The Patient

Funny, he came in today, I don't know these people, but for some reason when the wife was giving the history to the doc something clicked in my brain. Now I've been doing this for several years and there's always some level that you connect with folks, but this was different.

Prior to the doc going in the room he told me there was only one thing more they could really do for this man. That would be to place a pacemaker in his heart. But basically that was it. The wife began telling the doc that only the top part of his heart worked, the back and the bottom were damaged severly in an earlier heart attack. He was being admitted because he was having V-tach (not a good sign for those that have no clue what I'm talking about - the pacer can shock him out of it).

So what, this happens all the time. I guess that's my point. It was almost like I could see me or my spouse or someone I love standing there matter of factly stating the facts. And the doc replied in kind. He was quite and gentle, but responded as she had with the facts. The facts in this case were basically "this is it, all we can do."

Why does it bother me? I don't know. Maybe it's two young ones that died, maybe it's the ones that "almost came to the unit" (a pediactric code today, a young mother - about a week after having her baby - that died, the ones I read about), maybe it's years of death, I don't know. Am I over the recent deaths, I would have to say no. What can make it better....... I don't know. I've talked until I'm sick of talking. I'm frustrated. Why did they die? Or maybe it was that I thought the one was going to make it and she didn't. Or maybe it's the fear that this man will code on me before we get the pacer and I will be inadequate to stop it. I think that may be it..... fear of being inadequate. I know I'm not in control, as I often say, these forces were in play long before we come onto the scence. Just as I am setting myself up for my health in 20 years, so were they. IT's that element of surprise - boom!! you're dead, hope I can save you! that is beginning to get to me now and then. Will I give the right drug, do the compressions right, etc that I wonder about. Will I see the signs before they code???? So much to do.

Sorry, this is way too long. This may be too much truth.