Policy, Folicy

As previously stated, I'm leaving my current job. Because of my job position, I must give four weeks notice. Fine, no problem. I even volunteered to work through Christmas when I didn't have to. I just didn't feel right about leaving my co-workers in a jam.

There is one hitch though. They pay you for 1/2 your vacation/sick/off time that you have saved up. I need that money. But if you call in during the notice time you don't get it. I understand why that policy is in place, face it, many people would just go ahead and not work. However I rarely call in. It's been over a year since the last time. And I got sick. Sore throat, yucky pus pockets visible on my throat, snot everywhere. You would be amazed how much snot a grown woman can produce. The stuff was coming out of everywhere. Then there was the coughing, sneeezing, and sadly, yes peeing under pressure!!! It was a long two days..... one patient was healthy than I was, the other didn't care (intubated and sedated). The infectious disease guy was mumbling about using lots of alcohol wash after being around me. I thought they should have called in hazmat. I have the nicest co-workers..... the guy that came in and followed me finished up my work (at least he said he would) so I could go home. Methinks he did it to get me out so they could spray the area down. I didn't care..........

Books, Open or Otherwise

The sudden desire to change jobs has caused quite an uproar amonst my friends and has led to some interesting comments. Let me give you a touch of background first: you should know that I'm in my late 40's, have only been an RN for 5 years and this was a late decision. Prior to that I had stayed home with the kids, homeschooling and well, brainwashing them. Seems I was quite successful, they are all extremely conservative. But what many do not know is that from the time I was in the 2nd grade I wanted to be an elememtary school teacher. I was three years into the program when I stopped because I was fed up with the mindset of the education people. I am pro homebirth, homeschool, and parental control. I am strong about families and children having a two parent home (okay, we all know there are some that should be split up, and I know all about abusive stuff, I'm talking about in a perfect world with semiperfect families). I believe being a daddy is the most important role a man can have and that we should help make that possible. Oh, and if I could do anything in the world for a job, I would write and edit children's books. I love their literature and will need to refresh myself with "research" for the kids on the job. You also need to know (or could be TMI) that I wear Eeyore on my stetoscope, have Eeyore undies, have Eeyore as the screen saver on my phone, Eeyore went on vacation with me, I mean, Eeyore is ever with me. When I'm stressed Eeyore snuggles with me.

So what I'm hearing at work is (well, besides abandoning my friends): you don't even like kids, I can't see you with kids, you're going to hate it...... That's the jest of what is being said. I can understand the bets on how soon before I take a parent outside and smack them, I'm in that pool.

Which now brings me to my point: we really don't know most of our friends. We only know the part of them that is presented publically. Of course, no one really knows our hearts, or if they do, it's only a small part. I suppose none of my work friends knew my past well. My new church friends don't know either of these sides, and a few of my old friends know more, but they don't know my work self.

I know I only present certain parts, I don't think I could take the review or judgement for most anyone to know all of me. Then I also realize I don't see all of them either. You see them out with their kids and it's like, amazing to see how they are different. I enjoy that part of being friends, it's like peeling back the layers.

Here's the thing, I know it's hard to let go. There is one or two I really worried about. I'm not that good, but I am dependable. I love these people dearly, and I'm thinking this is similar to what we do for our kids (or so I hear, mine are still at home) in that we have to let them go and try their wings. I'm afraid, probably more so then my friends. It's scary to change. But I have the solid roots that they are part of. And I know the friends will remain friends. Love is the stuff that keeps us togehter.

Change is in the Air

I have spent the last five years in a job that I love. Maybe that's an understatement. One friend tells me (and he's a chaplain so he should know) that I have "work boundary issues." In a recent interview I stated as a strongpoint my "taking ownership" of all jobs I've worked. So it has been a huge surprise that I have announced my departure not only from my department, but also the company.

While I hope I'm not overstating my importance, I have overall been a good employee and have a wide net of aquintances thoughout the hospital. I worked in the ED while in nursing school for two years and met many people, then in my current job where I just extended the base of friendship. It was a very difficult decision to get to this place where I could leave. And I'm hoping that overall since I'm totally changing fields that it will not be seen as "abandoning" this place. I will say, overall, I would take my family there for care, and know that they will get good care.

So what happened? Where am I going? A little over a year ago it was planted in my brain about an AIDs orphange in South Africa that my son supports. I've heard of mission trips for years, even tossed about going, yet never did. I can do a lot of good by raising the funds to send those younger and in better health for that. But this stirred my heart. It's not a direct quote, but John Piper basically says that retirement isn't for us to sit around in, and that has hit a nerve. I told a friend last night, and she was like so you're going to South Africa? I don't know. What I know is that it put a desire to seek God about what should I do? Is there more to my life than just taking care of these adults?

Then came the catalyst. My beloved boss, friend, and co-worker (for she did that as well) had an opportunity that she couldn't say no to. Then she was trying to get me to go with her, and while I loved her for that, it was not something in my heart to do. But it made me consider, what do I want, where do I want to go from here? Now you must realize, I hardly ever search the want ads, throw aways all the offers to "come join our team", so I really didn't know what to do. A friend had just made the move to the ER at the local children's hospital and I began to consider that.

I applied to two jobs, one ER, one heart team. Now I love the heart, really love the heart. I could envision myself on the heart unit, but there was one huge obstacle. I would have to work weekend option and I don't want that. I applied to see how long, would it, could it work. But it would have taken a year to get off weekend option. I really, really wanted that job but it wasn't the time for that. The ER like hadn't called, so I asked while I was there. Seems I had applied for the wrong job. But we got that worked out and then they didn't call. I finally resolved to myself that I needed to make things right where I was, make sure my attitude was good and just continue until I felt God move. Then the ER called. Now, at work, on here I seem very confident, but in that first interview I was HORRIBLE. They offered me the job but not based on my personality. But when I interveiwed in the ED it was totally different. I hit it off with the lady, I was relaxed, she was able to see the real me and she still liked me. As a friend later said, It was right.

So now I have given my notice. There was some kind of glitch and I must NOW apply for the job. Normally I would freak out about that, but I'm okay. I have to give four weeks notice anyway. The plan is to start the new job in January. I'm now reviewing kidlet anatomy, diseases, and movies (must keep up with what interest them). I'm terrified, yet excited.

So ends this post and begins a new chapter.

Princess

Went to see Enchanged today. Took a princess with me. See, I've always had boys, grew up around boys, never around that many girls. So this was a real treat. She's 7, carries a purse, blanket and uses her thumb. It was awesome, the movie was good too.

I'm going to have to upgrade my mental abilities with little ones with the new job. I suspect I may need to borrow the princess again for movies, I mean, how can I relate to kidlets without seeing their movies and all things relavant to their lives? I'm excited! Frankly, I'm not sure that this world of all adult stuff is that great. Adults are way to serious. Consider those around me that don't understand why Eeyore goes places with me, or the adventures he often takes. Consider those that never see the fun in the world. It's not that you ignore "real life" its that you can only survive what you overcome. I overcome with humour, with love and hopefully with kindness.

I fear the change, but then, maybe I'll drive a sword into a dragon (or bus) and maybe I could sing a note or two (yeah, right) and get the mice to clean the house. But maybe I'll sing to myself and make the cleaning pass easier. And maybe we can defeat a real dragon and make the world better for those kidlets.

If not, maybe the princess will let me borrow a corner of her blanket. I have my own thumb (or tootsie pop).

Walking Away

It's a great job, I really wanted it. At this point money isn't the issue and that really played no part in my decision. But to be able to work with "slimy sacks of snot" would be so nice. Tail pullers, germ factories, nose pulling, eyeglass smearing..... how many names there are for them..... little ones, tots, peds, floor grazers. Yes, I want that. I want to work with someone that they don't have to appreciate what I do, they are the gift.

I had to walk away and say no. It was hard. Not sure I've every done it before. I had more peace about doing this than I've had in awhile. Now however, as I get ready to go to work, my stomach is churning, I'm already stressed and I haven't even dried my hair.

But I can't give up Sunday. Not now, maybe another time and place. Maybe today I'll go up to the neo-mates in my hospital and see them. Touching would be wonderful. Bablies are so healing, even the snotty ones.

The tears are coming again, hopefully cleansing. My thoughts need purification towards my current work and co-workers, okay, the administrative team more than anyone. Need to reread James 3, master the tongue and the thought. No problem, should be a snap!

Have a good one, pray that somewhere today I can see one of the babies, touching would be nice.

Best Story Ever

There is one thing about medicine, it's hard to make up some of the things that we see. So I will tell you one of the best stories ever!!! Think about sudden cardiac arrest, that kills a fair number of people in the US. Here are the important things to remember: sudden death.

So here you are, you wake up, not feeling so good, you want to call into work, but your spouse won't let you. You go in, it's a good job, one in which you get to help a lot of people, in fact you are a dispatcher for the ambulance company in a moderate sized city. Actually, you are also a paramedic. So you're sitting at your desk, on the radio when...... nothing..... fortunately for you, your coworker sees you fall over, immedately starts CPR, a couple of other coworkers come in because they were bringing back an AED that had just been serviced. That AED is now being used on you! They toss you in the ambulance, take you to the ER, where you are intubated, taken to the cath lab and the vessels are fixed. The time here is impressive, we all know you. In the unit you are well cared for and even though you are in cardiogenic shock there was a wonderful outcome and a few days later you are sitting in the cafeteria eating the yucky food.

This is what AED's are made for. It was cool. I love my job.

Hang On!!!

They said, "Hang on, it will get better!" We did, and it almost did. They said we would get staff, they said that they would help us, they even said they would put on uniforms and help us. Who in the hell are they, cause they didn't show up, neither did they help, neither did more staff (okay, technically we got some new ones but then some good ones left).

Vacation didn't help, oh, and I haven't even been back to work yet. I got calls on vacation, which I didn't mind, but I worry so about my friends on staff. I hadn't been off the plane 12 hours before I got the first call to come in. This wasn't one of those where they called just to see, there was pressure involved. Today I got the 3rd resignation, from a friend. He even called me at home and told me, which I am so grateful for. Actually I knew he would go, I was just hoping it would take a while before it happened. But then, I think that it was the best decision for him.

Our supervisior has only been gone 1.5 weeks and we are a mess. I'm sick at my stomach, angry (remember, I haven't worked yet). I guess I wonder, how much more are they going to hit us with? And do I need to go ahead and get my resume together, actually it wouldn't hurt to brush it off, I tend to piss off those over my head so I may be on the hit list as well.

I loved my job, I love my friends, I love the unit, but I'm afraid. (for those that work with me, I'm having a faithless moment - it will be okay). And there is the rub. This hospital is not my source. Again, this hospital is not my source. It is a paycheck. My heart is for the patient, and I get frustrated when I see things hinder patient care. But then, there are problems at every other hospital in town, just maybe not the same ones I see. As the ex-boss would say, "this too will pass..." Please, soon.

Vacation and Change

Sunday we leave for vacation. I need it. Between PMS and my boss, who has been the best boss I have ever had, leaving I'm in a mess. I've worked for her for a little over 5 years. We are friends, not just at work, but friends. The only thing I've never really clued her in on is this blog. Otherwise, we're fairly open with things (wonder if she has one that talks about us, hmmm). Anyway, she got a promotion. A co-worker put it like this, "I love you_____ but I'm mad at you right now." I have worked myself into being sick over it. We are excited for her, this is an opportunity that is just unreal. But again, we are very grieved. At this time we don't know who will take her place, there is one that would probably be very good, keep the best of our unit and make some changes that would be positive. Otherwise, I worry.

So, is it a time for a change? Job or even place of employment? I hear things that make me wonder about the ability of this place to continue to function as is. But then, we are a major player in the state. Happiness comes from within, and I am content within. But the questions are still there. Where can I have a positive impact and do the best for my family as well. My hospital doesn't pay as well as others, but money isn't everything. I am very sure that the hospital isn't my source. Things to ponder.

We are going to San Francisco and the surrounding area. I should be wonderful. Neither of us have ever been there. I have drugs for the flight (the noise on the plance bothers me, as do people sitting by me, as do close quarters), books and my iPod. Anyway, I have a trip to plan. I will be checking here so any thoughts are welcome.

Death

What is it that you see in their eyes as they are about to die? I can't explain it. We had a lady die today that had been moved to the unit because she wasn't doing well. Three hours later she was made a no code. I was called into the room by the other nurses to help out. We did various things for a few minutes but as I was watching her I was still aware that her skin color was mottled around her neck. I found out that she had a PE and probably several. She bacame very short of breath and we were considering intubation when the doctor talked to the husband and they made the decision not to procede.

But as she lay there, she looked me in the eyes as I was stroking her face. I asked, "Are you in pain?" and she tried to tell me something, but it was the eyes. I still don't know what I saw. It will haunt me. We did bring her husband in and she died holding his hand.

I did tear, almost cry. Maybe I did cry. I don't know. I've seen this so many times, yet it always amazes me when you see the moment that they change spheres. I think it makes me less afraid. But the connection is so awesome between us at that moment.

Maybe I'll go to bed.

Overheard *with regards to Fat Doctor*

Do you know how much this weights?" Pt's mom to my boss, while looking at a 5# weight holding pressure on the pt.

Hmmmmm maybe 5 pounds.......

Sadly, mom fired me from the case, but in the same complaint she mentioned that they shouldn't allow all the nurses to change shifts all at once...... Yeah, we should trickle in ovrer a few hours....... good one that.

New Things

Well, the Eagles said it best, they would reunite when Hell freezes over, hence the name of the return alblum. So we said about being part of a church that was just starting up, never again!! Yet, you feel a breeze here??? The church we had been attending fell apart earlier this year. There are still some people attending but it will never be the same. There are many things that could be said about it, but I've said a lot previously and there are people there that I still care about and I don't want to hurt them with anything that I might say that would offend them.

But the new thing, it's been fun. What!! Church fun! Yes, it's not all gnashing of teeth and naysaying. When you have a heart to love one another, to build up one another, it can be fun. Sure there will come a day when fun things aren't done, but for now we are enjoying one another and rejoicing in the freedom of Christ. It's a mix of people (a very small group - had it been a church split we would have more people) which I find encouraging.

So I hope this is a good thing. I hope we have as good of reception in this town as the Eagles did when they returned. Alas, I shan't hold my breath on that one, but you can always hope. I have hope again that I can look forward to going to church and survive. If this folds at some point, I can honestly say that I gave my all to it and trust that God is looking out for me.

Socially Acceptable

You ever watch a little kid that sucks their thumb and holds a blanket? Don't they look peaceful? Methinks I would very much right now like a blankey (or Eeyore with a detachable tail), lay on my tummy with my butt up in the air, and do the thumb thing. It was a horrible day and I don't want to go back.... ever would be fine.

Methinks it's not okay to tell the family that "if you really think I'm giving *&%$$# care then maybe you should come up here and check on it yourself!"

And I'm really trying to work on not using bad language, but when I was giving report to the floor today it just oozed out, not about the pt, it was that the "pink sheet" only I didn't say sheet, I replaced the double ee's with an i. A couple of nurses almost fell out laughing. Then walking across the floor my crocs did the normal tripping me thing.......

The day went downhill from there. I can't describe it all. Okay, maybe a little more for your consideration. I took my pt up to the floor, while tucking her in the bed I heard the staff in the room across the hall start yelling for help. Maybe I should mention that I'm on the code team when I'm charge, anyway, at least I didn't have to run. I was there, start to finish. Anyway, the woman didn't do too bad, we intubated and sent her to a unit. The timing was great.

Have I mentioned that I don't, do not, want to go back tomorrow. Maybe they will let me work in the ER. I'll die of overwork, but at least they won't yell at me like my staff did today. Wait, no complaining. Off to bed, maybe watching Monk will help. Night.

Encouraging Words

Our census is low. Very Low. Staff was worried.

"They will come, they will come
The snot will flow and they will come."

or when asked where all our patients were....

"they are at home resting up for their heart attacks
and distress"

If we are patient, they will come and be our patients.......

Us or Them

We've had a pt in the unit for several months now, he has been a good patient, however as it sometimes happens, we can't fix everything. The wife reminded me today, I was there the day he came in, that he shouldn't have survived the first day. That he has made it this long is either a testament to stubborness or tenancity. I'm not sure if it was good or bad.

He died at shift change.

The family was going to let him go tomorow, but sometimes God allows us to not make the decision. I really don't know that his wife could have handled it. I'm thankful that she doesn't have to walk down that road. Funny, we were going to call her and tell her that we were worried when she wasn't there today, and she walked in as the nurse was calling her cell phone. We all hugged her, we knew the time was coming, just not sure when. The nurses were at the bedside, day shift and night shift together to bid him farewell and to go on. We all knew that it would be better for him, all that met this man knew he was a special person. I'm proud to have cared for him and the family.

As the wife hugged me, it hit me: are we comforting them, or they us?

"I Used To Do Drugs, I Still Do, But I Used To Too"

However, these days the drugs are Maalox, Crestor, and Metformin. Mitch Hedberg is one of the funniest comics I've ever heard. Sadly, he died a few months ago, heart condition. Mitch is not for the ones with virgin ears, he comes out of the drug culture, similar to how I feel about Cheech and Chong.

Last weekend I watch a bunch of stuff on TV about rock culture and the drug years of the 60's and 70's. I found that it brought back memories and feelings that I would rather not be reminded of. At my advanced age, I probably dwell to much on what might have been. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people. There are days I would love to sit in a dark room, drink Crown and listen to Pink Floyd or Clapton doing the blues. Then there are the days that I am devoted to reading the Bible and music that is along that genre. Can the two co-habitate? Methinks yes, but then I feel guilty about that. But then, by the time I went and bought the crown and found the CD the mood would probably pass, and finding a quite place in the house is almost nonexistant. Oh well. I could eat Ben and Jerry's and stare at the fish......... Almost the same effect and about the same level of sin for me. (not the fish, the ice cream)

Thinking of the fish, maybe I'm like my neons, one of them is always away from the others... did they push him away, is he thinking, does he want to be friends with the angel tetras? So many things to wonder.

Diversity

Went to a Hispanic grocery store today. Methinks I was the only caucasian in the place. It was most interesting, beautiful layout, the various rows of peppers, vegatables, bins of beans. It was very interesting. As I walked the aisles I remembered once when my youngest was a newborn. I had signed my other boys up for swimming lessons at the only place I could really afford at the time. It was at an inner city YMCA. We were the only white people there and all the little girls would come up to the baby and want to touch him. It was really sweet. Once I asked the three year old if he noticed anything different about his instructor (I was actually inquiring about his name "Boo") but I was pleased that his answer was that Boo's swimming suit was green.

Alas, I didn't buy much there. I realized (yeah, it was my inner blond coming out) that I wasn't finding what I wanted to cook for my stirfry at the hispanic store. I just chalked this one up to exploration, but I know where to find the best peppers in town.

Duh

Prior to giving a shot to a twenty year old: You gonna stab me with that!!!!!

Dumb look on my face: Yeah.

Aren't you gonna push it in slow???

Flat expression: I can, but it will hurt a whole lot more.

I.... I ..... I guess let me look away before you stab me.

Sadly enough, I did stab her (so to speak) and she basically didn't feel it. It was only a tetnus shot, nothing like an antibiotic that actually would hurt. Good Grief, get out of my ER.

Joy

Thanks Fat Doctor for sharing this. After a hard day at work (or whereever) this is good.

The Waiting Room

Had to go to the breast surgeon today. The year after my mother died I had my baseline mammogram which showed a lump. This was properly disposed of a month later (Christmas holidays were rough that year) with a laser procedure. I now have yearly checkups with him. The funny thing with this doc is the routine: hug, grope, grope, hug. Now the grope is a very professional grope, he is well respected but if you have my sense of humour, well, what can I say. (All was well, by the well, same time next year).

I watch people: the waiting room had a mix of folks: those like me, by themselves, confident everything is fine; those with several support people that you know are not calm about this visit, and those kinda in between - scared but alone or not alone but maybe doing okay.

Waiting rooms are tense places, when I walk through the waiting room early in the morning to say hello to the guest reps the families look up but pay no mind. They know with my backpack on that I'm just another person. Later, should I walk out there, all eyes are on me. They look afraid: who will she pick? is it bad? Reminds me of the herd of animals with the lion picking one out. The other animals are running, no one stands by the one picked out. You feel the eyes on you, they all watch, even if they know they have never seen me in the unit they are in, they all watch.

I've forgotten about it before and gone out to see someone I knew, but not well. They were afraid when I came out and I forgot to ease the tension (family had no idea) until a few minutes passed. I felt bad. Anyway, interesting to watch.

The Party

Went to a surprise party tonight, the guy was actually surprised! It was a lot of the people from the church, whatever our church is now. One of my favourite things is watching people, and watching the other people watchers in the group. Example, the host of the group watches from across the room, and I loved watching his reactions to the folks. It was quite a mix of folks, and they know about the blog so this could be interesting.

The seniors that aren't that senior. Agewise, maybe, but I don't really see a seperation in us. They have more life experience, and when the karoke machine came out they went with a different group of songs (Beautiful Doll, When the Saints Go Marching In). But they sang early on and laughed at it and at us. The church had really been blessed with an awesome group of older folks, some of the ones I knew better have gone on to be with Jesus, and I wonder often had some of them been here if the church would have had some of the problems it does. I don't think so. Anyway, this is a fun lot that can teach us a lot.

The mids: I think that's me and a few others. One is particuarly interesting to me: she is surrounded by males, and she looks like she should have had girls to be on her side. At times she seems frail yet she keeps them in line. I actually came to know her more because her father, like mine, died in the unit I work in. I forget that at times when I laugh about being the angel of death, or at some of the things, but I think I did her right when her dad was a patient. This group has people that are serious about following the Lord and about doing things right. Yet they can have fun in a good way.

This group, including the ones that weren't there tonight, has come together out of necessity. They have quickly merged into people of action. I'm interested to see how this will work out. I hope that the relationships will last though.

Kids!!!

Don't ya love them??? Continuing sources of entertainment. My guys are 23, 20, and 17. All boys, all boy. I have found that if I just stay around them, hanging, I learn more about my kids than I could any other way. Picture this, one border collie being held facing forward by one boy, another tossing the ball to the dog for her to catch. Another is discussing why they should get a penguin as opposed to a weasel. I'm in shock at this point. Then they talk about how they could put a shark in my new aquarium to eat my tetras...... oh yeah, just kidding mom.

I'm talking about painting the house, they don't care what colour I paint their rooms, one just points at the colour chart while not looking! I don't get it..... They just want it done quickly so I'm not in their way.

I also was listening to them describe homeschool to someone. Basically they focused on how the youngest one always has one of the animals in his possession during school. The dog "answers" the questions the cat is usually forced to dance around. Could explain why the cat is so unhappy during the school year.

And yet I know I will miss them when they move out.

The Restaurant

Thanks to the drug company I was allowed in one of the better restaurants in my town. And let me say, I do thank them. The thing is, the owner of the restaurant grows the greens for his salads. What I don't understand is, why do we now leave the stems on the ends of the green things? And why am I eating stuff that reminds me of what I used to throw away out of the garden and eat out of the yard (haven't mentioned my fixation on imitating the horse, have I??) It was rather embarassing having the green stems hang out of my mouth while sipping on the very fine wine. And I wonder why my boss rarely takes me anywhere!!

It was fun, I appreciated learning the differences between cardene and nipride, both of which I am very comfortable with. But remember, I'm the one that thrives on adrenaline. I do enjoy these dinners the speaker though made one false statement that all the ICU nurses corrected him on: patients can live forever in the ICU, we all know the stories.

On that note, my "friend" that I also precepted in the unit was delighting the aides today with stories of my disasters. I had forgotten some of them, but it was fun hearing her perspective on those things. Okay, a quickie: one of her first days in the unit, code was called, doc was in the room with our pt (we hadn't even seen the pt yet - first thing in the morning), we go to the code...... as we are bringing the code pt down to the unit they call a code in our unit. I walk in, it's MY patient. Seems the doc let him get up to go to the bathroom and he suddenly didn't feel well, they got him back in bed and that was pretty much all hey could do. The family had all gone home, they had been there all night and he was fine. Rather awkward moment explaining that one.

Another day tomorrow.........

Ode to Movie Popcorn

Disclaimer: I am NOT a poet, my favourite poet is Ogden Nash. Please lower your expectations here.

Ode to Movie Popcorn

How I love you,
dare I say, let me count the ways.
You bid to me as I dream of the movie
You call out to me as none at home can do.

You are drenched in petroleum products
called "butter"
You harden my arteries as you encircle
my circulatory system.

Yet I cannot resist,
at times I flock to the cinema
only for you do I seek.
Nay, not the flick.

You say, why oh why do you partake?
Heck if I know, but I must.
Even now, I am not sated (hope this is the right use of the word??)
You call, you call, you call.


*this is probably going to be revisited, but I had to start somewhere.

Friday the 13th

Okay, anyone that works in an ER or area like that knows that we are a superstitous lot. You never erase the last name on the board, you NEVER say "it's quite in here", in fact we get worried and call it the "q" word, lots of things like that. In my unit, in fact lots of people at this hospital (we have around 700 beds) they know me as the"angel". I have never done anything to cause it, it's just there are some people that seem to be the one that is there when things go badly. I'm always cautious about it lest people misunderstand.

Today, I was charge. We have a 20 bed unit, I had two patients (our normal load per nurse). The charge nurse is also lead on the code team for the hospital. Everything was somewhat decent this morning, I even got LUNCH!! Then, well, CODE BLUE so I ran to it. Took awhile to deal with it, transferred the pt to another unit, went back to mine. While I was out they filled my empty bed with a "great charge nurse patient." Pt in their 30's had some heart valve issues, just here to be watched a little closer. You know, just in case. While I was gone they even bathed her (my unit is awesome - I will brag on them anytime, anyplace). So anyway..... my perfect charge nurse patient didn't understand the rules, my rules...... she came down on 1.5 liters O2, decompensated over about 30-45 minutes, was intubated, PEA (ran a code), we placed an art line, neo, dopamine, NS bolus, then the big one, a balloon pump!

I'm still in shock. One of the nurses today is an instructor, she and I reviewed what had happened. Had I missed something? Should I have intubated sooner? We intubated before she gave out, I had drugs being mixed from pharmacy before I had orders so when the doc called back I could be ready right then, I was trying to beat the bad stuff..... I even had the crash cart next to her room to ward off the evil spirits..... No one felt like I missed anything and I really don't either. It's just reviewing how fast our patients can go bad. Had she remained on the floor I really think she would have died. Those nurses are good, but it happened too fast for them to be able to do everything we did. Again, and none of them will read this, well one will, the nurses around me were doing all the work, I was directing some and pacing a lot (phone calls to docs), running and fetching, scribbling notes so I could remember what in the heck happened.

I left work at 8:50, I was supposed to be off at 7p. The patient was stable when I left, the other code patient was alive as well. Maybe it wasn't a bad day after all.

Kindness

Funny, I just read what I wrote about the ER, how nervous I was. It went fine by the way. But it has brought to mind how much culture difference between ER and the unit I work in. I hope that it's more the whole rest of the hospital, but anyway, you'll see what I mean.

Monday was a very rainy day.... accidents happen. A family was traveling through our town from out of state, no family here. They were involved in an accident, I don't know who's fault, I heard hydroplaning, but it's not important to the story. There were four people in the car: dad, mom, two kids. Dad was seriously injured, difficult extracation, head injury, at some point was intubated. Mom and kids were brought out my hospital, dad to another. For those that don't work in ER, the decision was based this way: dad needed serious care, we could provide that but we could only take so many victims at once. Mom and kids needed to be seen, there was great potential for serious injury. Normally kids would have gone to the local childrens hospital, but mom couldn't be treated there and they didn't want to split mom and kids up. The place dad was taken would have probably sent kids to children's, so mom and kids to us, we can do care for all.

Now, mom and kids turned out fine. Picture yourself in mom's place. One kid, the youngest was placed in the same bay as mom, the older taken to a different room. She knew spouse was hurt, but not with us. She couldn't see older kid. She was stressed. It was difficult. We were able to work them through at a decent time (even with me being slow).

I called the other hospital to see how dad was, it wasn't good: that was when I got the story about head injiury, nonresponsive, on vent with chest tubes, broken bones, etc. I went to mom, told her that he was in good hands, but very serious. I called the chaplain and had him come. We arranged for cabfare to the other hospital and chaplain called over to their chaplain for follow up. So far, not bad. Here's the rub.

Mom had glass all over her, mom had all the luggage. She asked if there was a place where she could shower. There was in the main part of the hospital. The ER charge nurse had a fit about me wanting to let her do it, even though I could "free" up the room she was in and it would require nothing of staff. We allow families to use these facilities for people that have to stay in the critical care waiting areas. I was horrified by the reaction I got. I had no idea if mom could do that at the other place, I don't know what they offer. I have no clue what kind of finances they had.

Maybe it's the thought, "what if it were me?" This is beginning to be a real source of action for me. Today I was trying to catch up on stuff, people needed me here and there. A call light was going off and the pt kept saying, "nurse, nurse, something is wrong here." I wanted to blow it off so bad, find HER nurse and let them deal with it. Finally I went in, and her IV had horribly infiltrated and the meds were burning her skin. I felt maybe an inch tall, I know that hurt her. What if I was the one needing the pain medicine or the drink or whatever..... I fail so often, yet when I want something I want others to do it NOW.

So I listen to others (and myself too often) joke and carry on, or make fun of things, or say: they really don't need that. Then I wonder, what if it were me in there.... I hope I don't get paid back for all the stuff I've done. I really hope that I become the person that responds rightly to others. But then too often I'm more like today when I suggested if only we could get the guy in the room with a fly (yes, a fly) to think he was hallucinating the fly, then he would shut up.......

Isn't it interesting what your children think of you. The other night my oldest called me as I was about to leave work. A 12 year old son of someone from the church had been skateboarding down a hill, fell and was coming to the ER at my hospital. Could I go check on him?

Got to the ER, they were just checking in, dad, kid and another teen that drove them. Kid looked bad, no kidding. My thoughts had been I would go down there, kid would have a "pumpknot" and overreacting parents. Kid was pale, had been combative, said over and over he couldn't see, bucket in lap (he was about to barf) and again, he looked bad.

I went to the back, asked the charge nurse if they were going to get him back soon, that he didn't look good (please note, I work some in this ER, I know them and knew he would be upfront with me). Seems they had just gotten multiple ambulances in and there were no open rooms. I offered that maybe we should take kid to the children's hospital that was about 10 minutes away, charge nurse thought that would be a good idea.

Normally I would not like this, kid is here, needs to be seen soon. However our children's hospital is top notch and I felt like he would be more appropriately treated there (more than likely in hindsight - my hospital would have diagnosed him and transferred to the kid's hospital anyway). I rode with the kid to the other hospital, I was quite worried about him and hoped that if something happened maybe I could be useful.

We got to the ER, kid started vomiting as soon as we rolled in. You look at lay people in these situations and how they react and how we react. Dad had kid in the men's bathroom before I could stop him, he suddenly ran out and told me kid was barfing...... okay, I ran in and was like, get him in the wheelchair. Dad told me we needed to clean up the mess, I went out and told security that I needed towels, methinks dad probably couldn't carry kid over it without falling. I thew towels down, kid in wheelchair and got out of there.

While they were triaging kid, dad kept getting flustered and I would answer.... I noticed then that there were several notations "mom states...." I figured it was easier to let it go than to clarify. The staff there was wonderful, I was quite proud of them.

As it turns out, kid fractured his skull and was admitted to ICU. This was Thursday, today I heard he is still in the hospital, having trouble keeping food down.

I told my son that I appreciated him calling me, I think they would have stayed at my hospital until seen and it was better that I pushed to move him. While there were downsides to moving him (again, normally I would not do that) it was better for this situation. My son also went to the hospital to see them and be available if needed to help. It's interesting to see how compassionate he is towards others. I wish I could say that my hospital is always the best, but I do so appreciate knowing that they will tell me when I need other help. Oh, and I work in that ER Monday.

Irony

Even "funnier (so to speak)..... I got a ticket last week. Yes, I moaned about it to both guys while admitting I deserved the ticket I did gripe that there was no probation offered by that judge. This is while we were traveling to another part of the state. Yes, I was speeding. Yes, I deserved it..... but rats, I was trying to get away from a group of trucks. Makes no difference, I'm sure they get sick of hearing excuses so I basically didn't offer one when I was stopped. It just reminds me of when patients hit their call light to get you to come into the room when they can see you looking at them and they could just wave you in (yeah, a lady came out to the desk today - the glassed ICU room was facing me, the pt told her to come back in he would just hit the call light even though she was at my desk asking me a question I would need the chart for the answer). Sorry, I digress...... Anyway, whining should only be for fun, never serious.

Anyway..... I loved the irony and I enjoyed the patients.

Time

I haven't blogged in awhile, life has been getting in the way. Nothing special, just stuff. Maybe it's being out of the daily routine, not doing school with the kid. Maybe it's just being tired.

Had to take spouse to a larger city for a checkup on his eye. He has, this is what the doc calls it, a mole on the edge of the cornea. We go once a year to make sure that it doesn't grow. This particular day spouse was not feeling well so I drove. Unfortnately we had to make an unscheduled stop to met one of our fine state troopers. Unstead of pointing to the specimen in the back seat and saying I was on my way to a specialist (he looked dead) I just made no excuse at all. I figure these guys are as sick of whiners as I get. It will cost me $130, some pride, oh, and the judge doesn't offer probation, nor do they take personal checks. So it goes on my beautiful record.

Lately I've been pondering my life and what if I had been raised here or there or done this or that. I'm late 40's, I think this is natural. I'm not unhappy with my life, just wonder. Then I wonder if when we are in heaven if we get to enjoy things maybe we didn't here. Unending Ben and Jerry's without weight gain, riding horses across the prairie, just stuff....... Is it foolish to consider these things? I mean, I'm all for unending praise of Jesus around the throne, don't get me wrong, and I suppose we won't even think about such things, but I wonder. Oh foolish me. Oh well. Off to met more state troopers, #3 son needs his drivers license and we must go to their hidey hole. Yesterday they were pissed off, maybe today will be better.

Reports of My Death Are Only Hopeful

Okay, I'm not dead. I'm tired. I haven't been reading any blogs much, I haven't had energy to think about what is going on around me. I had hoped today to play catch up, but alas, life caught up. I probably should have done this last night when I wasn't sleeping, but I was too busy focusing on stuff that I can't control. So, needless to say nothing has been writen.

I will say, I am still stunned from hearing a patients father tell me (and administration when he complained about me) that he didn't care what we (oh, said this to the doctor that told him we wanted his daughter sedated) that if he "wanted to wake her up he would, and it didn't matter if it was not in her best interest!" I was also instructed in new tattoo care.

When you get in situations, you have to seperate the patient from the family. I liked the patient, of course, I like most people when they are properly sedated with ativan, versed, haldol, or geodon.

I'm going to now carry my anemic blood, my ear with the effusion (oh, I had a checkup today), and my tired booty to bed. I have to work tomorrow and I expect someone will expect me to actually earn my money. I will have a lot to say when I finally sit down and sort it out.

Overheard

Picture this: Intensive Care Unit. Patient in bed...... screaming:

CODE BLUE!!!

CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!
CODE BLUE!!!

Over and Over.......

Families think we don't care as we call out to her: "Stop!! You're upsetting the other patients!!"

Have I mentioned I love Haldol and Geodon????

Celebration

The fact is, our boys are growing up. The oldest son's best friend got married this weekend. Graduated college, and now married. It won't be long until the groom is one of mine. ***sigh***

The bride was delightful, family was awesome. We had to go out of town for the wedding and were able to stay onsight at the colleg campus. The grooms family has had a tough year and friends came to show support and celebrate. It was great!!

Isn't it wonderful when we come together, love one another and rejoice!! This family has been close to us since the oldest boys were toddlers. They have celebrated everything together and I'm so excited that we were able to partake.

The Funeral

I got a message from a friend last week, her mother had become ill suddenly and passed away. I was stunned, the first I heard of it and it was over. I initially thought that I had missed everything, but then began to realize that the funeral had not happened. The morning of the funeral I realized that as I was typing a letter to her about how hard it was for me when my dad died, and how lonely you feel in the midst of the people, that I could tell her this in person.

The thing is, you couldn't just up and go, this place was a couple of hours away. But when I thought about completing the letter about how I understood what she was going though, I realized I could hug her instead. The drive was good, I had time to reflect on many things. It was one of those where you drive like crazy on the interstate, then you get to drive in the country. This state, in late spring, is beautiful. Yeah, what a sacrifice: I got to be away from town, alone.

One thing people don't know how to do is to just be. It's a helping word: be. Sometimes there are no words, you just are there. I had no great thoughts for my friend, I'm not "puffing" myself up. I remembered the pain when my parents died, and I came. If there was wisdom to impart, others did it. I just wanted to be there for her.

This woman died in the house she was born in, she decorated the cemetry before she died. She raised wonderful children and was keeping her grandson while her son was in Iraq. She had a faithful old dog that will be lost without her. Moments of wandering around, there is a river that flows behind her home, one that is popular with canoeist. It was a simple funeral, yet it spoke volumes. I never met her, but I would have been honoured to call her a friend. I wish I could effectively describe what I felt, but words limit me. There was a certain amount of mourning, because she will be missed, but it was a celebration of a life that was not wasted.

Maybe that's it...... a life that was not wasted. How much time do we waste, but what is wasted time? Is it a waste to sit and read, to enjoy just "being" with someone and not doing? Is it a waste if you don't solve the worlds problems, but you are faithful to the people around you? Is it a waste to live a simple life, one that surely Hollywood would make fun of, yet you have a simple faith that God is eternal and we are not?

I envy those that can do that. Can realize we are not to waste what God has given us. To enjoy the time together, to enrich our minds and souls, to give to others as we have been given. To be forgiven, to forgive, to love, to be loved.

I suspect this kind lady is in heaven, enjoying the presence of God and seeing the tears wept in her honour. She probably wonders why they cry for her, but she has surely shed tears as they do.

Rest now my friend, this is your legacy. And I thank you that you allowed me to come and see this part of your life. Don't hide what and who you are. I know you were surprised by my presence, but you would have surely come for me. You were taught by your mom friendship, and this is who you are. Friends love each other, they can just "be" there, and when you need to safely cry, now or in a year, I'll be there if you need me. Funny thing, you accepted me at a time when I was weak and loved me, and should you need me, I'll be there for you. Go sit at the river, think eternal, and know you are loved.

Pearls.......

I'm putting the following link here, what I'm requesting is that you pick the character from Pearls that best suits you, BUT that you also pick the character that best suits me.

http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/html/cast_PearlSwine.html

I can't wait.........

Drama

This last week has been interesting. Work was, well, fascinating. We weren't that busy for once, and well, the nurses and staff had spring fever. I wear a stuffed figure of a character on my stetoscope, they keep stealing it. They were hilarious. We actually got to destress. Nice, probably won't happen again in a long time. Even the docs were pulling jokes on each other.

Okay, I must tell. Once there was a surgeon that was asked to help do a trach. I won't say at what level training he was to protect his innocence. So the pulmonologist, the RT and the surgeon are at the bedside ready to start when the surgeon whips out instructions. Well, see one, do one, teach one........

Recently same pulmonologist and RT are getting ready to do a trach, surgeon (a well trained surgeon that has a great sense of humour) pulls out instructions from his pocket. Pulmonologist screams..... "YOU!!!" at the RT who is rollong over laughing. Pulmonologist is now seeking revenge........

On another note, stress has been high at the church, but I think we are on the down side of it now. Okay, we are leaving, now sheeps without a pastor. But so much good has come from it that I believe God will redeem the day.

And I want to thank my blogging buddies here, it's nice to know that our hearts touch even when we don't know each other. I hear "Fiddler on the Roof" so I'm out of here.......

Super Villian

I took a Super Villian quiz for a friend of mine. I'm not into these things, but I did find the questions interesting. I didn't realize "motherly" would be a question. I think I can understand most of the answers. So, here it is.


You are Mr. FreezeMr. Freeze
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
68%
The Joker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
67%
Dr. Doom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
67%
Riddler
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
64%
Lex Luthor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52%
Two-Face
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52%
Venom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
51%
Poison Ivy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50%
Apocalypse
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46%
Juggernaut
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44%
Dark Phoenix
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44%
Magneto
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39%
Catwoman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37%
Mystique
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36%
Kingpin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33%
Green Goblin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28%
You are cold and you think everyone else should be also, literally.

Ouch

I've been busy with real life lately and haven't written much or read much on the blogs. Much to my surprise, I went to Fat Doctor's blog today to find out that she is closed down. Seems a co-worker buster her out to the boss. The boss was fine about it, but it really bites. I guess for FD it was much like having your diary read over the loudspeaker.

So many people are amazed that we blog. What do you say? What if your boss finds out? What if a patient recognizes themselves? First of all, you would have to be more paranoid than I am to recognize yourself. Seriously, of all the people in the blogging world do you think you are special enough to make the interesting stuff you read on here? Come on.... and then you have to realize that so much is embellished to make it interesting, well, Jerry Springer has some openings.

My boss..... she wouldn't be happy, but methinks she would get over it. I think too that she recognizes creative writing. However, I don't want to push it. I do love my job.

I'm sorry FD, I really am. You have shared so much with us, we've walked down many things with you. I'm still touched by the death of one of the bloggers, I never knew her, but yet, I did. Somewhat better than some folks I see on a regular basis. Why is that? Because she opened up her thoughts for us to see, something we don't trust those close to us to do.

Alas, real life calls. I have much to do before going to throw myself before the patients and families tomorrow. See if I have any sanity left.

Patient Wisdom

I love patients, they have such "interesting" tidbits. Today I was informed that putting a rubber band in the patients hair will induce seizures.

There are days that the families help us do our jobs, they tell us how to give the meds, they tell us how to pull up the patient in the bed. They help us manage our time, because we so often sit around and do nothing (this is usually when at 5pm I'm writing my 9am assessment that I couldn't write because I was bathing the pt and giving meds, talking to the doctor about what we need or what has happened, u know.

I remember my mom was worried about me reaching over my head when I was pregnant because I might strangle the baby. But then, I freaked out when I ran into an electric fence because I was afraid I might electricute the baby. Ah, the days of going to the family doctor with the baby and asking if having the car windows down were the reason he had ear infections. He was sooooo patient with me.

We learn, we grow, we teach. Of course, we snicker behind the closed doors....

Is It Obsessive?

If you wake up at 12:45 am and call work about something you forgot to do, is that too obsessive?

That was the second phone call. Some have called me "work boundary challenged." Can I charge them for that time? Oh dear.

She Knows It's Coming

Okay, I show up for work in the ICU Thursday.... my orientee is sitting in a chair. Ha you say, so..... So this gal never sits, she is usually 30 minutes early for work, has report underway, makes me look terrible all the time. So I'm thinking, what's wrong......

We start report. Now, I'm not the most observant person in the unit, but I could even tell Zippy ain't feeling so good. First clue, she can't finish a sentence without having to stop for a breath (and when the sentence is "No, I'll stay." it isn't a good sign). Second clue, I've seen pt's that have better colour than she had (you can include 1/2 dead pts in that), third, my co-workers all said she was sick.

Give her credit, Zippy was determined to work!! She refused to go the ER, she said she couldn't drive home, she was gonna work. We had a balloon pump pt and something else, nothing serious. I kept telling her that it was fine for her to stay, when she passed out we could do anything we wanted (the chaplain later told me that this statement was pivotal in her relenting to care while she could control some of it). When she was trying to give the 9am meds and couldn't get the meds down the NG tube and realized that someone would have to help with that - she thought it was stopped up, reality was she was too weak to push the meds, it flushed easily with the healthy nurse. She finally said that maybe she would go to the ER. I knew there was no way this gal was going in a wheelchair, but her audible wheezes were unnerving to me as we walked down to the ER (yeah, not very observant, I didn't hear them with all the racket in the unit, in the hallway, oh my!) And of course, she was breathing 37 times a minute.

I also work in the ER pool, so I was hoping that would speed things up for us, alas, not to be. We got back rather quickly but getting respiratory was a little slow. I went back and forth (I was charge in our unit, hated to be gone long) and Zippy was in good hands. However after her 1 hour updraft and CXR her sat on room air was 85%. I suggested maybe O2 would be in order, but didn't put it on in case they wanted gasses. Epi and steroids were given, and she ended up on 40% veni mask. Long story short(er), she got admitted to ICU for bilateral PE's (blood clots). Two days later she is doing much better, I did manage to care for HER patients without killing any of them, and she is ALMOST cooperating with her care.

I can't tell you how scared I was. We lost a blogger in the fall to this, of course I've seen pts die with it, one of our nurses mom died with one (sorry babe - I know it still hurts and I know you were very scared), and I'm quite attached to the girl. I'm hoping that Zippy will take this serious, will actually cooperate with the docs (we did hand pick them), and will heal quickly. After all, I am having to do my own work, God save the patients!!!!

Tagged - Why I Blog

Survival - I've found that my survival depends on being able to look at most situations and to see if I can make someone laugh when I retell it. I now find myself thinking during the day about how to tell this without violating HIPPA or my friends confidence.

Interaction - I live a fairly sheltered life, seriously!! I love hearing how others respond to what I say and think. There are a few of you out there that have responded so kindly to me, but I also like to challenge main stream thought (except for when I want you to come to the main stream).

Venting - 100% O2..... I try to keep myself out of trouble by changing enough that the idiots won't recognize themselves or the suits either. I have totally refrained, well, most of the time refraned from trashing someone that gives me a paycheck. But come on, there are sooooo many times I just want to scream, "you may have imprinted your image on my forehead, you may give me a paycheck, but I can't keep saying over and over that you 'really' care about my staff when you have everything you need and we don't" and we could go on from there but I suspect most of my readers know what I'm talking about.

Dreams - I finally spoke the words today to a friend, "I would really like to be a children's book reviewer." Possibly even a writer. No, that's not true. I would really love to be a writer. So this is a way for me to fulfill some of that. (I would be really good as a kids book reviewer though).

Freedom- I can talk all day in here without being interrupted once. I can tell the story, edit the story, jazz the story, but you can't stop me *giggle*. This is so freeing.

Too Bummed To Blog

I've not written anything, been busy attending to things belonging to a higher power. This is not the first time I've been involved in a church that was imploding, but this time I'm more detached. It's sad really. Why, why, why? Because we are but frail humans with a sin nature. Now, not everyone believes that, it's okay, but I've seen enough sin nature to convince me. Otherwise, how do you explain the news and what people do to each other.

Today was a new low. Everytime I try to type something about this, I can't. I think I need to leave it at that. Fortunately, this time my source isn't the church, it's the rock. And I hope and pray that I not take my eyes off the rock.

Maybe when I go back to work Thursday the patients will give me something to laugh at.

The Call

The man called asking about his dad. I took the call from the hostess. He hadn't talked to a nurse in about a week. My first question is usually tell me what you know, so I know how to fill in the blanks. He couldn't understand why dad wasn't getting better. It's a safe bet in my unit to discuss heart failure and fluid in the lungs. I educated, read the pet scan results, went through the mans history (and in a unit aren't they all the same??), looked up CT results. I explained about the surgery on Monday (lung biopsy). He still wasn't getting it why dad isn't any better. I'm finally going "look, he's 83 years old, the parts wear out!" "No he's not, he's 72." I'm sure of this one, after all, I can read, "He's 83, right here on the chart." Then I reinterate about the family meeting and how Jim Bob, Sue Bob and his mom were talking with the doctors when he goes, "Who's Jim Bob?" Duh, I say, "Your brother!" Thinking how bad is this connection (in my defense, the phone had been breaking up). "No, my brother is Mark Bob!" Sadly, 47 minutes and 30 seconds into this call I ask, "Who is your family?" It's the Symthe family, I had been telling him about the Smuth family......

You must understand, I had been tired, hungry, and the last part of the talk a little exasperated. My staff is now rolling on the floor as I tell one of them that this call is actually for them...... Could they please talk to the man who surely (and maybe rightfully) thinks I'm an idiot. Needless to say the HIPPA police will probably take me away when I go back......

Naked Patients

First might I say, why is the only patients that want to be naked are the ones we don't want to look at??? *sudder*

Overheard: "Now Mr. Smith, why do you keep taking your clothes off?" said the cute young nurse.

"Because I breathe better naked!" was the hasty reply.

Why

Yet again the patient didn't make it. I don't know the details, I wasn't there, but I got to clean up the emotions after. He was only a few years older than me with a preteen child. My staff was upset, they weren't expecting it. Yes, he was on a balloon pump, but geez, we see a lot of people recover after that. So why are we so surprized that this one didn't make it? Because we do our job well. He talked, laughed and joked up until he coded.

Why do we walk away from these cases saying, "what did I miss" "could I have done something different". Because we are exactly what a nurse should be. We care. This was OUR patient, he deserved the best and we gave it to him. We tried. Fifty years ago he wouldn't have had this chance, actually more like 15 years ago. We give good care. And because of that, we cry, we have bad dreams, we analyze every move we made. And I hope we never stop.

I hope if I ever do become the patient my nurse cares enough to cry at times, that she or he would think of each move they make. This time it's a healthy cry. We lost, but with the process of reviewing what we did, we also gain a respect of the fact that our patients, even when the laugh and joke, are very sick. And they need us, to be there for them.

Amazing Grace

We all left home tonight, three seperate vehicles. I only anticipated seeing one child at the concert, instead all of us were there. How strange that we, having children of this age (early twenties, teenager) should all end up at a choral concert at a church that none of us attends on a Friday night. The music was beautiful, this choir and orchastra will be leaving next week to travel to England to sing at the church where John Newton wrote most of his hymns.

It is Amazing Grace

Jellybeans

I like them, a lot. I'm type II diabetic, had a drug rep dinner tonight with dessert. I have a bag of jellybeans in my room. I want them, yet I know I should not.

Blast the evel (can't remember what movie that is a quote from) nurse that recently gave me jellybeans and reminded me how much I love them. The evil little things, so full of favor. So tempting....

Know what makes me do better control..... looking at patients. I don't want to be one. I constantly am reminded that I must exercise, eat better, so that I'm not a patient and that I can live to see my grandchildren grow up and marry. This would be the grandchildren that are not only not on the way but of the children that aren't married (only one is dating currently).

Anyway, maybe one jellybean...... maybe not.

Spring

This time of year is when I always wish I lived on a farm or ranch. I'm smart enough to know there's a ton of work to it, but the rewards are there as well. I have a friend who's parents raise sheep. I want to go in the next few weeks and see the lambs. There's just something about babies, lambs, basically innocence that we need more of in our lives.

There are many spiritual points I could make at this time, but I will leave them to you to point out. I had another favorite patient (actually more the family was a favorite, never really knew the pt) die, on Easter actually. Just as there are many other photo's I could post to hint at spring (oh, it's been a cold snap here as well, doesn't even feel like spring) we all know about the seasons and God's timing. However, my head hurts, I need to clean, and you can just think about lambs and Easter.......

Promised Photos

This is the obit written by the child in seminary. I have great hope for the future with this child as a spiritual leader. The eldest child has written a song, the youngest is in mourning. I wonder if, since he died so close to Easter, if Fat Tuesday will rise again....


On April 5th 2007 at 7:30 p.m. a dear friend and family member was murdered in a crime of passion by a toy-obsessed, energetic, addict, puppy. The dog is now in custody but the loss will be great.

Known to some as the one you hope you don’t pick up in the claw machine, Fat Tuesday turned out to be a diamond in the rough. He was a photogenic icon for many people. To some he might have represented a very important religious time. However, his family knew that religion wasn’t what Fat Tuesday was all about. You see to Phat it wasn’t about trivial events or even very good hair upkeep. What Phat cared about was peace, love, and ironically he loved animals. It was that love that ultimately led to his demise. He was warm and cuddly all the way down to his soft cottony insides.

He is survived by the xxxx family, including Aaron his primary caregiver and best friend.

A graveside service will be held on Friday April the 6th at 5:30ish for family and close friends (or anyone else) at the family's backyard.

Tentative Speakers include:

Stephen
John Michael
Jonathan
Aaron

And tentatively:
Pastor John Piper (Bethlehem Baptist Church)
Coach Stan Heath (SFU Basketball Coach)
Benedict XVI (Pope)
Matt Redman (British)
Bill Cosby (Fat Albert)
Kenan Thompson (Fat Albert)
Mike Huckabee (Future President of the United Stated)

A special musical tribute is also expected by Nick Cannon (hilarious) but if not Jonathan will do it.

100 Posts

This is my 101st post. Can't believe, I know, what an amazing feat. And for all two of you that read me you wonder how I filled the pages with such, well, whatever.

Todays note is hopefully a you tube event my son sent me.



Lets try......

What Have I Created?

I'm having trouble with the photo here, will work on that. The boys announced tonight that Fat Tuesday was dead. The dog killed it. Fat Tuesday is the doll, oops action figure won out of a claw machine at the movies. Fat Tuesday has had quite a ride, literally actually... front seat of jeep, trip to the zoo, no telling where else.

Since Fat Tuesday is dead, they are now in the kitchen painting him the proper colour cyanotic, including having a cap on his head to keep from discolouring his hair. The obit is being written.... What if they had applied this much work to their school.

Tomorrow I shall get permission to download a proper picture (I had planned on doing that anyway about the trip to the zoo) and possibly the obit. *shakes her head in wonder*

Winding Roads

Even wonder what would have happened had some event in your life had been different? In my case, what if my parents hadn't moved here when I was 6? What if they moved to a different state? Would I have married someone totally different? Would I still have become a nurse? What all would be different?

Another thought: Ever look at people you pass and wonder what they are thinking? What is their life like? What do they think of you? In doing patient care sometimes I wonder how I come accross to them, do they see that I care? Do they know that sometimes I cry when their loved ones die? I think of some families even now several years after I cared for them. Do my co-workers know I really mean the stuff when I say how much I enjoy them? Am I always bitchy and whiny (today was bad, I was a bitch)? I mistook a pt's family member the other day, he doesn't know how horrible I felt about it.... my brain is really bad on stuff like that.

I'm overall content with my life, sometimes I wonder, but not to change it as much as to think. Would I change it? A few things yes, but mostly no. I wouldn't be who I am without it (then again, maybe that would be good). Maybe I'm tired and need some sleep.... yep, that is true.

Must See You-Tube

I'm still laughing and I needed it so. And free psych help to boot.

http://psychiatrist-blog.blogspot.com

Go to the April Fools You-Tube stuff and watch the dead deer.

Please note, I'm prone to switching to Spanish at work when my name is called to often. Phrases I know:
No hables ingles
Mi gusta mucho Eyeore
No en casa

The Storm

I'm not afraid to admit I'm afraid of storms, always have been, can't imagine it changing now. Last night though, was an awesome storm. Now that it's over, I can admit, it scared the pee out of me and from what I hear from others, them too.

Set up: I took my son to karate at the church (yeah, it is weird) and decided I would just wait on him. I had a book to read, I'm happy. The storm started while we were there, I could hear hail bouncing off the roof, on checking it was pea to marble sized. But I was safe, it was good. After the lesson we were running out to the truck when I realized I was going to have to run through the rain (I had on crocs, bad choice) with the lightening so frequent you couldn't out run it. I ran..

So now we're driving down the road, all good, when it really began to hail. Now, I can't reproduce the sound, but it was BAM, BAM, BAM BAAM.... lightening POW POW POW, I'm sure somewhere in there I might have been screaming... but then I'm not sure. The amazing part was where, again, I'm driving like 45 mph down the road and the lights in the businesses and the street lights start going out in progression as we are driving. NOT MAKING THIS UP!! It was bizarre. I would have pulled over but frankly there wasn't anywhere that seemed safe and I was almost home.

Today I found out that we passed a substation that had a fire. But stranger, my husband works for an electric utility, people that were in for a meeting were staying at a hotel close and saw lightening hit a pole in a fireball, travel down the line to a gas station, come back towards them and headed in the direction of the substation. Even talking about it now brings back the stark raving fear I felt.

Today, in remembering all this, I also thought of the scripture where Elijah was in the cave and God passed by. Several things happened, but one was a storm. It was only in the quiet, still voice that Elijah heard God. My thought was even if God was talking if it was a storm like that I don't think Elijah could have heard him over the hail. Now now, God doesn't mind if we project our little thoughts like this. With it all over I can say, I was impressed. Think of all we do to make electric light shows and fireworks, what God does with a little warm / cold front is really impressive.

I teased the boys that stayed here this weekend that they would have to sleep with the dogs, we did last night, they were as scared as I was. The smaller border collie slept between us and didn't move all night except to cuddle closer. Very similar to when the kids used to crawl in bed with us.......

The Wedding

It was a small wedding, not fancy, but very sweet. One of my co-workers that I have been blessed to have as a friend, her daughter was getting married. Now, I must confess I look at most situations I find myself in for the humour that I might pull out. So I was seeking a good time.

My role was to be the person that did "whatever needs to be done" or otherwise unassigned tasks. It was a good fit for me. I made myself available for the day prior to the wedding, and of course the big day.

I've had this running joke with this girl over the church she attends, so I had the priviledge of actually stepping foot inside it. (she does the same with me, don't feel sorry for her). I looked around, and said, "so this is what a **name of the denomination**** church looks like." Then called another friend that attends a similar church and announced to her, "guess where I'm at???"

Silly folks, they let me help decorate and then do errands with her. It went well. I was beginning to feel like the next day was doable.....

Day of wedding.... we pick up the cake. I was not expecting sooooo many boxes, then the terror of the car ride out to the curch. What if I dropped the CAKE!!! The PRESSURE!!! Spouse and #1 son were doing the video and the pictures so they had lots on their plates as well.

Next point of interest. Did you know that you are supposed to make the sherbert punch early? I didn't. I was told to not make it until after the wedding but I got adventurous and started right before the ceremony. Thank goodness I did!!! The stuff is supposed to melt and blend. I didn't know that. I can save your life but I know nothing about punch. Needless to say, the start of the reception was rough. However, some very kind folks stepped up to the plate and helped me.

I also enjoy watching people. Like the ones that came in and looked at the snacks we set out (no real meal was announced - it was just snacks, cake and punch) and started asking, "wheres the real food?" I felt like praying and asking Jesus to do another wedding thing. I mean come on, this is a simple wedding, no one has tons of money here, you weren't promised a meal. Also noticing the people that enjoy helping verses the people that are helpless.

All in all, a good time was had by those that wanted it. I learned a few things, her next wedding (she has 3 daughters) I will be happy to help again. Because when all is said and done, you help your friends. And I have 3 sons and will need help when it's my turn........

Internet gods

We are currently trying to be kind and gentle to the internet gods that have decided to play with our heads. One of us is in a foul temper about it, actually several of us since the boys are having to leave the nest at home to do homework at a local business. We are offering refuge to a repairman from the cable company tomorrow between the hours of 2p -5p for him to come appease the beast. We hope this one is wise and compassionate. :) We do not like to not have our internet. Any known appropriate sacrifices (please note - the children have willingly offered the kats.... but I can't see the internet gods liking kats either).

Dust Bowl

This is Lake Overholser in 1935 or my living room. Take your pick. I don't know what my mom did that angered God but she certainly didn't get the daughter she asked for. I believe she wanted one that would clean the house, bake, raise flowers, did I mention clean the house???? *also please note I inherited her house*

Dust is one of those things that overall just doesn't bother me. I figure, I don't bother it, it won't bother me. Then again, if I go and dust it, more just like it appears. Best I can tell there is a never ending supply of dust, but only a limited supply of me (now that's another topic).

But alas, sometimes the dust must be rearranged, today was one of those days. A couple of BOYS my sons age will be here Thursday - Saturday. Note, I said boys, they will not notice (at least none of the ones I've met) however on the off chance their parents enter my home, I have stirred the dust so new dust can appear.

We shall see. I really thought by the time I made the salary I make I could afford to hire someone to come do these tasks for me. Fair trade, I nurse people back to health (or something along that line) and I encourage the economy by getting my house clean. Alas, those people that live in my house demand to be fed, clothed, and have the lifestyle they are accustomed to.

Just another day

Not a bad day, for me that is. Funny thing though, I had to call a family member of my patient that is also an ICU nurse. I guess, maybe, I probably shouldn't have implied that his relative was an "interesting" case. Never a good sign to be told that your loved one is interesting to the nurses.

Cardiogenic shock, temporary pacer, balloon pump, ventalator, and the assorted medications that go along with that. Me, the one with the attention span of a gnat, was interested all day. Intriqued even. Again, not a good sign.

So far, so good. We will watch this one closely. They are very sick, but they have very good doctors. Now all he needs is a good heart.

The Order

You must understand, I rarely defy authority. I understand it's place and my place in the universe. I also understand the delicate role I as a nurse play in the unit compared to the physicians I work with. There are always those that we would not use ourselves and might I add are on the list of those that shan't touch me, but I still respect what they order for their patients. Until......

He's been in the unit for some time, I have never taken care of him but as charge I have kept up with his progress, actually, the lack of progress. We knew in our guts this man would not make it out of the unit, but we still tried to make it so. A week or so ago I began talking to the wife, I saw her daily in there and at some point either as a human or worse as a corporate slave I began to check on her each time I was there. Yet I knew where this was going and I'm not sure she did.

So the man is dying, all systems are shutting down, his body is visibly showing signs of breakdown. The sons had come in the day before at our request because we thought he would die that day. I had been shocked to find him still with us on my return. A doc that is covering for another decides we should get a test that will require us to leave the unit, be off the vent and bag, and jostle him around. When the nurse caring for him tells me about this order I was dumbfounded. I had looked at his labs earlier in the day, and this would blow his kidney function. He had been too unstable for dialysis for days and we were eeking by as it was. I can't defy the order, but in good conscious I couldn't do the order.

I quickly asked God for wisdom, as I didn't know what else to do. We decided to call the kidney doctor to "inform" him of this order. He called the "offending
doc then called us and said it was fine with him for the pt to go for the test as long as the family understood this would knock out the kidneys and he would have to have dialysis at this point. I talked to the family twice, explaining that while I would never defy an order, my concern was that their dad would die in process and I had to live with myself over the benefit of the test verses the consequenses. We were questioning whether or not we could do this but I needed direction from them. In answering questions they came to understand there would be little benefit from the test: we might find out why he was suddenly worse but we couldn't treat him and he would lose the kidney function he had. In the end, they decided not to do the test. The man died during the night.

In explaining to the family why this order was written I tried to protect the physician. They couldn't understand why he would order a test that might kill their father in process and for sure wipe out the kidneys with no real benefit. I explained that for many people they had to understand why. I never made this doctor look bad in my effort (I think) but tried to explain what I really couldn't.

But I was left with the feeling of here's the doctor coming in for 5 minutes ordering something that I will have to do and then I'm left with a grieving family when he dies during the test. I was angry! I support you and at the same time I have to wiggle around to try to be a patient advocate. It is about the patient, not why? Then I have to remember, I can't show the anger, I must comfort the family even when I have little to offer them.

As I left that night, they were each saying goodbye to the husband of 50+ years, the father that was special (they told me this, but I knew from meeting the family the kind of man he was), the grandfather that taught him how to be a man, and a man who endured much from my staff.

I stood up for my patient, I have nothing to hang my head about. I did more than my job, I helped my nurse through this situation, and God gave me wisdom to do all without compromising my self.