Dare I Ask?

Things are not well in the church. Alas, I've been down this road before, and I don't want to do it again, EVER. At this time, I sit and wait and watch. I fear that those around me have assumed which "side" I'm on. I'm not on any side. I'm watching and waiting. At this time I have questions, but not what they think. I would like a copy of the constitution and by-laws, of the church and the whole organization. I would like to see the budget. You know, funny thing was I wanted this before I was aware there were problems. Why??? Why not? Mostly because I am curious. I've heard a lot of stuff about the denomination that I'm in and didn't find the answers on the website. They would probably think so I can raise questions, spread unrest. Nah, I really don't want to cause any judgement my way. I ask questions all the time. I just want to know the rules. I haven't asked for them, which sounds silly, but in a way I'm afraid to, some might think I'm up to something. Don't assume things about me. I actually was more concerned with the structure of the overall organization.

Then there are the people. I really like the people at this church. However, in the many years that we have been attending, none have really invited us into their homes. Many knew that I stuggled with my faith, and yet said nothing. It's okay, yet I do remember. I'm hesitatant to throw my heart out there to anyone these days. There is one, a new one in the church, I've reached out to, yet since she has become aware that I knew about the problems, I've heard nothing from her. Friends, or was I mistaken. Am I misreading, I don't know. And the bad thing is, the people we've always been friends with are the ones that are leaving.

In some ways this reminds me of some things at work. I am considered part of Adminsitration (a very very minor part - you know, if it goes wrong I can be blamed, but not much on the getting credit for good things). At work I get told things I'm not supposed to know by some, so I get to hold that in. I have the hospital logo stamped upon my forehead. Yet I love this hospital, even with all the things I see that are wrong. Would it be better somewhere else, I doubt it. I see a place that I can function well, where I am overall respected and known. But some days I feel like I must spout the "party line" and hold back my true feelings.

For now, I'll buy the new shoes to wear with the dress and go to church. I'll go and I'll wait and watch and I have a great supply of Maalox (probably should buy stock in the company).
And since the one thing I know is that God isn't letting me get super comfortable (note previous post regarding Sunday School, Diet Dr. Pepper and heathen children), also a lack of brain cells to remember who these people are, I fear that God is very interested in keeping me humble. I verbalized today to a friend that I may work more Sundays now, I can pick up some hours. I don't know. Why can't church be just about worship? I sat today at the piano and had some worship time. Christmas is here, my focus will be on the right thing then. My faith is returning, maybe I need to realize a) it's not my church, it's His b) He can take care of His church and c) my focus should be on Him, not anything else. Somedays it's hard to let go, but I must set it free. I'm not looking to leave or anything, just need to let God do in His church what He wants. It's a group of frail humans, not the total expression of who He is (although it should be).

So yes I'm angry. I don't want people assuming anything about me. I have questions, but give me credit. If you are worried about me, ask!!!! It does frustrate me that I've heard "I've worried about you with the past you've had." yet where was the phone call???I'm not so frail that I can't handle reality. Good Grief! You admire the depth my children have and you surely know that some of that comes from home. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH