Prom

Tonight my youngest goes to prom. I'm waiting for the iron to warm up to iron the shirt with his suit. This is the boy that I just didn't see him doing prom. This is the "blonde" in every sense of the word. He's meeting the girl there, I think that was a her dad thing. But he realized today (even though I warned him some time ago) that we needed to get a corsage (did I mention it was at 12:45 this afternoon). But it's done.

He's a good kid, he'll have fun. These kids are all homeschooled, but their desire to do this right is high. I was there this afternoon watching them decorate. I never did prom, so it's all new to me. But I'm glad he'll go.

My babies are growing up.

Can't Sleep

Well, I haven't written in awhile. Life has been full of real life and when I have down time I've wasted it reading and all. Okay, some of it was watching Deadliest Catch. Worked the last three nights, sleep all day Wednesday, awake most of Wednesday night. Today I have PALS and I'm sure I'll catch all of it since I haven't slept.

The new job? I love it. I think it's the inherit good nature of children. I hear all the time: I couldn't do that. But I think it's good that I can. Why? Because someone has to do it and I believe that I can make it a better experience. If not that, at least I care about them.

Yes, we have "beat your baby" and what makes people want to have sex with little ones is beyond me. But I can still show good love to the victims. It is heart breaking when the little one looks at you and you know what they've been through and then they say, "I don't like shots." The tone was flat. The nurse drawing the blood almost cried. It took nothing to hold her still, because she has been so abused. I could do it, but my first inclination was to hold her and love on her. To show her that not everyone that enters her life will abuse her. No, I didn't cry. Sometime I think I will. But the gentleness that we could give MAYBE overrode the horror in her.

Then there are the parents...... Yes, I feared them when I started. But you know, most of them just want you to help their child. They can overreact, but you calm them. You show them you care. And apparently you can't kill them for being stupid or unkind (I asked). I've asked a lot about some of these parents, but I guess we give kids out to just about anyone. It has been nice though when the parent tells you how much they appreciate the care you've given.

But the best is just being with the kids. The babies.... the toddlers....... the teens..... the tweens..... Each has their own special joy. Last night the kid was being worked up for a possible appendectomy. He could out talk any girl I've met. We were all relieved when the drugs made him sleepy, But he was curious, must have not been in the hospital before. But then there are those that know everything we're going to do to them, and they somewhat accept it. Not always. Somedays it seems like they walk (or roll) in and "the fight is on baby."

There are many stories. During the day I think about what I could write but then I'm just wiped out. So if you come to my work (and I hope you don't need to) and we're busy or short or whatever, know that we care. It's a good group that is taking care of your kids. We really do like them, and I think you can see it when we interact with them.

Sleep

I feel like a baby...... I've got my days and nights mixed up. I'm not sure what happened, each day it's been a different reason. I'm tired, can't sleep. I hate doing productive work when I can't sleep and there are other things I could be doing. I have a book I should be reading, it's due in two days. I have reading for work, I have reading for the kids school.

Last night I cuddled up with, oh this is sad, not my sleeping spouse, my stuffed disney animal and my ipod. The ipod is charging, I'm sick of TV, so methinks I'll break it back out in a minute.

Ideas? Thoughts? Yeah, I usually sleep when stressed, so either I'm stress free HA!!! or I don't know. Anyway, TV is dragging. Off to sleep? or at least listen to music.

How to Know they accept you........

I've been at the new job a few weeks now and I do love it!!!! Kids are awesome. So one of the first things that you wonder about when you take a new job is "how will I know if they like me?" Now, I've come from a place where I believe I was fairly well know and had a good amount of friends. So I was worried about the new place.

First there was the fact that my preceptor actually let me hang around him when we were at break or lunch (he also showed me the cafeteria - which was very important). You might say that "it's his job to show you those things" and that would be true, but I've worked around some folks that weren't that kind. Then there was the gradual letting me in conversations, groups didn't break up when I got close, those things. But the big clue........ they showed me the secret bathrooms! Two of them. Yes, you might wonder at this, but these are important things to know (particularly if you have a shy elimination system). Another major clue is when they start picking on you, and of course, that is so important to me.

Today / tonight I start nights. I'm nervous, but heck, I start with a bang! It's a full moon and there's going to be an eclipse!!! How awesome is that???? I'm pumped. Well, things to do........

Happiness is......

A cup of warm, smooth, hot chocolate from Starbucks on a cool day when you are cleaning house. It's in the same area as calgon, a good bottle of wine, Tootsie rolls when stressed.

As I sit here and sip on the chocolate, some of the cares of the week are melted away. Instead of the holding the baby down for the IV, I remember the 20 minutes or so of just touching the baby, calming his fears, giving him the pacifier and rejoicing in how wonderful these things are.

Simple things in life. Isn't that what makes it good. It's not the big things, it's the little things. Why do you keep going? For days I've dreamed of hot chocolate. I do wish I could like sit and read for a bit, but I'll take what I can get. Now, back to work.

Roof Fish

For anyone that reads Pearls Before Swine you will know what a Roof Fish is. For those who have not been exposed, well, I am sorry, this is one of the funniest cartoons around. Anyway, the concept is that there are these two "roof fish" that are trying to catch the other characters in the strip by luring them onto fish hooks with beer, pizza, etc. That's the background.

I'm one of those females that isn't real frilly. Now, I'm all woman, let me tell you. However, some things just allude me. I've been in church things for many years, and have been able to avoid any sort of women's retreats or such things. However we are now in a very small church and I'm kinda involved with the women. Actually I'm still not sure how that happened, but I do enjoy it.

I'm known for not really listening to all the details. I frequently say that it's a bad thing if you have my full attention. So what I heard was "come at 6:30 for pizza," what was said was, "come at 6:30 for pizza and to plan the women's retreat." There is a difference, as noted by my total shock when I ended up helping to plan this event while at the same time trying to figure out a way to NOT attend. (BTW, it will be nice, with a crafty project to book). Due to my, how can I say this, underwhleming noted shock and dismay, I will be given my own special stuff (basically undecorated book - they weren't stamping things evenly and I was horrified).

I have overcome a lot, I am now at the point where every cell in my body is NOT screaming "don't go" to a mild resistance. Fortunately the leader of this has been understanding and realizes it has nothing to do with her. I think she is somewhere between amused and stumped as to why this is. If I knew, I would tell her, however I have no clue. And now to see what else is going on.

You Know It's Bad When.....

You know it's bad when everyone in the room during the code stops, looks at you, and pretty much in unison say, "You need a shower!" because of what has just happened.

As it turns out, during my next to last week in my job I had an adventure. They called a code up on the floor, I run up there to find that this has just started. I was thrilled to see an old friend intubating, another friend from the rapid response team was also there. I was able to slip up close to the head in order to push drugs through the (thank you Jesus) central line and basically just be back up. There was a large group of people in the room, most of whom were just observing and being wall flowers. As things go it was a difficult intubation, this guy is very experienced, but sometimes you just have a patient that isn't in the best of condition, so to speak. This patient actually looked about 20 years older than he was, turned out he was a cancer patient. So what happened???? Well, my friend finally got the pt intubated and when he did, well, things spewed out of the tube that was pointed at me. I would say that the first shot nailed me pretty well, straight across the chest, but the follow up shot sealed it. We finished the code and I looked at the house supervisor and told her that I wanted to go home to shower, she was fine with it. EVERYONE in the room kept staring at me and mumbling things about "thanks for blocking me" or "you know there's a shower in the ER", nice supportive colleges these.

I did go home and shower. Sometimes these things basically come down to if you don't do it you will smell the stuff even if you change clothes. I feel like I'm going out with a bang but if nothing else the memories should be, well, memorial.

Policy, Folicy

As previously stated, I'm leaving my current job. Because of my job position, I must give four weeks notice. Fine, no problem. I even volunteered to work through Christmas when I didn't have to. I just didn't feel right about leaving my co-workers in a jam.

There is one hitch though. They pay you for 1/2 your vacation/sick/off time that you have saved up. I need that money. But if you call in during the notice time you don't get it. I understand why that policy is in place, face it, many people would just go ahead and not work. However I rarely call in. It's been over a year since the last time. And I got sick. Sore throat, yucky pus pockets visible on my throat, snot everywhere. You would be amazed how much snot a grown woman can produce. The stuff was coming out of everywhere. Then there was the coughing, sneeezing, and sadly, yes peeing under pressure!!! It was a long two days..... one patient was healthy than I was, the other didn't care (intubated and sedated). The infectious disease guy was mumbling about using lots of alcohol wash after being around me. I thought they should have called in hazmat. I have the nicest co-workers..... the guy that came in and followed me finished up my work (at least he said he would) so I could go home. Methinks he did it to get me out so they could spray the area down. I didn't care..........

Books, Open or Otherwise

The sudden desire to change jobs has caused quite an uproar amonst my friends and has led to some interesting comments. Let me give you a touch of background first: you should know that I'm in my late 40's, have only been an RN for 5 years and this was a late decision. Prior to that I had stayed home with the kids, homeschooling and well, brainwashing them. Seems I was quite successful, they are all extremely conservative. But what many do not know is that from the time I was in the 2nd grade I wanted to be an elememtary school teacher. I was three years into the program when I stopped because I was fed up with the mindset of the education people. I am pro homebirth, homeschool, and parental control. I am strong about families and children having a two parent home (okay, we all know there are some that should be split up, and I know all about abusive stuff, I'm talking about in a perfect world with semiperfect families). I believe being a daddy is the most important role a man can have and that we should help make that possible. Oh, and if I could do anything in the world for a job, I would write and edit children's books. I love their literature and will need to refresh myself with "research" for the kids on the job. You also need to know (or could be TMI) that I wear Eeyore on my stetoscope, have Eeyore undies, have Eeyore as the screen saver on my phone, Eeyore went on vacation with me, I mean, Eeyore is ever with me. When I'm stressed Eeyore snuggles with me.

So what I'm hearing at work is (well, besides abandoning my friends): you don't even like kids, I can't see you with kids, you're going to hate it...... That's the jest of what is being said. I can understand the bets on how soon before I take a parent outside and smack them, I'm in that pool.

Which now brings me to my point: we really don't know most of our friends. We only know the part of them that is presented publically. Of course, no one really knows our hearts, or if they do, it's only a small part. I suppose none of my work friends knew my past well. My new church friends don't know either of these sides, and a few of my old friends know more, but they don't know my work self.

I know I only present certain parts, I don't think I could take the review or judgement for most anyone to know all of me. Then I also realize I don't see all of them either. You see them out with their kids and it's like, amazing to see how they are different. I enjoy that part of being friends, it's like peeling back the layers.

Here's the thing, I know it's hard to let go. There is one or two I really worried about. I'm not that good, but I am dependable. I love these people dearly, and I'm thinking this is similar to what we do for our kids (or so I hear, mine are still at home) in that we have to let them go and try their wings. I'm afraid, probably more so then my friends. It's scary to change. But I have the solid roots that they are part of. And I know the friends will remain friends. Love is the stuff that keeps us togehter.

Change is in the Air

I have spent the last five years in a job that I love. Maybe that's an understatement. One friend tells me (and he's a chaplain so he should know) that I have "work boundary issues." In a recent interview I stated as a strongpoint my "taking ownership" of all jobs I've worked. So it has been a huge surprise that I have announced my departure not only from my department, but also the company.

While I hope I'm not overstating my importance, I have overall been a good employee and have a wide net of aquintances thoughout the hospital. I worked in the ED while in nursing school for two years and met many people, then in my current job where I just extended the base of friendship. It was a very difficult decision to get to this place where I could leave. And I'm hoping that overall since I'm totally changing fields that it will not be seen as "abandoning" this place. I will say, overall, I would take my family there for care, and know that they will get good care.

So what happened? Where am I going? A little over a year ago it was planted in my brain about an AIDs orphange in South Africa that my son supports. I've heard of mission trips for years, even tossed about going, yet never did. I can do a lot of good by raising the funds to send those younger and in better health for that. But this stirred my heart. It's not a direct quote, but John Piper basically says that retirement isn't for us to sit around in, and that has hit a nerve. I told a friend last night, and she was like so you're going to South Africa? I don't know. What I know is that it put a desire to seek God about what should I do? Is there more to my life than just taking care of these adults?

Then came the catalyst. My beloved boss, friend, and co-worker (for she did that as well) had an opportunity that she couldn't say no to. Then she was trying to get me to go with her, and while I loved her for that, it was not something in my heart to do. But it made me consider, what do I want, where do I want to go from here? Now you must realize, I hardly ever search the want ads, throw aways all the offers to "come join our team", so I really didn't know what to do. A friend had just made the move to the ER at the local children's hospital and I began to consider that.

I applied to two jobs, one ER, one heart team. Now I love the heart, really love the heart. I could envision myself on the heart unit, but there was one huge obstacle. I would have to work weekend option and I don't want that. I applied to see how long, would it, could it work. But it would have taken a year to get off weekend option. I really, really wanted that job but it wasn't the time for that. The ER like hadn't called, so I asked while I was there. Seems I had applied for the wrong job. But we got that worked out and then they didn't call. I finally resolved to myself that I needed to make things right where I was, make sure my attitude was good and just continue until I felt God move. Then the ER called. Now, at work, on here I seem very confident, but in that first interview I was HORRIBLE. They offered me the job but not based on my personality. But when I interveiwed in the ED it was totally different. I hit it off with the lady, I was relaxed, she was able to see the real me and she still liked me. As a friend later said, It was right.

So now I have given my notice. There was some kind of glitch and I must NOW apply for the job. Normally I would freak out about that, but I'm okay. I have to give four weeks notice anyway. The plan is to start the new job in January. I'm now reviewing kidlet anatomy, diseases, and movies (must keep up with what interest them). I'm terrified, yet excited.

So ends this post and begins a new chapter.

Princess

Went to see Enchanged today. Took a princess with me. See, I've always had boys, grew up around boys, never around that many girls. So this was a real treat. She's 7, carries a purse, blanket and uses her thumb. It was awesome, the movie was good too.

I'm going to have to upgrade my mental abilities with little ones with the new job. I suspect I may need to borrow the princess again for movies, I mean, how can I relate to kidlets without seeing their movies and all things relavant to their lives? I'm excited! Frankly, I'm not sure that this world of all adult stuff is that great. Adults are way to serious. Consider those around me that don't understand why Eeyore goes places with me, or the adventures he often takes. Consider those that never see the fun in the world. It's not that you ignore "real life" its that you can only survive what you overcome. I overcome with humour, with love and hopefully with kindness.

I fear the change, but then, maybe I'll drive a sword into a dragon (or bus) and maybe I could sing a note or two (yeah, right) and get the mice to clean the house. But maybe I'll sing to myself and make the cleaning pass easier. And maybe we can defeat a real dragon and make the world better for those kidlets.

If not, maybe the princess will let me borrow a corner of her blanket. I have my own thumb (or tootsie pop).

Walking Away

It's a great job, I really wanted it. At this point money isn't the issue and that really played no part in my decision. But to be able to work with "slimy sacks of snot" would be so nice. Tail pullers, germ factories, nose pulling, eyeglass smearing..... how many names there are for them..... little ones, tots, peds, floor grazers. Yes, I want that. I want to work with someone that they don't have to appreciate what I do, they are the gift.

I had to walk away and say no. It was hard. Not sure I've every done it before. I had more peace about doing this than I've had in awhile. Now however, as I get ready to go to work, my stomach is churning, I'm already stressed and I haven't even dried my hair.

But I can't give up Sunday. Not now, maybe another time and place. Maybe today I'll go up to the neo-mates in my hospital and see them. Touching would be wonderful. Bablies are so healing, even the snotty ones.

The tears are coming again, hopefully cleansing. My thoughts need purification towards my current work and co-workers, okay, the administrative team more than anyone. Need to reread James 3, master the tongue and the thought. No problem, should be a snap!

Have a good one, pray that somewhere today I can see one of the babies, touching would be nice.

Best Story Ever

There is one thing about medicine, it's hard to make up some of the things that we see. So I will tell you one of the best stories ever!!! Think about sudden cardiac arrest, that kills a fair number of people in the US. Here are the important things to remember: sudden death.

So here you are, you wake up, not feeling so good, you want to call into work, but your spouse won't let you. You go in, it's a good job, one in which you get to help a lot of people, in fact you are a dispatcher for the ambulance company in a moderate sized city. Actually, you are also a paramedic. So you're sitting at your desk, on the radio when...... nothing..... fortunately for you, your coworker sees you fall over, immedately starts CPR, a couple of other coworkers come in because they were bringing back an AED that had just been serviced. That AED is now being used on you! They toss you in the ambulance, take you to the ER, where you are intubated, taken to the cath lab and the vessels are fixed. The time here is impressive, we all know you. In the unit you are well cared for and even though you are in cardiogenic shock there was a wonderful outcome and a few days later you are sitting in the cafeteria eating the yucky food.

This is what AED's are made for. It was cool. I love my job.

Hang On!!!

They said, "Hang on, it will get better!" We did, and it almost did. They said we would get staff, they said that they would help us, they even said they would put on uniforms and help us. Who in the hell are they, cause they didn't show up, neither did they help, neither did more staff (okay, technically we got some new ones but then some good ones left).

Vacation didn't help, oh, and I haven't even been back to work yet. I got calls on vacation, which I didn't mind, but I worry so about my friends on staff. I hadn't been off the plane 12 hours before I got the first call to come in. This wasn't one of those where they called just to see, there was pressure involved. Today I got the 3rd resignation, from a friend. He even called me at home and told me, which I am so grateful for. Actually I knew he would go, I was just hoping it would take a while before it happened. But then, I think that it was the best decision for him.

Our supervisior has only been gone 1.5 weeks and we are a mess. I'm sick at my stomach, angry (remember, I haven't worked yet). I guess I wonder, how much more are they going to hit us with? And do I need to go ahead and get my resume together, actually it wouldn't hurt to brush it off, I tend to piss off those over my head so I may be on the hit list as well.

I loved my job, I love my friends, I love the unit, but I'm afraid. (for those that work with me, I'm having a faithless moment - it will be okay). And there is the rub. This hospital is not my source. Again, this hospital is not my source. It is a paycheck. My heart is for the patient, and I get frustrated when I see things hinder patient care. But then, there are problems at every other hospital in town, just maybe not the same ones I see. As the ex-boss would say, "this too will pass..." Please, soon.

Vacation and Change

Sunday we leave for vacation. I need it. Between PMS and my boss, who has been the best boss I have ever had, leaving I'm in a mess. I've worked for her for a little over 5 years. We are friends, not just at work, but friends. The only thing I've never really clued her in on is this blog. Otherwise, we're fairly open with things (wonder if she has one that talks about us, hmmm). Anyway, she got a promotion. A co-worker put it like this, "I love you_____ but I'm mad at you right now." I have worked myself into being sick over it. We are excited for her, this is an opportunity that is just unreal. But again, we are very grieved. At this time we don't know who will take her place, there is one that would probably be very good, keep the best of our unit and make some changes that would be positive. Otherwise, I worry.

So, is it a time for a change? Job or even place of employment? I hear things that make me wonder about the ability of this place to continue to function as is. But then, we are a major player in the state. Happiness comes from within, and I am content within. But the questions are still there. Where can I have a positive impact and do the best for my family as well. My hospital doesn't pay as well as others, but money isn't everything. I am very sure that the hospital isn't my source. Things to ponder.

We are going to San Francisco and the surrounding area. I should be wonderful. Neither of us have ever been there. I have drugs for the flight (the noise on the plance bothers me, as do people sitting by me, as do close quarters), books and my iPod. Anyway, I have a trip to plan. I will be checking here so any thoughts are welcome.

Death

What is it that you see in their eyes as they are about to die? I can't explain it. We had a lady die today that had been moved to the unit because she wasn't doing well. Three hours later she was made a no code. I was called into the room by the other nurses to help out. We did various things for a few minutes but as I was watching her I was still aware that her skin color was mottled around her neck. I found out that she had a PE and probably several. She bacame very short of breath and we were considering intubation when the doctor talked to the husband and they made the decision not to procede.

But as she lay there, she looked me in the eyes as I was stroking her face. I asked, "Are you in pain?" and she tried to tell me something, but it was the eyes. I still don't know what I saw. It will haunt me. We did bring her husband in and she died holding his hand.

I did tear, almost cry. Maybe I did cry. I don't know. I've seen this so many times, yet it always amazes me when you see the moment that they change spheres. I think it makes me less afraid. But the connection is so awesome between us at that moment.

Maybe I'll go to bed.

Overheard *with regards to Fat Doctor*

Do you know how much this weights?" Pt's mom to my boss, while looking at a 5# weight holding pressure on the pt.

Hmmmmm maybe 5 pounds.......

Sadly, mom fired me from the case, but in the same complaint she mentioned that they shouldn't allow all the nurses to change shifts all at once...... Yeah, we should trickle in ovrer a few hours....... good one that.

New Things

Well, the Eagles said it best, they would reunite when Hell freezes over, hence the name of the return alblum. So we said about being part of a church that was just starting up, never again!! Yet, you feel a breeze here??? The church we had been attending fell apart earlier this year. There are still some people attending but it will never be the same. There are many things that could be said about it, but I've said a lot previously and there are people there that I still care about and I don't want to hurt them with anything that I might say that would offend them.

But the new thing, it's been fun. What!! Church fun! Yes, it's not all gnashing of teeth and naysaying. When you have a heart to love one another, to build up one another, it can be fun. Sure there will come a day when fun things aren't done, but for now we are enjoying one another and rejoicing in the freedom of Christ. It's a mix of people (a very small group - had it been a church split we would have more people) which I find encouraging.

So I hope this is a good thing. I hope we have as good of reception in this town as the Eagles did when they returned. Alas, I shan't hold my breath on that one, but you can always hope. I have hope again that I can look forward to going to church and survive. If this folds at some point, I can honestly say that I gave my all to it and trust that God is looking out for me.

Socially Acceptable

You ever watch a little kid that sucks their thumb and holds a blanket? Don't they look peaceful? Methinks I would very much right now like a blankey (or Eeyore with a detachable tail), lay on my tummy with my butt up in the air, and do the thumb thing. It was a horrible day and I don't want to go back.... ever would be fine.

Methinks it's not okay to tell the family that "if you really think I'm giving *&%$$# care then maybe you should come up here and check on it yourself!"

And I'm really trying to work on not using bad language, but when I was giving report to the floor today it just oozed out, not about the pt, it was that the "pink sheet" only I didn't say sheet, I replaced the double ee's with an i. A couple of nurses almost fell out laughing. Then walking across the floor my crocs did the normal tripping me thing.......

The day went downhill from there. I can't describe it all. Okay, maybe a little more for your consideration. I took my pt up to the floor, while tucking her in the bed I heard the staff in the room across the hall start yelling for help. Maybe I should mention that I'm on the code team when I'm charge, anyway, at least I didn't have to run. I was there, start to finish. Anyway, the woman didn't do too bad, we intubated and sent her to a unit. The timing was great.

Have I mentioned that I don't, do not, want to go back tomorrow. Maybe they will let me work in the ER. I'll die of overwork, but at least they won't yell at me like my staff did today. Wait, no complaining. Off to bed, maybe watching Monk will help. Night.

Encouraging Words

Our census is low. Very Low. Staff was worried.

"They will come, they will come
The snot will flow and they will come."

or when asked where all our patients were....

"they are at home resting up for their heart attacks
and distress"

If we are patient, they will come and be our patients.......