Devotions for the Rest of Us #8

A blogger friend recently wrote about verbal diarrhea. Basically she finds herself getting into trouble because she says more than is required of her. Lately she has offended people because she would go for the quick joke and then realize too late that it was not in the best of taste.

Boy, can I relate. In the last year I have become aware of how much we talk and say nothing of consequence. I find myself at work sitting on a trash can away from the nurses station because of the noise level and endless chatter. Don't get me wrong, I like to talk. Too much. And I will be more than happy to tell you the latest gossip, or about my kids, or my cat, or whatever. But I find myself disgusted with what I say, then you know, you have to repent from all that, and I'm tired of doing it.

Recently we had a guest speaker at our church, one thing that he talked about was sitting quietly before the Lord. Even in church. Wow. Have you ever tried to do that? I hear a lot of people talk about being ADD (myself included) and how it's hard to just sit still. So today during the worship service I tried to just sit and hear the Lord. And I sat. Then I refocused. Then I thought about what I had to do today, then I refocused. Then I thought about this week, then I refocused. Then I thought about how hard it was to do that. Just to sit. Just to think about the Lord. Not anything in particular, but was He saying anything to me? Would I listen if He did?

Remember the story of Moses in the cave, waiting for the glory of the Lord to pass by? The storm came, the winds, the rain, and God wasn't in any of it. It was the quiet. And if that were me and not Moses, I would have missed it while I was busy playing Mahjong or twilling my hair or something.

I'm sure I'm not the only one. It is torture for me when I try to have a "quiet" time, cause I can't focus. This morning I realized that as much as I dislike exercise, besides exercising my body, I need to exercise my mind. Build up my endurance, my abilities to train my mind to be still. I'll never grow in the Lord no matter how much I read, how much I know, if I can't hear His instructions. How can I hear Him tell me where to go, who to speak to, who to love, if I'm not in tune with the basic of how to hear Him.

Come to the Quiet. Come and sit at His feet. Come and listen. Come and receive. Come... and be quiet.

Apology Accepted

You know, I've worked a lot of code Blue's, saved some people, some not. I remember more of the ones that didn't make it than the ones I did. It's very similar to how when I make a mistake or really blow it, that I rehearse that over and over and forget the many times I did well.

Today was one of those days. I often say that when we do confession on Sunday, the part that really gets me is that whole "love your neighbor as yourself." I failed. Wait, I didn't fail, I was a horrible person that I can't defend, can't rationalize, and will have a much harder time forgiving myself than the lady I offended.

A mother brought her child in for pain management. The child was on pallative care (hospice) and going to die from her cancer. My goal was to essentially rush in, get IV access and free this child of pain. That is not what happened. The mom told me the child wouldn't let me do it, she wanted one of the onocology nurses to come and do it. What I heard through my pride was "you're not good enough, we don't trust you, blah blah blah" and my wounded pride said "screw it." I made the comment, "well, I'll just chart that you refused to have me access the port." Technically that was correct. When I was, again, my wounded pride, telling the other nurse on my team I made it all about the mom not trusting us, the ER nurses, to treat her child. The other nurses said she would take the patient and she did.

So a few minutes later I went to eat lunch. And as I waited to get my lunch all I could think about was: what if that was my child? She knows her child, she knows her child has trust issues. And here her child is sick, in horrible pain, and the nurse, someone trained to understand, is, well, less than kind. I could hardly eat.

I went back to the room, thinking, well, I'll talk to the mom, I'll tell her how sorry I am, and quietly leave the room. I'm thinking just me and the mom. Nope, several other people are in there, listening to me tell the mom how sorry I am for being unkind to her. And then she said it, I'm still stunned, cause I'm not sure I could do it. "I forgive you."

I didn't expect anything from her, in fact, I would have told me several things.... but through her tears she forgave me.

I know as I ask forgiveness from the Lord I will get it, but it will take me a long time to overcome this. But I hope that as much was given to me I'll forgive much more of others. I hope I never forget this lesson from a mom to reach over her dying child to touch the one that should have been helping her. Pray for that mom, her child will be with the Lord soon if not already. That is the best thing I can do for her, is to pray that God will be more gracious than she has been.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #7

This is a letter I wrote to a friend one day this week when I was struggling with envy. I think most of you can relate a little, hopefully for your sake not to much.

So I need to confess something. It's horrible.

I used to have this friend, she is now a facebook friend. But not a good friend. She is someone that was from my past. Now here is the thing. This girl is dumb, I don't mean a little, I mean really stupid. I'm not being mean, it's the truth. I even tried to help her once with getting a HS diploma, she's dumb.

She divorced her husband, while he was in prison (I believe he was innocent of the actual charge, but that is another issue) and sold all his possessions. She's mean and cruel. Never meet anyone like her. She says she's changed, I'm afraid to have much to do with her, but allowed her to be a FB friend.

She is now married and has horses. I can't stand it. She posted pictures of her "riding" her horse (she was being led around). I can not tell you how much envy came into my heart. You can have the big house, nice cars, whatever, but this dumb as a brick, mean chick has horses. I love the smell of them, the touch of them, being blown on by their noses as they nozzle you. I love the feel of riding, the power of the muscles under you, swimming with them, running with them.... how does she get them????? And not have a clue what she has.

So there, I'm going to get in the shower, pray for forgiveness for coveting my "neighbors" horse and remember that I gave up those dreams for the kingdom of God. Yes, I'll jump right on that. Working on it.

Sigh.

I don't like mean people. Mean people suck. And it seems some mean people get horses. I won't pray she gets bucked off. Nope, I won't do it. Or stomped on. Nope, I won't do it.

That was the end of the letter. It sounds so silly, a horse, but dreams that we give up in order to follow the Lord, those are real. No, the Lord didn't say, "you can't have horses." What did happen is that we had priorities in our life, raising godly children, our life in the church, all those things. It meant that we gave up certain things that maybe we would have enjoyed. Myself, I've often dreamed of having a Holideck like they did on Star Trek, where I could just summon up a good ride or vacation without all the hassle.

But then I remember, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." And then I'm okay with what I have.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #6

Confession: a formal admission of one's sins with repentance and desire of absolution

In our weekly confession at church we confess to several things: Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truely sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.

Lately I've been able to focus on the better part: that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Maybe better part isn't the right term, but I'm not drowning in my sin currently. Here's the thing, are we really giving up so much in not murdering, not stealing, not committing adultery? What about not crawling home drunk hugging the toilet? Or having to remember what lie we told so that we can keep them straight? Do I need to go on? I can, but you probably can fill in the blanks.

Focusing on "that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways." Wow, what does that mean? I've often talked about being kind, how about not sharing everything I know about people. How about avoiding the gossip? How about speaking to those that are stretching me (and by the way, not doing so good with that one - I still think they are stealing my overtime - and thus struggling with being nice to them). But I'm finding myself seeking how to "delight in your will." I'm asking the Lord to show me ways to reach out to those around me and minister to them. One thing is by keeping their confidence. Another is to be non-judgmental when they do share. When some of the young mothers ask me questions about how did my sons turn out so well, I direct them to the Lord, not to any great wisdom I had. Focusing on Him, not me. This is where I want to walk, where I want my mind to dwell. So this is my confession: not what my past is, but what my now is.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #5

I Kings 17:13And Elijah said to her, "Do not fear; go and do as you have said. But first make me a little cake of it and bring it to me, and afterward make something for yourself and your son. 14For thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'The jar of flour shall not be spent, and the jug of oil shall not be empty, until the day that the LORD sends rain upon the earth.'" 15And she went and did as Elijah said. And she and he and her household ate for many days. 16The jar of flour was not spent, neither did the jug of oil become empty, according to the word of the LORD that he spoke by Elijah.

Generosity: the quality or fact of being plentiful or large.

For some time now the Lord has impressed on me that I need to be more generous. I really haven't understood what that meant. I don't have tons of money, but even in the beginning I felt like it was more than just being a money issue, it was being generous of me. So I look around at people that I think are generous and this is what I see. One of my friends is the person you call when you need help arranging things or knowing the right thing to do, and she never seems to mind. She is always busy doing for others. Amazing woman. What is it about her that draw people to her? She cares, and she does it seemingly without effort. She has arranged weddings, decorates privately and for churches, yet she takes the time to show me how do simple things.

The widow was worried about how little she had, yet Elijah gave her the word from the Lord. Wonder how she felt? Did she have faith or can you imagine what she was thinking as she was making the cake. My thoughts would be that we would just die a little sooner, or maybe that he had food he hadn't shown us. Can you imagine what it would be for her each day as she continued to find flour and oil? Amazement.

I keep coming back to how do I become that person? How do I become less self centered and more Christ centered?

There is a doctor who has been asking to come over with her husband to our house and play games. I had resisted and resisted. See, I don't have a nicely decorated home that will be photographed anytime soon for any kind of decorating magazine (unless it's the before pictures) and I just resist having people over. It really stretches me. Finally I gave in and *gasp* they never noticed the house, they really wanted to play games. They want to be friends, and they don't know the Lord. How can I share the Lord with them if I can't share my home with them?

So yesterday I was talking with a friend and it hit me. Our being generous with each other is practice for us to be generous with those that need the Lord. If I give of my resources, whether it's time, friendship, a meal, whatever to those that already like me and know me, it will flow when it's time to give to others. It will be natural. And what does the world need: someone to care. Because trust me, people in the world really don't care about those around them. If I'm kind to those around me, it will be easy to be kind to others If I never speak bad of those around me, I'll not of others.

Practice. Call your friend you haven't seen, talk to them. Take a meal to someone who is a little sick, simple things. People want to know someone cares. Look for them on facebook, say hi. Nag me to invite you over, you might get served hot dogs and chili but it's not the meal that we seek, but the friendship. Remember how to reach out like we want to be reached out to.

For some people this is easy, for some like me it's harder. But I really believe that if we have a glimpse of the Kingdom of God that the way to make things "on earth as they are in Heaven" is to start doing what we envision. I want to have a happy work environment - I stay upbeat; I don't want to be around negative stuff - I stop being negative and walk away; I want to be kind to others - I have to view people not as how they present to me but why they are presented to me (remember I work in an ER). It's the whole Man in the Mirror thing (Michael Jackson). It starts with me.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #4

Matt. 21: 8Most of the crowd spread their cloaks on the road, and others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. 9And the crowds that went before him and that followed him were shouting, "Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!" 10 And when he entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred up, saying, "Who is this?" 11And the crowds said, "This is the prophet Jesus, from Nazareth of Galilee."

Palm Sunday we walked about with palm leaves and followed a donkey to the church. It was very sweet and a tradition at our church. The children love it and it is thought provoking. This is where you moan and say "oh no, she's thinking again." What would it have been to be part of the crowd? Think about it. There were a lot of crowds mentioned in the Bible, seems they were always around. But there are two crowds that I'm specifically thinking about: the crowd that waved Jesus in and the crowd that cried for his death. What happened in between that changed the way the crowd thought.

Now, I know and understand what had to be. That's not the part that intrigues me. I think that in the first crowd we found people who saw the compassion of Jesus, these are the people that have been hearing him teach, people that have seen the miracles. Maybe they haven't understood the teaching, but they see something they want. A realness that is not there with the religious teachers of the day. The second crowd was stirred by the religious leaders. It was very deliberate in wanting to see Jesus dead. They didn't understand the teachings nor did they want understanding. They had a problem and wanted to be rid of it. So you lie to the crowd, you persuade them, and you get them to do what you want.

In thinking about the first crowd, what does that mean for us today? You see, the modern day church is much like that crowd. We have real believers, but we also have people that are just hanging on, they see something they like, but they aren't "all in." They recognize truth, but it's not the same as being part of the truth. But when it gets hard, then we see that the "truth" is not in them. Today I was reading Facebook and saw this from one of my friends, "Why do people claim to be this "perfect Christian" but in real life they are a horrible person?" She went on to say that it made no sense to her. Of course it makes no sense, how could it? We can't know the hearts of those around us, we can only go by what we see. Yet what we see may not be the best way to look either.

Then there is one of my favorite parts of the story in regards to how people responded. Joseph of Arimathea, a rich man, a secret believer. I can imagine that he probably watched the crowds, maybe even wishing that he could be part of it. That he could wave the branches, that he too could spread his coat out for Jesus. But he had so much to lose. A secret believer. But then after the crucifixion, he went to Pilate and asked for the body to bury it. Imagine what that cost him. He was now "all in."

And then there was the angry crowd. They wanted Jesus dead. But how much of it was people and how much of it was the religious leaders stirring the crowd? And how much of it was human nature confronted with truth? I suspect much of it goes to the latter.

I've thought about this all week, which crowd would I have been in. While I hope in some ways I would have welcomed Jesus in I fear I would have been more than willing to place him on that cross. And not because that was what had to happen. We all have to face that ourselves, that it was us, rather me, that put him on that cross. And now we have to keep coming back to that in order to live the way He taught. So in going back to what my friend wrote, here is my reply.... I'm sorry. All I can say is keep your eyes on Jesus and hope that you recognize that we are so human, and filled with human nature. I'm trying to keep my eyes off the crowd and on Jesus, but it's so much easier to follow that crowd.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #3

Matthew 11 At that time Jesus declared, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; 26yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. 27 All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

This week I've been hearing over and over "Come to me all who labor and find rest for your soul." My mind doesn't have scripture as readily memorized as some do, but today I sought out the word to see what God was trying to tell me. In the meantime, I've been pondering, what is rest, and what is labor?

In reading the whole passage I found more questions (as I'm prone to do). What is being childlike? You would think I would know this one. I've been a child, raised three of them, and work with tons of them. There are everywhere!!! But you know Jesus had a point to this, since he referred to it more than once in his teaching. So as I sat here this morning, I've been reviewing children, what are they like? What endears us to them? Why do we protect them so? You will have different answers than I do, but of course they are cute and cuddly, they are innocent, they climb in our laps for us to hold, they trust us, they are honest in what they say.

Wonder where Jesus was going with this? Do I trust him enough to totally TRUST him, do I go to him for comfort (usually Ben and Jerry's but I'm working on that one), do I want to sit and play with him, spend time with him? I'm bombing out here. You all know I would rather sit and read a novel than do just about anything, and I'm not very trusting. When the kids were little I remember sitting in the floor playing with them, stacking blocks, playing cars, all those little things. How do we translate that to our relationship to Jesus? I don't know. I'm thinking this is part of the walk that I don't understand. I know it's more that just getting a few minutes in prayer, but really how do we translate having that friendship thing? That just being together that we do with our friends. Some of the most meaningful time you will ever have with a friend is when you are just together, you don't have to always fill the air with the sound of talking, it's just being together. Did I just answer my question?

What is labor? Do we labor to walk in this world? I do, I don't understand a lot of what I see in the ER. I don't understand how people can be mean, cruel, or just stupid. You see people who are ruled by selfishness. But we see it everywhere. The boss that puts you in a bad place, takes credit for your work, the co-worker that is difficult, the neighbor that dumps on you, our families.... Then we react to those things, sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don't. It's wearing to us. If everyone around us was kind and gentle, maybe this world wouldn't be so hard. But I know no matter where we go, there are things that just aren't perfect. There is no job, no family, no relationship that doesn't test our ability to walk out our commitment to the Lord.

Then of course, you will find rest for your souls. I want that. In our walk with the Lord there are things and times that we fall. Some fall harder than others. Some get up and continue, some stay in that place. I had ten years that I was very angry at God. In those years I know that I hurt people, my family, and most of all destroyed what faith I had in God. And myself. It's been hard for me to forgive myself since I repented. I keep coming back to the same thing and it's me that is doing it (I'm sure that the enemy of my soul is feeding all he can into my self focus). I saw someone that hurt me in the past recently, and it stirred up all kinds of memories, it was very difficult. I resorted to old habits to help the pain, drank some wine, broke out Eric Clapton, then Nirvana.... didn't really work well. Today as I read this passage, I realized what the Lord has been saying to me: rest from the past, rest from the knowledge of my sin, rest from the pain, rest from memories, rest from hurt, rest from whatever is there that you need rest from. Total rest. It's there for us. He is gentle and lowly in heart, his burden is light. It's ours that is heavy, throw it off. My burden is heavy and when I pick it back up after he has taken it off, then I don't have his rest.

So faithful has the Lord been to show me through the week about his rest. Years ago, before I ever became a Christian that was my desire, to find rest for my mind. Now to walk it out.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #2

9"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
11Give us today our daily bread.
12Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.[a]' 14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This morning I was praying for my son about a job interview he had Sunday. We only want this if it's what God wants and it reminded me of praying "your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." What does that really mean?

Can you imagine if everything we did followed the pattern of your kingdom come, your will be done here as it is done in heaven? This is a teaching prayer, we don't just recite it, we should be able to live it. So how does that happen?

Of course you can find wonderful teaching on this, my claim here is not to be a great teacher, it's that I have all these questions that I think we all have.... how in the heck to I do it???

This week a nurse I work with lost her daughter in a horrible accident. The husband now will be a single parent to a 4year old and a 1 year old. As co-workers we have all been stunned, you would think working in the ER we would be prepared for this, but honestly, we don't see it as much as you would think (thank you Jesus) and of course, this is someone we know. The response has been very emotional and very real. But the thing that has touched me is that we are reaching out to each other. It's one time that people are talking about "the Lord" in a very real way. And it gives a good chance to open a door about where we are "in the Lord."

This weekend I worked at my old job and as I was walking to lunch I passed a room, looked in and saw a physician I know. His mother was a patient there. I stopped and spoke with him for some time. His comment was how kind everyone had been. He doesn't know my name, but I'm a familiar face to him. It was the stopping and checking, the interaction. He opened up to me in a way that people never do unless they are very needy of love and kindness. It was very much a chance to minister God's love to someone in a way that would be received like no other time.

How many times do we have to make the choice to be kind, to be generous, to be an extension of what Jesus has done in and for us? It's those daily choices that make us like him, that carry out his kingdom, that bring his will to our lives. If we don't do the little kindness, we won't have a chance to do the big things. Evaluate what kingdom living is... what would it mean if his will was done by all?

The other thing about these times is that we are okay with being who we are. We are truly honest with where we are. That's the thing that is so difficult for us. For me. I want to look good to people, so I don't tell you what I think or did unless it makes me look good. We all do this, but what if we were real. Then the question becomes will we accept one another, will we help each other, and will we grow to be like Jesus or accept status quo? The best example I can give of this is one day a couple of weeks ago I was involved in a conversation about something another nurse did. I thought I was saying something positive but later that day one of my friends said that he had been disappointed that I had been involved in the conversation, he thought better of me and that we should be kinder to that nurse. Regardless of what I thought I was saying, being involved was wrong unless I had stood up for her. I felt like I had been slapped! It was a very gentle reminder that I had failed to be the person I should have been. And now I'm trying, note trying to be more generous about who I am and who I represent.

So my thinking is that it's the little things that sometimes show best who we are as Christians. We need to walk gently, make small decisions to be kind, to give grace to those around us... then we can do the big things that we are asked to do. Like toddlers learning to walk, little steps before we run.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #1

I've had this in my head to do for some time, but now the time has come to put it on paper (or computer). I've not been a reader of many devotion books, but I love reading the titles. Actually I read the titles to a lot of books, but not many entice me to read them that are Christian in nature. So why is that? What is wrong with me?

I found myself a few years ago sorting people into "church people" and the rest of us. Yes, it's wrong, but I did it anyway. I don't know that I can tell you what a "church people" is, but overall they scare me. The best guess is that they are the ones that you want to ask "so what do you do to sin?" Note, these are not necessarily the ones that go to church and you see Saturday night at places neither of you should be, but the ones that are just so perfect. The ones that make me nervous, because I'll never be that person.

So this is for those of us that are failures at being "church people." My goal in doing this is not to be a great teacher, I'm not. It's to see if there are others that are like me, struggling to live the gospel. My vision of this is to find scriptures that have meaning to me, share what thoughts they invoke with you. I love feedback. I'll have a few different thoughts than you, and hopefully we will al grow in the Lord. If nothing else, maybe I'll learn there are more like me than I thought. Maybe even a few people that I think are church people will be more like me than I knew.

So here goes:
Each week in our church we recite a confession. We don't confess our individual sins to each other, this is a group thing. And each week I'm convicted about the same thing: I don't love my neighbor as myself. Here is the scripture: Matthew 22:37-40 (New International Version)

37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[a] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b] 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

So what does this mean to me? There are many Bible studies done on this I'm sure but I've taken it to work and trying to walk this one out. First of all it's the co-worker that stresses me. One was a charge nurse that for some reason I disliked. One night I became convicted that my whole attitude towards her was not Christ like. So I began to greet her by name, ask her how she was, in general just being nicer. She's still not my favorite charge nurse, but overall we get along. More than anything I don't want to sully the name of the Lord.

Another thing is how to treat those of other belief systems. In the last few weeks I've had several dealings with Muslim families. I feel very honored that I've been able to serve them with love and kindness. The last couple I was able to anticipate some needs so that they could do their prayers while they waited on the child;s treatment to be completed. It shocked the father that I knew what they would need. My goal in this is again, to honor Jesus by my kindness to them.

Sounds great so far, but I struggle with those that are abusing the system, those that have abused their children, and those that in my words "just need a good smacking." How do I treat them? I don't know, well, maybe I haven't walked that one out. I try so hard to balance what is right, a need for justice, to know individually who needs assistance and who needs to learn to care for themselves. I see many poor people - people that are victims of our economy. But I also see those that have become enslaved to a system that rewards you for not trying. And I can't fix that in one visit, heck, in twenty visits. I need discernment to know when to call attention to overuse of resources and when it's time to give resources. How to show compassion to people that are ashamed of their situation and need resources. And how to comfort the weary, the weak, and those in need.

I'm in a position to see many people like this, but what about the bookkeeper or the secretary? Who is your neighbor? What about the person who cleans your desk, the waiter when you get lunch, or the UPS guy? Each of these is looking for a kind word, someone that notices they are there. I always think of "the least of these..." Some days I'm the least, some days you are the least, and some days you get to be the one that was kind to the least.

Confession

This is what we speak each week in confession. I wanted a place where I could keep it for reference.

Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, work, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truely sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake or your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.

Choose Choice Chosen

These three words are words that have always given me trouble. I may have not used them correctly in the following story. I have made bad choices, and I have seen others make choices that have (affected / effected) others. Thanksgiving when we were gathered with the collective family we discussed words that are difficult to know which one to use and that led to the title here.

Many years ago (14 or so) we were going to a church we loved, very connected and active in the church. Then came this move of the spirit and things got, well, strange. They changed from strange to worse. The pastor changed his focus, fired the deacons and elders, installed people he wanted (might I mention they didn't even live in the state) and after many people left the church, the pastor moved on to somewhere else to start his own ministry. In this midst of all this, I was the pastor's secretary. A few people have said, "Well, that explains a thing or two." Needless to say I saw a lot and heard more.

The end of us in the church came and we left. I was fine for awhile, but then the weight of all of it came down on me. I questioned how God could have led us into this disaster. I questioned a lot of things. I became very angry at God and decided that if that was the best He could do, I could do just as well on my own. After all, He led us into that disaster after we had sought him so faithfully for years.

Do I need to mention how badly I led myself? I hope not, I have confessed and God has fortunately taken me back and forgiven me for being so stubborn. But what He didn't do was answer my questions. Why? But then, faithful as He is, he decided to show me again how to go through this. The church we became part of, a local baptist church (and let me just say here that I really wanted to be part of a Baptist church, I knew their leadership system and there was NO WAY what happened before could happen) went through some rough times. A new pastor came, one that was chosen after much prayer and consideration. You know, a new sheriff in town and all that. The details are painful still, but we got to be part of the breakdown of the church.

This time was different. I had just come back to the Lord, just said, "I trust you." when it started. I was beginning to open up, make friends with "church people" and think that maybe here was hope. The difference was that this time I responded differently. Funny, I was a source of strength to others. Still find that amusing. The highlight was the day that I was told I had to leave the sanctuary because I was there to pray with some others. Funny, me a threat.

We left the church, went on to first a home church for a year, then to St. Andrews. A place of grace and healing. And it has been. But the question has been there the whole time: why? It has been a huge thing to me that God has never shown me why He allowed this. Now, let me say I understand scripture, how all things work together, I'm a Calvinist, I birthed and raised Calvinists (I can't really take credit for the raising them that way, but the fact remains, I totally understand the concepts). God won't do more than we are able, and so on. But why, if we sought him with our whole heart, did He lead us to places of disaster?

The other day we were going somewhere and talking about those things when it hit me, "the other people made choices too." Great revelation, but what I think God was telling me was that He led us to the perfect place for us, and even though He knew what was going to happen, the pastors each (and lots of other people) made choices for themselves that affected the outcome of the whole. I made a choice to walk away from the Lord when I was angry. Pastor #1 made a decision to follow the desires of his heart / flesh (I'm not being judgmental here - please understand) and the same with Pastor #2. Others chose either to go the easy path, leave the church and not stand up for what was right, or (and this is what I believe with most) felt the right thing to do was not divide the body.

God did know what was going to happen. He's not responsible for the choices that were made, although He knew what would be chosen. He didn't make me walk away, He allowed it. The outcome: I have so much better understanding of the gospel, of what Christ has done for me, and so much more grace that I ever did before. Was it a "good" choice? no. I almost destroyed my family, and I nearly destroyed myself.

I miss Pastor #1, when I think of him I remember the passion he had for the gospel. Everything he did he threw himself into. When he died there were some that said this is judgment passed on him. I cried. I know that he is with the Lord, and I know that I have forgiven him for the things done. But now I understand so much more.

So in the days after, we went to the Thanksgiving service at St. Andrews. Philip taught from Deut. 8. It could not have been more appropriate for what God was telling me. I won't quote it here but it was the word for me.

Thank you Lord for being so faithful and answering my question when I thought I would have to wait until I see you face to face (all the while knowing I probably wouldn't even care then).

Who am I?

I recently went to a "viewing" the evening before a funeral. It was done very tastefully and well. But it did get me to thinking. When I die, I want people to enjoy the time. Hopefully not too much, but to remember what makes me, well, me.

So here goes: my music: there is so much variety, it can't be summed up in just a few bands or groups. There is the bluegrass side, the gospel, the rock. Nirvana to New Grass Revival. But there's more.... I don't know how to describe it. And the same goes for most people.

The books: Currently reading a history of the Mossad, this is not the first I've read of them. A nation being created, new life, bringing in the old, how to mix all this together. Much like the church of today, how do we all fit together? Stephanie Plum makes me laugh out loud, Scarpetta makes me sad, history excites me and math amazes me (A Beautiful Mind - I almost understood, it was so close, but I can't do the math).

The cartoons: They are everywhere in my house, I want to share them. Stephan Pastis, you are amazing. Rat and the baseball bat, I GET it!!! Calvin and Hobbs, the deeper meaning of life as you fly off the cliff on the sled. My approval ratings with 3 year olds tends to be poor at work. Why dinosaur's died out (they were smoking). Hal! Bummer of a birthmark! My refrigerator is covered in cartoons.

My friends: I have a lot of friends, some I've known for years, some are new. I don't understand how someone picks a BFF because I would have many. There are some I go to for comfort, some for instruction, some to expand my thinking, some when I need a laugh, one when I needed slapped. Some are very straight, some are wild. But the sum of my friends explains to a great degree who I am. Today I had lunch with one of the friends that has been there for years, we still have much to discuss.

My family: married over 30 years, he is a big part of who I am. I love that he wrote a song about me "Growing Up Together" because that is what we have done. He's not the same man I married, he's evolved but still has that loving spirit. He's introduced me to much of the music I now like, we've walked a long way together through many changes. Who am I without him? I don't want to know. The boys, each in his own way has also shaped me. I try to be more sensitive to their feelings. I'm even changing some of the way I cook to suit their taste, and that's a good thing. They challenge me in my walk with the Lord. I've seen them grow from cute, sweet boys into men of character. Somewhere in there I'm there.

My job: I'm a nurse. Not the smartest, not the best, but I care about my patient. As I told a teenage when we were taking her out of a dangerous home: I'm your advocate, that is my job. What I see you need, I will fight for. I may not cave to your whining or pampering, but I'll take care of you. I like what I do, I want to do it better. And if you say I did a good job, that's great, if you don't, I live with myself, and I know when I do well.

So this is me. The sum of me. Not a snapshot, not a bunch of flowers. Put up a stack of books, a board from my refrigerator. Play my iPod. Who are you?

Go and Sin No More

I belong to a Bible Study with a group of people from my church. They are all very nice people, all very strong Christians. This is one of those posts where I need to work out my thoughts, so if I ramble, I'm sorry. I got a bit frustrated the other night and finally just had to leave. I needed to go anyway, but it hit the point that I had to go to maintain my sanity. I might have been rude, I hope not, but it was close.

So there were a couple of things. One is that I don't read much Christian literature. Fiction or non-fiction. Used to, a lot. Now I don't. I don't know who the authors are (well, the children have indoctrinated me in Piper and a few others) and I don't really care to know. If you know me, you know I can tell you about all kinds of other literature. I've found that overall I'm content to read the scripture without a lot of explanation. Maybe I should, maybe I would be better with it, but oh well. So all of these people read a lot of Christian stuff, one actually works in the area of publishing. They talk the talk, they know the books and films, and I'm usually fine with that. But this particular night they were planning things and we should do this and read this and study this and show this film (oh, have you seen it??? HA, never heard of it and at the time didn't really care). I was soooo left out. My own fault, I guess maybe I should immerse myself into it, but I don't want to. So maybe my insecurities came out a bit making the second thing seem even bigger.

Again, let me say, these are very nice people that several of them are in ministry - a ministry devoted to the family. They are all solid people. I am not in any way bashing them. I don't want that to come across. So, our church is involved with some homeless people and one of the women has been telling us about this couple. The man and woman are not married, and there is a child by another man. The woman is not yet divorced from the child's father. Somehow, these people have come to live here and have recently accepted the Lord. They have come into contact with our church. I don't know if they are attending or not but that hasn't been like a requirement for people to be helped. The group that night was to hear specific needs and decide how much help we could give them. And let me just say, there are a lot of needs, not just financial.

In the discussion about what needs there were, it was asked if there was any hope of restoring the marriage of the woman to the other man. And they discussed it. And they discussed the fact that they were having a hard time helping them because they were living together. This is where I have a hard time. I understand that these people are not doing it right. And maybe they should not be living together, but so far I'm not seeing that God has convicted them about it. They are new Christians (hopefully) and not really aware of all the rules. Yes, we all know you aren't supposed to do that, but I'm sure there are plenty of other things they need to focus on. Like just following for now. And while I understand the questions these people have, I keep going back to the woman that was about to be stoned. When Jesus was asked what they should do, he knelt on the ground and began to write. When he finished, they all had left. He told the woman to go and sin no more. He didn't discuss specific lifestyle changes, he didn't make her stand in front of the church and confess to being a prostitute. He accepted her as she was and went on. Go and sin no more. Neither did he give her a list of her sins that she needed to change to be accepted.

I know who I am and what I have done in my life. I know I'm a bit! judgmental, I know that I have and have done many things. I really don't want them exposed. Some things I have come to grips with and can laugh about, and some I can't. Some I never speak of, and may never. Would I be accepted by these same people if they knew my heart? This is why most church people make me have panic attacks. Why so many churches I can't even imagine being part of. And it's not just me. My gay friends, I know they are in sin, they know it. One day they will need a safe haven, and I want to have one for them. It is the least of these that we must love and care for.

I don't want to judge my friends, I just wanted to scream that we can't fix those things, we must meet them where they are. And maybe they came to that conclusion after I left. Maybe there were there and I was so blinded by my prejudice that I couldn't see it. And I haven't offered to do anything for the couple yet. Trying to figure out what I can offer. And seeking God about that. Because if I do, I want it to be a full commitment and not just a feel good, yeah I'll do it.

Sigh.

I had a rape victim this week. You know, she made a mistake. But she didn't ask for what she got. She was such a sweet girl, and yes, I hugged her. She has a good mom that will help her, but it's going to be rough. This is one I could see going to court, and I hope it does.

So how do I handle it? How can I work with that? Because as she was getting her exam, I had the privilege of making it less traumatic. She's a reader, we talked books. We explored which is the better writer: Rowling or Meyers? We talked about her future. We left the room so to speak while the doctor did his job. I held her hand, and I remember being 16 and stupid. I would hope that it's not held against me forever.

I thought about her this morning in church, and prayed for her. I hope that healing will come to her one day. I hope many things for the swine that did this to her (maybe I need to repent of that). But mostly I wish I could hug her again, and tell her that I really do care.

That's how I do the tough things at work.

It was a good day.

Went to work for a day at my old job. Now I'm doing Emergency but this was a day of critical care. The neat thing about going back is that sometimes you are better than you were. Maybe it's because you aren't tired of the same of thing, maybe it's a fresh perspective, who knows. It was a great day. Nothing went wrong, got to see old friends, a good day.

I told my husband when I got home, it was good. I had a man that had just had a heart attack and gone to the cath lab. Got him out of bed, shaved, cleaned up. He was going to stay there a few days but he was content. There were a few things I brought to the docs attention, just little things.

Then there was this older lady. I helped get her to a lower oxygen need, spent a lot of time talking with her family, working on some things that would help them at home. She loved to talk, I spent a lot of time in there feeding her and listening to her. A lot of time. But it was okay. My only day there, I had nothing more important to do. Just to listen. It was a good day. Her son that didn't come to visit called twice, talked to him a long time as well.

Today I talked to a friend that works there, this lady died suddenly yesterday. Said it was a bad code, unexpected. All I could think about was all that time I listened to her talk, and I was so glad that there was nothing more important that day. No one knew she only had two days to live. But she was the most important thing I had that day. And it was a good day.

Personality Profile

I recently did a personality profile. I'm thinking that they may have missed a few things. How do you line up the various quirks, so to speak, of a persons personality.

I'm very compassionate, yet if you piss me off, I won't bring you a warm blanket.

I love a code, yet find myself crying over the old people down the street that died in a car wreck.

I like people, but I don't.

Church people terrify me, I will never measure up to their standards. If they knew the real me, hah! they would never let me in the club. Trust me, my long term friends will even tell you that.

I believe in authority, and am willing to use a baseball bat to get you in line. Yet I question authority every chance I get.

I believe in team work, but don't want anyone else doing my work.

The list goes on and on. I don't understand myself. I will never be able to get past that whole "love your neighbor as yourself" thing, first of all, I barely know my neighbor and second, I would much rather read my book.

Sigh..... and there were no questions about duct tape and creative ways to use it. I see myself as Rat in Pearls before Swine. Oh well.

Attitudes and Latitudes

I recently did a project a work that would be a great time saver for everyone if, well, everyone would actually follow through. Real simple, we have these cabinets in our trauma rooms that we had to check each shift to make sure that everything was in them. I locked them with breakaway locks. Concept is that if you open the cabinet, you replace what was used, relock it. Pretty simple, AND we don't have to go through them each shift now to replace the stuff. We even set it up so that it was pretty clear who's responsibility it was to replace the stuff.

Alas, human nature being what it is, people love the idea, love not counting the stuff, just don't want to do the work to put the stuff back. I don't get it.

This morning, I was told "that happened at shift change, you wouldn't have done it either." Okay, first of all, don't put your work ethics on me. I would have done it. Why? Because I hate counting those cabinets and will do whatever it takes to keep them locked so I don't have to do it each shift. And second, and probably more important, is that if you want change, start with yourself. It's so much easier now. Really, and not just because it was my ideal. It was my ideal to avoid counting them daily. I'm fine with that motive. It saves time for everyone.

Michael Jackson for all his weirdness had a great song with The Man in the Mirror. I'm really trying to change who I am and what others see. Attitude, attitude, attitude.

The People on the Refrigerator

Today I almost met one of the families on my refrigerator. Okay, no one that knows me from work will believe that I am actually quiet shy outside of work. They were sitting two rows behind me in a Sunday School class and there was a lot of time that I could have done it. I mean, it's the new associate pastor of the church, how scary could he be? Well, considering that I've never really spent time with the main pastor, not seeing this happen. I think of all kinds of things I would like to say, but, nope.

When we first put their picture up on the refrigerator, our children were asking who they were. We tried to convince them that it was the new family we were adopting, but they didn't believe it. But it was fun.

Ever notice how many people have pictures of families, of children, cartoons on their refrigerators? There are only a few people on ours, I favor cartoons: Pearls before Swine, Zits, Baby Blues mostly. I love looking at photo's in other people's kitchens. You have an open door into who they are. So is it deceptive that I have people on mine that I'm too timid to meet? But that's another day.

Other Peoples Money

Today at Starbucks I saw a car tag "Tithes." I don't know these people, but that disturbed me. When we give to churches, organizations, or whatever, there is an effort to it. Sure we could use the money for things here, but we give. And when we give to the church, I don't expect an accounting of every dime from them, I want them to live well and enjoy the same things I do. I have close friends that receive their salary from donations, and none of them are frivolous with their money. So why did this bother me? I think because they are saying it. They are spending extra money to show that they are getting their money from other people. This is no different that the people in government that are wasteful of our money. So many don't even care. They would if it stopped and they actually had to get their hands dirty to earn it like so many do.

Grrrrrr This note could go lots longer, but I know so many people are beginning to tire of it.

Culture

Today I triaged a child from a middle Eastern country. The parents didn't speak English well but had a male friend with them that spoke some English. It was very interesting noticing some of the things that were done. I'm sure they were Muslin, wife had her head covered and the fact they were Arabic.

When I took the child's temperature, we do it rectally at that age and she was there for fever, the friend stepped out of the room to not see her bottom. I usually don't expose that much of the patient if I can help it so I thought that was interesting. This isn't a big deal, but it does make me wonder if because we are so casual about such things if we don't set ourselves up for the lack of privacy that we have in the US.

I'm not about to convert, I don't want to live under that much law. But I think sometimes we criticize things that are different without looking at the value they might have.

Of course, lets finish the story. I went to get the baby some Tylenol and as I was giving it to her, she showed me how angry she was at me. She barfed all over me.

One other thing. They were confused when I told them the temperature. I finally realized I needed to give it to them as I took it, in Celsius. The friend kept saying, "37?" I was like, 39, she's sick.