These three words are words that have always given me trouble. I may have not used them correctly in the following story. I have made bad choices, and I have seen others make choices that have (affected / effected) others. Thanksgiving when we were gathered with the collective family we discussed words that are difficult to know which one to use and that led to the title here.
Many years ago (14 or so) we were going to a church we loved, very connected and active in the church. Then came this move of the spirit and things got, well, strange. They changed from strange to worse. The pastor changed his focus, fired the deacons and elders, installed people he wanted (might I mention they didn't even live in the state) and after many people left the church, the pastor moved on to somewhere else to start his own ministry. In this midst of all this, I was the pastor's secretary. A few people have said, "Well, that explains a thing or two." Needless to say I saw a lot and heard more.
The end of us in the church came and we left. I was fine for awhile, but then the weight of all of it came down on me. I questioned how God could have led us into this disaster. I questioned a lot of things. I became very angry at God and decided that if that was the best He could do, I could do just as well on my own. After all, He led us into that disaster after we had sought him so faithfully for years.
Do I need to mention how badly I led myself? I hope not, I have confessed and God has fortunately taken me back and forgiven me for being so stubborn. But what He didn't do was answer my questions. Why? But then, faithful as He is, he decided to show me again how to go through this. The church we became part of, a local baptist church (and let me just say here that I really wanted to be part of a Baptist church, I knew their leadership system and there was NO WAY what happened before could happen) went through some rough times. A new pastor came, one that was chosen after much prayer and consideration. You know, a new sheriff in town and all that. The details are painful still, but we got to be part of the breakdown of the church.
This time was different. I had just come back to the Lord, just said, "I trust you." when it started. I was beginning to open up, make friends with "church people" and think that maybe here was hope. The difference was that this time I responded differently. Funny, I was a source of strength to others. Still find that amusing. The highlight was the day that I was told I had to leave the sanctuary because I was there to pray with some others. Funny, me a threat.
We left the church, went on to first a home church for a year, then to St. Andrews. A place of grace and healing. And it has been. But the question has been there the whole time: why? It has been a huge thing to me that God has never shown me why He allowed this. Now, let me say I understand scripture, how all things work together, I'm a Calvinist, I birthed and raised Calvinists (I can't really take credit for the raising them that way, but the fact remains, I totally understand the concepts). God won't do more than we are able, and so on. But why, if we sought him with our whole heart, did He lead us to places of disaster?
The other day we were going somewhere and talking about those things when it hit me, "the other people made choices too." Great revelation, but what I think God was telling me was that He led us to the perfect place for us, and even though He knew what was going to happen, the pastors each (and lots of other people) made choices for themselves that affected the outcome of the whole. I made a choice to walk away from the Lord when I was angry. Pastor #1 made a decision to follow the desires of his heart / flesh (I'm not being judgmental here - please understand) and the same with Pastor #2. Others chose either to go the easy path, leave the church and not stand up for what was right, or (and this is what I believe with most) felt the right thing to do was not divide the body.
God did know what was going to happen. He's not responsible for the choices that were made, although He knew what would be chosen. He didn't make me walk away, He allowed it. The outcome: I have so much better understanding of the gospel, of what Christ has done for me, and so much more grace that I ever did before. Was it a "good" choice? no. I almost destroyed my family, and I nearly destroyed myself.
I miss Pastor #1, when I think of him I remember the passion he had for the gospel. Everything he did he threw himself into. When he died there were some that said this is judgment passed on him. I cried. I know that he is with the Lord, and I know that I have forgiven him for the things done. But now I understand so much more.
So in the days after, we went to the Thanksgiving service at St. Andrews. Philip taught from Deut. 8. It could not have been more appropriate for what God was telling me. I won't quote it here but it was the word for me.
Thank you Lord for being so faithful and answering my question when I thought I would have to wait until I see you face to face (all the while knowing I probably wouldn't even care then).
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Who am I?
I recently went to a "viewing" the evening before a funeral. It was done very tastefully and well. But it did get me to thinking. When I die, I want people to enjoy the time. Hopefully not too much, but to remember what makes me, well, me.
So here goes: my music: there is so much variety, it can't be summed up in just a few bands or groups. There is the bluegrass side, the gospel, the rock. Nirvana to New Grass Revival. But there's more.... I don't know how to describe it. And the same goes for most people.
The books: Currently reading a history of the Mossad, this is not the first I've read of them. A nation being created, new life, bringing in the old, how to mix all this together. Much like the church of today, how do we all fit together? Stephanie Plum makes me laugh out loud, Scarpetta makes me sad, history excites me and math amazes me (A Beautiful Mind - I almost understood, it was so close, but I can't do the math).
The cartoons: They are everywhere in my house, I want to share them. Stephan Pastis, you are amazing. Rat and the baseball bat, I GET it!!! Calvin and Hobbs, the deeper meaning of life as you fly off the cliff on the sled. My approval ratings with 3 year olds tends to be poor at work. Why dinosaur's died out (they were smoking). Hal! Bummer of a birthmark! My refrigerator is covered in cartoons.
My friends: I have a lot of friends, some I've known for years, some are new. I don't understand how someone picks a BFF because I would have many. There are some I go to for comfort, some for instruction, some to expand my thinking, some when I need a laugh, one when I needed slapped. Some are very straight, some are wild. But the sum of my friends explains to a great degree who I am. Today I had lunch with one of the friends that has been there for years, we still have much to discuss.
My family: married over 30 years, he is a big part of who I am. I love that he wrote a song about me "Growing Up Together" because that is what we have done. He's not the same man I married, he's evolved but still has that loving spirit. He's introduced me to much of the music I now like, we've walked a long way together through many changes. Who am I without him? I don't want to know. The boys, each in his own way has also shaped me. I try to be more sensitive to their feelings. I'm even changing some of the way I cook to suit their taste, and that's a good thing. They challenge me in my walk with the Lord. I've seen them grow from cute, sweet boys into men of character. Somewhere in there I'm there.
My job: I'm a nurse. Not the smartest, not the best, but I care about my patient. As I told a teenage when we were taking her out of a dangerous home: I'm your advocate, that is my job. What I see you need, I will fight for. I may not cave to your whining or pampering, but I'll take care of you. I like what I do, I want to do it better. And if you say I did a good job, that's great, if you don't, I live with myself, and I know when I do well.
So this is me. The sum of me. Not a snapshot, not a bunch of flowers. Put up a stack of books, a board from my refrigerator. Play my iPod. Who are you?
So here goes: my music: there is so much variety, it can't be summed up in just a few bands or groups. There is the bluegrass side, the gospel, the rock. Nirvana to New Grass Revival. But there's more.... I don't know how to describe it. And the same goes for most people.
The books: Currently reading a history of the Mossad, this is not the first I've read of them. A nation being created, new life, bringing in the old, how to mix all this together. Much like the church of today, how do we all fit together? Stephanie Plum makes me laugh out loud, Scarpetta makes me sad, history excites me and math amazes me (A Beautiful Mind - I almost understood, it was so close, but I can't do the math).
The cartoons: They are everywhere in my house, I want to share them. Stephan Pastis, you are amazing. Rat and the baseball bat, I GET it!!! Calvin and Hobbs, the deeper meaning of life as you fly off the cliff on the sled. My approval ratings with 3 year olds tends to be poor at work. Why dinosaur's died out (they were smoking). Hal! Bummer of a birthmark! My refrigerator is covered in cartoons.
My friends: I have a lot of friends, some I've known for years, some are new. I don't understand how someone picks a BFF because I would have many. There are some I go to for comfort, some for instruction, some to expand my thinking, some when I need a laugh, one when I needed slapped. Some are very straight, some are wild. But the sum of my friends explains to a great degree who I am. Today I had lunch with one of the friends that has been there for years, we still have much to discuss.
My family: married over 30 years, he is a big part of who I am. I love that he wrote a song about me "Growing Up Together" because that is what we have done. He's not the same man I married, he's evolved but still has that loving spirit. He's introduced me to much of the music I now like, we've walked a long way together through many changes. Who am I without him? I don't want to know. The boys, each in his own way has also shaped me. I try to be more sensitive to their feelings. I'm even changing some of the way I cook to suit their taste, and that's a good thing. They challenge me in my walk with the Lord. I've seen them grow from cute, sweet boys into men of character. Somewhere in there I'm there.
My job: I'm a nurse. Not the smartest, not the best, but I care about my patient. As I told a teenage when we were taking her out of a dangerous home: I'm your advocate, that is my job. What I see you need, I will fight for. I may not cave to your whining or pampering, but I'll take care of you. I like what I do, I want to do it better. And if you say I did a good job, that's great, if you don't, I live with myself, and I know when I do well.
So this is me. The sum of me. Not a snapshot, not a bunch of flowers. Put up a stack of books, a board from my refrigerator. Play my iPod. Who are you?
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