old is slightly afraid of the ball, the 4 year old is tough).

Methinks these boys will be good fathers, they were rough on each other, and kind to the girls. All were worn out at the end, the girls went home to nap, the boys fell out on the couches (except the middle one that went to the girlfriends parents to eat another dinner). It was way too much fun.

My brother in law discussed his plans to ask his girlfriend to marry him in January. We wondered why not over Christmas, but he said no. I think it would be sweet, but then again, I'm not the one getting married.

Family times like this are better now than they used to be. Years ago these people drank to excess and we couldn't wait to leave them when the boys were little. They still talk about the time when the bottle rocket war got out of hand, yes, alcohol was on board. This year I will work Christmas, so I will miss the little ones. But, I have many years with mine little that I still cherish. The middle son always asking for Chocolate milk was priceless, in fact, he still asks for it. The fights, wait, they still do that.... maybe nothing has changed except the size and the price of the toy........

Nothing Special

Happy Thanksgiving!! We will be going to my mother in laws and hanging with the family. Not sure how I feel about this, I will miss her when she is gone, but sometimes I wish we could do it here with our family, but I know how disorganized I am. Alas, this way it's easier. But the boys will grow and leave some day (well, I've heard it happens).

Work has not been bad lately, but the census is low. I've heard they thought of closing the unit yesterday, but I don't see the cost savings. They would take our patients, sent them down the hall, take my nurses and send them with the patients. Don't see the advantage, lights aren't that much. The staff is scared, I'm not happy but I'm sure this will pass. If not, I don't intend to go down the hall, I don't like the other units. I would attempt to move to ER, which I love. But we will see.

So enjoy the day, read the paper, play with the kids, remember it will not always be this way. Some days better, some days worse. I miss my parents and I know that one day I will be gone as well. But hopefully the memories we build now will survive.

What Goes Around

Interesting enough, the other day I was in an indepth conversation with my eldest child when the phone rang. I answered. Which led to a rebuke from child about the phone being more important than him. His words went to my heart. I have on many occasions allowed the phone or other things to be first above them. Now time for a change.

Last night my youngest was with a group of people and waited until the last to leave in order to talk to a man he looks up to. They engaged in a conversation then another man came up and took the conversation away. My heart was greatly grieved that this man had a sixteen year old want to tell him his heart, and he chose not to listen. He may never understand what happened, but I saw my son's fallen face, and I hurt.

I will listen, they will give me another chance. Probably because I feed them and do their laundry. More than anything, I love them.

Pearls Before Swine

I've just recently discovered this gem. As soon as I figure out how to get cartoons and pics on here (and that's like my brain is fried and non-tech oriented these days - and time challenged) I will show some of my favorites.

Of course, I'm also trying to discover what is important to me as a philosophy. The synical side of me is defined in my opening phrase about kittens and snakes. Those who actually know me are torn between am I a pessimist or an optomist. I actually don't know except to say that I know that man is totally corrupt and that man's heart can be changed (so am I a Calvinist or Armenian??). Mine was and is in process. I totally believe man can do things beyond our imagination yet man is redeemable (yet I love Mitch Rapp and his function in fiction).

So here are a few quotes from Pearls Before Swine - and my favorites aren't here, I expect a book for Christmas (hint, hint)


Rat: If you could have a conversation with one person, living or dead, who would it be
Pig: The living one.
[pause]

Pig: You must really think I'm stupid.
* * * * *
from pearls before swine

i love the crocks

Rat: I'm poor.
Goat: They say a man's wealth is not measured by money, but by the number of good friends he's made.
Rat: I'm bankrupt. * * * * *


Pig: What are you reading?
Goat (holding book): It's a mystery.
Pig: Have you checked the title page?
* * * * *
Rat: I saw my cousin Gene today.
Pig: Is he the guy that runs marathons?
Rat: Yeah, but he's a real jerk ... nobody in my family likes him.
Pig: It must be tough to have a bad Gene that runs in the family.

Will have more to follow. Must go educate the child now.

Random Thought

Thought from the current book, sadly not a book of philosophy or great wisdom, a political thriller: Act of Treason by Flynn

"It is what it is."

The context doesn't matter, just the thought. It's been on my mind all day. Simple, True, to the point.

"It is what it is."

Giving

This morning Fat Doctor spoke about patients giving gifts to her and some of the residents. It brought to mind how many patients have brought us gifts in the unit. It's really sweet when someone takes the time to do something like that. One family that I had spent a lot of time with heard me asking for Whoppers from the drugstore and bought me a huge carton of them. Others have brought all kinds of things for us to eat (and we love it!).

Why do they give, after all, they will have a huge bill to pay. For the same reason that we offer coffee to the lineman that restores our power, we (and they) are the personal part of the whole. I would never think to write "thank you" on my check to the electric company, but on a snowy day I'll offer coffee to the lineman outside. I know he's being paid well, but still, it's a human thing. I can "do my job" without getting attached, or offering comfort, or those hugs and pats, but that's not who I am. I do piss people off, I tell the truth, hopefully in a kind way, but somedays they don't get "mama's gonna die" until you say it that way.

Recently we had an employee's mom in the unit. The day I came back from vacation I asked how mom was because I hadn't seen her yet. She told me they wanted her to make her a DNR and she just didn't think she could. We talked for a long time, then I went to see her mother. She was dying as we spoke. I got the daughter (she was on the job), told her she needed to take off NOW and we could call her supervisor if needed, but she needed to be with mom. She died about an hour later with the daughter at the bedside, still not aware that mama was not coming back. A month later she asked me how I knew she needed to be there. It was so sweet, I was just going to get coffee that day when I stopped to talk to her. Her mom wasn't my patient. I wasn't charge. But I still cared. That's why people bring us gifts, and yes, I will accept.

The most difficult for me to see is a man that I cared for his wife in the ER. He's an employee, environmental services. It's my only patient to die in the ER on me. The doctor wanted to send her home and I didn't know better at the time. The man went home to get ready for work, she coded and died while he was gone. He was never mad at me, never showed anger. Later he told me she said she was going to die. But I see him every week, he says hello, and I still feel guilty. But I did learn, I know a lot more now and would never send someone home with those labs. I'm sorry bud.

Dare I Ask?

Things are not well in the church. Alas, I've been down this road before, and I don't want to do it again, EVER. At this time, I sit and wait and watch. I fear that those around me have assumed which "side" I'm on. I'm not on any side. I'm watching and waiting. At this time I have questions, but not what they think. I would like a copy of the constitution and by-laws, of the church and the whole organization. I would like to see the budget. You know, funny thing was I wanted this before I was aware there were problems. Why??? Why not? Mostly because I am curious. I've heard a lot of stuff about the denomination that I'm in and didn't find the answers on the website. They would probably think so I can raise questions, spread unrest. Nah, I really don't want to cause any judgement my way. I ask questions all the time. I just want to know the rules. I haven't asked for them, which sounds silly, but in a way I'm afraid to, some might think I'm up to something. Don't assume things about me. I actually was more concerned with the structure of the overall organization.

Then there are the people. I really like the people at this church. However, in the many years that we have been attending, none have really invited us into their homes. Many knew that I stuggled with my faith, and yet said nothing. It's okay, yet I do remember. I'm hesitatant to throw my heart out there to anyone these days. There is one, a new one in the church, I've reached out to, yet since she has become aware that I knew about the problems, I've heard nothing from her. Friends, or was I mistaken. Am I misreading, I don't know. And the bad thing is, the people we've always been friends with are the ones that are leaving.

In some ways this reminds me of some things at work. I am considered part of Adminsitration (a very very minor part - you know, if it goes wrong I can be blamed, but not much on the getting credit for good things). At work I get told things I'm not supposed to know by some, so I get to hold that in. I have the hospital logo stamped upon my forehead. Yet I love this hospital, even with all the things I see that are wrong. Would it be better somewhere else, I doubt it. I see a place that I can function well, where I am overall respected and known. But some days I feel like I must spout the "party line" and hold back my true feelings.

For now, I'll buy the new shoes to wear with the dress and go to church. I'll go and I'll wait and watch and I have a great supply of Maalox (probably should buy stock in the company).
And since the one thing I know is that God isn't letting me get super comfortable (note previous post regarding Sunday School, Diet Dr. Pepper and heathen children), also a lack of brain cells to remember who these people are, I fear that God is very interested in keeping me humble. I verbalized today to a friend that I may work more Sundays now, I can pick up some hours. I don't know. Why can't church be just about worship? I sat today at the piano and had some worship time. Christmas is here, my focus will be on the right thing then. My faith is returning, maybe I need to realize a) it's not my church, it's His b) He can take care of His church and c) my focus should be on Him, not anything else. Somedays it's hard to let go, but I must set it free. I'm not looking to leave or anything, just need to let God do in His church what He wants. It's a group of frail humans, not the total expression of who He is (although it should be).

So yes I'm angry. I don't want people assuming anything about me. I have questions, but give me credit. If you are worried about me, ask!!!! It does frustrate me that I've heard "I've worried about you with the past you've had." yet where was the phone call???I'm not so frail that I can't handle reality. Good Grief! You admire the depth my children have and you surely know that some of that comes from home. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Gripe Gripe Gripe

And the children of Israel, in the desert complained to God constantly regarding manna - we want meat!!!! So they had meat until they were sick.

The nurses complain, we don't want too many patients, yet they complain when the census is down, we want overtime. I found myself not speaking yesterday to one that I trained because he complained after he called and requested to come in and work that *gasp* we gave him patients. And later in the day, he got mad because the charge nurses let someone else go home. I don't get it.

According to the song by Keith Green, God got so mad "he even took our junk"..... the nurse got mad, left campus to smoke and was in a car wreck...... no I'm not glad about that. Just observant.

Today I work with him, I'm still mad, but I suspect I must forgive him lest I fall into error. GRRRRR But I will really try to watch my complaining...... how does my boss do it?

The Book Challenge

I saw this on Fat Doctor and thought it would be fun. Actually wasn't sure what the closest book would be. Turns out, Janet Evanovich Twelve Sharp. Which will now be placed in my backpack to take to a friend.

Here are the rules:1. Grab the nearest book.2. Open the book to page 123.3. Find the fifth sentence.4. Post the text of the next four sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest!

"I don't know where he's originally from," Lorraine said. "He was working as a security guard at Potomac Mills Mall when she met him. He told her it was only a temporary job until his business took off." "What business was that?" "He was a bounty bunter. Carmen thought that was real cool."

Ah Janet, better to have a shower scene with Ranger (do you hear my heart go pitter patter) but the story is coming right back. For those in the know, Ranger or Joe????? Myself, Ranger all the way.

The other books were things I haven't put up from lazyness or whatever Vince Flynn "Consent to Kill", "Vocabulary Cartoons" to help 16 year old's vocab, " Lab and Diagnostic Tests, and Pass CCRN (for those that are ADD, BORING). Okay, that was fun! Come on Chaplain the Kid, what was close to you????

Too Much of a Good Thing

Chocolate, nah, never too much. Family, some times they are too much with us. But today, its too much colour. Okay, I've been using the same guy for my hair for 16 years. He knows the rules about my hair: must be able to twirl it when stressed and must be able to tuck it behind my ears. Next rule will be, no shocking changes. Ever! The plan was to go a little darker (it's been kinda strawberry blonde which was a struggle for me, I still prefer brown, but got lots of compliments about the colour) and do some highlights. Well, it's like red. Not fire engine, but more red than I was ready for. I go back to work tomorrow, I'm not ready for this. He forgot about the highlights, which would have helped. *cough, cough*

I'm not charge tomorrow, which is fine. However one of the guys will be there that I'm already tense around. He hates me, actually I'm not sure about that, it would require him giving me credience to be alive, not sure he goes that far. Then one of my best friends, who will tell me the truth - which will help me know if I need to call my guy and see what we can do. *cough, cough* Then maybe Chaplian the Kid will pray for me, I really need it (the world is too much with me today). sigh *cough, cough*

The plan - false bravado....... wait, that's what I do on Sunday to face church. UGH, no relief. I'm thinking the monastary Laughing Pastor mentions would do me good, well, maybe a convent would be better, given my anatomy. Suck it up, suck it in. Life goes on. At least I HAVE hair and that's more than some can say. So my friend, you're up, and I know you know who you are.... oh mouthy one!!!!

I'm Still in Shock

I'm not sure why I'm telling this on myself, except that it's funny and I basically have lost so much pride anyway, why not. This returning to church thing has been very stressful for me. I don't know why, just learning all the names, when so many know me and my family. But I've really thrown myself into it: Sunday School party, lunch with the SS ladies, Pampered Chef parites, etc. I even bought two new dresses to wear - this is huge. So on a previous Sunday I wore one of the new dresses, what I forgot to do (and still haven't done) is bought shoes and knee-high hose. That morning as I was frantically trying to get ready and discovered what I had forgot, I thought ah, I can find some around here, and I was successful. However, one had a small runner (who's going to be looking at my legs anyway) and another not really matching one that the elastic at the top wasn't strong. It's two hours, how bad could this be???

On the way to church I bought a coke (16oz) to drink in Sunday School. When I got in the class one of the nice ladies that I really like talked to me for a few minutes, then said, "oh look, your hose fell down." Of course, the adreniline kicked in, I grabbed it and RIP! Great, but I'm thinking, I'll just slip into the bathroom after SS, turn the tear to the inside, no one will see and I'll need to pee before church anyway."

Well, SS ends, nice lesson..... and off I race to the bathroom. Oh, did I forget to mention the shoes I'm wearing fly off my feet with the hose, every other step I'm having to put them back on. Down the stairs, almost there, one more corner....... WHAM!!!! some little heathen child runs around the corner and nails me, bladder level...... I've had three rather large children, I'm fortyish, uh, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM........ after I pick myself up off the floor, I retreat to the bathroom (that I no longer need to use now). I frantically decide that if I hurry I can find spouse, run home, change and make it back before anyone is the wiser. However, at our church the designers made it so that you pretty much have to walk from the front of the sanctuary to get to the back where spouse is. In the course of doing that sooooooo many people were sooooo friendly, I'm still hearing about how "not your self" I was. Well, after getting to the house, I just couldn't bring myself to return. (Yes, I'm late for church because I have this little problem......)

I suspect I will have the repair done sooner after this. I just hate the thought of being a patient. That brings up all new issues, and I've not been so trusting lately.

Add - How to Survive Church

I have recently discovered that I'm ADD. I figure we didn't know because when I was growing up we didn't test kids for it, they were just discipled into stillness or some version of stillness. I'm not that bad, the only time that it would have been really helpful was in nursing school.

Church now is the biggest problem. I have the attention span of a gnat and I don't learn as well listening anyway. Hence I need to do something to keep busy. Today I sat next to a kid, figure he's twelvish. He too struggles, he looked at my watch, played with my ring, had a small chain that he ran in and out of the communion cup holder (I hope his mom doesn't bust him for that one - but she was tied up with the snoring smaller child - ps, it was cute). So herein is the question - how do we survive church when we don't want to be a distraction. In my previous life I played on the worship team and had worked out some of the wiggle before I had to sit still. Now I am forced to sing (I pity those around me) and think of how I would play that particular song. Obviously I have a problem. I want input - but here is a starter list.

1. Take notes (too much like school for me)
2. Draw pictures - the problem here is that my best thing is nudes and I'm not sure that would be appropriate for church
3. Compare feet - sounds weird, but maybe I could draw them......
4. Play with roseary beads - again a problem, I'm a Baptist, do I have to say Hail Mary's with them????
5. Pick dirt out of watch
6. Play with ring - it has diamonds, they are very pretty in the lights. At our church the lights are similar to trauma lights. You ask, how do I know what the trauma lights make my ring look, shouldn't I be paying attention to the trauma. Have I mentioned the attention span of a GNAT???
7. Play with pen - however clicking noises are bad. If you take the pen apart you can play with the spring, but the downside is that if you lose the spring..... well, the old ladies might not appreciate it.....
8. Make comments about the sermon - downside, well, the pastors wife might read this blog and think I don't like the sermon. Pastor is actually good teacher, have I mentioned attention span of a gnat???
9. Play with hair, however gives appearance that I'm not interested. Bad example to kid.
10. Tourniquets - good bookmark, good toy. May be rolled up in interesting ways, make knots, pop kid next to me.

So, feel free to help out here. I love comments, I suspect that the whole two people that read this choke back their thoughts. Oh, go for it. I'm really not that sensitive.

Oops

I forgot to mention the outcome. We intubated the pt (it wasn't easy), got 900 mls out while suctioning, placed the NGT - got another 1800 out - and extubated later in the day. We suspect there is a blockage. This lady is not done with us yet. I just hope the daughter gets the support she needs.

Sad Stories Are Everywhere

The unit had it tough today, four nurses were tripled up, a busy day all about. In one of my last blogs I mentioned patients sucking the life out of me, I had no clue what today would hold.

Yesterday I got involved in someone else's pt family, reassuring them that she was making some good decisions, trying to make a connection. Today we were going to do a procedure and needed her consent. She didn't want to do it, as strange as it sounds, we had to do an EGD to get an NG tube down - there had been some nasty aspiration and no one could place it, including doing it under fluro. I sat down with the pt's daughter to try listen to her, see what I could say that would help her. She began to talk about she just couldn't lose her mother, she still wasn't over when her son died. Soon it was all out - seven years ago her son had been murdered in the commission of a robbery. The man robbing him at a business, an inside job, wanted to know what it would feel like to kill someone. Her son had willingly given the money but it just wasn't enough. He died alone on the floor. She also saw on the news him being removed from the scene in a body bad. He was married and had a baby.

It's tempting to ask whether you have other children, but no other child takes the place of one lost. You might ask if you are in therapy, but I'm sure she has been. They have told her she has Post Traumatic Stress and I believe it. All I could do was cry. So I listened and cried and thought of my children and those of my friends. I truely can't imagine. I silently prayed for her, for there is none on earth that can heal those wounds. And we called Chaplain the Kid to come and be with her. I was spent in only a few minutes.

So the day began, that was the first thing after charge report. I stayed behind and was an hour late leaving tonight. My nurses were stressed, I was stressed. At least tomorrow I won't be charge, but I suspect that I will have to be tripled with new pt's. I can't fuss, I'm one of the strong ones. But I'm so thankful that I've not walked the road many of those around me have been placed on. So now to refresh my soul for a few moments until I pass out from exhaustion.

FD - how can you do 19 days??? I stuggle for more than three at a time.

OH NO!!!

It was a simple task, call the church, see if #3 son was on the list for the activity. How hard could it be??? So I dialed the number from memory 555-5555..... it rang several times then came the voice...... at first I thought, why is the youth director doing the voice message? Then I heard what was being said, "You have reached The Gathering... formerly known as blah, blah, blah" The HORROR!!! It was the old church, the ones we left with barely our minds intact, the ones that sent me into Egypt..... ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!!!! My mind screamed like fire was striking me, I almost dropped the phone, THE HORROR!!!! I can't describe why it was so bad, but trust me, this was bad. Then there's the thought about caller ID, what if they notice I called, will they call me????? Panic, Panic!!

I need a bunny, a kitten, maybe several bunnies....... *shudder* I'd take a stiff drink but I'm supposed to go to church tonight and I'm not thinking they would understand. Besides, I don't have any. Wait, chocolate, its the answer...... I suspect some would say I should pray or meditate or something, but trust me, chocolate. :) (hunting in backpack, there's usually chocolate there as well....) Be quiet my mind.....

Refreshment

My spirit is weary. Things that happened before are happening again and I'm tired. Yet tomorrow I go back to work where I will have patients that will suck my soul out. Today is my day where for a few hours I'm alone (well, with the laundry, dogs, cleaning, etc). Typically I put on the iPod and sing myself sore and clean until children come home and complain - yeah, the froglike sound gets on their nerves - I figure my house....... So today I'm wanting to refresh and reload and I hear Charlie Hall "Come for Me" then "All Creatures of Our God and King" by David Crowder. These are wonderful songs but better when the border collie throws you the football to play it just seemed right. So while I whine and hear "Jesus I'll patiently wait" the BC wasn't so patient. And play does refresh us, she knows better than I. Who knows, maybe God hasn't abandoned me after all. Now I must go toss a football.

Bunnies and Kittens

While just sitting here reading Chaplain the Kids blog from some time ago I came across this quote: "The unity with which we were created can be seen in the way that anger triggers high blood pressure, and in the way that prayer and petting a bunny can lower it."

Isn't that cool? I love quotes. I don't quote often but I love reading them. I also collect cartoon books, currently I suspect the writer of Zits must be peering into my house. Well, actually the house in the cartoon is far cleaner than mine, I lose that battle daily.

Can I pick a favorite quote, no. But one that often comes to mind is from the great philosopher Jethro Tull: "He who made kittens put snakes in the grass." Why that one? I don't know, past history, current people in my life that I'm afraid to hug lest I give them a better target for the knife. Yes I've commented before about Southern culture but I dare say I would rather just avoid certain situations. As was said in Fiddler on the Roof, "God bless the Tzar and keep him far away." So I say about those that would do me and mine harm, whether intentional or not.

Methinks I need a bunny, and maybe some more Maalox..... Actually I do carry a bottle of Maalox in my backpack, along with a book or two, articles I need to read, spare undies (don't ask), stetoscope, batteries (not sure why, I think I forgot to get them out), scissors, hemostats, tons of paper stuff, should I dig deeper, nah, God only knows what I would find (maybe a bunny.....)

When It Works

One of the neat things about my job is when you get a patient in and they are in distress and you do "your thing" and they get better. Twice this weekend I got to do it. Got a lady who was going to get bronched and when they hooked her up to the monitors she was in uncontrolled atrial fib. For you non medical folks, this wouldn't always be bad, but her heart rate was 150 and this was new (this is one of the things that can cause those nasty blood clots you hear about). I tossed her in the bed (okay, placed nicely), called the doc, and started her amiodarone bolus. It was so cool, she converted with the bolus, I placed her on the drip and then discovered SHE'S A GROUCH!!! Oh well, it worked.

The next day my patient that was on cardizem already went into uncontrolled a-fib, same thing, only he didn't respond so nicely. He dropped his pressure, got diaphoretic, looked like crap and stuff like that. The fun part was, I had to think, do, and call the doc. Actually he had also developed chest pain but we had to figure out was it cardiac or was it from the surgery he had (we suspect now that he was developing pluersy). I did my thing, the family was all worried, but at the end when we were all better they were so happy with us. I never got "scared" I knew what to do, and it was all good. Some days I don't know what to do, it's just nice when I actually do know. The goal is to get where I know more and can respond faster.

I'm so far from where I want to be in my knowledge base, but I'm excited because I see improvement. When I work with these new grads and they think I'm so smart, I tell them that I'm not, I've just seen some of this before. I still think if my boss knew how dumb I really am, she would ditch me. But four years ago I was new, in four more years I'll think about how little I know now. Learning and growing......

Rough Day

Our patient / nurse ratio is usually 2:1, today I had 4 nurses that were 3:1. While I know that a lot of RN's have a tougher patient load, this is critical care. Two of the nurses that were tripled had patients die, both of these were expected deaths but we have bonded with the families. One I have previously written about, well known in the community, family man and I suspect not very religious. The other was an older lady but she was obviously well loved by her family. It plays on your emotions. Tonight I am very tired and drained. I do know what the families are going through, my dad died in our unit several years ago before I while I was in nursing school. Do I feel their pain, yes and no. Yes I understand and I can pull those emotions out of me. I often share with families my experience to help them make decisions. But yet, I don't know this person like they do, and yet often I get very attached to the family and I have to believe that they were special because I see the product of their love.

Then today and yesterday both I had to confront a staff member about unacceptable behaviour. I can't describe how difficult that is for me. Different situations both times, but yet it had to be done. In one case it was disrespect shown to me, and while in some ways I don't care I respresent authority in the unit and I am considered part of administration. In the other, a nurse refused his assignment and that had to be dealt with. So basically, they were they same thing but voiced differently. I would have preferred today to just take the new patient and let it go, but I can't always do that. And to recognize that the problem is deeper than just one patient. This time it would have been easy to fix, but the next time it could mean whether or not someone lives or dies. And actually I did take the patient, I did hang the meds that fixed the problem and I did relieve the stress, but he said no when no was not an acceptable answer.

I love my job. I love getting a new patient and being able to do something that makes a difference. It's sweet!!! Nursing is the coolest job you can have. And they pay me for this!!!!! Hopefully tomorrow when I'm on my third day I'll remember this last paragraph and not focus on the one before. That being said, I'm off to bed.

Chaplain the Kid

We have this chaplain, he's 25, married with a young baby. We all adore him, he's been a good sport with all of us and has amazed us with his wisdom and insight. It's been wonderful to watch how the families all seem to take to him. It took me off guard because of his youth I would have thought that the older ones wouldn't relate to him, but overall they really respond to his care.

Today he came into the unit supervisors office and she called him "chaplain the kid". You know, it suits him. He has until August of next year to put up with this. Poor guy, all that education and this is how he will be known. *giggle*

So what makes someone become a chaplain in the hospital. Some of ours are really good, some I regret calling when they show. We have one that covers ER a lot, I'm not sure if the disasters are full moon related or because he's on call. However, he does well with the families. Actually he was with me when my dad died. One that showed up over the weekend was soooooo bad, the family member asked if he did this all the time or just throw on his clothes and come in off the street that night. She's not been so responsive to the rest of the chaplains after that. The head of the program has displayed tremendous wisdom in some tricky situations - and is part of our ethics team. At some point I would really like to get involved with that group - I'm sure there is much to learn and grow there.

But most of all I watch them shepherd the flock: patients, nurses, families. Some of them realize that special relationship, others are clueless to the opportunity that abounds there. I know for myself, there are times when I realize I'm closer to "chaplain the kid" than I am to many in the church, and I definately trust him more than most. But then, he wades into the heart of the matter with me, while others discuss the theory. So heres to you, Chaplain the Kid, may your paths be blessed.

Follow Up

Yesterday I went to see the man in the hospital I previously wrote about. He got his birthday present (his birthday would have been today) as I arrived. I think there was only a minute of real uncomfort for Jimmy, so he did go quickly. He is now with Jesus doing things we can't imagine. Isn't it wonderful, it's so far beyond our imagination! I would say, "I can't wait" but I can. I'm not in a rush, but neither am I afraid. There is much in my life that I have to believe will not be seen by Jesus when he looks at me, because He knows and has forgiven me. But there is much He has done in my life that makes me know that I'm a product of Him and have nothing to fear.

So what do we think Heaven will be? For me, I joke that Ben and Jerry's will be unlimited..... but maybe there's better than B & J? Can I finally play the piano better than now, like no wrong notes?? Could I finally sing?? Will my worship be unhindered by my frail mind? Will I finally understand why?? You ask why what? I say why anything. Why did all that crap happen in the church? Why are people mean? Why couldn't I have been wealthy? Why does B & J make me fat? Why almost anything in history? I'll be able to do math, on the downside, I won't care!!!! Why does the one kid I have that likes to read have to be dyslexic? My mind is spinning with the thoughts. Wow, now I have something to think about while I dwell on another issue, why can't I have someone clean my house, I need house fairys..... now I just have "those people that live in my house that leave their crap all about".

For now, I'll take my imperfect voice, my iPod, and clean the house. Then I'll take my fingers and play for awhile on the piano and worship the one that gave me the sense to wonder. So how's your day?

My Hero

I've always been proud of my children, but I've never been able to say, "there goes my son the (football, basketball, soccer, academic) star." Today, the youngest made me so very proud to be his mother. There is a man in our church that is dying. He is in the hospital in one of the critical care units. I went to visit this morning and he asked to see my 16 year old son. They worked together at one time in the food pantry. Now granted, I work in the hospital but these children absolutely hate hospitals. It was tough when their grandparents were in to get them to go (and yes, I understand).

I was worried when I had to ask the child this morning to go, I figured he would argue or fuss, but all he said was okay. When we went, he spoke to the patient, shook hands with the son and behaved himself as an adult (maybe better). I wondered, did he really understand how bad the patient was, he's on a morphine pump, 50% venimask, 2 chest tubes, and air hungry, his hands were already purple coloured. Yet my son was very appropriate. Then we left. Then he cried. And cried. And I cried. And am still crying. I told him what a man he was for doing this, and I would have never asked him to do it had the man not asked for him by name. He wasn't asking for anyone else that I'm aware of, just this one.

We talked about smoking and the horrible effects it has on the body, the mans lungs are holes that can't hold the oxygen he breathes. We talked about mercy, and to pray that God would take him quickly, that we would probably put him into a medically induced coma to relieve his suffering. I wanted him to understand we don't condemn those that this happens to, we pray for mercy.

But most of all, I pray for my son's tender heart, that it would always be tender. His love for this man overcame his aversion to the surroundings. And I know our Father is watching this and is even more aware of what it took for the child to do this, and I know who put the love in his heart. "But as you do it to the least of these......"

I Love Haldol

Haldol is a wonderful drug. I had a bipolar / probably schizophenic patient that is on a balloon pump. Not the best combination. She totally didn't get that she could die because we had a balloon close to her heart. She really wanted to get up and leave. Little haldol, little ativan and she began to see things my way. I guess from her prospective I didn't have the goodies she was used to: cocaine, crack, and ETOH. But then, all things are better with chemistry...... I just have legal ones.

The other patient in the unit on a balloon pump was a man that is in his 50's, woke up this morning with chest pain and had a hugh MI. His wife had to do CPR and kids had to help. I'm not sure his outcome is going to be good, even though CPR was started quickly he was in V-fib awhile. Seems like I heard at least 10 shocks. This man is well known in the community and these kids are teenagers. So tragic, it hit me close to home, his wife appears to be about my age.

The irony is obvious......

On Being Southern

I've grown up in the south and therefore know no other life. Recently I've met some friends that "aren't from here" that have made me evaluate certain parts of the southern culture. Overall, I find that there are things about us that are quite refreshing, most people will speak to you whether they know you or not, the genteel wave as cars pass, friendly comments in the elevator. Who can argue that these are good?

Then there is our tendancy to smile even though we hate you. According to one of my dear friends, I'm not very good at that one (seems I should stay away from the poker tables). While I will try not to be overtly rude, I just don't acknowledge you exist if I'm not fond of you (but then too, I may have just not seen you, and I'm sticking to that story). There are those that will wave and enquire into your health then turn and say to their companion, "I can't stand them." I find that disturbing to my energy level, why wave in the first place? Then I remember, we must never be rude.

So here is the question: is it better to be rude and true to your feelings or should you just go with the flow? Then we must bring in our Christianity. What would Jesus have us do.... oh wait, that would be love our enemies, scratch that, takes FAR to much work. Then we would have to pray for them and, well, we can't have that. (does this mean that I have to speak to that awful doc I really, really, really can't stand..... nah)

I like polite society. I can and have killed with kindness. If I've done well, you may never know that I would prefer you not be around. But then, I wonder, do the people I think like me because they like me or are they just being nice. You know, I don't care. I'm old enough now that I do know my friends, the others, well, they shall adapt. Honesty is a wonderful thing, but you have to be sure that people are ready for it. If you don't like me, I really don't want to know, it's a waste of my energy to dwell on it. I'll figure out you won't want to hang out with me eventually. I used to say just tell me, but not now. But ultimately what I believe is this: that as we do unto others it will be done to us. That means in this case, I'll not be rude or mean to you, maybe God will change my heart. It's happened before that some I thought I had no grace for became one that was able to help me in my walk. And if you're gracious with me, maybe God will help me to have a part in your life. Trust me on this though, you come up and slap me, I'm not going to be very receptive to anything that follows.

Now to clean house, I go back to the zoo tomorrow. Hopefully this time it will be them exposing me to stuff instead of the other way around. I almost feel human.

Visiting the Doctor

Yes, it was bad enough that I paid money to go see a doctor. I begged. It's not so much the snot now as the headache, it won't go away. And that includes when I'm not around the teenager, so it's not him. Seems the resident thinks I won't die, at least not today. Shot a chest X-Ray and did the look, listen, and feel. Surprise, URI. Well, still on the Levaquin, and hopefully by next week I will be better or I can come back.

I'm a terrible patient, if I had been the nurse I would have probably said, "why are you wasting my time?" but at the same time a week of antibiotics, celestone, and other goodies, surely I should be better. Oh well. This is why I don't like going to the doctor unless I'm sure I'm about to die.

Well, must trot off here and save the kitchen. There are dishes that are begging for attention and I really can't stand it any longer. One day I will make enough money to afford a house keeper. Until then.......

JOY UNSPEAKABLE

This sounds terrible, but FAT DOCTOR READ MY BLOG!!!!! Thank you oh great one!!! Actually I've really learned a lot from reading her site and feel like I'm part of another whole community. Sadly, this community is grieving the loss of a young MD named Glorified Midwife. I've recently read all that she had written and have been reminded yet again oh how much loss there is in this world. Her family should know that even though many of us have never met her, we appreciated the brightness and joy that was in her.

It amazes me still that even though I treat patients with this condition, PE, that she died from, I still went back to read about it. How does this strike someone so young and healthy? But then, the physical body amazes me.

And on that note, I'm amazed at how much snot and mucous my body is producing. My patients voted yesterday and decided that sending me home was better than taking a chance at catching what I have. Seems my sitting my the cardiac monitor and moaning was not comforting to them. Self medicating may have not been the brightest choice, my blood sugar is now elevated from the meds, but I can breathe somewhat better. I really thought I would be feeling better by now, this sucks. I'm tired of this, I can't imagine what real patients feel like. Tomorrow I have to educate the child, hopefully he will be somewhat compliant and helpful in the task. I'm thinking that if I'm trying to read to him like this it may not go so well. You know, read three words, pant, pant, pant, three more words..... Oh well, back to watching the monitor...... tv...... God help me if I hear a code in my sleep........

Less snot, more green stuff

Yeah, you wanted to hear this. I guess it's not a good sign when your co-workers are spraying you with disinfectant. I was banned from certain rooms, and sounded worse than several of the patients. And for once, my patients really didn't want me coming around them. Something about wanting to live. (and this from the ones that don't know I'm the angel of death). One code on the floor, I didn't think I could make it, sent someone else. CPR at 100 / minute wasn't about to happen. I would have walked in and suggested just calling it, no energy. Only slept one and half hours last night, think I'm going to call it early tonight and pray for sleep. Later.....

Snot, Snot Everywhere a Snot

Went to Wednesday night church last night for the first time in forever on my long walk back from Egypt. In case I haven't mentioned this before, I'm still so thankful I was only there for 10 years, not forty like the original group God took by the hand. Anyway, one of the things I took away from this was about following Christ, you know, be like Him, et (this is not intended to be a Bible lesson, keep reading).

Last night I could hardly sleep, I very seldom get sick but one of the things that is common is this state (I still don't understand why people move here on purpose) is that the pollen comes out and turns everything yellow. Not kidding. My body reacts appropriately to this invasion and therefore I was filled with snot, my throat was horribly sore and I couldn't breathe and lay down. Makes for a crappy day of work. This morning, trying to take a more positive approach I emailed the pastors wife to pray for me. Okay, I don't do this often. My snot is usually just for me to whine about but I thought since I was the charge nurse in the ICU that I should have half a brain to function with (the patients certainly would hope so). I really need to learn to specify what needs prayer.

Okay, I get to work, playfully whine about how crappy I feel, grab a box of snotrags (kleenex by sandpaper), and *sneeze* get to work. My voice kept going out, I was popping cough drops like crazy and trying not to sneeze while needing to pee (a whole new topic). Mid morning I had a doctors appointment, snuck out of the unit and walked to it. BTW, there was weight loss, the endocrine doc was happy for once. Walking back to the hospital, well, not so good. Seems I can't walk in my new shoes and listen to the iPOD. The comment was later made that I was trying out for the new speed bump in the road. Both palms, one elbow and one knee were shredded. A few cars did stop to see if I was alive - or gaging the distance to the iPod and watch that flew off me. Of course, this gave all new topics for whining. Then I went to the ER to beg for a shot to dry this mess up with (yes, now my butt was asaulted). Thank you!!!! (It's not a good sign when your fantasies are for shots by the way!! and you really don't care who gives it or where - at that point I think I would have dropped my pants in the middle of the ER). The only thing really going my way today was that I had a student taking care of the patient and nobody coded on the floor. I can't imagine doing CPR with snot flowing on the patient. Anyway, I had a meeting late in the afternoon, the chaplain noticed my wounds and asked what happened. HE brought up, and I know I can't spell so I hope this is right, stigmata. So, DANA, what did you pray for??? was this to be like Christ, cause I think there was a far too literal interpretation applied!!!! Just kidding.

I hope this doesn't kill anyones image of healthcare, but truely the patients should be sicker than the nurses, which is why I get disgusted in the ER, many days I was sicker than those being treated. Long post, sorry, I thought it was funny, however, a lack of sleep and steroids do funny things to the mind. And tomorrow I'm charge again...... maybe you should pray for the patients.... And that I'll remember not to alcohol my hands when entering the rooms....

Friends - New and Old

I went shopping today with my spouse. I hate shopping, well, except for book shopping. But since I've decided to really start attending church I probably needed more than one thing to wear. Scrubs are wonderul and since my work requires me to wear the same colour scrubs all the time I don't have to shop much for those. Fortunately I look good in the colour they require me to wear, at least it wasn't some sick powder blue. There are many stores close to here, but I tend to favour Dillards. When they have stuff on sale, its a good sale. I found 2 dresses with jackets that will work well with my basic black pants as well. So, four outfits for about $100. Not bad.

Here's the friends part. I was so excited I went to a friends house to show them off. This is atypical behaviour for me. I think I'm finally throwing off some of the insecurity that has always plagued me. "They don't want me to drop by." or "They are just being nice." No, I finally think they actually like me. For anyone that actually knows me, they will find this somewhat surprising. My bravado is pretty much a sham. The evidence of that was the massive panic attack that occured one Sunday at church when one of the new staff members spoke to me. A simple "hello" sent me running! My reasoning was that learning all of these peoples names is very stressful. That, and of course the fact that I wore the same clothes all the time. So now to wear the clothes with my head up, quit getting lost in the church (it was sweet, a couple of the ladies have figured out that I really don't know my way around), and act like I belong. Honestly, if someone would just drop dead, I would KNOW what I was doing and feel useful, but I can't bring myself to ask for a volunteer, I like the old people the best. Enough for now.... thanks for the one of you that actually reads this, I do love the comments.

The Elderly...Dogs that is

We have an older dog. It is much like having an elderly parent or a small child. We have to shake her food for her to find it some days, raise our voices to make sure she hears us and sometimes she walks into things. I don't see signs of pain, so I can't bring myself to do anything but give her extra love right now. I am worried about this winter when her arthritis acts up, but hopefully we can control that with meds.

We've always called her an "old lady in a dog suit" because she has always been persnickity. She was a gift from my parents, besides the house one of the last things I have that I inherited. Yes, the house, a cat and a dog. And Ginger knows that she has lived her longer than us. A few months ago she decided she would no longer sleep in the laundry room, I gathered that it was her house and she was now sleeping in the master bedroom, we could adjust. You know, we did. When I figure this thing out, I will post a picture of her. The other dogs are border collies and so she has had to adapt to them. Actually she made them adjust but she also trained the children.

Isn't life funny, we have the dogs, the cats own us, and God made it all.

Return from the Abyss

Three days of work, and they got their money's worth out of me this time. I'm not one of those that just sits around well, but some days we have a little more time to get things done. This time was not one of those. I don't think I left on time once, and that was with folks helping me. Thursday I got a little man down from the floor in respiratory distress, we intubated three hours later because he was stuggling so much and sats were not so good. It's always hard when you go from having a patient that is talking and you get to know them a little bit, then you sedate them and even know that you may never talk to them again. We were able to wait on his wife to come back before we intubated so that they could be in agreement with the decision to intubate.

This man went from bad to worse. I can't believe he made it to Sunday. When you see ICU nurses excited about a sat of 80% you know it's bad. I had so many drugs going, I was using a mix of central line and PIV's to have enough places to put things. He was so unstable, we couldn't bathe him, turn him or anything. The doctor that was primarily treating him came in to see him even though he was off this weekend. The family was touched. At any rate, so far so good. Between losing one lung to cancer, now the other has ARDS, this guy barely has a chance. For those that know me, they are amazed b/c I've got the reputation as the "angel". Of course, some times we get lucky and the power shifts to another for the day.

Another treat for the weekend was both my families gave me treats!! Yeah! Feed the nurses!! Chocolate ROCKS! This was a good weekend for me to get chocolate, between the stress and other stuff, one friend loaded my pocket with the instructions that when she commanded I was to get some. And you know, it worked well, I started getting a bit stressed, she'd look at me, say "eat chocolate" and low and behold, it was doable. :) I love my friends, I love my patients and most of their families. *giggle*

Better Living Through Chemistry

The procedure went well. The alien ployp was removed without difficulty (well, as far as I know). Versed and Fentanyl are a wonderful combination. I love them. The last thing I remembered was the pat on the arm after "hello". Very smooth trick that doc did!!! And no complaints on my part. As far as having a colonoscopy, if ya gotta do it, this wasn't too bad.

Tomorrow is the return to work, 3 days of forced labour, however I shall give it my all. I do enjoy the folks I work with. I've not had anyone comment about how others do withdrawing of care, but I really do want to know how it's done across the country or world for that matter. As I gain trust in this thing I'll talk more about my feelings on these things. In my work I'm known as the "angel" in our department, it seems as if people are ever going to decide to let their loved ones go or if the patient is just going to go, it happens to me. At times, I didn't even say anything. One case, the patient was literally having parts of his body rot and his mother wouldn't allow him to be removed from life support (he was not a young man either, just no other family). The first day I cared for him, she came to me after visitation and said she wanted support removed. I called the physician, recieved orders, called his friends to come and sit with him. After the friends had time alone, when they were ready, I removed the support and he quietly passed away. While it was what needed to happen for this man, I never said anything to the mother about it. I've been told that I have a comforting way about it, I don't know. Some days it's hard to do it, yet I would rather it be me, because I know I will pray before I remove support, and I will medicate to be sure that the patient doesn't suffer, and I do care for the families around me. Death is very difficult, yet sometimes the families need to realize they can't stop hurting until they allow the patient to go. I'm never in a rush to see it, because you should be sure that this is the right thing to do, but someone must care enough to help the families. Thoughts???? And yes, I'm very much respectful to life, very much opposed to euthenasia.

The "Procedure"

Okay, I'm soooooooo excited. On Tuesday I get to have a garden hose run up a place where they aren't supposed to go. In fact, very little is supposed to go there. I've had this test before, never particulary cared for it and would rather not do this one. However, I'm not real interested in finding out that "gee, with your family history you should have known this was coming". Now, I'm a critical care nurse, I've helped with these. We do them in the unit on those poor folks that are to ill to go down to the "dark side of the basement". My selection of physicians to do this was actually based on two critieria: one, that the nurses that work in the dark side approve of him and two, that he not be one of the ones I see on a daily basis in the unit. There are some very good ones that come in a lot, and I adore them, however, I'm a touch on the shy side.

Now the next part of that is that I'm already starting the clear liquids. Yes, a little early, but I'm paranoid about not being clear on time. Seems I've had trouble with that in the past. As I was making the Jello today I'm seriously thinking about Jello shots. Oh to have at Fat Doctor advise me on this: would it be acceptable? But on the downside I'm thinking that I couldn't drink enough to last till the procedure is over. He's planning on Fentanyl and Versed. I'm worried about the Fentanyl, I mean, the patients I see that have had that wake up kinda quick. I want to be out longer and like, close to needing a vent. I really, really, really don't want to be awake at ALL for this. I've had other things and basically suggested they just give enough Valium to be able to catch me, talk to me and tell me jokes through the procedure and I'll be fine. NOT THIS TIME. I am a wienny about it.

Then a couple of ladies (the new ones) at the church have discovered the "procedure" is coming but have swore not to mention it to the spouses. See, I'm kinda "returning" to the fold and still not sure of myself around these folks. One of the men spoke to me one day and I had a panic attack - silly, no clue why. I mean, had he dropped to the floor dead I would / could have saved him. Without thinking. So why have no confidence here, not a clue. But, all that is another day. Well, vacation is officially over, must school the kid tomorrow and prepare. Oh joy!!

tigspeaks

HELP.......
I need some help please. For anyone reading this that is medical. How do you, in other parts of the universe (since I have only said I'm in the south - and actually anyone here as well) deal with end of life issues in your hospitals or units (I'm in Critical Care). Specifically if you are withdrawing care on a patient. I will eventually address a recent issue that I had to deal with, but still trying to decide how much I can share. Overall, a physician I don't think should have given withdrawal orders did, and wanted to give more medication than would have been neccesary to provide "comfort" while the ventilator was withdrawn.

The other thing is, compared to most of the blogs I've looked at, mine sucks. Ideals????

Thanks..

tigspeaks

VACATION: We are on day 4 of vacation, and day 4 of maybe I'll get the house clean today. So far, well, not so good. There was a time when I could clean a house in about three hours, but it wasn't my house and my junk in the way. Today the goal is to put the ipod on, crank it up, clean, then go eat lunch (which I have done a lot this week).

Yesterday I blew about an hour trying to figure out which songs I wanted to add to the ipod, one day some anthropologist is going to come along and try to figure out what we were like based on our music. My ipod has the Archies "sugar sugar" Keith Green "So you want to go back to Egypt", and I'm going to add Scooby Dooby do. Well, I can't even figure me out. I mean, Dave Matthews Charlie Brown theme is awesome.....

Okay, taking off the shoes, putting on the ipod.... sending the kid off to homeschool academy for the day. Kicking the dogs out of the way, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding......

Another day of vacation shot to heck

tigspeaks Today was day two of vacation. I spent it doing school with the remaining child at home, then lunch with the pastors wife, then kid to doctor (that shot a couple of hours). We did get to go out for dinner, spouse's birthday. He totally enjoyed the present - itunes gift card and time with the boys (these guys are 22, 19, and 16 - we don't get much time with them).

I've been reading some of the blogs, I'm working on trying to put my thoughts down but trying to figure out how I want to get there. Anyway, the nice thing about vacation was being away from the unit, but then, they called today to tell me how bad it was. I really don't mind, I'm thankful for my friends and that they trust me enough to vent. Sounds like it was horrible, a day where there were very few really experienced nurses and sick patients. But, in the modern world of nursing, this is where they get experience. The patients survived, the nurses survived. Well, we are noticing there are some that may need to find another area to work in if they can't get it together. But, time will tell.

Tomorrow is another day, need to clean, have lunch with yet another friend, and do school with the kid. Hopefully he will get educated in spite of who his teacher is.

tigspeaks

I have a day off, and what do I do..... hmmm, went to Wally World x 2, kid to homeschool academy, nap, McDonalds, and waiting to retrieve kid. I can't believe it. Oh, and called work twice. What about the fun things we are supposed to do? What is wrong with me. I have several good books to read, studying to do, and lets see....... life waiting to happen. Geez.

I've also reviewed some blogs, looking to see what other real people do with their time. Seems the lack of sleep isn't unusual for medical folks, the desire to lay around is commn. Maybe I am normal. Next week I'm off for the whole week, I plan of listing some of my favorite stories so that I can have them down for memory sake. There's an ethical question I would like to throw out if anyone care to look at it. All in all, I really hope to read a lot. Oh, I guess I will also have to homeschool the kid as well. But still, no work. *giggle*. I also need to learn how to jazz up these posts.

Beginning Thoughts

Please forgive my newness to this. I'm going to just try this as a first start to writing and expression. I'm a RN in a critical care unit in a southern state. I work at one of the larger hospitals in my area and am trying to grow in my knowledge base. I've always enjoyed writing so I hope that I can express some of the fun I have in my daily life along with some of my frustrations at, well, life. I would prefer not to have folks seek out where I am, as there is always the frustration of those that rule over us (ie administration). I'm only a small part of a large picture, a bug on the universe.

I've enjoyed reading the blog of Fat Doctor and looked at a few others. It's amazing to see how many parts to the whole there are and how we all have similar thoughts and dreams. I welcome comments, I hope to widen my circle of friends. Enough for now, the clothes are begging to be folded and the dust wishes to be set free.

This is a first, trying it out. Will do more later.