Shopping with Teen

The 16 year old begged to go shopping today, even consented to dust prior to leaving (and I mean mom approved dusting, not his norm). Maybe I'm a pushover, but this kid continually amazes me. I figure there are only a few years that I get to have with them before they leave home (so I've been told anyway, none of mine have left) so I usually let him play his music in the truck. Today though, we compromised - at each stop we would change to the other ones CD. So..... christian rap to Nirvana (my choice) to christian rap to Christmas music (again, me). By the time we were done I was fried. Totally. I told spouse that I needed a drink with dinner, after I explained why he didn't mind at all.

The child and I had a talk while out. I told him that I wanted to live long enough to see his kids be teens. He looked at me and grinned (he has killer dimples) and stated that his kids would be demons. I replied that yes, he was screwed. He said that was fine, he was going to drop them off at my house every day. Figures I did school with him, I can teach his kids. We need to discuss philosophy of why you homeschool, so the parent can be closer to the child. It was fun, maybe when he sees a therapist (everyone should have therapy, and I would love to hear what my kids would say if they ever did) it won't be all bad on how I raised him. The middle child, I figure I won't come out as well, but we all know the middle kids get wronged throughout life anyway. The oldest kid, well, I bought him a dishwashing tool for his job and he was excited and grateful, I may fare well with him too. I hope so, he decorates the tree, I need to stay in his good graces.

The Frozen North

We have a new pastor, he's "not from here". Now, there's "not from here" local and "really not from here." This guy is from the latter. Canada to be precise. Recently we had a discussion about things people do up there to kill time and games that are played. Now, dude likes hockey. Actually that would be an understatement, he LOVES hockey, why he moved to the south is beyond me. There is an ice rink in town, but I know this is nothing like what he is used to.

So we are in Texas for a funeral and he's telling me about going driving on the ponds in your truck. Being a good southern girl I have visions of just trying to drive on the streets without killing people during icy season. I can't imagine going out on a pond (of course here nothing freezes like that anyway). And I've worked in the ER on an icy day, lots of work. I'm not into "loss of control" I don't even drink to lose control, the closest I get to that is when we get an "exciting" patient and the adreniline pumps.

So here am I listening to his story about the thrills in Canada (and I'm thinking good book, glass of wine, hot tub, maybe even hot chocolate) when I have an Eureka moment!!!! Their brains are frozen!! That explains all!!

So when I'm around him now, he looks at me with that "I know you think my brain is frozen" look and I look back with "yes, it is" and we have a quiet understanding. It makes for peace. Besides, I have the ultimate upperhand, he has to work with my kid, who has had my input for 22 years......... *giggle*

Not From Here

I work in a critical care area, specializing in hearts. Some days I know what I'm doing, I hope anyway, they let me play charge.

The other day we got a patient from the floor, fast heart rate. This was going to be my patient, I was charge but I had the only empty bed. Actually it didn't sound bad, usually we can deal with these fairly quickly. Patient comes down, I get him on the monitor, still standing at the bedside, no chance to look at the chart yet. The doctor comes in, now, he's not from here. I don't mean not from the local area or even not from the south, he's not from this hemisphere. So Dr. Z walks in, pulls the blanket down, pulls off the abdominal dressing from where he did surgery the day before. He states, "that looks fine." Technically that was true, it did look fine, but the pt didn't come down because of the dressing, Dr. Z still hasn't looked at the monitor or listened to the pt.

He then asks me about lab work on the pt, what were his labs this morning. Now he knows the pt has just arrived and there is no way I could know the answer, but he should have access to that. He decides, again, without the lab or a cvp, that the pt is dehydrated and we will run in a litter of NS.

I was off the next couple of days, when I returned I found that pt was now on amiodarone gtt without much success, in fact, he's a bit worse. Also, the nurse reported that there was a red area around the end of the dressing so Dr. Z pulled the staples completly out the whole length of the wound. The next day the distal end of the wound was open and had an odor. Again I was off, when I returned the pt now is on the vent and has abdominal abcesses. I'm not seeing a good outcome to this.

So I don't know what to think. Did Dr. Z get in over his head? I heard mumbling about when he opened the belly he ran into things he wasn't expecting. I realize things can go bad on anyone, however, I'm not liking this one. I guess my opinion went downhill the day before when I saw Dr. Z do a sterile procedure that was anything but sterile. I'm told that we should write up what we see and when they get enough complaints.........

The sad thing is, I'm not prejuidiced or racist. I guess if we all look in our hearts we will find some, but overall I know of several doctors that I adore and would choose should the occasion arise that are "not from here". But then there are those that because I am female won't look me in the eye (one even closed his eyes the whole time he was talking to me, that won't happen again either), that I've seen treat patients with lack of care or concern. However, there are some that are far more blue blooded that I that do that, but in all farness, I can't stand them either. Comments.......

Quote

Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player. Albert Einstein

Thought this was interesting..... considering my current state of mind, it fits.

Boys will be boys

Thanksgiving was fun. My sons, 22, 19, and 16 played baseball with the neices, 4 and 5. Watching a 6' 4" male hit a softball with a T-ball bat is just too much fun. The rules were basically if the ball went over the fence, it was out, under and it was a home run. There were ghost players and mommy helpers (the 5 year old is slightly afraid of the ball, the 4 year old is tough).

Methinks these boys will be good fathers, they were rough on each other, and kind to the girls. All were worn out at the end, the girls went home to nap, the boys fell out on the couches (except the middle one that went to the girlfriends parents to eat another dinner). It was way too much fun.

My brother in law discussed his plans to ask his girlfriend to marry him in January. We wondered why not over Christmas, but he said no. I think it would be sweet, but then again, I'm not the one getting married.

Family times like this are better now than they used to be. Years ago these people drank to excess and we couldn't wait to leave them when the boys were little. They still talk about the time when the bottle rocket war got out of hand, yes, alcohol was on board. This year I will work Christmas, so I will miss the little ones. But, I have many years with mine little that I still cherish. The middle son always asking for Chocolate milk was priceless, in fact, he still asks for it. The fights, wait, they still do that.... maybe nothing has changed except the size and the price of the toy........

Nothing Special

Happy Thanksgiving!! We will be going to my mother in laws and hanging with the family. Not sure how I feel about this, I will miss her when she is gone, but sometimes I wish we could do it here with our family, but I know how disorganized I am. Alas, this way it's easier. But the boys will grow and leave some day (well, I've heard it happens).

Work has not been bad lately, but the census is low. I've heard they thought of closing the unit yesterday, but I don't see the cost savings. They would take our patients, sent them down the hall, take my nurses and send them with the patients. Don't see the advantage, lights aren't that much. The staff is scared, I'm not happy but I'm sure this will pass. If not, I don't intend to go down the hall, I don't like the other units. I would attempt to move to ER, which I love. But we will see.

So enjoy the day, read the paper, play with the kids, remember it will not always be this way. Some days better, some days worse. I miss my parents and I know that one day I will be gone as well. But hopefully the memories we build now will survive.

What Goes Around

Interesting enough, the other day I was in an indepth conversation with my eldest child when the phone rang. I answered. Which led to a rebuke from child about the phone being more important than him. His words went to my heart. I have on many occasions allowed the phone or other things to be first above them. Now time for a change.

Last night my youngest was with a group of people and waited until the last to leave in order to talk to a man he looks up to. They engaged in a conversation then another man came up and took the conversation away. My heart was greatly grieved that this man had a sixteen year old want to tell him his heart, and he chose not to listen. He may never understand what happened, but I saw my son's fallen face, and I hurt.

I will listen, they will give me another chance. Probably because I feed them and do their laundry. More than anything, I love them.

Pearls Before Swine

I've just recently discovered this gem. As soon as I figure out how to get cartoons and pics on here (and that's like my brain is fried and non-tech oriented these days - and time challenged) I will show some of my favorites.

Of course, I'm also trying to discover what is important to me as a philosophy. The synical side of me is defined in my opening phrase about kittens and snakes. Those who actually know me are torn between am I a pessimist or an optomist. I actually don't know except to say that I know that man is totally corrupt and that man's heart can be changed (so am I a Calvinist or Armenian??). Mine was and is in process. I totally believe man can do things beyond our imagination yet man is redeemable (yet I love Mitch Rapp and his function in fiction).

So here are a few quotes from Pearls Before Swine - and my favorites aren't here, I expect a book for Christmas (hint, hint)


Rat: If you could have a conversation with one person, living or dead, who would it be
Pig: The living one.
[pause]

Pig: You must really think I'm stupid.
* * * * *
from pearls before swine

i love the crocks

Rat: I'm poor.
Goat: They say a man's wealth is not measured by money, but by the number of good friends he's made.
Rat: I'm bankrupt. * * * * *


Pig: What are you reading?
Goat (holding book): It's a mystery.
Pig: Have you checked the title page?
* * * * *
Rat: I saw my cousin Gene today.
Pig: Is he the guy that runs marathons?
Rat: Yeah, but he's a real jerk ... nobody in my family likes him.
Pig: It must be tough to have a bad Gene that runs in the family.

Will have more to follow. Must go educate the child now.

Random Thought

Thought from the current book, sadly not a book of philosophy or great wisdom, a political thriller: Act of Treason by Flynn

"It is what it is."

The context doesn't matter, just the thought. It's been on my mind all day. Simple, True, to the point.

"It is what it is."

Giving

This morning Fat Doctor spoke about patients giving gifts to her and some of the residents. It brought to mind how many patients have brought us gifts in the unit. It's really sweet when someone takes the time to do something like that. One family that I had spent a lot of time with heard me asking for Whoppers from the drugstore and bought me a huge carton of them. Others have brought all kinds of things for us to eat (and we love it!).

Why do they give, after all, they will have a huge bill to pay. For the same reason that we offer coffee to the lineman that restores our power, we (and they) are the personal part of the whole. I would never think to write "thank you" on my check to the electric company, but on a snowy day I'll offer coffee to the lineman outside. I know he's being paid well, but still, it's a human thing. I can "do my job" without getting attached, or offering comfort, or those hugs and pats, but that's not who I am. I do piss people off, I tell the truth, hopefully in a kind way, but somedays they don't get "mama's gonna die" until you say it that way.

Recently we had an employee's mom in the unit. The day I came back from vacation I asked how mom was because I hadn't seen her yet. She told me they wanted her to make her a DNR and she just didn't think she could. We talked for a long time, then I went to see her mother. She was dying as we spoke. I got the daughter (she was on the job), told her she needed to take off NOW and we could call her supervisor if needed, but she needed to be with mom. She died about an hour later with the daughter at the bedside, still not aware that mama was not coming back. A month later she asked me how I knew she needed to be there. It was so sweet, I was just going to get coffee that day when I stopped to talk to her. Her mom wasn't my patient. I wasn't charge. But I still cared. That's why people bring us gifts, and yes, I will accept.

The most difficult for me to see is a man that I cared for his wife in the ER. He's an employee, environmental services. It's my only patient to die in the ER on me. The doctor wanted to send her home and I didn't know better at the time. The man went home to get ready for work, she coded and died while he was gone. He was never mad at me, never showed anger. Later he told me she said she was going to die. But I see him every week, he says hello, and I still feel guilty. But I did learn, I know a lot more now and would never send someone home with those labs. I'm sorry bud.

Dare I Ask?

Things are not well in the church. Alas, I've been down this road before, and I don't want to do it again, EVER. At this time, I sit and wait and watch. I fear that those around me have assumed which "side" I'm on. I'm not on any side. I'm watching and waiting. At this time I have questions, but not what they think. I would like a copy of the constitution and by-laws, of the church and the whole organization. I would like to see the budget. You know, funny thing was I wanted this before I was aware there were problems. Why??? Why not? Mostly because I am curious. I've heard a lot of stuff about the denomination that I'm in and didn't find the answers on the website. They would probably think so I can raise questions, spread unrest. Nah, I really don't want to cause any judgement my way. I ask questions all the time. I just want to know the rules. I haven't asked for them, which sounds silly, but in a way I'm afraid to, some might think I'm up to something. Don't assume things about me. I actually was more concerned with the structure of the overall organization.

Then there are the people. I really like the people at this church. However, in the many years that we have been attending, none have really invited us into their homes. Many knew that I stuggled with my faith, and yet said nothing. It's okay, yet I do remember. I'm hesitatant to throw my heart out there to anyone these days. There is one, a new one in the church, I've reached out to, yet since she has become aware that I knew about the problems, I've heard nothing from her. Friends, or was I mistaken. Am I misreading, I don't know. And the bad thing is, the people we've always been friends with are the ones that are leaving.

In some ways this reminds me of some things at work. I am considered part of Adminsitration (a very very minor part - you know, if it goes wrong I can be blamed, but not much on the getting credit for good things). At work I get told things I'm not supposed to know by some, so I get to hold that in. I have the hospital logo stamped upon my forehead. Yet I love this hospital, even with all the things I see that are wrong. Would it be better somewhere else, I doubt it. I see a place that I can function well, where I am overall respected and known. But some days I feel like I must spout the "party line" and hold back my true feelings.

For now, I'll buy the new shoes to wear with the dress and go to church. I'll go and I'll wait and watch and I have a great supply of Maalox (probably should buy stock in the company).
And since the one thing I know is that God isn't letting me get super comfortable (note previous post regarding Sunday School, Diet Dr. Pepper and heathen children), also a lack of brain cells to remember who these people are, I fear that God is very interested in keeping me humble. I verbalized today to a friend that I may work more Sundays now, I can pick up some hours. I don't know. Why can't church be just about worship? I sat today at the piano and had some worship time. Christmas is here, my focus will be on the right thing then. My faith is returning, maybe I need to realize a) it's not my church, it's His b) He can take care of His church and c) my focus should be on Him, not anything else. Somedays it's hard to let go, but I must set it free. I'm not looking to leave or anything, just need to let God do in His church what He wants. It's a group of frail humans, not the total expression of who He is (although it should be).

So yes I'm angry. I don't want people assuming anything about me. I have questions, but give me credit. If you are worried about me, ask!!!! It does frustrate me that I've heard "I've worried about you with the past you've had." yet where was the phone call???I'm not so frail that I can't handle reality. Good Grief! You admire the depth my children have and you surely know that some of that comes from home. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Gripe Gripe Gripe

And the children of Israel, in the desert complained to God constantly regarding manna - we want meat!!!! So they had meat until they were sick.

The nurses complain, we don't want too many patients, yet they complain when the census is down, we want overtime. I found myself not speaking yesterday to one that I trained because he complained after he called and requested to come in and work that *gasp* we gave him patients. And later in the day, he got mad because the charge nurses let someone else go home. I don't get it.

According to the song by Keith Green, God got so mad "he even took our junk"..... the nurse got mad, left campus to smoke and was in a car wreck...... no I'm not glad about that. Just observant.

Today I work with him, I'm still mad, but I suspect I must forgive him lest I fall into error. GRRRRR But I will really try to watch my complaining...... how does my boss do it?

The Book Challenge

I saw this on Fat Doctor and thought it would be fun. Actually wasn't sure what the closest book would be. Turns out, Janet Evanovich Twelve Sharp. Which will now be placed in my backpack to take to a friend.

Here are the rules:1. Grab the nearest book.2. Open the book to page 123.3. Find the fifth sentence.4. Post the text of the next four sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest!

"I don't know where he's originally from," Lorraine said. "He was working as a security guard at Potomac Mills Mall when she met him. He told her it was only a temporary job until his business took off." "What business was that?" "He was a bounty bunter. Carmen thought that was real cool."

Ah Janet, better to have a shower scene with Ranger (do you hear my heart go pitter patter) but the story is coming right back. For those in the know, Ranger or Joe????? Myself, Ranger all the way.

The other books were things I haven't put up from lazyness or whatever Vince Flynn "Consent to Kill", "Vocabulary Cartoons" to help 16 year old's vocab, " Lab and Diagnostic Tests, and Pass CCRN (for those that are ADD, BORING). Okay, that was fun! Come on Chaplain the Kid, what was close to you????

Too Much of a Good Thing

Chocolate, nah, never too much. Family, some times they are too much with us. But today, its too much colour. Okay, I've been using the same guy for my hair for 16 years. He knows the rules about my hair: must be able to twirl it when stressed and must be able to tuck it behind my ears. Next rule will be, no shocking changes. Ever! The plan was to go a little darker (it's been kinda strawberry blonde which was a struggle for me, I still prefer brown, but got lots of compliments about the colour) and do some highlights. Well, it's like red. Not fire engine, but more red than I was ready for. I go back to work tomorrow, I'm not ready for this. He forgot about the highlights, which would have helped. *cough, cough*

I'm not charge tomorrow, which is fine. However one of the guys will be there that I'm already tense around. He hates me, actually I'm not sure about that, it would require him giving me credience to be alive, not sure he goes that far. Then one of my best friends, who will tell me the truth - which will help me know if I need to call my guy and see what we can do. *cough, cough* Then maybe Chaplian the Kid will pray for me, I really need it (the world is too much with me today). sigh *cough, cough*

The plan - false bravado....... wait, that's what I do on Sunday to face church. UGH, no relief. I'm thinking the monastary Laughing Pastor mentions would do me good, well, maybe a convent would be better, given my anatomy. Suck it up, suck it in. Life goes on. At least I HAVE hair and that's more than some can say. So my friend, you're up, and I know you know who you are.... oh mouthy one!!!!