You know, I've worked a lot of code Blue's, saved some people, some not. I remember more of the ones that didn't make it than the ones I did. It's very similar to how when I make a mistake or really blow it, that I rehearse that over and over and forget the many times I did well.
Today was one of those days. I often say that when we do confession on Sunday, the part that really gets me is that whole "love your neighbor as yourself." I failed. Wait, I didn't fail, I was a horrible person that I can't defend, can't rationalize, and will have a much harder time forgiving myself than the lady I offended.
A mother brought her child in for pain management. The child was on pallative care (hospice) and going to die from her cancer. My goal was to essentially rush in, get IV access and free this child of pain. That is not what happened. The mom told me the child wouldn't let me do it, she wanted one of the onocology nurses to come and do it. What I heard through my pride was "you're not good enough, we don't trust you, blah blah blah" and my wounded pride said "screw it." I made the comment, "well, I'll just chart that you refused to have me access the port." Technically that was correct. When I was, again, my wounded pride, telling the other nurse on my team I made it all about the mom not trusting us, the ER nurses, to treat her child. The other nurses said she would take the patient and she did.
So a few minutes later I went to eat lunch. And as I waited to get my lunch all I could think about was: what if that was my child? She knows her child, she knows her child has trust issues. And here her child is sick, in horrible pain, and the nurse, someone trained to understand, is, well, less than kind. I could hardly eat.
I went back to the room, thinking, well, I'll talk to the mom, I'll tell her how sorry I am, and quietly leave the room. I'm thinking just me and the mom. Nope, several other people are in there, listening to me tell the mom how sorry I am for being unkind to her. And then she said it, I'm still stunned, cause I'm not sure I could do it. "I forgive you."
I didn't expect anything from her, in fact, I would have told me several things.... but through her tears she forgave me.
I know as I ask forgiveness from the Lord I will get it, but it will take me a long time to overcome this. But I hope that as much was given to me I'll forgive much more of others. I hope I never forget this lesson from a mom to reach over her dying child to touch the one that should have been helping her. Pray for that mom, her child will be with the Lord soon if not already. That is the best thing I can do for her, is to pray that God will be more gracious than she has been.
