I'm not sure why I'm telling this on myself, except that it's funny and I basically have lost so much pride anyway, why not. This returning to church thing has been very stressful for me. I don't know why, just learning all the names, when so many know me and my family. But I've really thrown myself into it: Sunday School party, lunch with the SS ladies, Pampered Chef parites, etc. I even bought two new dresses to wear - this is huge. So on a previous Sunday I wore one of the new dresses, what I forgot to do (and still haven't done) is bought shoes and knee-high hose. That morning as I was frantically trying to get ready and discovered what I had forgot, I thought ah, I can find some around here, and I was successful. However, one had a small runner (who's going to be looking at my legs anyway) and another not really matching one that the elastic at the top wasn't strong. It's two hours, how bad could this be???
On the way to church I bought a coke (16oz) to drink in Sunday School. When I got in the class one of the nice ladies that I really like talked to me for a few minutes, then said, "oh look, your hose fell down." Of course, the adreniline kicked in, I grabbed it and RIP! Great, but I'm thinking, I'll just slip into the bathroom after SS, turn the tear to the inside, no one will see and I'll need to pee before church anyway."
Well, SS ends, nice lesson..... and off I race to the bathroom. Oh, did I forget to mention the shoes I'm wearing fly off my feet with the hose, every other step I'm having to put them back on. Down the stairs, almost there, one more corner....... WHAM!!!! some little heathen child runs around the corner and nails me, bladder level...... I've had three rather large children, I'm fortyish, uh, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM........ after I pick myself up off the floor, I retreat to the bathroom (that I no longer need to use now). I frantically decide that if I hurry I can find spouse, run home, change and make it back before anyone is the wiser. However, at our church the designers made it so that you pretty much have to walk from the front of the sanctuary to get to the back where spouse is. In the course of doing that sooooooo many people were sooooo friendly, I'm still hearing about how "not your self" I was. Well, after getting to the house, I just couldn't bring myself to return. (Yes, I'm late for church because I have this little problem......)
I suspect I will have the repair done sooner after this. I just hate the thought of being a patient. That brings up all new issues, and I've not been so trusting lately.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Add - How to Survive Church
I have recently discovered that I'm ADD. I figure we didn't know because when I was growing up we didn't test kids for it, they were just discipled into stillness or some version of stillness. I'm not that bad, the only time that it would have been really helpful was in nursing school.
Church now is the biggest problem. I have the attention span of a gnat and I don't learn as well listening anyway. Hence I need to do something to keep busy. Today I sat next to a kid, figure he's twelvish. He too struggles, he looked at my watch, played with my ring, had a small chain that he ran in and out of the communion cup holder (I hope his mom doesn't bust him for that one - but she was tied up with the snoring smaller child - ps, it was cute). So herein is the question - how do we survive church when we don't want to be a distraction. In my previous life I played on the worship team and had worked out some of the wiggle before I had to sit still. Now I am forced to sing (I pity those around me) and think of how I would play that particular song. Obviously I have a problem. I want input - but here is a starter list.
1. Take notes (too much like school for me)
2. Draw pictures - the problem here is that my best thing is nudes and I'm not sure that would be appropriate for church
3. Compare feet - sounds weird, but maybe I could draw them......
4. Play with roseary beads - again a problem, I'm a Baptist, do I have to say Hail Mary's with them????
5. Pick dirt out of watch
6. Play with ring - it has diamonds, they are very pretty in the lights. At our church the lights are similar to trauma lights. You ask, how do I know what the trauma lights make my ring look, shouldn't I be paying attention to the trauma. Have I mentioned the attention span of a GNAT???
7. Play with pen - however clicking noises are bad. If you take the pen apart you can play with the spring, but the downside is that if you lose the spring..... well, the old ladies might not appreciate it.....
8. Make comments about the sermon - downside, well, the pastors wife might read this blog and think I don't like the sermon. Pastor is actually good teacher, have I mentioned attention span of a gnat???
9. Play with hair, however gives appearance that I'm not interested. Bad example to kid.
10. Tourniquets - good bookmark, good toy. May be rolled up in interesting ways, make knots, pop kid next to me.
So, feel free to help out here. I love comments, I suspect that the whole two people that read this choke back their thoughts. Oh, go for it. I'm really not that sensitive.
Church now is the biggest problem. I have the attention span of a gnat and I don't learn as well listening anyway. Hence I need to do something to keep busy. Today I sat next to a kid, figure he's twelvish. He too struggles, he looked at my watch, played with my ring, had a small chain that he ran in and out of the communion cup holder (I hope his mom doesn't bust him for that one - but she was tied up with the snoring smaller child - ps, it was cute). So herein is the question - how do we survive church when we don't want to be a distraction. In my previous life I played on the worship team and had worked out some of the wiggle before I had to sit still. Now I am forced to sing (I pity those around me) and think of how I would play that particular song. Obviously I have a problem. I want input - but here is a starter list.
1. Take notes (too much like school for me)
2. Draw pictures - the problem here is that my best thing is nudes and I'm not sure that would be appropriate for church
3. Compare feet - sounds weird, but maybe I could draw them......
4. Play with roseary beads - again a problem, I'm a Baptist, do I have to say Hail Mary's with them????
5. Pick dirt out of watch
6. Play with ring - it has diamonds, they are very pretty in the lights. At our church the lights are similar to trauma lights. You ask, how do I know what the trauma lights make my ring look, shouldn't I be paying attention to the trauma. Have I mentioned the attention span of a GNAT???
7. Play with pen - however clicking noises are bad. If you take the pen apart you can play with the spring, but the downside is that if you lose the spring..... well, the old ladies might not appreciate it.....
8. Make comments about the sermon - downside, well, the pastors wife might read this blog and think I don't like the sermon. Pastor is actually good teacher, have I mentioned attention span of a gnat???
9. Play with hair, however gives appearance that I'm not interested. Bad example to kid.
10. Tourniquets - good bookmark, good toy. May be rolled up in interesting ways, make knots, pop kid next to me.
So, feel free to help out here. I love comments, I suspect that the whole two people that read this choke back their thoughts. Oh, go for it. I'm really not that sensitive.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Oops
I forgot to mention the outcome. We intubated the pt (it wasn't easy), got 900 mls out while suctioning, placed the NGT - got another 1800 out - and extubated later in the day. We suspect there is a blockage. This lady is not done with us yet. I just hope the daughter gets the support she needs.
Sad Stories Are Everywhere
The unit had it tough today, four nurses were tripled up, a busy day all about. In one of my last blogs I mentioned patients sucking the life out of me, I had no clue what today would hold.
Yesterday I got involved in someone else's pt family, reassuring them that she was making some good decisions, trying to make a connection. Today we were going to do a procedure and needed her consent. She didn't want to do it, as strange as it sounds, we had to do an EGD to get an NG tube down - there had been some nasty aspiration and no one could place it, including doing it under fluro. I sat down with the pt's daughter to try listen to her, see what I could say that would help her. She began to talk about she just couldn't lose her mother, she still wasn't over when her son died. Soon it was all out - seven years ago her son had been murdered in the commission of a robbery. The man robbing him at a business, an inside job, wanted to know what it would feel like to kill someone. Her son had willingly given the money but it just wasn't enough. He died alone on the floor. She also saw on the news him being removed from the scene in a body bad. He was married and had a baby.
It's tempting to ask whether you have other children, but no other child takes the place of one lost. You might ask if you are in therapy, but I'm sure she has been. They have told her she has Post Traumatic Stress and I believe it. All I could do was cry. So I listened and cried and thought of my children and those of my friends. I truely can't imagine. I silently prayed for her, for there is none on earth that can heal those wounds. And we called Chaplain the Kid to come and be with her. I was spent in only a few minutes.
So the day began, that was the first thing after charge report. I stayed behind and was an hour late leaving tonight. My nurses were stressed, I was stressed. At least tomorrow I won't be charge, but I suspect that I will have to be tripled with new pt's. I can't fuss, I'm one of the strong ones. But I'm so thankful that I've not walked the road many of those around me have been placed on. So now to refresh my soul for a few moments until I pass out from exhaustion.
FD - how can you do 19 days??? I stuggle for more than three at a time.
Yesterday I got involved in someone else's pt family, reassuring them that she was making some good decisions, trying to make a connection. Today we were going to do a procedure and needed her consent. She didn't want to do it, as strange as it sounds, we had to do an EGD to get an NG tube down - there had been some nasty aspiration and no one could place it, including doing it under fluro. I sat down with the pt's daughter to try listen to her, see what I could say that would help her. She began to talk about she just couldn't lose her mother, she still wasn't over when her son died. Soon it was all out - seven years ago her son had been murdered in the commission of a robbery. The man robbing him at a business, an inside job, wanted to know what it would feel like to kill someone. Her son had willingly given the money but it just wasn't enough. He died alone on the floor. She also saw on the news him being removed from the scene in a body bad. He was married and had a baby.
It's tempting to ask whether you have other children, but no other child takes the place of one lost. You might ask if you are in therapy, but I'm sure she has been. They have told her she has Post Traumatic Stress and I believe it. All I could do was cry. So I listened and cried and thought of my children and those of my friends. I truely can't imagine. I silently prayed for her, for there is none on earth that can heal those wounds. And we called Chaplain the Kid to come and be with her. I was spent in only a few minutes.
So the day began, that was the first thing after charge report. I stayed behind and was an hour late leaving tonight. My nurses were stressed, I was stressed. At least tomorrow I won't be charge, but I suspect that I will have to be tripled with new pt's. I can't fuss, I'm one of the strong ones. But I'm so thankful that I've not walked the road many of those around me have been placed on. So now to refresh my soul for a few moments until I pass out from exhaustion.
FD - how can you do 19 days??? I stuggle for more than three at a time.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
OH NO!!!
It was a simple task, call the church, see if #3 son was on the list for the activity. How hard could it be??? So I dialed the number from memory 555-5555..... it rang several times then came the voice...... at first I thought, why is the youth director doing the voice message? Then I heard what was being said, "You have reached The Gathering... formerly known as blah, blah, blah" The HORROR!!! It was the old church, the ones we left with barely our minds intact, the ones that sent me into Egypt..... ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!!!! My mind screamed like fire was striking me, I almost dropped the phone, THE HORROR!!!! I can't describe why it was so bad, but trust me, this was bad. Then there's the thought about caller ID, what if they notice I called, will they call me????? Panic, Panic!!
I need a bunny, a kitten, maybe several bunnies....... *shudder* I'd take a stiff drink but I'm supposed to go to church tonight and I'm not thinking they would understand. Besides, I don't have any. Wait, chocolate, its the answer...... I suspect some would say I should pray or meditate or something, but trust me, chocolate. :) (hunting in backpack, there's usually chocolate there as well....) Be quiet my mind.....
I need a bunny, a kitten, maybe several bunnies....... *shudder* I'd take a stiff drink but I'm supposed to go to church tonight and I'm not thinking they would understand. Besides, I don't have any. Wait, chocolate, its the answer...... I suspect some would say I should pray or meditate or something, but trust me, chocolate. :) (hunting in backpack, there's usually chocolate there as well....) Be quiet my mind.....
Refreshment
My spirit is weary. Things that happened before are happening again and I'm tired. Yet tomorrow I go back to work where I will have patients that will suck my soul out. Today is my day where for a few hours I'm alone (well, with the laundry, dogs, cleaning, etc). Typically I put on the iPod and sing myself sore and clean until children come home and complain - yeah, the froglike sound gets on their nerves - I figure my house....... So today I'm wanting to refresh and reload and I hear Charlie Hall "Come for Me" then "All Creatures of Our God and King" by David Crowder. These are wonderful songs but better when the border collie throws you the football to play it just seemed right. So while I whine and hear "Jesus I'll patiently wait" the BC wasn't so patient. And play does refresh us, she knows better than I. Who knows, maybe God hasn't abandoned me after all. Now I must go toss a football.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Bunnies and Kittens
While just sitting here reading Chaplain the Kids blog from some time ago I came across this quote: "The unity with which we were created can be seen in the way that anger triggers high blood pressure, and in the way that prayer and petting a bunny can lower it."
Isn't that cool? I love quotes. I don't quote often but I love reading them. I also collect cartoon books, currently I suspect the writer of Zits must be peering into my house. Well, actually the house in the cartoon is far cleaner than mine, I lose that battle daily.
Can I pick a favorite quote, no. But one that often comes to mind is from the great philosopher Jethro Tull: "He who made kittens put snakes in the grass." Why that one? I don't know, past history, current people in my life that I'm afraid to hug lest I give them a better target for the knife. Yes I've commented before about Southern culture but I dare say I would rather just avoid certain situations. As was said in Fiddler on the Roof, "God bless the Tzar and keep him far away." So I say about those that would do me and mine harm, whether intentional or not.
Methinks I need a bunny, and maybe some more Maalox..... Actually I do carry a bottle of Maalox in my backpack, along with a book or two, articles I need to read, spare undies (don't ask), stetoscope, batteries (not sure why, I think I forgot to get them out), scissors, hemostats, tons of paper stuff, should I dig deeper, nah, God only knows what I would find (maybe a bunny.....)
Isn't that cool? I love quotes. I don't quote often but I love reading them. I also collect cartoon books, currently I suspect the writer of Zits must be peering into my house. Well, actually the house in the cartoon is far cleaner than mine, I lose that battle daily.
Can I pick a favorite quote, no. But one that often comes to mind is from the great philosopher Jethro Tull: "He who made kittens put snakes in the grass." Why that one? I don't know, past history, current people in my life that I'm afraid to hug lest I give them a better target for the knife. Yes I've commented before about Southern culture but I dare say I would rather just avoid certain situations. As was said in Fiddler on the Roof, "God bless the Tzar and keep him far away." So I say about those that would do me and mine harm, whether intentional or not.
Methinks I need a bunny, and maybe some more Maalox..... Actually I do carry a bottle of Maalox in my backpack, along with a book or two, articles I need to read, spare undies (don't ask), stetoscope, batteries (not sure why, I think I forgot to get them out), scissors, hemostats, tons of paper stuff, should I dig deeper, nah, God only knows what I would find (maybe a bunny.....)
Monday, October 23, 2006
When It Works
One of the neat things about my job is when you get a patient in and they are in distress and you do "your thing" and they get better. Twice this weekend I got to do it. Got a lady who was going to get bronched and when they hooked her up to the monitors she was in uncontrolled atrial fib. For you non medical folks, this wouldn't always be bad, but her heart rate was 150 and this was new (this is one of the things that can cause those nasty blood clots you hear about). I tossed her in the bed (okay, placed nicely), called the doc, and started her amiodarone bolus. It was so cool, she converted with the bolus, I placed her on the drip and then discovered SHE'S A GROUCH!!! Oh well, it worked.
The next day my patient that was on cardizem already went into uncontrolled a-fib, same thing, only he didn't respond so nicely. He dropped his pressure, got diaphoretic, looked like crap and stuff like that. The fun part was, I had to think, do, and call the doc. Actually he had also developed chest pain but we had to figure out was it cardiac or was it from the surgery he had (we suspect now that he was developing pluersy). I did my thing, the family was all worried, but at the end when we were all better they were so happy with us. I never got "scared" I knew what to do, and it was all good. Some days I don't know what to do, it's just nice when I actually do know. The goal is to get where I know more and can respond faster.
I'm so far from where I want to be in my knowledge base, but I'm excited because I see improvement. When I work with these new grads and they think I'm so smart, I tell them that I'm not, I've just seen some of this before. I still think if my boss knew how dumb I really am, she would ditch me. But four years ago I was new, in four more years I'll think about how little I know now. Learning and growing......
The next day my patient that was on cardizem already went into uncontrolled a-fib, same thing, only he didn't respond so nicely. He dropped his pressure, got diaphoretic, looked like crap and stuff like that. The fun part was, I had to think, do, and call the doc. Actually he had also developed chest pain but we had to figure out was it cardiac or was it from the surgery he had (we suspect now that he was developing pluersy). I did my thing, the family was all worried, but at the end when we were all better they were so happy with us. I never got "scared" I knew what to do, and it was all good. Some days I don't know what to do, it's just nice when I actually do know. The goal is to get where I know more and can respond faster.
I'm so far from where I want to be in my knowledge base, but I'm excited because I see improvement. When I work with these new grads and they think I'm so smart, I tell them that I'm not, I've just seen some of this before. I still think if my boss knew how dumb I really am, she would ditch me. But four years ago I was new, in four more years I'll think about how little I know now. Learning and growing......
Friday, October 20, 2006
Rough Day
Our patient / nurse ratio is usually 2:1, today I had 4 nurses that were 3:1. While I know that a lot of RN's have a tougher patient load, this is critical care. Two of the nurses that were tripled had patients die, both of these were expected deaths but we have bonded with the families. One I have previously written about, well known in the community, family man and I suspect not very religious. The other was an older lady but she was obviously well loved by her family. It plays on your emotions. Tonight I am very tired and drained. I do know what the families are going through, my dad died in our unit several years ago before I while I was in nursing school. Do I feel their pain, yes and no. Yes I understand and I can pull those emotions out of me. I often share with families my experience to help them make decisions. But yet, I don't know this person like they do, and yet often I get very attached to the family and I have to believe that they were special because I see the product of their love.
Then today and yesterday both I had to confront a staff member about unacceptable behaviour. I can't describe how difficult that is for me. Different situations both times, but yet it had to be done. In one case it was disrespect shown to me, and while in some ways I don't care I respresent authority in the unit and I am considered part of administration. In the other, a nurse refused his assignment and that had to be dealt with. So basically, they were they same thing but voiced differently. I would have preferred today to just take the new patient and let it go, but I can't always do that. And to recognize that the problem is deeper than just one patient. This time it would have been easy to fix, but the next time it could mean whether or not someone lives or dies. And actually I did take the patient, I did hang the meds that fixed the problem and I did relieve the stress, but he said no when no was not an acceptable answer.
I love my job. I love getting a new patient and being able to do something that makes a difference. It's sweet!!! Nursing is the coolest job you can have. And they pay me for this!!!!! Hopefully tomorrow when I'm on my third day I'll remember this last paragraph and not focus on the one before. That being said, I'm off to bed.
Then today and yesterday both I had to confront a staff member about unacceptable behaviour. I can't describe how difficult that is for me. Different situations both times, but yet it had to be done. In one case it was disrespect shown to me, and while in some ways I don't care I respresent authority in the unit and I am considered part of administration. In the other, a nurse refused his assignment and that had to be dealt with. So basically, they were they same thing but voiced differently. I would have preferred today to just take the new patient and let it go, but I can't always do that. And to recognize that the problem is deeper than just one patient. This time it would have been easy to fix, but the next time it could mean whether or not someone lives or dies. And actually I did take the patient, I did hang the meds that fixed the problem and I did relieve the stress, but he said no when no was not an acceptable answer.
I love my job. I love getting a new patient and being able to do something that makes a difference. It's sweet!!! Nursing is the coolest job you can have. And they pay me for this!!!!! Hopefully tomorrow when I'm on my third day I'll remember this last paragraph and not focus on the one before. That being said, I'm off to bed.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Chaplain the Kid
We have this chaplain, he's 25, married with a young baby. We all adore him, he's been a good sport with all of us and has amazed us with his wisdom and insight. It's been wonderful to watch how the families all seem to take to him. It took me off guard because of his youth I would have thought that the older ones wouldn't relate to him, but overall they really respond to his care.
Today he came into the unit supervisors office and she called him "chaplain the kid". You know, it suits him. He has until August of next year to put up with this. Poor guy, all that education and this is how he will be known. *giggle*
So what makes someone become a chaplain in the hospital. Some of ours are really good, some I regret calling when they show. We have one that covers ER a lot, I'm not sure if the disasters are full moon related or because he's on call. However, he does well with the families. Actually he was with me when my dad died. One that showed up over the weekend was soooooo bad, the family member asked if he did this all the time or just throw on his clothes and come in off the street that night. She's not been so responsive to the rest of the chaplains after that. The head of the program has displayed tremendous wisdom in some tricky situations - and is part of our ethics team. At some point I would really like to get involved with that group - I'm sure there is much to learn and grow there.
But most of all I watch them shepherd the flock: patients, nurses, families. Some of them realize that special relationship, others are clueless to the opportunity that abounds there. I know for myself, there are times when I realize I'm closer to "chaplain the kid" than I am to many in the church, and I definately trust him more than most. But then, he wades into the heart of the matter with me, while others discuss the theory. So heres to you, Chaplain the Kid, may your paths be blessed.
Today he came into the unit supervisors office and she called him "chaplain the kid". You know, it suits him. He has until August of next year to put up with this. Poor guy, all that education and this is how he will be known. *giggle*
So what makes someone become a chaplain in the hospital. Some of ours are really good, some I regret calling when they show. We have one that covers ER a lot, I'm not sure if the disasters are full moon related or because he's on call. However, he does well with the families. Actually he was with me when my dad died. One that showed up over the weekend was soooooo bad, the family member asked if he did this all the time or just throw on his clothes and come in off the street that night. She's not been so responsive to the rest of the chaplains after that. The head of the program has displayed tremendous wisdom in some tricky situations - and is part of our ethics team. At some point I would really like to get involved with that group - I'm sure there is much to learn and grow there.
But most of all I watch them shepherd the flock: patients, nurses, families. Some of them realize that special relationship, others are clueless to the opportunity that abounds there. I know for myself, there are times when I realize I'm closer to "chaplain the kid" than I am to many in the church, and I definately trust him more than most. But then, he wades into the heart of the matter with me, while others discuss the theory. So heres to you, Chaplain the Kid, may your paths be blessed.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Follow Up
Yesterday I went to see the man in the hospital I previously wrote about. He got his birthday present (his birthday would have been today) as I arrived. I think there was only a minute of real uncomfort for Jimmy, so he did go quickly. He is now with Jesus doing things we can't imagine. Isn't it wonderful, it's so far beyond our imagination! I would say, "I can't wait" but I can. I'm not in a rush, but neither am I afraid. There is much in my life that I have to believe will not be seen by Jesus when he looks at me, because He knows and has forgiven me. But there is much He has done in my life that makes me know that I'm a product of Him and have nothing to fear.
So what do we think Heaven will be? For me, I joke that Ben and Jerry's will be unlimited..... but maybe there's better than B & J? Can I finally play the piano better than now, like no wrong notes?? Could I finally sing?? Will my worship be unhindered by my frail mind? Will I finally understand why?? You ask why what? I say why anything. Why did all that crap happen in the church? Why are people mean? Why couldn't I have been wealthy? Why does B & J make me fat? Why almost anything in history? I'll be able to do math, on the downside, I won't care!!!! Why does the one kid I have that likes to read have to be dyslexic? My mind is spinning with the thoughts. Wow, now I have something to think about while I dwell on another issue, why can't I have someone clean my house, I need house fairys..... now I just have "those people that live in my house that leave their crap all about".
For now, I'll take my imperfect voice, my iPod, and clean the house. Then I'll take my fingers and play for awhile on the piano and worship the one that gave me the sense to wonder. So how's your day?
So what do we think Heaven will be? For me, I joke that Ben and Jerry's will be unlimited..... but maybe there's better than B & J? Can I finally play the piano better than now, like no wrong notes?? Could I finally sing?? Will my worship be unhindered by my frail mind? Will I finally understand why?? You ask why what? I say why anything. Why did all that crap happen in the church? Why are people mean? Why couldn't I have been wealthy? Why does B & J make me fat? Why almost anything in history? I'll be able to do math, on the downside, I won't care!!!! Why does the one kid I have that likes to read have to be dyslexic? My mind is spinning with the thoughts. Wow, now I have something to think about while I dwell on another issue, why can't I have someone clean my house, I need house fairys..... now I just have "those people that live in my house that leave their crap all about".
For now, I'll take my imperfect voice, my iPod, and clean the house. Then I'll take my fingers and play for awhile on the piano and worship the one that gave me the sense to wonder. So how's your day?
Monday, October 16, 2006
My Hero
I've always been proud of my children, but I've never been able to say, "there goes my son the (football, basketball, soccer, academic) star." Today, the youngest made me so very proud to be his mother. There is a man in our church that is dying. He is in the hospital in one of the critical care units. I went to visit this morning and he asked to see my 16 year old son. They worked together at one time in the food pantry. Now granted, I work in the hospital but these children absolutely hate hospitals. It was tough when their grandparents were in to get them to go (and yes, I understand).
I was worried when I had to ask the child this morning to go, I figured he would argue or fuss, but all he said was okay. When we went, he spoke to the patient, shook hands with the son and behaved himself as an adult (maybe better). I wondered, did he really understand how bad the patient was, he's on a morphine pump, 50% venimask, 2 chest tubes, and air hungry, his hands were already purple coloured. Yet my son was very appropriate. Then we left. Then he cried. And cried. And I cried. And am still crying. I told him what a man he was for doing this, and I would have never asked him to do it had the man not asked for him by name. He wasn't asking for anyone else that I'm aware of, just this one.
We talked about smoking and the horrible effects it has on the body, the mans lungs are holes that can't hold the oxygen he breathes. We talked about mercy, and to pray that God would take him quickly, that we would probably put him into a medically induced coma to relieve his suffering. I wanted him to understand we don't condemn those that this happens to, we pray for mercy.
But most of all, I pray for my son's tender heart, that it would always be tender. His love for this man overcame his aversion to the surroundings. And I know our Father is watching this and is even more aware of what it took for the child to do this, and I know who put the love in his heart. "But as you do it to the least of these......"
I was worried when I had to ask the child this morning to go, I figured he would argue or fuss, but all he said was okay. When we went, he spoke to the patient, shook hands with the son and behaved himself as an adult (maybe better). I wondered, did he really understand how bad the patient was, he's on a morphine pump, 50% venimask, 2 chest tubes, and air hungry, his hands were already purple coloured. Yet my son was very appropriate. Then we left. Then he cried. And cried. And I cried. And am still crying. I told him what a man he was for doing this, and I would have never asked him to do it had the man not asked for him by name. He wasn't asking for anyone else that I'm aware of, just this one.
We talked about smoking and the horrible effects it has on the body, the mans lungs are holes that can't hold the oxygen he breathes. We talked about mercy, and to pray that God would take him quickly, that we would probably put him into a medically induced coma to relieve his suffering. I wanted him to understand we don't condemn those that this happens to, we pray for mercy.
But most of all, I pray for my son's tender heart, that it would always be tender. His love for this man overcame his aversion to the surroundings. And I know our Father is watching this and is even more aware of what it took for the child to do this, and I know who put the love in his heart. "But as you do it to the least of these......"
Saturday, October 14, 2006
I Love Haldol
Haldol is a wonderful drug. I had a bipolar / probably schizophenic patient that is on a balloon pump. Not the best combination. She totally didn't get that she could die because we had a balloon close to her heart. She really wanted to get up and leave. Little haldol, little ativan and she began to see things my way. I guess from her prospective I didn't have the goodies she was used to: cocaine, crack, and ETOH. But then, all things are better with chemistry...... I just have legal ones.
The other patient in the unit on a balloon pump was a man that is in his 50's, woke up this morning with chest pain and had a hugh MI. His wife had to do CPR and kids had to help. I'm not sure his outcome is going to be good, even though CPR was started quickly he was in V-fib awhile. Seems like I heard at least 10 shocks. This man is well known in the community and these kids are teenagers. So tragic, it hit me close to home, his wife appears to be about my age.
The irony is obvious......
The other patient in the unit on a balloon pump was a man that is in his 50's, woke up this morning with chest pain and had a hugh MI. His wife had to do CPR and kids had to help. I'm not sure his outcome is going to be good, even though CPR was started quickly he was in V-fib awhile. Seems like I heard at least 10 shocks. This man is well known in the community and these kids are teenagers. So tragic, it hit me close to home, his wife appears to be about my age.
The irony is obvious......
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
On Being Southern
I've grown up in the south and therefore know no other life. Recently I've met some friends that "aren't from here" that have made me evaluate certain parts of the southern culture. Overall, I find that there are things about us that are quite refreshing, most people will speak to you whether they know you or not, the genteel wave as cars pass, friendly comments in the elevator. Who can argue that these are good?
Then there is our tendancy to smile even though we hate you. According to one of my dear friends, I'm not very good at that one (seems I should stay away from the poker tables). While I will try not to be overtly rude, I just don't acknowledge you exist if I'm not fond of you (but then too, I may have just not seen you, and I'm sticking to that story). There are those that will wave and enquire into your health then turn and say to their companion, "I can't stand them." I find that disturbing to my energy level, why wave in the first place? Then I remember, we must never be rude.
So here is the question: is it better to be rude and true to your feelings or should you just go with the flow? Then we must bring in our Christianity. What would Jesus have us do.... oh wait, that would be love our enemies, scratch that, takes FAR to much work. Then we would have to pray for them and, well, we can't have that. (does this mean that I have to speak to that awful doc I really, really, really can't stand..... nah)
I like polite society. I can and have killed with kindness. If I've done well, you may never know that I would prefer you not be around. But then, I wonder, do the people I think like me because they like me or are they just being nice. You know, I don't care. I'm old enough now that I do know my friends, the others, well, they shall adapt. Honesty is a wonderful thing, but you have to be sure that people are ready for it. If you don't like me, I really don't want to know, it's a waste of my energy to dwell on it. I'll figure out you won't want to hang out with me eventually. I used to say just tell me, but not now. But ultimately what I believe is this: that as we do unto others it will be done to us. That means in this case, I'll not be rude or mean to you, maybe God will change my heart. It's happened before that some I thought I had no grace for became one that was able to help me in my walk. And if you're gracious with me, maybe God will help me to have a part in your life. Trust me on this though, you come up and slap me, I'm not going to be very receptive to anything that follows.
Now to clean house, I go back to the zoo tomorrow. Hopefully this time it will be them exposing me to stuff instead of the other way around. I almost feel human.
Then there is our tendancy to smile even though we hate you. According to one of my dear friends, I'm not very good at that one (seems I should stay away from the poker tables). While I will try not to be overtly rude, I just don't acknowledge you exist if I'm not fond of you (but then too, I may have just not seen you, and I'm sticking to that story). There are those that will wave and enquire into your health then turn and say to their companion, "I can't stand them." I find that disturbing to my energy level, why wave in the first place? Then I remember, we must never be rude.
So here is the question: is it better to be rude and true to your feelings or should you just go with the flow? Then we must bring in our Christianity. What would Jesus have us do.... oh wait, that would be love our enemies, scratch that, takes FAR to much work. Then we would have to pray for them and, well, we can't have that. (does this mean that I have to speak to that awful doc I really, really, really can't stand..... nah)
I like polite society. I can and have killed with kindness. If I've done well, you may never know that I would prefer you not be around. But then, I wonder, do the people I think like me because they like me or are they just being nice. You know, I don't care. I'm old enough now that I do know my friends, the others, well, they shall adapt. Honesty is a wonderful thing, but you have to be sure that people are ready for it. If you don't like me, I really don't want to know, it's a waste of my energy to dwell on it. I'll figure out you won't want to hang out with me eventually. I used to say just tell me, but not now. But ultimately what I believe is this: that as we do unto others it will be done to us. That means in this case, I'll not be rude or mean to you, maybe God will change my heart. It's happened before that some I thought I had no grace for became one that was able to help me in my walk. And if you're gracious with me, maybe God will help me to have a part in your life. Trust me on this though, you come up and slap me, I'm not going to be very receptive to anything that follows.
Now to clean house, I go back to the zoo tomorrow. Hopefully this time it will be them exposing me to stuff instead of the other way around. I almost feel human.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Visiting the Doctor
Yes, it was bad enough that I paid money to go see a doctor. I begged. It's not so much the snot now as the headache, it won't go away. And that includes when I'm not around the teenager, so it's not him. Seems the resident thinks I won't die, at least not today. Shot a chest X-Ray and did the look, listen, and feel. Surprise, URI. Well, still on the Levaquin, and hopefully by next week I will be better or I can come back.
I'm a terrible patient, if I had been the nurse I would have probably said, "why are you wasting my time?" but at the same time a week of antibiotics, celestone, and other goodies, surely I should be better. Oh well. This is why I don't like going to the doctor unless I'm sure I'm about to die.
Well, must trot off here and save the kitchen. There are dishes that are begging for attention and I really can't stand it any longer. One day I will make enough money to afford a house keeper. Until then.......
I'm a terrible patient, if I had been the nurse I would have probably said, "why are you wasting my time?" but at the same time a week of antibiotics, celestone, and other goodies, surely I should be better. Oh well. This is why I don't like going to the doctor unless I'm sure I'm about to die.
Well, must trot off here and save the kitchen. There are dishes that are begging for attention and I really can't stand it any longer. One day I will make enough money to afford a house keeper. Until then.......
Sunday, October 08, 2006
JOY UNSPEAKABLE
This sounds terrible, but FAT DOCTOR READ MY BLOG!!!!! Thank you oh great one!!! Actually I've really learned a lot from reading her site and feel like I'm part of another whole community. Sadly, this community is grieving the loss of a young MD named Glorified Midwife. I've recently read all that she had written and have been reminded yet again oh how much loss there is in this world. Her family should know that even though many of us have never met her, we appreciated the brightness and joy that was in her.
It amazes me still that even though I treat patients with this condition, PE, that she died from, I still went back to read about it. How does this strike someone so young and healthy? But then, the physical body amazes me.
And on that note, I'm amazed at how much snot and mucous my body is producing. My patients voted yesterday and decided that sending me home was better than taking a chance at catching what I have. Seems my sitting my the cardiac monitor and moaning was not comforting to them. Self medicating may have not been the brightest choice, my blood sugar is now elevated from the meds, but I can breathe somewhat better. I really thought I would be feeling better by now, this sucks. I'm tired of this, I can't imagine what real patients feel like. Tomorrow I have to educate the child, hopefully he will be somewhat compliant and helpful in the task. I'm thinking that if I'm trying to read to him like this it may not go so well. You know, read three words, pant, pant, pant, three more words..... Oh well, back to watching the monitor...... tv...... God help me if I hear a code in my sleep........
It amazes me still that even though I treat patients with this condition, PE, that she died from, I still went back to read about it. How does this strike someone so young and healthy? But then, the physical body amazes me.
And on that note, I'm amazed at how much snot and mucous my body is producing. My patients voted yesterday and decided that sending me home was better than taking a chance at catching what I have. Seems my sitting my the cardiac monitor and moaning was not comforting to them. Self medicating may have not been the brightest choice, my blood sugar is now elevated from the meds, but I can breathe somewhat better. I really thought I would be feeling better by now, this sucks. I'm tired of this, I can't imagine what real patients feel like. Tomorrow I have to educate the child, hopefully he will be somewhat compliant and helpful in the task. I'm thinking that if I'm trying to read to him like this it may not go so well. You know, read three words, pant, pant, pant, three more words..... Oh well, back to watching the monitor...... tv...... God help me if I hear a code in my sleep........
Friday, October 06, 2006
Less snot, more green stuff
Yeah, you wanted to hear this. I guess it's not a good sign when your co-workers are spraying you with disinfectant. I was banned from certain rooms, and sounded worse than several of the patients. And for once, my patients really didn't want me coming around them. Something about wanting to live. (and this from the ones that don't know I'm the angel of death). One code on the floor, I didn't think I could make it, sent someone else. CPR at 100 / minute wasn't about to happen. I would have walked in and suggested just calling it, no energy. Only slept one and half hours last night, think I'm going to call it early tonight and pray for sleep. Later.....
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Snot, Snot Everywhere a Snot
Went to Wednesday night church last night for the first time in forever on my long walk back from Egypt. In case I haven't mentioned this before, I'm still so thankful I was only there for 10 years, not forty like the original group God took by the hand. Anyway, one of the things I took away from this was about following Christ, you know, be like Him, et (this is not intended to be a Bible lesson, keep reading).
Last night I could hardly sleep, I very seldom get sick but one of the things that is common is this state (I still don't understand why people move here on purpose) is that the pollen comes out and turns everything yellow. Not kidding. My body reacts appropriately to this invasion and therefore I was filled with snot, my throat was horribly sore and I couldn't breathe and lay down. Makes for a crappy day of work. This morning, trying to take a more positive approach I emailed the pastors wife to pray for me. Okay, I don't do this often. My snot is usually just for me to whine about but I thought since I was the charge nurse in the ICU that I should have half a brain to function with (the patients certainly would hope so). I really need to learn to specify what needs prayer.
Okay, I get to work, playfully whine about how crappy I feel, grab a box of snotrags (kleenex by sandpaper), and *sneeze* get to work. My voice kept going out, I was popping cough drops like crazy and trying not to sneeze while needing to pee (a whole new topic). Mid morning I had a doctors appointment, snuck out of the unit and walked to it. BTW, there was weight loss, the endocrine doc was happy for once. Walking back to the hospital, well, not so good. Seems I can't walk in my new shoes and listen to the iPOD. The comment was later made that I was trying out for the new speed bump in the road. Both palms, one elbow and one knee were shredded. A few cars did stop to see if I was alive - or gaging the distance to the iPod and watch that flew off me. Of course, this gave all new topics for whining. Then I went to the ER to beg for a shot to dry this mess up with (yes, now my butt was asaulted). Thank you!!!! (It's not a good sign when your fantasies are for shots by the way!! and you really don't care who gives it or where - at that point I think I would have dropped my pants in the middle of the ER). The only thing really going my way today was that I had a student taking care of the patient and nobody coded on the floor. I can't imagine doing CPR with snot flowing on the patient. Anyway, I had a meeting late in the afternoon, the chaplain noticed my wounds and asked what happened. HE brought up, and I know I can't spell so I hope this is right, stigmata. So, DANA, what did you pray for??? was this to be like Christ, cause I think there was a far too literal interpretation applied!!!! Just kidding.
I hope this doesn't kill anyones image of healthcare, but truely the patients should be sicker than the nurses, which is why I get disgusted in the ER, many days I was sicker than those being treated. Long post, sorry, I thought it was funny, however, a lack of sleep and steroids do funny things to the mind. And tomorrow I'm charge again...... maybe you should pray for the patients.... And that I'll remember not to alcohol my hands when entering the rooms....
Last night I could hardly sleep, I very seldom get sick but one of the things that is common is this state (I still don't understand why people move here on purpose) is that the pollen comes out and turns everything yellow. Not kidding. My body reacts appropriately to this invasion and therefore I was filled with snot, my throat was horribly sore and I couldn't breathe and lay down. Makes for a crappy day of work. This morning, trying to take a more positive approach I emailed the pastors wife to pray for me. Okay, I don't do this often. My snot is usually just for me to whine about but I thought since I was the charge nurse in the ICU that I should have half a brain to function with (the patients certainly would hope so). I really need to learn to specify what needs prayer.
Okay, I get to work, playfully whine about how crappy I feel, grab a box of snotrags (kleenex by sandpaper), and *sneeze* get to work. My voice kept going out, I was popping cough drops like crazy and trying not to sneeze while needing to pee (a whole new topic). Mid morning I had a doctors appointment, snuck out of the unit and walked to it. BTW, there was weight loss, the endocrine doc was happy for once. Walking back to the hospital, well, not so good. Seems I can't walk in my new shoes and listen to the iPOD. The comment was later made that I was trying out for the new speed bump in the road. Both palms, one elbow and one knee were shredded. A few cars did stop to see if I was alive - or gaging the distance to the iPod and watch that flew off me. Of course, this gave all new topics for whining. Then I went to the ER to beg for a shot to dry this mess up with (yes, now my butt was asaulted). Thank you!!!! (It's not a good sign when your fantasies are for shots by the way!! and you really don't care who gives it or where - at that point I think I would have dropped my pants in the middle of the ER). The only thing really going my way today was that I had a student taking care of the patient and nobody coded on the floor. I can't imagine doing CPR with snot flowing on the patient. Anyway, I had a meeting late in the afternoon, the chaplain noticed my wounds and asked what happened. HE brought up, and I know I can't spell so I hope this is right, stigmata. So, DANA, what did you pray for??? was this to be like Christ, cause I think there was a far too literal interpretation applied!!!! Just kidding.
I hope this doesn't kill anyones image of healthcare, but truely the patients should be sicker than the nurses, which is why I get disgusted in the ER, many days I was sicker than those being treated. Long post, sorry, I thought it was funny, however, a lack of sleep and steroids do funny things to the mind. And tomorrow I'm charge again...... maybe you should pray for the patients.... And that I'll remember not to alcohol my hands when entering the rooms....
Monday, October 02, 2006
Friends - New and Old
I went shopping today with my spouse. I hate shopping, well, except for book shopping. But since I've decided to really start attending church I probably needed more than one thing to wear. Scrubs are wonderul and since my work requires me to wear the same colour scrubs all the time I don't have to shop much for those. Fortunately I look good in the colour they require me to wear, at least it wasn't some sick powder blue. There are many stores close to here, but I tend to favour Dillards. When they have stuff on sale, its a good sale. I found 2 dresses with jackets that will work well with my basic black pants as well. So, four outfits for about $100. Not bad.
Here's the friends part. I was so excited I went to a friends house to show them off. This is atypical behaviour for me. I think I'm finally throwing off some of the insecurity that has always plagued me. "They don't want me to drop by." or "They are just being nice." No, I finally think they actually like me. For anyone that actually knows me, they will find this somewhat surprising. My bravado is pretty much a sham. The evidence of that was the massive panic attack that occured one Sunday at church when one of the new staff members spoke to me. A simple "hello" sent me running! My reasoning was that learning all of these peoples names is very stressful. That, and of course the fact that I wore the same clothes all the time. So now to wear the clothes with my head up, quit getting lost in the church (it was sweet, a couple of the ladies have figured out that I really don't know my way around), and act like I belong. Honestly, if someone would just drop dead, I would KNOW what I was doing and feel useful, but I can't bring myself to ask for a volunteer, I like the old people the best. Enough for now.... thanks for the one of you that actually reads this, I do love the comments.
Here's the friends part. I was so excited I went to a friends house to show them off. This is atypical behaviour for me. I think I'm finally throwing off some of the insecurity that has always plagued me. "They don't want me to drop by." or "They are just being nice." No, I finally think they actually like me. For anyone that actually knows me, they will find this somewhat surprising. My bravado is pretty much a sham. The evidence of that was the massive panic attack that occured one Sunday at church when one of the new staff members spoke to me. A simple "hello" sent me running! My reasoning was that learning all of these peoples names is very stressful. That, and of course the fact that I wore the same clothes all the time. So now to wear the clothes with my head up, quit getting lost in the church (it was sweet, a couple of the ladies have figured out that I really don't know my way around), and act like I belong. Honestly, if someone would just drop dead, I would KNOW what I was doing and feel useful, but I can't bring myself to ask for a volunteer, I like the old people the best. Enough for now.... thanks for the one of you that actually reads this, I do love the comments.
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