Babies

Some days things make sense, most days it doesn't. My work is so important to me, in some ways I've found that yes, it does define who I am. But some days I find that it leaves me without answers.

In the last two weeks there have been several young mothers die in our hospital. Two were in our unit, one as I was taking care of her. Then another died in another area. There were also several that got into trouble with their pregnancies but were able to resolve those issues.

Our hospital is large, and we are one of the best in the area. These deaths are not because they weren't getting good care, but because situationally these women were probably the "one in x number" that stuff happens to. This sentence sounds so flat though when you see it.

We are left with families that now have a baby with no momma. I didn't know all the dynamics to all the cases for the families and from my standpoint that's probablly a good thing. My imagination can fill in the blanks on that. I'm just dumbfounded that so much has happened.

Yes, I'm used to patients dying, it happens often. But they are usually people that have lived into their 60's or more. Now that I'm in my late 40's that doesn't sound old, but it's older than these women. It's different, and I'm not the only one that is having trouble with this. I find myself thinking about it a lot, what could we have done? Why did such normal illness go so bad in the pregnancy? Why ...fill in the blank? So what about the rest of the staff, is it just me? But I know it's not. We still talk about it. They feel the same thing.

Yesterday I skipped church, went to the nursery. I just wanted to be with babies. There were only two there, and I didn't get to fill my need totally, but I did have some relief. I need to cry. I recognize that need, but I have trained myself to not cry easily. One small tear ecked out with the baby, but someone came in and that stopped it. My fear, it will happen and I won't be able to control it. I will go off when I'm tired or mad and then it will come out and not be healing.

I was in nursing school when my dad died. One day in peds I was assigned a baby that was intolerate of food and his mother had returned to their home to care for other kids. The instructor wanted someone who would just hold and rock the baby. It was for both of us a good day. The only time I sat that baby down was for diaper changes. My instructor was a wise woman, she had clued me in before the others so I could get that assignment. Thanks!!

Babies are healing..... God gave them to us for hope. Hope for ourselves, hope for man, hope for the future. They smell good, and they respond to us. They are cute, cuddly and they need us. Touching them makes people smile. Holding them filles our hearts. And where is one when I need it.......