Thoughts on Christmas

Christmas is my favourite time of the year.... I love everything (except the traffic) about it. I do wish I were wealthier so I could give more but I'm not, so, well. Here are some random thoughts, some were thoughts I had and have heard sermons on them recently. Most of what I share could hardly be called amazingly original, but they are things that touch me.

I'm stunned by the baby king. I love to hold babies. They are so incredible, they are weak and they are strong. They smell good, they fascinate me. What great God would chose to send His son as a baby, who would he pick to trust with this. Who was Mary? I mean, she had to be special to be chosen, but then, couldn't be too special. Meek, mild, trusting. What about Joseph? Even before the angel came he was trying to do the right thing. I'm sure he was overwhelmed. Was it an arranged marriage? Did he love her? Was she beautiful, what drew him to her?

Imagine Jesus' siblings? You think your parents favor your older siblings, imagine trying to follow in Jesus' footsteps? "Jesus didn't act like that!" "Why can't you be more like Jesus?" LOL, what was the toddler Jesus like? Were there the terrible two's, you would think without a sin nature that would be the terrific two's. I could go on and on about this one, just thinking about my own children and their developmental milestones and wondering what it would have been for Mary.

The angel visits. I really can't imagine. I believe there has been an angel in my house when my mom was ill. I didn't see it, my dad did. I believe they are around. But I can't imagine what Mary saw. And we have the benefit of reading the Bible on a regular basis and knowing that angels appeared throughout, but they did not have that. Just faith. Faith. Would I have that? To hear that I was about to have a baby and name him Jesus?

The shepherds. Again, uneducated more than likely, but that doesn't refer to their character. Because they too had the faith to go see. They were chosen. The king came to earth, born in a manger, for us. The shepherds, the poor, the weak, the down trodden. Yes, there were wise men, who were truly wise, because the heard the voice of God to not return to Herod. They brought gifts. I'm sure that Mary "pondered" these things over the years: angel visits, shepherds, wise men, being on the run." Her child survived but many did not because of Herod. We could make a case, better one baby die than many, but then we would lose our Lord. Much grieving over this baby.

I love the children at Christmas.... magical thinking about Santa, reindeer, and what they understand of Jesus. We create the greed, not the kids. We create unreal expectations for ourselves. This year we did things much simpler around the house and it was less stressful for me. The most squealed over gifts were bubble wrap and Toy Story sunglasses but the others were well appreciated. It's fun to give. It's fun to receive. The only ones that frustrate me are when we throw out all these presents, everyone opening at once and no one really enjoying what is going on.

This morning at church we did Lessons in Carols, scripture readings and songs. It was great. I had seen Twisted Sister do Oh Come All Ye Faithful last night.... even the rocks cry out was all I could think of.

Merry Christmas.... may you find joy in all those around you and extend the love of God to others. May we have the faith displayed by those in the story and worship the baby King. And may be always remember what was done for us.

Breta

Fish Tanks

This may shock a few of you, but I kill things. Not people, but a case could be made for that as well. No, I kill plants and fish. A lot of them. I now have an empty tank in my living room. Well, not exactly empty, it has water and rocks, just no fish. Seemed pointless after the last one died.

Today I went to a salt water fish store. It was incredible. Not even just the fish, the rocks are alive. The tanks were filled with beautiful things, all waving at me. I could have stayed for a very long time, but I had to be somewhere.

I guess, yet again, I was stunned with the beauty of creation. What creator does such detail. I mean, this stuff is under water, who cares? Who was there to see for so many thousands of years? He could have gotten away with just sand, but no, he did a whole thing just for under the water. Not just a few things either, and the rocks are crawling with creatures. How incredibly awesome it was.

Of course, this is the creator that brought us a saviour in the form of a baby. He didn't have to do that either.

What love.

In awe,
Breta

Devotions for the Rest of Us #10

Almighty and everlasting God, increase in us the gifts of faith, hope, and charity; and, that we may obtain what you promise, make us love what you command; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

This is the collect this week and it seems so appropriate for what I need to hear. Increase the gifts of faith, hope and charity. I have had such a lack of faith over the last few weeks and have found myself all out of sorts, which of course leads to a lack of hope and sadly, if you asked a few of my friends and patients, a lack of charity.

Here's the thing, my job cut back on how they pay us for extra work. My boat got rocked. Okay, there I said it. To those that don't have a job or work for less than I do, I'm so sorry I whined. Because I shouldn't. I have a wonderful job and God has richly blessed me. What is really sad though is how I found myself reacting. "I'm not going to blah blah blah." Really, REALLY!!!! Because truth be told I like what I do, I like where I work, and I want to excel at what I do. So this attitude problem needs to go away.

It's a lack of faith. God has always provided. Okay, I'm not a trust fund kid, but I honestly don't think I would do that well. I would like to be less concerned about paying our bills but God has been more than faithful. Where does this come from?

Then that must also extend beyond just money, because it's not about money. It's about contentment in where God has placed me. My Lord, who loves me more than I will ever understand, has put me where I am, to interact with the people I do for a reason. To perfect me. To round off those edges. To build my faith. To humble me. Sometimes to call me out when I need it. One new person there, in his quietness, has made me rethink many of my words and actions. I'm still so full of myself, and myself is not who I long to be.

My question to those of you who have been so faithful to read these and respond is to please tell me how you overcome these times of lack of faith. Please be real about your answers, in that I know I'm not the only one that does this. Is it reading more in the word, is it in worship (which for me is where I really see a difference), what is it that keeps you going? I have really appreciated all the responses I've had to this, because I've come to find out I'm not the only one that feels like a failure in the kingdom. (Not calling you guys losers, just me, but it does help to know that others struggle in their walk and it's not just me).

And please know, it really wasn't about the money. I think what happens is I "have it all figured out." I'm going to do this, work this much, then I'll do this...." and sometimes God yanks my chain to remind me that He is above my plans. Many times I think God is much more interested in our reaction than our action.

Breta

Devotions for the Rest of Us #9

This last week has been overwhelming. Most of you know that my middle son married. It's probably split on how many knew about the funeral I attended on Friday. Let me just tell you some of the things that have impressed me.

First the funeral. Mary Sample was not a close friend of mine, she was my hero. Mary was someone I've looked up to for over 20 years. She never knew that. This isn't going to be one of those "wish I had told her" although I kinda wish I had. Mary was a leader in the home school movement here in Arkansas. Years ago I contacted her for various reasons, I don't remember, and she helped me. But back then very few people home schooled. She was a rock that I could call. It was that she was there, she didn't mind, she was kind. Seems so simple. Then a few years ago we sent our youngest son to Academy, and there was Mary. She befriended him. He came home at different times and mentioned her. If you have a son this may make more sense, my boys don't speak often. And then at his graduation she spent a lot of time talking to me durning practice and then the day of. I'm not really shy, more afraid of people that I know are more faithful than I am. So that someone spent time with me, treated me as if I had done this as well as they had (NOT), well. It was neat. And then Mary started coming to the church we did. I fell in love with her and her family in a new way. Gary got to spend some time with Stephen, I saw the kids.

Mary was called home. There is no other words for it. I won't do the details, but drawing from my medical background I was touched that God did it so quickly for her. For the family, I can't imagine. But the news spread quickly through the home school and church community.

You won't see the tears as I write this, but they are there just remembering. For this service was like no other I've ever seen. There was no "poor Mary" or even the basic details of her life, it was truly a celebration of life and of who she was and what she loved. I don't know how many people our church holds, I've been told there were 700+ people there, I believe it. The amazing thing was that thirty minutes before the service started after the worship leaders finished practicing the songs, they were just playing, and the people all began to worship. No one said to do this, but they began. The move of the Spirit was so strong. There were waves. Now in the world they would say it was an emotional movement, like at a concert or something of that line. No, it was not. When the ministers came to start, it was almost as if they were late. The whole body was in unison. I really can not describe what was happening. The service was wonderful, Matt had a wonderful word about who Mary was, and it seems I was not the only one that saw Jesus in her, we all did. The service pointed us back to Him. I don't know how the family felt about it, I can't imagine, but for all I've spoken with that were there we are all in agreement, how better a tribute to your life than so many people that come to say good bye turn to Jesus and worship Him. Our grief was comforted, not taken away, but there was real comfort. And we thanked Him for Mary. And we remembered her.

I left that service and went to a bridal luncheon for my soon to be daughter in law. Again, thank you Natalie for understanding my need to be at Mary's service. And so the wedding celebrations began. That night a rehearsal dinner and the next day the wedding. It was wonderful, and no I don't have pictures yet. But Stephen's pastor shared a gospel presentation about why we were there, not for the wedding, but because of Jesus. Then the ceremony began and Bobby basically did it again. Their love was apparent but Jesus was predominate.

As Christians, many times we go through the motions, but our "culture" is special. Both of these are emotional experiences, but they are at the essence of our life. Who we are. What we are about. What is our life without Christ. I have some friends that can't believe that I really think that my children were not sexually active before marriage, they think I am naive, maybe I am, but I also know what they believe. My friends openly laughed at me. I'm okay with that. You see, I'm not the one they are laughing at. I know that Stephen and Natalie have chosen to follow the Lord and that their lives will honor Him. And I know that while I feel so insignificant in the universe, that maybe not to the extent that Mary did, I've touched someone somewhere. The thing that has really touched me though is how these two totally different ceremonies both had the same message. I hope I'm communicating this well, but we are different from the world. We really are. Even when we are with them, we are different.

So many blessings to Stephen and Natalie and thank you Mary. I worshipped Jesus Friday and Saturday in your examples, in your joy and in your example. Thank you God my Father, Jesus my brother and Holy Spirit my helper for all you are doing in the earth and in me.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #8

A blogger friend recently wrote about verbal diarrhea. Basically she finds herself getting into trouble because she says more than is required of her. Lately she has offended people because she would go for the quick joke and then realize too late that it was not in the best of taste.

Boy, can I relate. In the last year I have become aware of how much we talk and say nothing of consequence. I find myself at work sitting on a trash can away from the nurses station because of the noise level and endless chatter. Don't get me wrong, I like to talk. Too much. And I will be more than happy to tell you the latest gossip, or about my kids, or my cat, or whatever. But I find myself disgusted with what I say, then you know, you have to repent from all that, and I'm tired of doing it.

Recently we had a guest speaker at our church, one thing that he talked about was sitting quietly before the Lord. Even in church. Wow. Have you ever tried to do that? I hear a lot of people talk about being ADD (myself included) and how it's hard to just sit still. So today during the worship service I tried to just sit and hear the Lord. And I sat. Then I refocused. Then I thought about what I had to do today, then I refocused. Then I thought about this week, then I refocused. Then I thought about how hard it was to do that. Just to sit. Just to think about the Lord. Not anything in particular, but was He saying anything to me? Would I listen if He did?

Remember the story of Moses in the cave, waiting for the glory of the Lord to pass by? The storm came, the winds, the rain, and God wasn't in any of it. It was the quiet. And if that were me and not Moses, I would have missed it while I was busy playing Mahjong or twilling my hair or something.

I'm sure I'm not the only one. It is torture for me when I try to have a "quiet" time, cause I can't focus. This morning I realized that as much as I dislike exercise, besides exercising my body, I need to exercise my mind. Build up my endurance, my abilities to train my mind to be still. I'll never grow in the Lord no matter how much I read, how much I know, if I can't hear His instructions. How can I hear Him tell me where to go, who to speak to, who to love, if I'm not in tune with the basic of how to hear Him.

Come to the Quiet. Come and sit at His feet. Come and listen. Come and receive. Come... and be quiet.

Apology Accepted

You know, I've worked a lot of code Blue's, saved some people, some not. I remember more of the ones that didn't make it than the ones I did. It's very similar to how when I make a mistake or really blow it, that I rehearse that over and over and forget the many times I did well.

Today was one of those days. I often say that when we do confession on Sunday, the part that really gets me is that whole "love your neighbor as yourself." I failed. Wait, I didn't fail, I was a horrible person that I can't defend, can't rationalize, and will have a much harder time forgiving myself than the lady I offended.

A mother brought her child in for pain management. The child was on pallative care (hospice) and going to die from her cancer. My goal was to essentially rush in, get IV access and free this child of pain. That is not what happened. The mom told me the child wouldn't let me do it, she wanted one of the onocology nurses to come and do it. What I heard through my pride was "you're not good enough, we don't trust you, blah blah blah" and my wounded pride said "screw it." I made the comment, "well, I'll just chart that you refused to have me access the port." Technically that was correct. When I was, again, my wounded pride, telling the other nurse on my team I made it all about the mom not trusting us, the ER nurses, to treat her child. The other nurses said she would take the patient and she did.

So a few minutes later I went to eat lunch. And as I waited to get my lunch all I could think about was: what if that was my child? She knows her child, she knows her child has trust issues. And here her child is sick, in horrible pain, and the nurse, someone trained to understand, is, well, less than kind. I could hardly eat.

I went back to the room, thinking, well, I'll talk to the mom, I'll tell her how sorry I am, and quietly leave the room. I'm thinking just me and the mom. Nope, several other people are in there, listening to me tell the mom how sorry I am for being unkind to her. And then she said it, I'm still stunned, cause I'm not sure I could do it. "I forgive you."

I didn't expect anything from her, in fact, I would have told me several things.... but through her tears she forgave me.

I know as I ask forgiveness from the Lord I will get it, but it will take me a long time to overcome this. But I hope that as much was given to me I'll forgive much more of others. I hope I never forget this lesson from a mom to reach over her dying child to touch the one that should have been helping her. Pray for that mom, her child will be with the Lord soon if not already. That is the best thing I can do for her, is to pray that God will be more gracious than she has been.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #7

This is a letter I wrote to a friend one day this week when I was struggling with envy. I think most of you can relate a little, hopefully for your sake not to much.

So I need to confess something. It's horrible.

I used to have this friend, she is now a facebook friend. But not a good friend. She is someone that was from my past. Now here is the thing. This girl is dumb, I don't mean a little, I mean really stupid. I'm not being mean, it's the truth. I even tried to help her once with getting a HS diploma, she's dumb.

She divorced her husband, while he was in prison (I believe he was innocent of the actual charge, but that is another issue) and sold all his possessions. She's mean and cruel. Never meet anyone like her. She says she's changed, I'm afraid to have much to do with her, but allowed her to be a FB friend.

She is now married and has horses. I can't stand it. She posted pictures of her "riding" her horse (she was being led around). I can not tell you how much envy came into my heart. You can have the big house, nice cars, whatever, but this dumb as a brick, mean chick has horses. I love the smell of them, the touch of them, being blown on by their noses as they nozzle you. I love the feel of riding, the power of the muscles under you, swimming with them, running with them.... how does she get them????? And not have a clue what she has.

So there, I'm going to get in the shower, pray for forgiveness for coveting my "neighbors" horse and remember that I gave up those dreams for the kingdom of God. Yes, I'll jump right on that. Working on it.

Sigh.

I don't like mean people. Mean people suck. And it seems some mean people get horses. I won't pray she gets bucked off. Nope, I won't do it. Or stomped on. Nope, I won't do it.

That was the end of the letter. It sounds so silly, a horse, but dreams that we give up in order to follow the Lord, those are real. No, the Lord didn't say, "you can't have horses." What did happen is that we had priorities in our life, raising godly children, our life in the church, all those things. It meant that we gave up certain things that maybe we would have enjoyed. Myself, I've often dreamed of having a Holideck like they did on Star Trek, where I could just summon up a good ride or vacation without all the hassle.

But then I remember, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." And then I'm okay with what I have.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #6

Confession: a formal admission of one's sins with repentance and desire of absolution

In our weekly confession at church we confess to several things: Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truely sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.

Lately I've been able to focus on the better part: that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Maybe better part isn't the right term, but I'm not drowning in my sin currently. Here's the thing, are we really giving up so much in not murdering, not stealing, not committing adultery? What about not crawling home drunk hugging the toilet? Or having to remember what lie we told so that we can keep them straight? Do I need to go on? I can, but you probably can fill in the blanks.

Focusing on "that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways." Wow, what does that mean? I've often talked about being kind, how about not sharing everything I know about people. How about avoiding the gossip? How about speaking to those that are stretching me (and by the way, not doing so good with that one - I still think they are stealing my overtime - and thus struggling with being nice to them). But I'm finding myself seeking how to "delight in your will." I'm asking the Lord to show me ways to reach out to those around me and minister to them. One thing is by keeping their confidence. Another is to be non-judgmental when they do share. When some of the young mothers ask me questions about how did my sons turn out so well, I direct them to the Lord, not to any great wisdom I had. Focusing on Him, not me. This is where I want to walk, where I want my mind to dwell. So this is my confession: not what my past is, but what my now is.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #5

I Kings 17:13And Elijah said to her, "Do not fear; go and do as you have said. But first make me a little cake of it and bring it to me, and afterward make something for yourself and your son. 14For thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'The jar of flour shall not be spent, and the jug of oil shall not be empty, until the day that the LORD sends rain upon the earth.'" 15And she went and did as Elijah said. And she and he and her household ate for many days. 16The jar of flour was not spent, neither did the jug of oil become empty, according to the word of the LORD that he spoke by Elijah.

Generosity: the quality or fact of being plentiful or large.

For some time now the Lord has impressed on me that I need to be more generous. I really haven't understood what that meant. I don't have tons of money, but even in the beginning I felt like it was more than just being a money issue, it was being generous of me. So I look around at people that I think are generous and this is what I see. One of my friends is the person you call when you need help arranging things or knowing the right thing to do, and she never seems to mind. She is always busy doing for others. Amazing woman. What is it about her that draw people to her? She cares, and she does it seemingly without effort. She has arranged weddings, decorates privately and for churches, yet she takes the time to show me how do simple things.

The widow was worried about how little she had, yet Elijah gave her the word from the Lord. Wonder how she felt? Did she have faith or can you imagine what she was thinking as she was making the cake. My thoughts would be that we would just die a little sooner, or maybe that he had food he hadn't shown us. Can you imagine what it would be for her each day as she continued to find flour and oil? Amazement.

I keep coming back to how do I become that person? How do I become less self centered and more Christ centered?

There is a doctor who has been asking to come over with her husband to our house and play games. I had resisted and resisted. See, I don't have a nicely decorated home that will be photographed anytime soon for any kind of decorating magazine (unless it's the before pictures) and I just resist having people over. It really stretches me. Finally I gave in and *gasp* they never noticed the house, they really wanted to play games. They want to be friends, and they don't know the Lord. How can I share the Lord with them if I can't share my home with them?

So yesterday I was talking with a friend and it hit me. Our being generous with each other is practice for us to be generous with those that need the Lord. If I give of my resources, whether it's time, friendship, a meal, whatever to those that already like me and know me, it will flow when it's time to give to others. It will be natural. And what does the world need: someone to care. Because trust me, people in the world really don't care about those around them. If I'm kind to those around me, it will be easy to be kind to others If I never speak bad of those around me, I'll not of others.

Practice. Call your friend you haven't seen, talk to them. Take a meal to someone who is a little sick, simple things. People want to know someone cares. Look for them on facebook, say hi. Nag me to invite you over, you might get served hot dogs and chili but it's not the meal that we seek, but the friendship. Remember how to reach out like we want to be reached out to.

For some people this is easy, for some like me it's harder. But I really believe that if we have a glimpse of the Kingdom of God that the way to make things "on earth as they are in Heaven" is to start doing what we envision. I want to have a happy work environment - I stay upbeat; I don't want to be around negative stuff - I stop being negative and walk away; I want to be kind to others - I have to view people not as how they present to me but why they are presented to me (remember I work in an ER). It's the whole Man in the Mirror thing (Michael Jackson). It starts with me.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #4

Matt. 21: 8Most of the crowd spread their cloaks on the road, and others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. 9And the crowds that went before him and that followed him were shouting, "Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!" 10 And when he entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred up, saying, "Who is this?" 11And the crowds said, "This is the prophet Jesus, from Nazareth of Galilee."

Palm Sunday we walked about with palm leaves and followed a donkey to the church. It was very sweet and a tradition at our church. The children love it and it is thought provoking. This is where you moan and say "oh no, she's thinking again." What would it have been to be part of the crowd? Think about it. There were a lot of crowds mentioned in the Bible, seems they were always around. But there are two crowds that I'm specifically thinking about: the crowd that waved Jesus in and the crowd that cried for his death. What happened in between that changed the way the crowd thought.

Now, I know and understand what had to be. That's not the part that intrigues me. I think that in the first crowd we found people who saw the compassion of Jesus, these are the people that have been hearing him teach, people that have seen the miracles. Maybe they haven't understood the teaching, but they see something they want. A realness that is not there with the religious teachers of the day. The second crowd was stirred by the religious leaders. It was very deliberate in wanting to see Jesus dead. They didn't understand the teachings nor did they want understanding. They had a problem and wanted to be rid of it. So you lie to the crowd, you persuade them, and you get them to do what you want.

In thinking about the first crowd, what does that mean for us today? You see, the modern day church is much like that crowd. We have real believers, but we also have people that are just hanging on, they see something they like, but they aren't "all in." They recognize truth, but it's not the same as being part of the truth. But when it gets hard, then we see that the "truth" is not in them. Today I was reading Facebook and saw this from one of my friends, "Why do people claim to be this "perfect Christian" but in real life they are a horrible person?" She went on to say that it made no sense to her. Of course it makes no sense, how could it? We can't know the hearts of those around us, we can only go by what we see. Yet what we see may not be the best way to look either.

Then there is one of my favorite parts of the story in regards to how people responded. Joseph of Arimathea, a rich man, a secret believer. I can imagine that he probably watched the crowds, maybe even wishing that he could be part of it. That he could wave the branches, that he too could spread his coat out for Jesus. But he had so much to lose. A secret believer. But then after the crucifixion, he went to Pilate and asked for the body to bury it. Imagine what that cost him. He was now "all in."

And then there was the angry crowd. They wanted Jesus dead. But how much of it was people and how much of it was the religious leaders stirring the crowd? And how much of it was human nature confronted with truth? I suspect much of it goes to the latter.

I've thought about this all week, which crowd would I have been in. While I hope in some ways I would have welcomed Jesus in I fear I would have been more than willing to place him on that cross. And not because that was what had to happen. We all have to face that ourselves, that it was us, rather me, that put him on that cross. And now we have to keep coming back to that in order to live the way He taught. So in going back to what my friend wrote, here is my reply.... I'm sorry. All I can say is keep your eyes on Jesus and hope that you recognize that we are so human, and filled with human nature. I'm trying to keep my eyes off the crowd and on Jesus, but it's so much easier to follow that crowd.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #3

Matthew 11 At that time Jesus declared, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; 26yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. 27 All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

This week I've been hearing over and over "Come to me all who labor and find rest for your soul." My mind doesn't have scripture as readily memorized as some do, but today I sought out the word to see what God was trying to tell me. In the meantime, I've been pondering, what is rest, and what is labor?

In reading the whole passage I found more questions (as I'm prone to do). What is being childlike? You would think I would know this one. I've been a child, raised three of them, and work with tons of them. There are everywhere!!! But you know Jesus had a point to this, since he referred to it more than once in his teaching. So as I sat here this morning, I've been reviewing children, what are they like? What endears us to them? Why do we protect them so? You will have different answers than I do, but of course they are cute and cuddly, they are innocent, they climb in our laps for us to hold, they trust us, they are honest in what they say.

Wonder where Jesus was going with this? Do I trust him enough to totally TRUST him, do I go to him for comfort (usually Ben and Jerry's but I'm working on that one), do I want to sit and play with him, spend time with him? I'm bombing out here. You all know I would rather sit and read a novel than do just about anything, and I'm not very trusting. When the kids were little I remember sitting in the floor playing with them, stacking blocks, playing cars, all those little things. How do we translate that to our relationship to Jesus? I don't know. I'm thinking this is part of the walk that I don't understand. I know it's more that just getting a few minutes in prayer, but really how do we translate having that friendship thing? That just being together that we do with our friends. Some of the most meaningful time you will ever have with a friend is when you are just together, you don't have to always fill the air with the sound of talking, it's just being together. Did I just answer my question?

What is labor? Do we labor to walk in this world? I do, I don't understand a lot of what I see in the ER. I don't understand how people can be mean, cruel, or just stupid. You see people who are ruled by selfishness. But we see it everywhere. The boss that puts you in a bad place, takes credit for your work, the co-worker that is difficult, the neighbor that dumps on you, our families.... Then we react to those things, sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don't. It's wearing to us. If everyone around us was kind and gentle, maybe this world wouldn't be so hard. But I know no matter where we go, there are things that just aren't perfect. There is no job, no family, no relationship that doesn't test our ability to walk out our commitment to the Lord.

Then of course, you will find rest for your souls. I want that. In our walk with the Lord there are things and times that we fall. Some fall harder than others. Some get up and continue, some stay in that place. I had ten years that I was very angry at God. In those years I know that I hurt people, my family, and most of all destroyed what faith I had in God. And myself. It's been hard for me to forgive myself since I repented. I keep coming back to the same thing and it's me that is doing it (I'm sure that the enemy of my soul is feeding all he can into my self focus). I saw someone that hurt me in the past recently, and it stirred up all kinds of memories, it was very difficult. I resorted to old habits to help the pain, drank some wine, broke out Eric Clapton, then Nirvana.... didn't really work well. Today as I read this passage, I realized what the Lord has been saying to me: rest from the past, rest from the knowledge of my sin, rest from the pain, rest from memories, rest from hurt, rest from whatever is there that you need rest from. Total rest. It's there for us. He is gentle and lowly in heart, his burden is light. It's ours that is heavy, throw it off. My burden is heavy and when I pick it back up after he has taken it off, then I don't have his rest.

So faithful has the Lord been to show me through the week about his rest. Years ago, before I ever became a Christian that was my desire, to find rest for my mind. Now to walk it out.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #2

9"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
11Give us today our daily bread.
12Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.[a]' 14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This morning I was praying for my son about a job interview he had Sunday. We only want this if it's what God wants and it reminded me of praying "your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." What does that really mean?

Can you imagine if everything we did followed the pattern of your kingdom come, your will be done here as it is done in heaven? This is a teaching prayer, we don't just recite it, we should be able to live it. So how does that happen?

Of course you can find wonderful teaching on this, my claim here is not to be a great teacher, it's that I have all these questions that I think we all have.... how in the heck to I do it???

This week a nurse I work with lost her daughter in a horrible accident. The husband now will be a single parent to a 4year old and a 1 year old. As co-workers we have all been stunned, you would think working in the ER we would be prepared for this, but honestly, we don't see it as much as you would think (thank you Jesus) and of course, this is someone we know. The response has been very emotional and very real. But the thing that has touched me is that we are reaching out to each other. It's one time that people are talking about "the Lord" in a very real way. And it gives a good chance to open a door about where we are "in the Lord."

This weekend I worked at my old job and as I was walking to lunch I passed a room, looked in and saw a physician I know. His mother was a patient there. I stopped and spoke with him for some time. His comment was how kind everyone had been. He doesn't know my name, but I'm a familiar face to him. It was the stopping and checking, the interaction. He opened up to me in a way that people never do unless they are very needy of love and kindness. It was very much a chance to minister God's love to someone in a way that would be received like no other time.

How many times do we have to make the choice to be kind, to be generous, to be an extension of what Jesus has done in and for us? It's those daily choices that make us like him, that carry out his kingdom, that bring his will to our lives. If we don't do the little kindness, we won't have a chance to do the big things. Evaluate what kingdom living is... what would it mean if his will was done by all?

The other thing about these times is that we are okay with being who we are. We are truly honest with where we are. That's the thing that is so difficult for us. For me. I want to look good to people, so I don't tell you what I think or did unless it makes me look good. We all do this, but what if we were real. Then the question becomes will we accept one another, will we help each other, and will we grow to be like Jesus or accept status quo? The best example I can give of this is one day a couple of weeks ago I was involved in a conversation about something another nurse did. I thought I was saying something positive but later that day one of my friends said that he had been disappointed that I had been involved in the conversation, he thought better of me and that we should be kinder to that nurse. Regardless of what I thought I was saying, being involved was wrong unless I had stood up for her. I felt like I had been slapped! It was a very gentle reminder that I had failed to be the person I should have been. And now I'm trying, note trying to be more generous about who I am and who I represent.

So my thinking is that it's the little things that sometimes show best who we are as Christians. We need to walk gently, make small decisions to be kind, to give grace to those around us... then we can do the big things that we are asked to do. Like toddlers learning to walk, little steps before we run.

Devotions for the Rest of Us #1

I've had this in my head to do for some time, but now the time has come to put it on paper (or computer). I've not been a reader of many devotion books, but I love reading the titles. Actually I read the titles to a lot of books, but not many entice me to read them that are Christian in nature. So why is that? What is wrong with me?

I found myself a few years ago sorting people into "church people" and the rest of us. Yes, it's wrong, but I did it anyway. I don't know that I can tell you what a "church people" is, but overall they scare me. The best guess is that they are the ones that you want to ask "so what do you do to sin?" Note, these are not necessarily the ones that go to church and you see Saturday night at places neither of you should be, but the ones that are just so perfect. The ones that make me nervous, because I'll never be that person.

So this is for those of us that are failures at being "church people." My goal in doing this is not to be a great teacher, I'm not. It's to see if there are others that are like me, struggling to live the gospel. My vision of this is to find scriptures that have meaning to me, share what thoughts they invoke with you. I love feedback. I'll have a few different thoughts than you, and hopefully we will al grow in the Lord. If nothing else, maybe I'll learn there are more like me than I thought. Maybe even a few people that I think are church people will be more like me than I knew.

So here goes:
Each week in our church we recite a confession. We don't confess our individual sins to each other, this is a group thing. And each week I'm convicted about the same thing: I don't love my neighbor as myself. Here is the scripture: Matthew 22:37-40 (New International Version)

37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[a] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b] 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

So what does this mean to me? There are many Bible studies done on this I'm sure but I've taken it to work and trying to walk this one out. First of all it's the co-worker that stresses me. One was a charge nurse that for some reason I disliked. One night I became convicted that my whole attitude towards her was not Christ like. So I began to greet her by name, ask her how she was, in general just being nicer. She's still not my favorite charge nurse, but overall we get along. More than anything I don't want to sully the name of the Lord.

Another thing is how to treat those of other belief systems. In the last few weeks I've had several dealings with Muslim families. I feel very honored that I've been able to serve them with love and kindness. The last couple I was able to anticipate some needs so that they could do their prayers while they waited on the child;s treatment to be completed. It shocked the father that I knew what they would need. My goal in this is again, to honor Jesus by my kindness to them.

Sounds great so far, but I struggle with those that are abusing the system, those that have abused their children, and those that in my words "just need a good smacking." How do I treat them? I don't know, well, maybe I haven't walked that one out. I try so hard to balance what is right, a need for justice, to know individually who needs assistance and who needs to learn to care for themselves. I see many poor people - people that are victims of our economy. But I also see those that have become enslaved to a system that rewards you for not trying. And I can't fix that in one visit, heck, in twenty visits. I need discernment to know when to call attention to overuse of resources and when it's time to give resources. How to show compassion to people that are ashamed of their situation and need resources. And how to comfort the weary, the weak, and those in need.

I'm in a position to see many people like this, but what about the bookkeeper or the secretary? Who is your neighbor? What about the person who cleans your desk, the waiter when you get lunch, or the UPS guy? Each of these is looking for a kind word, someone that notices they are there. I always think of "the least of these..." Some days I'm the least, some days you are the least, and some days you get to be the one that was kind to the least.

Confession

This is what we speak each week in confession. I wanted a place where I could keep it for reference.

Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, work, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truely sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake or your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.