Change is in the Air

I have spent the last five years in a job that I love. Maybe that's an understatement. One friend tells me (and he's a chaplain so he should know) that I have "work boundary issues." In a recent interview I stated as a strongpoint my "taking ownership" of all jobs I've worked. So it has been a huge surprise that I have announced my departure not only from my department, but also the company.

While I hope I'm not overstating my importance, I have overall been a good employee and have a wide net of aquintances thoughout the hospital. I worked in the ED while in nursing school for two years and met many people, then in my current job where I just extended the base of friendship. It was a very difficult decision to get to this place where I could leave. And I'm hoping that overall since I'm totally changing fields that it will not be seen as "abandoning" this place. I will say, overall, I would take my family there for care, and know that they will get good care.

So what happened? Where am I going? A little over a year ago it was planted in my brain about an AIDs orphange in South Africa that my son supports. I've heard of mission trips for years, even tossed about going, yet never did. I can do a lot of good by raising the funds to send those younger and in better health for that. But this stirred my heart. It's not a direct quote, but John Piper basically says that retirement isn't for us to sit around in, and that has hit a nerve. I told a friend last night, and she was like so you're going to South Africa? I don't know. What I know is that it put a desire to seek God about what should I do? Is there more to my life than just taking care of these adults?

Then came the catalyst. My beloved boss, friend, and co-worker (for she did that as well) had an opportunity that she couldn't say no to. Then she was trying to get me to go with her, and while I loved her for that, it was not something in my heart to do. But it made me consider, what do I want, where do I want to go from here? Now you must realize, I hardly ever search the want ads, throw aways all the offers to "come join our team", so I really didn't know what to do. A friend had just made the move to the ER at the local children's hospital and I began to consider that.

I applied to two jobs, one ER, one heart team. Now I love the heart, really love the heart. I could envision myself on the heart unit, but there was one huge obstacle. I would have to work weekend option and I don't want that. I applied to see how long, would it, could it work. But it would have taken a year to get off weekend option. I really, really wanted that job but it wasn't the time for that. The ER like hadn't called, so I asked while I was there. Seems I had applied for the wrong job. But we got that worked out and then they didn't call. I finally resolved to myself that I needed to make things right where I was, make sure my attitude was good and just continue until I felt God move. Then the ER called. Now, at work, on here I seem very confident, but in that first interview I was HORRIBLE. They offered me the job but not based on my personality. But when I interveiwed in the ED it was totally different. I hit it off with the lady, I was relaxed, she was able to see the real me and she still liked me. As a friend later said, It was right.

So now I have given my notice. There was some kind of glitch and I must NOW apply for the job. Normally I would freak out about that, but I'm okay. I have to give four weeks notice anyway. The plan is to start the new job in January. I'm now reviewing kidlet anatomy, diseases, and movies (must keep up with what interest them). I'm terrified, yet excited.

So ends this post and begins a new chapter.

Princess

Went to see Enchanged today. Took a princess with me. See, I've always had boys, grew up around boys, never around that many girls. So this was a real treat. She's 7, carries a purse, blanket and uses her thumb. It was awesome, the movie was good too.

I'm going to have to upgrade my mental abilities with little ones with the new job. I suspect I may need to borrow the princess again for movies, I mean, how can I relate to kidlets without seeing their movies and all things relavant to their lives? I'm excited! Frankly, I'm not sure that this world of all adult stuff is that great. Adults are way to serious. Consider those around me that don't understand why Eeyore goes places with me, or the adventures he often takes. Consider those that never see the fun in the world. It's not that you ignore "real life" its that you can only survive what you overcome. I overcome with humour, with love and hopefully with kindness.

I fear the change, but then, maybe I'll drive a sword into a dragon (or bus) and maybe I could sing a note or two (yeah, right) and get the mice to clean the house. But maybe I'll sing to myself and make the cleaning pass easier. And maybe we can defeat a real dragon and make the world better for those kidlets.

If not, maybe the princess will let me borrow a corner of her blanket. I have my own thumb (or tootsie pop).

Walking Away

It's a great job, I really wanted it. At this point money isn't the issue and that really played no part in my decision. But to be able to work with "slimy sacks of snot" would be so nice. Tail pullers, germ factories, nose pulling, eyeglass smearing..... how many names there are for them..... little ones, tots, peds, floor grazers. Yes, I want that. I want to work with someone that they don't have to appreciate what I do, they are the gift.

I had to walk away and say no. It was hard. Not sure I've every done it before. I had more peace about doing this than I've had in awhile. Now however, as I get ready to go to work, my stomach is churning, I'm already stressed and I haven't even dried my hair.

But I can't give up Sunday. Not now, maybe another time and place. Maybe today I'll go up to the neo-mates in my hospital and see them. Touching would be wonderful. Bablies are so healing, even the snotty ones.

The tears are coming again, hopefully cleansing. My thoughts need purification towards my current work and co-workers, okay, the administrative team more than anyone. Need to reread James 3, master the tongue and the thought. No problem, should be a snap!

Have a good one, pray that somewhere today I can see one of the babies, touching would be nice.

Best Story Ever

There is one thing about medicine, it's hard to make up some of the things that we see. So I will tell you one of the best stories ever!!! Think about sudden cardiac arrest, that kills a fair number of people in the US. Here are the important things to remember: sudden death.

So here you are, you wake up, not feeling so good, you want to call into work, but your spouse won't let you. You go in, it's a good job, one in which you get to help a lot of people, in fact you are a dispatcher for the ambulance company in a moderate sized city. Actually, you are also a paramedic. So you're sitting at your desk, on the radio when...... nothing..... fortunately for you, your coworker sees you fall over, immedately starts CPR, a couple of other coworkers come in because they were bringing back an AED that had just been serviced. That AED is now being used on you! They toss you in the ambulance, take you to the ER, where you are intubated, taken to the cath lab and the vessels are fixed. The time here is impressive, we all know you. In the unit you are well cared for and even though you are in cardiogenic shock there was a wonderful outcome and a few days later you are sitting in the cafeteria eating the yucky food.

This is what AED's are made for. It was cool. I love my job.

Hang On!!!

They said, "Hang on, it will get better!" We did, and it almost did. They said we would get staff, they said that they would help us, they even said they would put on uniforms and help us. Who in the hell are they, cause they didn't show up, neither did they help, neither did more staff (okay, technically we got some new ones but then some good ones left).

Vacation didn't help, oh, and I haven't even been back to work yet. I got calls on vacation, which I didn't mind, but I worry so about my friends on staff. I hadn't been off the plane 12 hours before I got the first call to come in. This wasn't one of those where they called just to see, there was pressure involved. Today I got the 3rd resignation, from a friend. He even called me at home and told me, which I am so grateful for. Actually I knew he would go, I was just hoping it would take a while before it happened. But then, I think that it was the best decision for him.

Our supervisior has only been gone 1.5 weeks and we are a mess. I'm sick at my stomach, angry (remember, I haven't worked yet). I guess I wonder, how much more are they going to hit us with? And do I need to go ahead and get my resume together, actually it wouldn't hurt to brush it off, I tend to piss off those over my head so I may be on the hit list as well.

I loved my job, I love my friends, I love the unit, but I'm afraid. (for those that work with me, I'm having a faithless moment - it will be okay). And there is the rub. This hospital is not my source. Again, this hospital is not my source. It is a paycheck. My heart is for the patient, and I get frustrated when I see things hinder patient care. But then, there are problems at every other hospital in town, just maybe not the same ones I see. As the ex-boss would say, "this too will pass..." Please, soon.

Vacation and Change

Sunday we leave for vacation. I need it. Between PMS and my boss, who has been the best boss I have ever had, leaving I'm in a mess. I've worked for her for a little over 5 years. We are friends, not just at work, but friends. The only thing I've never really clued her in on is this blog. Otherwise, we're fairly open with things (wonder if she has one that talks about us, hmmm). Anyway, she got a promotion. A co-worker put it like this, "I love you_____ but I'm mad at you right now." I have worked myself into being sick over it. We are excited for her, this is an opportunity that is just unreal. But again, we are very grieved. At this time we don't know who will take her place, there is one that would probably be very good, keep the best of our unit and make some changes that would be positive. Otherwise, I worry.

So, is it a time for a change? Job or even place of employment? I hear things that make me wonder about the ability of this place to continue to function as is. But then, we are a major player in the state. Happiness comes from within, and I am content within. But the questions are still there. Where can I have a positive impact and do the best for my family as well. My hospital doesn't pay as well as others, but money isn't everything. I am very sure that the hospital isn't my source. Things to ponder.

We are going to San Francisco and the surrounding area. I should be wonderful. Neither of us have ever been there. I have drugs for the flight (the noise on the plance bothers me, as do people sitting by me, as do close quarters), books and my iPod. Anyway, I have a trip to plan. I will be checking here so any thoughts are welcome.

Death

What is it that you see in their eyes as they are about to die? I can't explain it. We had a lady die today that had been moved to the unit because she wasn't doing well. Three hours later she was made a no code. I was called into the room by the other nurses to help out. We did various things for a few minutes but as I was watching her I was still aware that her skin color was mottled around her neck. I found out that she had a PE and probably several. She bacame very short of breath and we were considering intubation when the doctor talked to the husband and they made the decision not to procede.

But as she lay there, she looked me in the eyes as I was stroking her face. I asked, "Are you in pain?" and she tried to tell me something, but it was the eyes. I still don't know what I saw. It will haunt me. We did bring her husband in and she died holding his hand.

I did tear, almost cry. Maybe I did cry. I don't know. I've seen this so many times, yet it always amazes me when you see the moment that they change spheres. I think it makes me less afraid. But the connection is so awesome between us at that moment.

Maybe I'll go to bed.

Overheard *with regards to Fat Doctor*

Do you know how much this weights?" Pt's mom to my boss, while looking at a 5# weight holding pressure on the pt.

Hmmmmm maybe 5 pounds.......

Sadly, mom fired me from the case, but in the same complaint she mentioned that they shouldn't allow all the nurses to change shifts all at once...... Yeah, we should trickle in ovrer a few hours....... good one that.

New Things

Well, the Eagles said it best, they would reunite when Hell freezes over, hence the name of the return alblum. So we said about being part of a church that was just starting up, never again!! Yet, you feel a breeze here??? The church we had been attending fell apart earlier this year. There are still some people attending but it will never be the same. There are many things that could be said about it, but I've said a lot previously and there are people there that I still care about and I don't want to hurt them with anything that I might say that would offend them.

But the new thing, it's been fun. What!! Church fun! Yes, it's not all gnashing of teeth and naysaying. When you have a heart to love one another, to build up one another, it can be fun. Sure there will come a day when fun things aren't done, but for now we are enjoying one another and rejoicing in the freedom of Christ. It's a mix of people (a very small group - had it been a church split we would have more people) which I find encouraging.

So I hope this is a good thing. I hope we have as good of reception in this town as the Eagles did when they returned. Alas, I shan't hold my breath on that one, but you can always hope. I have hope again that I can look forward to going to church and survive. If this folds at some point, I can honestly say that I gave my all to it and trust that God is looking out for me.

Socially Acceptable

You ever watch a little kid that sucks their thumb and holds a blanket? Don't they look peaceful? Methinks I would very much right now like a blankey (or Eeyore with a detachable tail), lay on my tummy with my butt up in the air, and do the thumb thing. It was a horrible day and I don't want to go back.... ever would be fine.

Methinks it's not okay to tell the family that "if you really think I'm giving *&%$$# care then maybe you should come up here and check on it yourself!"

And I'm really trying to work on not using bad language, but when I was giving report to the floor today it just oozed out, not about the pt, it was that the "pink sheet" only I didn't say sheet, I replaced the double ee's with an i. A couple of nurses almost fell out laughing. Then walking across the floor my crocs did the normal tripping me thing.......

The day went downhill from there. I can't describe it all. Okay, maybe a little more for your consideration. I took my pt up to the floor, while tucking her in the bed I heard the staff in the room across the hall start yelling for help. Maybe I should mention that I'm on the code team when I'm charge, anyway, at least I didn't have to run. I was there, start to finish. Anyway, the woman didn't do too bad, we intubated and sent her to a unit. The timing was great.

Have I mentioned that I don't, do not, want to go back tomorrow. Maybe they will let me work in the ER. I'll die of overwork, but at least they won't yell at me like my staff did today. Wait, no complaining. Off to bed, maybe watching Monk will help. Night.

Encouraging Words

Our census is low. Very Low. Staff was worried.

"They will come, they will come
The snot will flow and they will come."

or when asked where all our patients were....

"they are at home resting up for their heart attacks
and distress"

If we are patient, they will come and be our patients.......

Us or Them

We've had a pt in the unit for several months now, he has been a good patient, however as it sometimes happens, we can't fix everything. The wife reminded me today, I was there the day he came in, that he shouldn't have survived the first day. That he has made it this long is either a testament to stubborness or tenancity. I'm not sure if it was good or bad.

He died at shift change.

The family was going to let him go tomorow, but sometimes God allows us to not make the decision. I really don't know that his wife could have handled it. I'm thankful that she doesn't have to walk down that road. Funny, we were going to call her and tell her that we were worried when she wasn't there today, and she walked in as the nurse was calling her cell phone. We all hugged her, we knew the time was coming, just not sure when. The nurses were at the bedside, day shift and night shift together to bid him farewell and to go on. We all knew that it would be better for him, all that met this man knew he was a special person. I'm proud to have cared for him and the family.

As the wife hugged me, it hit me: are we comforting them, or they us?

"I Used To Do Drugs, I Still Do, But I Used To Too"

However, these days the drugs are Maalox, Crestor, and Metformin. Mitch Hedberg is one of the funniest comics I've ever heard. Sadly, he died a few months ago, heart condition. Mitch is not for the ones with virgin ears, he comes out of the drug culture, similar to how I feel about Cheech and Chong.

Last weekend I watch a bunch of stuff on TV about rock culture and the drug years of the 60's and 70's. I found that it brought back memories and feelings that I would rather not be reminded of. At my advanced age, I probably dwell to much on what might have been. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people. There are days I would love to sit in a dark room, drink Crown and listen to Pink Floyd or Clapton doing the blues. Then there are the days that I am devoted to reading the Bible and music that is along that genre. Can the two co-habitate? Methinks yes, but then I feel guilty about that. But then, by the time I went and bought the crown and found the CD the mood would probably pass, and finding a quite place in the house is almost nonexistant. Oh well. I could eat Ben and Jerry's and stare at the fish......... Almost the same effect and about the same level of sin for me. (not the fish, the ice cream)

Thinking of the fish, maybe I'm like my neons, one of them is always away from the others... did they push him away, is he thinking, does he want to be friends with the angel tetras? So many things to wonder.

Diversity

Went to a Hispanic grocery store today. Methinks I was the only caucasian in the place. It was most interesting, beautiful layout, the various rows of peppers, vegatables, bins of beans. It was very interesting. As I walked the aisles I remembered once when my youngest was a newborn. I had signed my other boys up for swimming lessons at the only place I could really afford at the time. It was at an inner city YMCA. We were the only white people there and all the little girls would come up to the baby and want to touch him. It was really sweet. Once I asked the three year old if he noticed anything different about his instructor (I was actually inquiring about his name "Boo") but I was pleased that his answer was that Boo's swimming suit was green.

Alas, I didn't buy much there. I realized (yeah, it was my inner blond coming out) that I wasn't finding what I wanted to cook for my stirfry at the hispanic store. I just chalked this one up to exploration, but I know where to find the best peppers in town.

Duh

Prior to giving a shot to a twenty year old: You gonna stab me with that!!!!!

Dumb look on my face: Yeah.

Aren't you gonna push it in slow???

Flat expression: I can, but it will hurt a whole lot more.

I.... I ..... I guess let me look away before you stab me.

Sadly enough, I did stab her (so to speak) and she basically didn't feel it. It was only a tetnus shot, nothing like an antibiotic that actually would hurt. Good Grief, get out of my ER.

Joy

Thanks Fat Doctor for sharing this. After a hard day at work (or whereever) this is good.

The Waiting Room

Had to go to the breast surgeon today. The year after my mother died I had my baseline mammogram which showed a lump. This was properly disposed of a month later (Christmas holidays were rough that year) with a laser procedure. I now have yearly checkups with him. The funny thing with this doc is the routine: hug, grope, grope, hug. Now the grope is a very professional grope, he is well respected but if you have my sense of humour, well, what can I say. (All was well, by the well, same time next year).

I watch people: the waiting room had a mix of folks: those like me, by themselves, confident everything is fine; those with several support people that you know are not calm about this visit, and those kinda in between - scared but alone or not alone but maybe doing okay.

Waiting rooms are tense places, when I walk through the waiting room early in the morning to say hello to the guest reps the families look up but pay no mind. They know with my backpack on that I'm just another person. Later, should I walk out there, all eyes are on me. They look afraid: who will she pick? is it bad? Reminds me of the herd of animals with the lion picking one out. The other animals are running, no one stands by the one picked out. You feel the eyes on you, they all watch, even if they know they have never seen me in the unit they are in, they all watch.

I've forgotten about it before and gone out to see someone I knew, but not well. They were afraid when I came out and I forgot to ease the tension (family had no idea) until a few minutes passed. I felt bad. Anyway, interesting to watch.

The Party

Went to a surprise party tonight, the guy was actually surprised! It was a lot of the people from the church, whatever our church is now. One of my favourite things is watching people, and watching the other people watchers in the group. Example, the host of the group watches from across the room, and I loved watching his reactions to the folks. It was quite a mix of folks, and they know about the blog so this could be interesting.

The seniors that aren't that senior. Agewise, maybe, but I don't really see a seperation in us. They have more life experience, and when the karoke machine came out they went with a different group of songs (Beautiful Doll, When the Saints Go Marching In). But they sang early on and laughed at it and at us. The church had really been blessed with an awesome group of older folks, some of the ones I knew better have gone on to be with Jesus, and I wonder often had some of them been here if the church would have had some of the problems it does. I don't think so. Anyway, this is a fun lot that can teach us a lot.

The mids: I think that's me and a few others. One is particuarly interesting to me: she is surrounded by males, and she looks like she should have had girls to be on her side. At times she seems frail yet she keeps them in line. I actually came to know her more because her father, like mine, died in the unit I work in. I forget that at times when I laugh about being the angel of death, or at some of the things, but I think I did her right when her dad was a patient. This group has people that are serious about following the Lord and about doing things right. Yet they can have fun in a good way.

This group, including the ones that weren't there tonight, has come together out of necessity. They have quickly merged into people of action. I'm interested to see how this will work out. I hope that the relationships will last though.

Kids!!!

Don't ya love them??? Continuing sources of entertainment. My guys are 23, 20, and 17. All boys, all boy. I have found that if I just stay around them, hanging, I learn more about my kids than I could any other way. Picture this, one border collie being held facing forward by one boy, another tossing the ball to the dog for her to catch. Another is discussing why they should get a penguin as opposed to a weasel. I'm in shock at this point. Then they talk about how they could put a shark in my new aquarium to eat my tetras...... oh yeah, just kidding mom.

I'm talking about painting the house, they don't care what colour I paint their rooms, one just points at the colour chart while not looking! I don't get it..... They just want it done quickly so I'm not in their way.

I also was listening to them describe homeschool to someone. Basically they focused on how the youngest one always has one of the animals in his possession during school. The dog "answers" the questions the cat is usually forced to dance around. Could explain why the cat is so unhappy during the school year.

And yet I know I will miss them when they move out.

The Restaurant

Thanks to the drug company I was allowed in one of the better restaurants in my town. And let me say, I do thank them. The thing is, the owner of the restaurant grows the greens for his salads. What I don't understand is, why do we now leave the stems on the ends of the green things? And why am I eating stuff that reminds me of what I used to throw away out of the garden and eat out of the yard (haven't mentioned my fixation on imitating the horse, have I??) It was rather embarassing having the green stems hang out of my mouth while sipping on the very fine wine. And I wonder why my boss rarely takes me anywhere!!

It was fun, I appreciated learning the differences between cardene and nipride, both of which I am very comfortable with. But remember, I'm the one that thrives on adrenaline. I do enjoy these dinners the speaker though made one false statement that all the ICU nurses corrected him on: patients can live forever in the ICU, we all know the stories.

On that note, my "friend" that I also precepted in the unit was delighting the aides today with stories of my disasters. I had forgotten some of them, but it was fun hearing her perspective on those things. Okay, a quickie: one of her first days in the unit, code was called, doc was in the room with our pt (we hadn't even seen the pt yet - first thing in the morning), we go to the code...... as we are bringing the code pt down to the unit they call a code in our unit. I walk in, it's MY patient. Seems the doc let him get up to go to the bathroom and he suddenly didn't feel well, they got him back in bed and that was pretty much all hey could do. The family had all gone home, they had been there all night and he was fine. Rather awkward moment explaining that one.

Another day tomorrow.........